The Beginning of the End

Danny sat on the bed and cried for about a half hour. That was the longest he hard cried in a long time. But it felt good in a weird way. It felt good to allow himself to let go of the grief and pain that he was feeling inside. Danny got up and washed his face and changed into more comfortable clothes; jeans and an olive green T-shirt. He brushed his brown hair and sat down in his living room with a beer in hand. He just sat down and thought about his dad. Larry was a great guy. He was a hard worker, owning a landscaping business, overseeing work sites and many employees. All the employees and costumers said that Larry always took the time to work out whatever problems they had and always did it with a smile. He was extremely patient whenever situations rose up and rarely raised his voice. Aside from being a great worker, he was a great father. Danny sat back in his large leather chair and though about how great of a dad Larry was despite the circumstances. After Leigh Anne's death, Larry was thrown in a difficult position. Larry was the breadwinner and Leigh Anne gave up her career as a music teacher and became a stay-at-home mother. Larry needed to work long hours in order to provide for his little family. Larry would already be at work by the time Danny went to preschool and come home late in the evening. Also, he did a lot of work on the weekends so Danny didn't see his dad a while lot. However, after Danny's fifth birthday, work took a back seat to other matters. Leigh Anne had been feeling more tired than usual so she went for what she thought was a routine checkup. However, the doctor gave her some grim news; she had been diagnosed with leukemia, cancer of the blood. Danny sat back and pulled his knees to his chest as he remembered the way his parents took the news. Danny was only five and dealing with starting kindergarten in a new school where he didn't know anybody, except Mary, his best friend and co-worker at the casino. Danny was playing soccer with her in the backyard and he walked in to go to the bathroom. As he finished doing his business and washing his hands, he heard his mom crying. He tiptoed as close to the kitchen as he could and saw his parents sitting at their wooden table, the same wooden table that his dad and grandfather had built just a few months before. Leigh Anne had her face in her hands, her long brown hair covering her face. Larry kneeled beside her and placed his hands on her and pleaded, "Leigh Anne, darling, it's going to be okay. We are going to fight this. You are going to beat this."

Leigh Anne looked up and Danny can see that her face was red and wet with tears. "No, Larry, you heard the doctor," she said, angrily. "It's too late. The cancer is already progressing. Anything else would make it worse."

Larry stood up and said, "You're right. It's too late. It's too late for you to try to beat this thing. Like it was too late for you to get pregnant. You remember what the doctor said, you will never get pregnant. You will never have children. You might as well give up on having a family."

Leigh Anne shot up and screamed, "That has nothing to do with this."

"Yes it does!" he yelled back, which shocked Leigh Anne. In nearly five years of marriage, Leigh Anne had never heard her husband raise his voice.

Larry stood back and said, "I'm sorry, sweetie. I didn't mean to yell at you. You were just given some terrible news, I shouldn't have yelled at you."

Leigh Anne gave a little smile, sat down on her chair, and said, "It's all right."

Larry sat down next to her and said, "Before we got married, the doctor told you that you had an infection that may make it harder to have children but you didn't listen to the doctor. We went to Mexico and we made love and that love made you pregnant. That love gave you a baby, our baby."

"Our miracle baby," Leigh Anne said, smiling. Suddenly, she turned to her husband am said, "Maybe I can try some treatments. I can't promise anything. But I'll try."

Larry smiled, grateful for what was said, grateful that his wife was trying to beat cancer. He embraced his wife, holding her tenderly. He looked up and saw Danny standing there. He had heard everything and was near tears. Larry nudged Leigh Anne and she looked up through her tears and saw her little boy, who looked like he had aged.

"Hey, Danny-boy," she said, using her nickname for him, reflecting on his Irish heritage. She smiled and said, "What's wrong?"

Danny felt sad and afraid to tell his mommy what was wrong. He didn't want to get yelled at because he overheard his parents' conversation.

Leigh Anne looked over and offered her hand to her son. "Sweetie, please tell me what's the matter," she said. Danny still wouldn't talk to her. Leigh Anne released herself from Larry's embrace and kneeled in front of Danny and cupped his chin in her hands. "Sweetie, please tell your mommy what's wrong."

Danny looked up and Leigh Anne saw a tear come down her son's face. "Mommy, are you going to die?" he asked, quietly.

Leigh Anne felt tears spring to her eyes and she grabbed Danny and hugged him tight. Tighter than she had ever hugged anyone. She felt tears pour from her eyes as she hugged her son. She felt such pain seeing her son, worried and terrified that he was going to lose his mommy.

After a few minutes, Leigh Anne pulled him into her lap and ruffled his hair. "Sweetie, I'm going to tell you the truth. Mommy's sick."

"DO you have chicken pox?" Danny asked, thinking about the time he had them.

Leigh Anne smiled a bit and said, "No Danny-boy. I wish I did. I have cancer."

"What's cancer?" he asked.

"Well, cancer is a disease that makes me sick. Mommy's body can't work the way it should," she said.

Danny asked, "Can you take medicine? Can you get better?"

Leigh Anne looked at Larry, who gave her the "Look", the "look" said, "Yes, you could take medicine."

