Holds Me Together
Rating: T-M Just in case
Disclaimer: You know the drill.
A/N: Much love! Sorry for the proofreading as always. FYI: Responses at bottom of chapter. FYI2: This chapter is going to start at one time period, then jump a little bit (not too far, like through months and such…you'll see) For reasons you'll figure out later, this chapter is super-duper long! Enjoy.
Chapter16 – We Are Screaming Inside But We Can't Be Heard
After another long and anxious flight, and then a long and expensive cab ride, Joan and Adam wound up back in the front lobby of their dorm. Both stood with their luggage, looking at the steps for a prolonged moment. At the same moment, both started walking forward and up the steps.
"I'll call you in an hour," Adam said quietly as he reached his floor. Adam had spent the whole plane ride with headphones on, pretending to listen to music as he thought over everything that had happened over the break. He hadn't said much to Joan since the trip to New York. Joan nodded and they quickly kissed before she continued upward and Adam broke off to head up the hall to his and Tristan's room.
Joan felt overdressed since California's 59° temperature was a stark difference from Arcadia's 33°, which had warranted her heaviest sweater, and her winter coat and scarf. Now, as she lugged her things up the last flight of steps and turned down the familiar hallway that smelled of some fresh paint and carpet cleaner from the winter break cleanings, Joan regretted not taking at least her jacket off and stuffing it amongst her duffle bag and suitcase after getting off the plane. She heaved a sigh as she set the bag down and dug into her pocket for her key. She was in the process of turning the key when the door flew open.
"JOAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNN!" The loud shriek was the only thing Joan heard as a dark blur came barreling out as soon as the door burst open and the next thing she remembered, she was crumpled on the floor amongst her bags with someone on top of her.
"OhmygodImissedyousomuch! Howwasyourbreakyou'dbetterhavepicturesofCaleb!" The blur said in a quick jumble, excitedly still hugging Joan.
When she got her wits about her, she started laughing, hugging the person back. "Hey Jo!" She laughed again, "Get off me and I'll reply to whatever it was you just tried to say!"
Johana plastered a sheepish innocent expression on her face and climbed to her feet, holding her hand out and helping Joan up. Then she dragged Joan's suitcase in and Joan followed.
Joan looked around their room. "What, no Colby?" She asked Johana.
Johana shook her head. "Not yet," She shrugged as Joan took off both her heavy coat and her sweater, leaving her in a pair of well worn form fitting jeans and a tight white t-shirt. She let out a relieved breath and heaved her duffle bag onto her bunk before she unzipped it and started routing around for something. "So? How was your break?" Johana prodded.
Joan couldn't figure out how to answer this. The break had been so topsy-turvy that no one answer could ever fit for this question. "It was quite the roller coaster, actually," Joan commented as she walked over to the couch and flopped down next to Johana, who instantly turned to face Joan. Joan pulled a bag from amongst her arms. Johana saw that it contained an overstuffed picture envelope as well as some home movie DVDs, and a mini photo album.
"Oooh, gimmie, gimmie, gimmie!" Johana pleaded, holding her hands out. When Joan's mother had come, she'd brought pictures of Caleb and Johana, who had by then of course become close friends with both Joan and Adam, saw them she fell instantly in love and shared in the joy of Joan's nephew. Joan laughed and handed the bag over gladly.
Johana promptly dug into the bag, emitting 'awwww's' and phrases like 'Joan, he's so gorgeous!' Joan smiled and agreed readily.
"So, how was your break?" Joan asked once Johana had finished gushing over Caleb.
"Oh my God, I have so much to tell you, girlfriend," Jo stated, curling her legs under he Indian style. Joan sat up, facing Johana at full attention, leaning her back against the armrest. She knew Johana only sat Indian Style when telling a story if it was a good one.
Johana told Joan about how much her parents loved Tristan, who Jo had begged her parents to let spend the break at her house since his own home life was turbulent due to his parents impending divorce. She gushed about how great Tristan was with her two younger brothers and younger sister who were 12, 8 and 5 respectively.
Jo even divulged to Joan about their late evening drives from Johana's house in Winslow, Arizona out highway 40 and down route 209 to Mormon Lake two hours away, where they would skinny dip, spend intimate quality time together, and even a few times partied with fellow college students on vacation around bonfires with marshmallows and cheap disgusting beer and the occasional smuggled bottle of Strawberry wine, singing ridiculous songs and talking about stupid childhood memories. By the time the sky just started getting lighter they were race home to sneak back up the driveway along the hedges, and then up the side of the garage, across its roof and into Johana's bedroom window. Once safely inside undetected, Tristan would make one last attempt at a make out session before Johana would laugh at him and tell him to hurry before her parents, who were always up before 7, stumbled upon them and commenced in killing them both-one screaming at them in Spanish, the other in English.
Joan laughed along to all of Johana's stories. She and Tristan had had a wonderful break. Joan sighed after a few minutes and Johana's reminiscent laughter died out as well, leaving a lingering smile on her lips.
"Oh you sound like you had the best break," Joan said, leaning the left side of her head down against the couch wearily.
"Yours wasn't good?" Jo asked sadly.
