Tonight I Wanna Cry
Disclaimer: I don't own Lost or any of the characters. I, like everyone else, have just borrowed them for a short time.
Lyrics are from the song "Tonight I Wanna Cry" by Keith Urban. I don't own either one of those entities either.
Sawyer let himself into the small dark house and flicked on the lights. Throwing the keys and his mail on the table near the door he may his way to the kitchen throwing his jacket on the chair and his tie on the small cluttered dining table that he never used anymore. What's the point, he thought to himself, sitting a table by yourself, anyway? Pulling a deli sandwich and bag of chips from the bag he had set on the counter he pulled the single plate from the drying rack next to the sink and unwrapped his food noticing how the tearing of the cellophane wrapping echoed in the quiet room.
Grabbing a beer from the refrigerator he picked up his plate and walked back into the living room kicking off his shoes on the way. Sitting down on the worn out couch he reached for the remote and clicked on the television. Leaning back on the couch he noticed how lumpy it had gotten. She had mentioned some time back they should get a new couch but he just laughed and said he liked this one – it had character. Now sitting there he realized how uncomfortable it really was.
Flipping through the channels he found nothing interesting to watch as usual. He flashed to how she use to laugh when he complained nothing good was on and grab the remote from him to find something they both could watch. Now he left it on the sports channel turning down the volume and placing the remote back on the table next to his sandwich. Reaching over he flipped on the radio to his favorite county station.
Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
Biting into his sandwich he took a swig of beer and let it wash down his throat. For some reason it didn't taste as good as it usually did. He needed something stronger – something to help him fight his memories.
Getting up he pulled out a bottle of whiskey from a cabinet and a glass. Sitting back down he pushed aside his food and poured himself a shot. Letting it burn he closed his eyes and thought about the day he and Kate moved into the house. She was so excited to be starting a new life a not guilty verdict behind her and plans for the future in front of her.
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
They painted and cleaned for two days and he remembered holding her by the waist on the ladder as she hung the curtains in the kitchen and then in the bedroom giggling as Sawyer planted a kiss on her lower back where her t-shirt and jeans gapped.
He poured himself another shot and swallowed half of it this time savoring the burn again. Something that reminded him he was still alive and could feel. He flashes to their celebrating his new sales job and how excited Kate was to put down roots. She had cooked him a meatloaf dinner and was so anxious for him to enjoy it that he didn't have the heart to tell her he hated meatloaf – he ate a couple of bites and then told her they were going out dancing. She never noticed he threw out the rest when she was getting changed.
I'll never get over you walkin' away
Brushing back a tear he took another shot and felt his pain start to dull as the memories continued.
His job took him out of town a lot and he knew that was hard on her but he pushed off her moodiness on missing him. He was doing well in his job.
Pouring another shot he noticed that he was half way through the bottle but the memories wouldn't go away. Not tonight, not like they had on other nights. He swallowed the hot liquid and thought about the day she told him
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self control
He had finally gotten the money together and purchased the ring. He had landed a big contract that would probably get him noticed at the corporate level and he was feeling good as he walked in the door. The small black box tucked safely in his jacket pocket. He found her sitting on that lumpy couch a sad look on her face and two suitcases near the door. He remembers asking her where she was going as he took another drink. 'I'm sorry' she said softly. 'What's going on?' he demanded and that's when she told him. She was leaving him. She spoke nervously clasping her hands.
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry
He remembers her trying to explain she hadn't meant to hurt him. She was lonely and she called him on the phone reaching out for a friend. They had met for coffee and when she walked away she knew that it wouldn't be their last meeting. She knew the feelings she had thought were tucked away and long forgotten were in fact still there. She wanted more.
Would it help if I turned a sad song on
"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone
He takes another swig of alcohol as he remembers her face, the way she bit her bottom lip and she continued her story. She hadn't meant for anything to happen but it did. They had dinner one night when Sawyer was out of town and after a bottle of wine and some dancing she found herself in his arms in his house kissing him and pulling off his shirt. She hadn't spent the night instead leaving a couple of hours after their lovemaking trying to make this just a one night stand. But Kate didn't do one night stands and she found herself in his arms again soon after, wrapped up in him as his lips traveled up her neck until he kissed her in that spot below her ear she loved to be kissed in. She stayed until the morning that time knowing that this was not a one night stand or even a lonely woman looking for comfort.
She told him with tears brimming her eyes that she didn't know when she had fallen in love, but she had. He thought maybe she had always been and had just been denying it. She told him she couldn't do this anymore. She had to leave.
He remembers her picking up the suitcases and with a tear rolling down her cheek she whispered 'I'm sorry I hurt you' and walked out the door and out of his life.
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
Looking down at the bottle again he realized there was only a small amount left. He picked up the phone and dialed her number….their number. On the third ring Jack answered. Trying his best not to slur his words he asked to speak to her as he always did when he reached this point on other nights and as always Jack told him Kate wasn't home. He knew the doctor was lying and so he pressed on an almost desperate plea in his voice this time. One Jack hadn't heard before. Then Sawyer heard her voice in the background asking Jack who it was. He heard a muffle as Jack told her it was Sawyer calling again. Speaking into the receiver Sawyer demanded Jack put her on. He knew what would come next Jack would tell him to stop calling and hang up.
But this time he heard a rustling noise and suddenly her voice was on the line.
"Sawyer?" she greeted.
"Freckles." He said the taste of the whiskey making his tongue a little slower then he would like. "Is that really you?"
"What do you want?" She sounded tired.
"I miss you." He said before he could stop himself. That wasn't what he had planned on saying. Hell, he didn't know what he had planned on saying to her.
"Please don't do this. You need to get on with your life, Sawyer." She told him. "And leave us alone."
"Freckles, I have a question." He said suddenly realizing what he wanted to say.
"No, I have to go." She said.
"Wait!" he cried out. "Just answer this question and I promise to never call again." He pleaded.
She hesitated for a moment before she finally answered, knowing that he probably had no intention of stopping this drunk calling episodes. "Fine. What do you want to know?"
"Why him?" he said his voice almost breaking with the emotion he had been fighting all night. "What did you leave me for Jack?"
"Sawyer…"
"Please…tell me."
"I'm in love with him." She finally said quietly and softly. When he didn't answer she continued. "Please, let me go and get on with your life. You need to move on."
A thousand different drunken arguments popped into his head, but he just silently nodded his head. "Goodbye…Kate." He said simply then hung up. Getting up he made a mental note to buy himself a new couch tomorrow and slowly made his way to his bedroom. He had made it through another night.
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of the pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry