A Single Man of Courage – part seventeen
Janet returned to Jack's room to find her patient drenched in sweat, tossing and turning. Guessing he was in the throes of a nightmare she sat quietly, grasping his hand and talking gently to him to try and calm him.
She really didn't want to sedate him again. Eventually he began to still and Janet wet a cloth, pressing it to his head. He turned unconsciously into the comfort of the coolness and slowly his eyes began to open. Glazed and unfocussed, his forehead was frowning mightily as he looked at her. Recognition came slowly and the frown deepened.
"Janet," he murmured.
"In the flesh," she smiled at him.
He regarded her steadily. "I'm sorry," he said suddenly.
She frowned in puzzlement. "Sorry? For what?" she asked.
"I did that." He pointed towards her face.
"Oh," Janet was taken aback a bit. "Who told you?"
"Doesn't matter. Are you okay?"
"I'm fine, honestly, it could have been much worse." She could have bitten her tongue at her last words as she saw the anguish flood over his face for a split second before the 'Colonel' was back in control.
"Jesus Janet, I could have killed you."
Janet reached out with the cloth once more, but he moved his head away.
"Sir, it was an accident. You're not to blame. I should know better than to grab at you if you're not coherent."
"Grab at me?"
"I took hold of you like this to wake you." She demonstrated the touch, leaning over him.
Jack flinched, his mind flashed back. He remembered the nightmare. He saw Samels face, felt the burning.
Janet swallowed hard as she saw the fear and pain etched in Jack's face.
"Jack!" she called sharply.
Taking as deep a breath as he was able, given the injuries, he pulled back to the present.
"Sorry. I thought … I thought you were Samels," he whispered.
Janet searched her memory from the briefing. "He was the aide to Kissain?"
Jack nodded. "He held me down like that while they …."
"While they burned you," finished Janet.
Jack nodded slightly. "Yeah, sadistic son of a bitch. Hurt like crazy."
"I bet it did," whispered Janet, feeling angry. She hated abuse of any kind and torture sickened her. She was opposed to killing. At heart she was a Doctor, not a soldier, but she was still glad that Samels got what he deserved.
"He's dead Jack, him and Kissain, both dead."
"Good!" he closed his eyes for a moment.
Janet could see him fighting some inner turmoil, some devil lurking.
"Anyway," she spoke brightly, "I don't want you churning this around. It was an accident, you weren't in control."
"That's what bothers me," he admitted.
Janet suddenly realized just how much it did bother him - how he hated drugs and the infirmary, how he hated not to be in control, especially of his own feelings and his own body. Jack O'Neill rarely admitted to anyone his feelings or anything remotely personal.
"Jack, look at me." Janet spoke softly, but his eyes remained closed.
She took a breath and continued, her voice becoming fierce as she spoke. "You are not to blame. You were beaten and tortured, you were half dead when we got to you, you've had surgery, running a fever and have a lot of drugs in your system. Please tell me how in hell were you expected to be in control of your subconscious?"
Jack opened his eyes at the forcefulness in Janet's voice.
She leaned in closer still and purposely gripped his face in the same manner as before.
Jack regarded her with a peculiar expression on his face.
"Do you want to hit me now?" she asked.
"No of course I don't!"
"Glad to hear it." Janet let go of his face. "I've stuck enough things in you over the years Jack, done things that hurt, but you've never consciously lashed out and some people do." Jack seemed to be digesting her words. "But if you still feel guilty when you get out of here, I'm sure you could run to some perfume for me and a steak dinner for us all." She gave him a huge smile and a wink.
Jack gave her a genuine smile. It lit his whole face and took years away from him, despite the cuts and bruises.
Janet's heart did a little flip. 'God. no wonder Sam loves him. He should smile more often' she thought giddily.
"So," said Jack with a grin, "you gonna let me out soon then?"
"Nice try, Colonel." She laughed, straightening up. "Now get some rest."
xoxoxoxoxo
Jack drifted in and out of sleep over the next couple of days. Janet maintained a close watch on him and reduced some of the medication. She was pleased the infection was losing ground at last and his temperature decreasing steadily.