"Oh, no, it was." Joan smiled and then frowned. "Well, not all of it was…but most of it was," Her eyes glazed over a bit.
"Oh, chickie, tell me what happened," Jo said sympathetically, placing a supportive hand on Joan's forearm.
It took Joan about a half an hour to explain the entire break to Johana, excluding some specifics in the God/Collier area, but including back story about Bonnie, and Friedman. Before this, Jo had only known bits and pieces of the Ryan story. She listened intently, wide eyed and astonished, nodding as Joan told the story. Joan ended the story with the New York trip for Adam's art, and a list of all the rich, famous and political people who had shown up and had a bidding war for Adam's art and how she and Adam had returned to the hotel room after the show. It had taken them nearly fifteen minutes to get the door open because they were making out while Adam tried to shove the key into the lock and open it. She polished off the ending with how she'd stopped Adam dead in his tracks when they were bare-assed naked, tangled in the sheets on the bed by blurting out 'Adam, wait, you need to know I thought I was pregnant…a week ago…'
By then, Johana had successfully let Joan turn and lounge against her as she circled her arms encouragingly around Joan and stroked her hair. Joan momentarily noted that she wasn't sure if she'd seen this maternal side of Johana before.
"Oh, Joan, I'm so sorry," She told Joan sincerely. "How did Adam react?"
Joan snorted and sighed. "Freaked, of course. What a way to ruin an intimate moment, huh?" She responded.
"Well, obviously he freaked," Jo shrugged, "But, I mean…how did he act once he got a grip on it?"
Joan shrugged. "We had this super long talk, and then we passed out for a few hours, packed up our stuff and checked out to head home. We haven't had many in depth conversations since. He stared out the window of the plane the entire flight back…" Joan covered her face with her hands. "I'm so stupid, I should have never told him," She threw her hands up for emphasis and then let them flop with a clapping sound back against her legs.
"That's not true," Johana protested. "Although I agree with your friend Grace, you should have told him sooner. That's something you both should've been dealing with, not just you, it takes two, you know," She said.
Joan sighed and nodded. "Argh, why do things always have to get complicated?" She asked.
"Probably because you're an imbecile,"
Johana and Joan turned their heads and looked up when Colby entered the room, kicked Joan's bag out of her way and began putting her stuff away. Johana snorted.
"Wow, looks like somebody spent the holiday studying her SAT words," she laughed. "Hey Colby, your results are in; you're officially below what they call the 'Forrest Gump Curve,' you'll have to turn in your pens and pencils before you accidentally injure yourself with him and here we've got this lovely soft helmet for you to wear so you don't hurt your precious little head," Johana said as she walked over and pet Colby's head, talking in a baby voice. Joan bit back her laughter as she gapped at the two.
Colby spun, angrily smacking Johana's hands away from her. "Don't touch me, half-breed," She scoffed, crossing her arms. Johana glared, stepping into Colby's face.
"I see the holiday season hasn't put a damper on your bigotry," It was Johana's turned to cross her arms.
"I wouldn't have to resort to using these terms if you'd keep your overloaded, bean eating, J-Lo ass out of my face!" Colby spat back.
"Whoa, hey, guys, come on, let's all just chill," Joan hopped up and stood adjacent to them, holding her hands up as if to signify innocence while anxiously turning her head back and forth between them.
"Listen you useless, pseudo-faultless little neo-nazi-," Johana continued without missing a beat.
"Why don't you go find your little slanty-eyed boyfriend and start making defective Chinxican babies to infiltrate the population?" Colby sneered, cutting her off.
Johana's eyes flared. She lunged forward with a cry of rage. The only thing stopping Johana from mauling Colby was Joan, who had thrown herself forward, pulling Johana back, away from Colby.
"Come on Jo; let's just get out of here for now." Joan was glad she'd put her keys back in her jeans pocket as she dragged Johana out the door. Colby glared after Johana who was yelling at Joan who struggled against Jo's advances back towards the room.
"I'm not even Mexican you stupid whore!" She called out.
"What's going on?" Adam asked as he answered the door and came face to face with Joan, who looked dumbstruck and Johana who was red-faced and huffing.
"Hey, look who's back!" Ella said excitedly as she appeared in front of Luke and Grace, who had just entered JB's and were heading for their booth. "We've missed you guys so much!" She gushed, hugging Luke quickly.
"I'm going to go talk to JB," Luke excused himself after a quick greeting. Ella and Grace watched him go and then Ella looked at Grace.
"Get over here and give me a hug, you!" Ella demanded. Grace surrendered herself to a bear hug from Ella, truly missing her. "How was your little vacation?" She asked, wiping their table off as Grace slid into the booth.
"It was…tumultuous…to say the least," Grace chuckled.
"Oh dear, well, did you at least have some good times?" Ella asked.
"Oh!" Grace excused herself, blushing, and nodding, "Yes. I didn't mean it like that. It was just…there were some great times, but, you know some intense ones too," She nodded.
"Hey! Hey, can I get some service around here sweet cheeks?" A gruff looking man called from the counter. Grace and Ella turned to glare at him.
"This guy…" Ella balled her fist.
Grace nodded and gave Ella a reassuring look. "I've got your back, sister," She said, hoping to at least give Ella a laugh before she had to deal with the truck driver with his long john shirt and sleeveless vest over it and his greasy brown hair covered by and even greasier camouflage hat. Ella chuckled as she plastered a fake smile on her face and approached the man.
The bell above the door jingled and Grace looked up just as a little blonde-haired girl spotted her. Danica's eyes widened and she bee-lined for Grace, diving into the booth and hugging her tightly.
"Whoa…hey kid, how are you?" Grace asked with an affectionate smile. Danica smiled.
"I lost two teeth while you were gone!" She offered a big gap filled grin to show Grace.
"Wow, hey, you did," Grace said. She was contemplating making a reference to the tooth fairy when Izzy appeared. Grace looked at the carrier in her hand and then at Danica. "Did you get a little brother or a little sister?" She asked.
"We got a little brother!" Rush said, seeming to magically appear at Izzy's side. Izzy just smiled and put the carrier down on the table.
"Welcome back Grace!" Izzy smiled. "Meet Parker,"
Much to Izzy's astonishment, Grace leaned over the carrier to Parker, who looked like he'd just woken up from a nice slumber in the car and started saying hello, speaking to him much in the same way she spoke to Caleb. She even reached a hand in and let her finger tickle his cheek, causing his head to wiggle slightly.
"Hey, I'm missing all the fun," Luke complained as he rejoined them.
"Hey you," Izzy smiled and offered Luke a hug. Rush cheered and high-fived Luke and Danica flushed with a nervous smile and then buried her face into Grace's arm when Luke tried to give her a hug, proving to Izzy, Grace and Ella, who had just rejoined them, that the little girl was harboring a crush on Luke.
After a few more minutes of talking and catching up, Luke and Grace sat down to have some dinner. The first thing they did after the long drive back was to drop Glynis and Sweet Lou off and then they came straight it JB's for some grub. By the time they got to dessert, Grace was growing uncomfortable under Luke's worry-filled gazes. They were splitting her favorite dessert, Triple Chocolate Strawberry Surprise, only Grace was mostly moving a forkful around the plate.
"What's up?" Luke asked her.
Grace shrugged, glancing around. Avery and JB Jr. were in work by then and were waiting and bussing tables with Ella. Izzy was behind the counter serving, and ringing up customers, with Danica and Rush sitting on stools coloring at the corner and the baby was on the counter in front of them.
"I feel like we're living a lie," Grace spoke up.
"How so?" Luke asked before licking some chocolate off of his fork.
"I don't know," Grace shrugged, looking around again before looking at Luke. She leaned forward across the table, lowering her voice just a little bit. "What if he comes back? What if he comes after other people we know? Not just our families," She suggested. "They have no idea that they could bite the big one just for knowing us."
"Grace, they know about Ryan Hunter," Luke assured her.
"What?" Grace asked, clearly shocked. Obviously she hadn't thought of this scenario.
Luke nodded. He pointed to one of the TV's hanging by the counter, which was showing a news channel. "It's been in the news since he attacked the Art Gallery in California," He continued as Grace turned to look at the screen. A mug shot taken from hospital security cameras of Ryan and his spiked, dyed yellow hair and his sunglasses was plastered on the screen. Closed captioning supplied the words that the anchorwoman was saying. "Remember the camera crews?" Luke asked. "They've known the whole back story for a couple weeks now at least, including that he's…" Luke trailed off, clearing his throat.
"That he's related to me," Grace shuddered. Luke nodded. Grace turned her head downward, acting as if she was going to go in for another piece of the dessert, until she felt Luke's hand on hers.
"Obviously, it doesn't matter to them, Grace," He suggested, shrugging, "Or they wouldn't have even greeted us when we came in and all."
"It's still not fair to them," Grace suggested back.
"It's up to them to decide though, isn't it?" Luke asked.
Grace sighed. She knew she was defeated. "I suppose so," She replied. This was why she cut everyone off in high school. The more people you let in, the more people you wound up letting down and hurting.
"Come on," Luke left money on the table for the check, "we should get going; it's been a long day with the traveling and all."
Grace stood and pulled her coat on, leading the way out the door as Luke waved goodbye to everyone.
"Who's dorm?" Grace asked as they headed for the parking lot.
"Yours is probably safer," Luke suggested, remembering that they'd dropped Glynis and Lou off at his dorm already. Grace nodded as they climbed into Squiggy.
"I don't like having them in two far away places where we can't protect them while that maniac is on the loose, God only knows where, just waiting and plotting how to hurt them," Helen said as she sat on the bed in her pajamas with her back against the headboard and a book resting in her lap. She watched Will walk back and forth preparing for bed tiredly. He'd missed dinner, and in an empty house it's very depressing to eat alone. Helen was still getting used to cooking for just two. Kevin had saved the day, however, and had shown up and demanded that since Will was still at work, she come with him to his and Lily's house for dinner. Helen was convinced he was psychic. Really, Kevin had picked up on the scanner at the newspaper that his father was out at a crime scene and knew his mom would be upset.
Will finished pulling on a t-shirt and then unhooked his watch and placed it on the bureau before he peeled back the covers and slid his aching bones into the bed. He curled himself over to Helen, where he wrapped his arms around her waist and rested his chin on her shoulder.