Leigh Anne looked back at her son and said, "Yes, there's medicine and I'm going to take that medicine."

Danny asked, "Will you get better?"

Leigh Anne gave him a squeeze and said, "I'll try, darling. I'll try to get better for you."

Danny smiled and wrapped his arms around her neck. "I love you, Mommy."

Leigh Anne felt her heart melt and she hugged him back. With her son's love, Leigh Anne had a new sense of determination. There was no question, she was going to fight and beat this cancer. She had to. She had to fight for her son.

Leigh Anne started treatment for her cancer the following week. Larry cut down on his work to care for his wife and be there for Danny. It wasn't easy, sometimes the family had to cut down on expenses, like trips to the movie theater or the new bike. However, Larry made things work even if that required moving his parents, Mabel and Thomas, in to help out but he made it work. He also made time for Danny. More than anything, Larry wanted to make sure Danny didn't feel alone or unloved. It was very difficult for Danny to deal with his mother suffering through a terrible disease. Nonetheless, Larry made extra sure that Danny felt loved and cared for. Danny sat back in his chair and smiled as he thought about how his dad took the time to play with him. Larry would push Danny on the swings and throw the football around. Danny laughed as he thought about the time when he and his dad tried to roller-skate. Apparently, Larry wasn't the most coordinated and he fell down more times than he actually skated! Above all, Larry made sure Danny wasn't sad and scared for his mommy. Despite the chemotherapy and radiation she was undergoing, Leigh Anne's health was slowly down. Danny was about to form a memory of his mother's physical appearance. He decided he wanted to see a real picture of his mom so he went to his bedroom and retrieve an old photo album from underneath his bed. Danny opened it up and smiled. Leigh Anne was everything Danny remembered; young, beautiful, full of energy. She had big brown eyes and the longest, most beautiful brown hair Danny had ever seen. Danny smiled as remembered the times he would sit in his mom's lap and play with her hair. Danny smiled as he flipped through the pages, seeing his mom in so many different situations; covered in a apron and flour as she made Christmas cookies, egg on her apple checks, laughing and jumping on a trampoline with her friends at a Fourth of July party, smiling with teary eyes as she held baby Danny. But soon, the smiled changed to something else…something sadder. Danny felt a lump grow in his throat as she saw the pictures taken of his mother…after she began chemotherapy. Danny ran his fingers over her face. Her stunning brown hair had fallen out and her face, once full and olive-skinned, was now gaunt and pale. Her athletic built had dissolved into a small, bony frame. Danny remembered hugging her one time and her crying out in pain as a result, for her bones were so frail. Danny felt miserable and ran to his room and hid underneath the covers.

Larry had settled Leigh Anne in her bed and ran to check on Danny. Larry knew that Danny was hiding under his bed; he always did that when he did something wrong or when he was afraid. Larry saw Danny's feet peeking under the bed so he decided to have a little fun.

"Gee, am I stuffed from dinner," he kidded. "I guess I'm too full to have this yummy, delicious cup of Jell-O. I think I will leave it here on the nightstand until later."

Larry placed it on the nightstand table and walked out of room. Then, he closed the door but kept it open a crack, so he could see Danny. Sure enough, Danny got up from under the bed and took the Jell-O. Larry opened the door and yelled, "Ah-ha! Gotcha, Danny boy!"

Danny looked up and held his Jell-O and figured it out. "Hey! You tricked me!"

Larry smiled, sat down on the bed, and pulled his son to his lap. "Yes, I did. What's wrong, pal?"

Danny looked down and said, "I hurt Mommy."

"Aww, Danny boy," he said, as he gave him a warm hug. "You didn't hurt Mommy."

"But she cried when I tried to hug her," he whined, feeling tears come down.

"I know, but the reason why she cried is because her bones are very delicate," he explained. "And they aren't as strong as she wants them to be and when you hugged her,.."

"I hurt her," Danny whispered.

"No!" he insisted. "You did not hurt Mommy. When you hugged her, her bones weren't strong to hug her back. But you did not hurt her. You have made her so happy."

"I have?" he asked, a bit happy.

Larry smiled and nodded. "Yes, you have. She has been crying a lot lately, she's scared. But when your name is spoken or when you come to see her, she stops crying and smiles. She's happy because you give her something to look forward to. You give her hope and love."

"So I didn't hurt her? I made her happy?" he asked.

Larry nodded and hugged him. "And you make me happy," he said.

"I do?" he asked.

Larry smiled and nodded. "You have made your mother and me very happy since the day you were born."

Danny felt his dad's love from that hug. Even at that young age, he knew that he was helping to ease his family's pain. And his dad, in turned, helped ease Danny's pain. However, as he got older, Danny found that he was adding little by little to his dad's pain by doing stupid, childish things. Nonetheless, Danny felt deep down in his heart that somehow, he was giving his dad some joy. He knew that, he felt that in his soul…because his dad had given him joy. Yet, Danny had a regret…that he didn't give him enough joy. Danny closed his eyes and let a tear fall down his cheeks, the same cheeks as his mother's, and let it fall onto his mom's picture. That one tear wasn't just for the regret and his mom's death, it was for all those years after his mom's death…..when he wasn't the son his dad deserved and needed.