By the third day he was sat up and wide awake most of the time and complaining. He'd seen Teal'c and Daniel frequently, but no Sam. He remembered her being there when he was drifting in and out, but hadn't seen her since. He was hoping she'd come this morning and his disposition wasn't improving as the morning disappeared into late afternoon.
Janet had checked Jack frequently through the day, the staff reporting he'd eaten nothing he was offered. She knew he was in pain, but he'd also refused the extra pain medication.
"Are you sure you don't want something for the pain?" she asked as she marked his chart.
"No thanks," he responded briefly.
She saw he was keeping an eye on the doorway. "Expecting someone or planning an escape?" she enquired, smiling.
He regarded her seriously for a moment. "Oh, definitely escape," he smiled back.
"You wouldn't make it to the door Colonel," she said with a smirk.
"Oh, I think I could." he said playfully, glad of the distraction.
"Mm, you probably would," said Janet, hurriedly revising her opinion, knowing how stubborn he was and how much endurance the man had. "But I'm not going to let you try, so don't even think it. One foot out of that bed before I say so and I'll put you in restraints."
"You wouldn't." he scowled at her and made a show of pushing a leg towards the edge of the bed.
"Have you seen my biggest needle, Colonel?"
Jack moved his leg back quickly. "Sadist," he muttered.
She laughed. "You betcha."
"And bondage too," he complained and suddenly he looked at her straight faced raising one eyebrow, "Does Daniel know?"
Janet blushed "Why would Daniel want to know that?" She tried to sound indignant. "He's a model patient, well most of the time," she hedged.
"If you promise to lay off the needles I could drop him hints," offered Jack, grinning wickedly.
"Colonel, you drop anything," she emphasised, "and I promise you the biggest needle I can find followed by an enema." Janet managed to get it out with a straight face and hurried to get out of the room before she 'lost it'.
Behind her Jack laughed out loud and yelled 'ouch' when the movement jarred his ribs.
She managed to get a little way down the corridor before almost collapsing with laughter.
Sam was on her way to see the Colonel when she came across the Doctor. She really thought Janet had lost the plot … "Janet?" she enquired.
Janet looked up at Sam and then burst into another fit of laughter.
Sam stood waiting patiently, smiling at the laughing woman, but the more Janet tried to stop, the more she laughed.
"What?" asked Sam, her patience starting to wear out.
Janet couldn't answer and gave Sam a shove towards the Colonel's room, giving her a wave before going to her office to calm down.
Sam was puzzled, but followed Janet's push and entered Jack's room. Jack was sitting up with a grin on his face while nursing an arm across his ribs. Sam's heart almost stopped as she drank in his smile. It was obvious that this was the source of Janet's amusement.
"Janet's laying eggs laughing. What on Earth's going on?" She came closer, smiling. She was so relieved to see him sitting up looking so much better.
Jack laughed. "Oww!" He clasped a hand to his chest. "Don't," he begged.
Sam giggled.
"No giggling Major, please." Jack tried to maintain a straight face. He gazed into Sam's eyes.
Sam caught his look and stared back into his. The fierce longing she saw in his dark eyes caught her by surprise and her giggling died, the breath catching in her throat.
Jack tried to swallow; his throat was dry all of a sudden. He wanted so much to take her into his arms, but he daren't. His own career didn't matter, but Sam's did. He tore his eyes away, pushing his feelings down, putting the lid on the box of his emotions like he'd been doing for years. He cleared his throat and reached for the glass of water as a distraction. Sam reached for it at the same time and their fingers touched briefly.
"Sorry." She withdrew her hand as though burnt.
Jack felt the effect of her touch, a warm tingle that traveled through him, making his blood sing. His hand was shaking slightly as he clasped the glass with both hands, while he tried to calm down enough to risk a few sips.
Sam watched as Jack withdrew from her, his face closing down, his emotions gone from her.
"Jack?" she asked tentatively.
The way she said his name tore through him. He saw the hurt in her eyes and he fumbled with the glass to sip from it, trying desperately to keep himself under control.
"Not here Carter, please," he whispered hoarsely, his head sinking back wearily against the pillows, his eyes clenching shut. God did he hurt! The pain was erupting from his heart and his body, both hammering at him.
He heard the scraping of the chair and Sam's light footsteps as she left.
'Way to go Jack.' He banged his head against the pillows cursing himself.
xoxoxoxoxo