"I agree…" He said calmly, "but…they can't stop their lives and go into hiding, Helen. The police and the feds are working together to keep them safe. All we can do is hope they know enough to protect themselves," He sighed.
"What about a bomb shelter, or something like it?" Helen asked randomly.
"What?" Will sounded confused.
"We could just bring them down with us and lock them in it, and no one will be able to hurt them," She replied with a wry smile.
Will chuckled. "Oh, but they're feral animals, they've had a taste of the real world. You can't cage wild animals," He egged the joke on. Both of them looked at each other and laughed at the ridiculous turn their conversation had taken.
It didn't take long for Adam to recover from the shock of Joan's confession. In fact by the time night had rolled around on the day they returned to school, he had managed to get a long private conversation with her where they resolved the issue. Adam firmly stated that it was not the fact that Joan could have been pregnant that spooked him; it was the fact that it was possible and plausible and Joan had kept it a secret, preventing him from shouldering the burden until the possibility was a mere memory. He had said everything Joan had wanted to hear deep down and then had made her look him directly in the eyes and swear on everything and anything-including mean koala bears in hats-that she would never keep anything from him again. Afterwards, he pledged the same to her, even swearing on the koalas.
From then on the months passed easily. Colby was pledging and being hazed for a sorority. At the end of January she had barely made it back into the room before she slumped to the floor and vomited. Johana had been the only one in the room, and she had also been a bit tipsy after spending a night at a party with Tristan, Brandon, Flynn and Beau. As a result, she'd taken great delight in Colby laying in her own vomit and had even gone as far as to snap a few pictures as she giggled and made fun of her. Joan and Adam had come back shortly afterwards. At first, Adam laughed, but a horrified look had crossed Joan's face. She was remembering the state Grace's mom had been in a few New Year's Eves back, as well as the time Judith had nearly killed herself drinking and the fact that Colby was face down in the putrid liquid was enough to send Joan into a turbo take charge mood. They'd spent the whole night nursing Colby back to health, narrowly avoiding the need to bring her to the hospital, only for her to be horrible and snotty to them in the morning when she woke up with a wicked hang over.
Colby had succeeded, also, in breaking Hayley and Brandon up by Valentine's Day. Hayley had spent nearly a month like a robot, going to class, doing homework and eating only because she had to. Brandon had been the same. Joan and Johana both tried to talk sense into the two to no avail.
By St. Patrick's Day, Johana and Joan were the best students in Professor Brinks' kick boxing class and were now considered unofficial 'assistant teachers,' willing to help any students who were having trouble when Brinks couldn't. The two made a good team, but Joan knew that she and Grace would always make a better team, no matter how close she and Johana became. However, that didn't' stop Joan and Jo from teaming up to bring Brandon and Hayley back together at O'Malley's for their annual 'Everyone's Irish' party.
Classes dragged on. Adam's art was selling so well that he was having trouble keeping up. His mind was spinning with the amount of money for each piece getting higher and higher. He had been contemplating transferring to New York so that he wouldn't have to ship everything across the country. Joan was very freaked out by this, because she was unwilling to uproot herself from the school she'd worked so hard to get into just so that Adam could be in New York doing his art. They'd had many long conversations about the positives and the negatives of the situation. Adam didn't want Joan to do something that she didn't want to do. They both also didn't want to be on separate sides of the country from each other. They were at a stand still. Joan was immersing herself into school work. She'd even picked up extra classes and an internship to help further her studies along quicker. Her plan was to finish as early as possible and then possibly go to Graduate school in NYC, so that she could then be close to Adam.
With all of this going on, Joan and Adam were both pleased to know that nothing majorly dramatic had been happening. Sure, Joan had gotten a few strange 'assignments' to figure out but with Adam's help they mastered the tasks quickly and moved on with life. They were happy that there was no sign of Ryan Hunter and they were feeling very optimistic about the future. Of course, that's always when something is bound to go wrong. It wasn't until the beginning of May that things began to go awry.
In Luke and Grace's neck of the woods, the semester took off slowly. Both Grace and Luke's classes had doubled and become harder. Grace was running low on cash, so Fleur had called a Lawyer in the city that she knew and managed to get her a paying internship. The only part of this that Grace despised was the need to buy appropriate work clothes. The first week she'd started working, she'd show up at JB's in the clothes and Ella, Izzy, Avery and JB Jr. would make comments about how she looked good, and then proceeded to pick on her just to be funny. At first it annoyed her but she quickly got over herself and let it go.
February brought two blizzards in 8 days, covering the city in nearly two feet of snow. Classes were only canceled for two days-the days that it was snowing. It was bitterly cold but Luke and Grace managed. They helped each other nightly with class work, and pulled quite a few all nighters in order to get everything they could done before Fridays and Saturdays so that Luke could make extra money with the band playing at various bars and clubs, even personal parties.
March brought St. Patrick's Day and although Grace hated the day, she managed to let herself be okay with most of her friends being drunk while they were at the same shady club the band had performed at for the first time. They were performing for St. Patrick's Day, and Grace knew for a fact that most of them were playing while intoxicated. She'd gotten a little tense during the break in their set when Luke was drinking, but at no point in the night did he smell like alcohol or was anything less than lucid, which was more than she could say for Charlie, Kit, Sweet Lou, Missy, Fleur, Aurelia and even Glynis. Avery and JB Jr. had even showed up, but left early for another party.
