A Mother's Letter of Love

Danny opened the envelope and pulled out the letter and unfolded it. It was four pages long and written in blue ink. Danny took a deep breath and began to read the letter.

My dearest Daniel:

Hello, my love. As I write this letter, I'm filled with apprehension. I have so many things to tell you, so much I want to teach you, so much I want you to carry with you for the rest of your life. But I don't know were to start. I don't know how to word everything that I'm feeling and thinking. But I'm going to stop worrying and write my heart. That's all I have been using since I can remember and the first thing I want to tell you….listen to your heart. Do it because it will never let you down. Listening to my heart has always helped me.

I'm trying so hard to picture the young man reading this letter. I know that the young man reading this letter isn't my little Danny-boy anymore. I wonder how old you are, 17, 21, 40? Well, whatever age you are, I know you are ready because I told your father to give you this letter when you were ready, when you are strong enough.

Danny cringed. His dad had never told him about the letter. Danny squeezed his eyes tight, holding back the tears he had inside, the tears of regret and remorse. After a few minutes, he opened his eyes again and proceeded to read.

Danny, I can't explain why this is happening to me, why I am suffering with this disease, why I am losing my hair or why I feel my physical strength slowly sliding away. Danny, things in life happen and we don't know why they do. No matter how hard we try, we can't find a reasonable answer. As hard as it seems, we must continue to press on and fight with everything we have inside of us; we must fight with all our minds, with all our hearts, and with all our souls. This is something that I have lived my life with. This is something that I want you, my son, to live your life with.

Fighting with all my mind, heart, and soul lead me to the sweetest gift I could be given…. you. Before I married your father, I had a bad infection that almost took away my ability to have children. In fact, the doctor said that I had a whopping 25 chance of carrying and delivering a baby healthy. However, after days of feeling sorry for myself, I decided to persevere and my efforts paid off. You were conceived on our honeymoon. I had a difficult pregnancy, which required me to full bed rest for three months. The labor was difficult and long. In fact, I thought I would die because of the intense pain. However, you came out, crying, and I feel instantly in love with you. When the doctor placed you in my arms, I felt a river of love enter my very soul. You were simply the most beautiful baby ever. You were an angel and a constant source of joy, love, and inspiration to your father and me. Not a day went by when we didn't thank God for our little boy.

Danny felt his heart melt when he read those beautiful words, touched by love from his mother.

As I look to into the eyes of the little boy that plays on the swings, I can only hope and pray for your future. There is so much I want you to do and learn and accomplish. I know that every mother wants their child to be a scientist or president but my goals for you are simple: I want you to be happy. I want you to do something good with your life; I want you to be an important person and a good person. Las Vegas is a tough town with many people who have thrown away their gifts and talents on vulgar things. I don't want that to happen to you. I know that you will have the courage to make the right decisions and live your life the right way.

Don't ever be afraid. Fear doesn't make things happen, you make things happen. Don't be afraid to take a chance and try new things. Don't live your life wondering 'what if'. I took a chance on something big, your father. I was scared to fall in love and have my heart broken but I took a chance and I found your father to be the best man I could ever ask for. Danny, I wish that someday, you have a marriage like your father's and mine. We were in love from the moment our eyes met; at a friend's wedding. We had our first date at "Lucky 7" and fell in love quickly. In fact, he proposed to me after only a month and we married six months after. Everyone thought we were rushing into things but we didn't care. "When you know, you know," we told everyone. We had the most beautiful wedding, held in the church that I was raised in. When your father and I said our wedding vows, we looked into each other's eyes and felt like we were the only ones in the church. At our reception our first dance was to a beautiful song by my favorite singer, Gladys Knight.

Danny felt his heart nearly stop. It was at the Gladys Knight concert that Danny found out about his dad's death. A tear went down his face and almost fell onto the paper but Danny pushed it out of the way. Danny wiped his eyes, took a deep breath, and bravely continued to read.

We went to Mexico for our honeymoon and when we come back, we got a surprise package, you. You dad fell in love with you instantly and was the constant doting father. He was such a good man. He was the best husband, father, and friend I could ever ask for. And that is why he will be a good father to you. He has doubts that he will be able to handle things but I know in my heart he will succeed. I know him to be a good loving man who will give you all the help and love and support you need. I realize also that you two may not always get along. You may argue and fight a lot. You may even say you hate each other. But I want you to remember if you two stick together and be a team, listen to each other and talk to each other, you two will be all right

Danny felt a lump grow in his throat. He stopped and pondered that statement. "Stick together and be a team." "Learn and listen to each other". That was so tough for them to do a lot of the time.

Danny once again forced back tears and bravely, continued to read the letter.

Danny, I love you so much. Throughout everything I have been though with my cancer, you have been the one who has kept me going. Your smile had warmed the coldness that I have experience and your hugs have been the light in my darkness. You gave me a reason to live and keep living. I wouldn't have even tried to beat my cancer if you didn't crawl in my lap the day I found out I was sick…And that is why it hurts me so much to know that I will have to leave you.

And that's when Danny felt a jolt of pain hit his heart. In fact, the jolt was so strong that it morphed into a physical pain causing Danny to clutch his chest. After a few minutes, Danny felt stronger enough to read his letter.

But I don't want you to grieve over me. I don't want you to feel sad. The reason is that I feel sad and I am grieving. In fact, as I write this letter, I'm crying. I'm crying over the fact that I will have to leave the two most important men in my life, your dad and you. I'm grieving the fact that I will not be able to grow old with your father, a man that I love with all my heart and soul. A man that has been my strength, my hope, and my love. A man that has held me in his arms and dried my tears when I cried because I was in such pain. I'm grieving the fact that I wouldn't be able to see you grow up; help you with your homework, argue with you when you're going through your teenage years, see you graduate from high school, see you get married or have children of your own. That's what hurts the most.

And that's what hurt Danny too. Danny experienced a lot in his life and his mom wasn't there to see it. It would have been wonderful for Leigh Anne to be alive and take pictures of him at his graduation or given him a reassured hug when he went into the Marines. Or been able to see his parents dance at the Montecito when Gladys Knight performed there. Maybe his dad wouldn't have died cause he would be at the concert with his mom. They did everything together.

But Danny, I'm not sad anymore. A wonderful thought has just entered my head. I have always believed in angels. I believe that guardian angels are all around us, watching us, guiding us, and protecting us. And I believe that the people that we love that have died become our angels. So that's what I will be, your guardian angel. I will be watching you, guiding you, and protecting you. Danny, whenever you feel afraid or lonely, I will be right there. Remember when you had a bad dream and you cried for me and I came right into your room and I calmed you down? Well, that's what angels do. Whenever the angel's loved one is in trouble, she flies down with her wings and comfort the loved one. That's what I will be doing. Whenever you're scared or lonely, just call for me and I will be there. And even if you don't call me, I will be there. I always will be there, watching you and your father. No matter how old you get, I will always be watching you because I love you very much. And I always will. Never forget that. You are my precious child and more special to me than words can say.

I love you again, Mommy.

Danny closed the letter and placed in the envelope. He sat it down and looked at it. He reflected on his mother's words. He reflected on what was inside in the letter. He looked at the papers. He felt that he had just read his mother's heart and soul; he felt all her love, all her fears, all her hopes and all her dreams. He felt like he was being introduced to his mother all over again, to the woman she was, the woman that his father had loved. Now, Danny realized why his dad never got over losing her and why Danny didn't have any other strong female presences (except for Mary) in his life. There was no other woman who had that boldness to speak her heart, not holding anything back. There was no other woman who had given so much and showed two men that they don't have to live like macho men; that they can lead with their hearts and not be afraid to show love and comfort. There was only woman that proved to Danny and Larry and showed them that in the face of pain and suffering and death and grief, family can survive and love can grow and flourish and preserve. That's what had happened to Larry and Danny, Danny realized, that throughout everything, Larry's love for him and Leigh Anne had flourished. That's why Danny was the man he was…. because of his mother and father. Danny realized that all the words that were written in his mother's letter were all the things that his dad had taught him; Leigh Anne had, in an unusual yet wonderful way had helped parent Danny. Danny smiled as he thought about those worlds that he mother wrote him, "Whenever the angel's loved one is in trouble, she flies down with her wings and comfort the loved one." Danny never really thought about angels. He wasn't one to get spiritual but he thought about all the close calls he had in his life; when he fought in war as a Marine or when he got his foot shot on the Montecito's loading docks. He should have gotten killed…but he didn't. And he wasn't sure why. But looking back, he realized that there was someone watching him, someone guiding him, and someone protecting him, his mother.

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Danny realized that his mother had truly never left him; her spirit was all around him and likewise, his dad's spirit would be all around him. That gave Danny a small measure of peace, peace that he could finally tell his dad, "I'm sorry."