It wasn't until the beginning of May when things started to go downhill. Luke and Grace had built up quite a momentum, feeding off of each other to keep going and to keep positive and happy. They'd spent many nights huddled close together studying from different books while wrapped around each other and joking about the X-Files, stupid science stuff, or some little inside joke. They'd also had their fair share of intimate nights together, finding one of their empty dorms to tangle themselves up in each other.
At the beginning of May, classes ended, final papers were due, and finals were just finishing for both Luke and Grace and Adam and Joan. Adam was finalizing plans to transfer to the Art Institute of New York where he would continue studying media arts for advertising while working on his art for Sadie's Gallery. Joan was making plans to stay in California and take as many summer courses as possible. She'd just gotten an extension for her internship which also helped. Because she wanted to become a child psychologist, she'd found a good child psychologist not too far away that needed a new receptionist/file clerk. In turn, he tutored her and helped her with papers, projects and studies. Sometimes he even asked parents if she could sit in and observe sessions with their child.
In Massachusetts, Kit's parents were moving to Florida and Kit was taking over their apartment's lease. Charlie was moving in with her since the two had long ago hooked up. They then, in turn, had three bedrooms to fill and were in desperate need of help with the rent. Since it was actually cheaper than living on their respective campuses, Grace and Luke had made arrangements to move into one of the rooms. Because they'd been saving enough money, they wound up with the master room, which was quite nice, with its own bathroom connected even. Sweet Lou and Glynis jumped at the chance and soon moved into one of the other rooms. Finally, Missy and, surprisingly, Avery, rounded out the bunch, taking the last available room. Missy, mostly, didn't want to have to find a new roommate. She figured since she'd fit in and become good friends with the group, she'd stay with them.
On the morning of May 14th, Grace took her last final and was heading back to the apartment by 10:30am. Luke was finished his finals and had been at JB's since 6am. Charlie, Kit, Missy and Lou were taking finals and Avery was at work with Luke, having finished her finals. Grace entered the apartment, which was located between MIT and Harvard, putting it close to JB's-an excellent location for Grace and Luke. It was fully furnished and Grace was amazed they could afford it. Of course, because the lease had not changed hands, the rent was capped, and they sent their rent money to Kit's parents, who in turn paid up on the lease and the bills.
"Anybody here?" Grace called as she walked up the small hallway, past the kitchen and around to the breakfast counter. She sat on a stool as she opened a letter from Joan.
"Just me!" Glynis' voice called out. She came from the hallway of rooms to Grace's right, anxiously tugging her coat on. "But I'm about to leave! Haha, see you in a few hours Grace!" She grabbed her bag and left quickly, rushing to get to her final.
Grace hit the play button on the answering machine and listened, scanning through Joan's letter, figuring she'd reread it after the messages.
"Gracie, it's your father," The rabbi's voice sounded unusually placid and strained. Grace put the letter down, narrowing her eyes at the machine and listening closer. "It's 8:25 am, Monday morning…the 14th," He cleared his throat. Grace sucked in a deep breath, anticipating the next statement. She felt her eyes begin to burn and her heart started pounding relentlessly inside her ribcage. "It's time, Gracie…I don't remember when you said your finals are done, but you need to come home as soon as possible…your mother's asking for you…" He said quietly. "I have to go…call back…come home…either…please. Goodbye Gracie," The machine clicked and the messages ended.
Grace wasn't sure when she started breathing again. She'd been surprised and frightened to hear her father's voice on the other end. They'd hardly resolved their fighting over the holiday break in the way that she and her mother had somewhat resolved their own conflicts. Grace sat there, frozen. She wasn't ready for this. She wasn't ready to let go of her mother. Everything still wasn't resolved.
Grace lost track of time as she sat, staring into space. She could hear the ticking of the clock on the wall in the kitchen, but she couldn't focus on what time it was. At some point the door of the apartment opened and someone entered.
"Hey, I'm home, is anybody here?" Sweet Lou called as he walked through the hall. He spotted Grace with letters in front of her and headed over. "Hey, you got the mail. How was your final?" He plopped next to her.
Grace blinked, remaining motionless. Lou looked at her, trying to figure out what could be wrong. He waved his hand in front of her face.
"Grace? Hey? What's going on?" Lou asked her. Grace swallowed hard. Her eyes were glazed over and she looked like she was lost inside her own mind. Sweet Lou noticed the message blinking on the phone and clicked the button to play it. As soon as it finished playing, Lou picked up the phone and dialed the number for JB's.
"JB's Southern Comfort Diner, this is Ella, how can I help you?" Ella's voice floated through the line.
"El, it's Sweet Lou," Lou said.
"Hey Hon, you want to order something?" Ella replied happily.
"No, El, you'd better put Luke on," Lou said solemnly.
"Is everything okay?" Ella asked, concern lacing through her voice now.
"El, I need to talk to Luke right away, okay?" Lou said. He could tell from the trance Grace was in, and the message, that this was a dire emergency, worthy of instant support.
"Okay, hold on," Ella set the phone down. Lou frowned as he looked at Grace. He put his hand on her shoulder to try to comfort her but she didn't even flinch.
"Hello? Lou?" Luke said after he'd snatched the phone up.
"Dude, bro you need to get here now," Lou replied immediately.
"What's going on?" Luke asked.
"It's about Grace's mom. Just tell JB I'll come fill in for you and get here now," Lou persisted.
"On my way," Luke hung up. Lou hung up and put the phone back. He ran is hand in circles on Grace's back.
"Luke's on his way Grace, it'll be okay," Sweet Lou told her. He didn't know what else to do or say.
It only took five minutes for Luke to run from JB's to the apartment. He let himself in, skidding to a stop at the breakfast counter.
"What's going on?" He asked, looking at Grace and then Lou. Lou stood up to allow access to Grace. Luke sat on the stool next to Grace. He pushed her hair out of her face and touched her shoulder gently. "Grace?" He asked. Grace blinked and looked at him. She seemed to be in a state of shock.
"Her mom's sick," Lou said. He pressed the button of the answering machine to let him hear the message. Upon hearing her father's strained voice again, Grace's eyes spilled over, and her shoulders started to wobble. "I'm going to head to JB's to fill in for you," Lou said, grabbing his coat.
"I owe you, Lou," Luke told him.
"No you don't," Lou said on his way out.
Luke turned his attention to Grace. He'd left in such a hurry that he hadn't even taken his apron off. He'd forgotten his coat even. Luke whipped the apron off and tossed it aside. He reached out for Grace.
"Grace…" He said her name a little harshly. Grace's body jumped and she turned to look at him, as if recognizing for the first time that someone was in the room with her.
"Girardi…" Her voice cracked, dry and stiff. "My mom…" She tried to explain.
Luke nodded. "I heard the message. I know," He stood and pulled her against him so she was standing. He was hoping to get her to focus and snap back to reality. "Come on, we'll pack a bag and head to the airport," He tried to move her with him towards their room. Grace stood frozen, numbly buried against his chest, her hands gripping at the back of his shirt. "Grace…" He brushed her hair. "Come on, you have to snap out of it," He gave her a slight shake.
Slowly, Grace turned her eyes up towards him. She shook her head. "I can't do this," She told him. "I…I don't want to."
"I know you don't," Luke frowned. "But you know you need to," He continued. Grace looked down. She did need to. She just didn't want to. She was fairly certain she couldn't handle this. How did Rove ever get through this? He didn't even have the lengthy warning that Grace had. "Come on, let's get together okay?"
Slowly, Grace nodded, allowing Luke to lead her to their room. He sat her on the edge of the bed, where she noticed that the clock read 2:43pm. Luke grabbed a duffle bag and rushed around. He grabbed a couple of pairs of clothes for Grace and some for himself, tossing them and some necessities into the bag. He changed from his dirty work t-shirt into a clean t-shirt, pulling a dark maroon sweater over it. He quickly sprayed some cologne to cover up the burger smell and zipped the duffle bag shut. He found a jacket to use and threw it on. After he pulled the duffle bag to his shoulder, he held Grace's leather jacket up for her and she stood stiffly and pulled it on. Luke made sure he had his keys and then led Grace out into the hall.
"Hey guys…what's wrong?" Missy asked. She had just come in.
"Hey Miss, can you drive us to the airport?" Luke asked gravely.
"Sure," Missy didn't even have to take her coat off as she reached out and accepted Luke's keys. "What's going on?" She asked.
"I'll explain on the way," Luke assured. Missy nodded, locking the door as she followed them out.
"Hello?" Johana picked up the phone in the dorm. She licked some melted chocolate off her thumb as she waited for someone on the other line so speak, cradling the phone to her ear with her shoulder as she did her homework. There was a buzzing sound and some muffled words. "Hello? Who is this?" Johana said now.
"Hi, I need to speak with Joan," Luke said into the phone receiver. Each time he repeated it, it was louder. "No, JOAN! I need to speak to JOAN!" He called.
"OH! You need Joan? Sorry, Joan's not here right now. Can I take a message for her?" Johana finally replied. "Or you could try her cell phone if you know the number," She suggested.
"I'll just call her cell, thanks," Luke hung up hurriedly. He didn't really care if he sounded rude at this point. He hadn't been able to get a hold of Adam and now getting a hold of Joan was proving to be impossible.
Joan was just about to leave work when her cell phone began to buzz as it lit up. She yanked it out of her pocket as she locked the door to the office and started for the elevator.
"Yes dogboy, what's the problem?" She asked, slightly amused as she teased him.
"Joan?" Luke asked. The payphone at the hospital was horrible.
"Yeah, it's me. What kind of phone are you on?" Joan asked, glancing at her own phone before putting it back to her ear.
"Payphone," Luke replied. "I'm at the hospital-,"
"What's wrong? What happened?" Joan interrupted him immediately as she waited for the elevator to reach her floor.
"Nothing, we're fine. Well physically we're fine. We're in Arcadia," He sighed. "Grace's mom is…she's, er…taken a turn for the worse…in fact," Luke made a strange noise, "she's dying. The doctors gave her another few hours…at most. Her Liver's basically shutting down."
Joan was silent for a moment on her end as the elevator bell rang and the doors opened. She stepped into the elevator car and hit the bottom for the first floor.
"Joan? Joan are you there? Did I lose you?" Luke asked into his receiver, looking at it, and almost hitting it against the wall to make sure.
"No, no I'm here," Joan cleared her throat. "Adam gets done work now, so we should be back at the dorms at the same time. We'll throw some stuff together and get there as soon as possible," She told Luke.
"I don't think you have to," Luke said cautiously. "Grace might get mad if you fly all the way out here because of her mom-,"
"Don't be stupid, Luke," Joan interrupted him again. "We're coming home, and it's not because of her mom, it's because Grace needs us-even if she's going to say she doesn't," Joan continued. "I'll call you when we have a flight and let you know when we'll be landing."
"Okay," Luke agreed. They both said goodbye and hung up. Luke sighed. He picked up the phone and put in the last bit of change he had. Sometimes he really hated the fact that you couldn't use your cell phone in a hospital and he refused to go further from the waiting room then the hallway with the payphone in it. Before he could really think of who the next important person to call was, he dialed his home phone number.
"Hello?" Helen's voice floated through the receiver to Luke's ear-a comforting sound for him. Luke closed his eyes, leaning his head against the side of the phone.
"Mom, it's Luke," He said.
"Luke? Well, I wasn't expecting a phone call from you," Her voice sounded excited. She was happy to be hearing from Luke. "How are you? Is everything going okay?"
Luke cleared his throat. "No, not really," He replied. "We're in Arcadia mom. I would have called sooner but we kind of had to rush here. Grace's mom's in the hospital…" He let the sentence trail off, knowing his mother would make the connection that this was Sarah's final hospital visit.
"Oh, honey…" Helen sounded genuinely upset and distraught. "You wait right there, I'll be down as soon as possible," She told him.
Luke felt horrible, dragging his mom from home to the hospital after she'd worked all day and was probably exhausted. He knew, however, that Grace would need more than him for support and he was confident that she would need his mom.
"Okay," Luke replied quietly. They both hung up and Luke let out a long sigh. He turned and made his way back to the waiting room. Grace had gone directly into her mother's hospital room. Her father was already in the room.
Now, the Rabbi was in the waiting room. He was sitting in a hard plastic chair, hunched over with his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped tightly together. His eyes were clenched shut tightly and his lips moved silently as, Luke guessed, he prayed for his wife. Luke sat down in a chair nearby the Rabbi. In honesty, he had become disappointed in the man since the New Year's Eve before they went to college, when he had shifted from mostly ignoring important family issues hoping they would go away to blaming Grace for everything that was going wrong in their lives.
The Rabbi must have heard Luke sit down because his prayer stopped and after a prolonged awkward moment, he slowly turned his head to look at Luke. Luke hadn't even made a move to look at the Rabbi. He was staring at the entrance of the waiting room. If Grace were to walk through the doorway into the waiting room, Luke was going to be the first person she would come across if he had anything to say about it.
"My Gracie…won't even look me in the eye anymore," He spoke up. Luke flinched, but he still didn't turn his head to look at the Rabbi. "She thinks I'm a failure as a father," He leaned back in his seat. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy. "Maybe I am," He nodded. "There's nothing I can do about it now, though," He was speaking to himself mostly.
Luke shook is head, letting out a hard breath. "Maybe if you stopped running from everything, she wouldn't be so disappointed in you," He replied without turning his head while keeping his arms crossed. He stared out the door of the waiting room at the clock that was attached to a wall behind the nurse's station.
The Rabbi didn't argue. He simply sat, thinking about Luke's comment, and probably the past, when things were easier and simpler. Luke recalled those times. In his own mind his had two separate lives; The simpler, kinder life was the one he had before Kevin's accident, the harder, more brutal and realistic world is everything after Kevin's accident. Both times were riddled with good, happy and loving moments. The latter, however, was riddled also with hard, desperate, despairing moments. Most people designated their lives into childhood and adulthood. Childhood was when all you had to do was run around and play, sucking up as much time outside as possible. Adulthood meant all things real in the world. Luke thought about both of these seemingly separate lives. It only took him 30 seconds to confirm that he did not regret either. He regretted Kevin's accident, but without the accident, it was highly improbable that he could have met Grace. He would gladly take the hardships; without them how would he truly appreciate the good times?
Finally turning his head, Luke saw that the Rabbi was staring at his lap. He had a thought-filled expression on his face. Luke knew he was thinking about all the regrets of his life. Thinking of his own father, Luke couldn't fathom how one man could block himself off to so much in his own life and then preach to a congregation of families worthwhile advice.
I will remember you/Will you remember me/Don't let your life, pass you by/Weep not for, the memories…
Grace had pulled over the only chair in the room and sat facing her mother. The difference from now and the last time, was that she was clutching Sarah's hand this time and staring intently at her sleeping face. Grace had already done her fair share of crying. The whole plane ride she'd angrily wiped the saline drops from her face, desperate to make them stop. The expensive cab ride here was even worse. When she'd walked in, and her father had tried to hug her, she wished she hadn't been crying. She had almost wished he wasn't there. In fact, she hadn't said a word to him. She simply pulled the chair over and sat down, clutching her mom's hand and refusing to do anything but stare at her. After what could have been minutes or hours to Grace, the Rabbi finally left the room. Grace wanted to speak, in an attempt to wake her mother, but she was more terrified of what would happen if Sarah was awake.
It was a horrifying sight. Sarah's skin was yellow, and Grace knew that fluid had been building up in her legs and abdomen because of the edema that the cirrhosis was causing. Her muscles were mostly atrophied, her palms were red. There was dried blood that someone had missed cleaning around the edges of her nostrils from nosebleeds. There were also various bruises on Sarah's body from being handled, her condition causing easy bruises.
An oxygen tube was in her nose, circling around her ears and connecting under her chin. The whirring sound of the machine gave Grace chills. Wires protruded from the top of Sarah's hospital issue gown, presumably connected to the heart monitors that were beeping in a slow rhythm. And IV line hung down and wound its way into the back of Sarah's wrist on the other side of the bed. Grace closed her eyes for just a few seconds, trying to regulate her breathing. You knew this was going to happen, why didn't you prepare yourself? She demanded in her mind. Do you see what letting your guard down has done to you, Polk? You've gone soft. Shut up. Grace shook her head and inhaled deeply. She felt movement near her hand and she slowly, cautiously opened her eyes. Sarah's eyes, the same eyes Grace stared at in the mirror everyday, stared back at her through Sarah's barely opened eyelids. At the sight of Grace, Sarah's lips curved into a tiny smile.
"Gracie…" She spoke so quietly Grace actually leaned forward in the chair to hear her. "You're here…" Sarah sounded shocked.
Grace nodded, her chin quivered before she could stop it. She couldn't bring herself to reply. She knew if she spoke, her welling eyes would overflow again and that was the last thing she wanted.
"Oh, Gracie…please…" Sarah said sadly. "I've caused enough crying…" Sarah used as much effort as she could muster to reach up and brush at a stray tear on Grace's cheek. Grace shut her eyes for only a second before surrendering to the tears as she reached up and curled her hand to her mother's which was still against her cheek.
She shook her head slightly, "Please don't die…" She said feebly.
A sad smile came to Sarah's face as her hand came to rest on the bed again. She squeezed Grace's hand tighter. "Come now, Gracie…we both knew this time was coming," She replied.
"You can't just…leave," Grace argued. "Not when we were…" Grace hesitated, unsure how to finish her sentence.
"When we were fixing things?" Sarah's voice came labored and Grace hated to take up Sarah's energy selfishly by talking. In truth, Sarah had been living at the Polanski house on hospice for nearly two months. She'd been rushed to the hospital early that morning, when the inevitable had arrived. Grace nodded.
"Gracie…I know I don't deserve your forgiveness-," Sarah started to speak.
"You already have it," Grace interrupted her. Sarah's eyes opened just a bit more and she began to tear up. Grace couldn't help but roll her eyes. "Stop it, only one of us is allowed to cry at a time," She sniffled and used her free hand to wipe at her face.
Sarah lingered, letting her eyes drink in the sight of her daughter before her for a moment. She sighed softly, and gave a small shake of her head. "Oh…Elizabeth is sure going to give me a good talking to, for being so awful to you, when I see her again…" She mused.
Grace stared at her mother. She hadn't heard Sarah speak about Rove's mother since the day Grace came walking in the house, fresh from Rove's house, tear stained and frightened. She told her mother what had happened and Sarah hadn't mentioned Elizabeth since.
They were two women who had become friends only when Adam and Grace had; at the playground when they were three and some kids were bullying Adam, who was prying his sippy cup open to use the water inside to make wet sand and sculpt pictures in the sandbox. Grace had been standing there with her mother, having just arrived at the playground, witnessing the whole thing. As soon as Sarah had told Grace she could go play, Grace had marched right over to the two boys. She had picked up the soccer ball that the bigger one had been throwing at Adam and threw it back in his face. He had run away crying, with his nose bleeding down the front of his shirt. The other one hadn't looked up from shoving Adam's face into the sand, so Grace had picked up a handful of sand and stuffed it right in his face. The boy fell backwards, crying. His mother came rushing over, followed by Elizabeth who had witnessed what was going on and Sarah was close on their heels. The boy's mother started muttering angry phrases and Elizabeth had defended Grace, while cleaning Adam off. Adam simply sat, staring at Grace until their mothers introduced themselves and wondered away to find a bench to sit on and talk.
Grace had then pulled a paper boat out of the back pocket of her overalls. Her dad had shown her how to make one just the week before. Upon seeing it, when Grace fully unfolded it from being flat, Adam stared at it, mesmerized.
"Where'd you get that?" He asked, marveling at the masterpiece in front of him.
Grace smiled warmly at him. "My Daddy showed me how to make 'em! It's easy!" She turned to walk away, towards the creek that was a little bit away from the swings and slides of the playground. When she noticed he wasn't following she turned around. "Come on already!" She'd ordered him. Adam had stood up, dusted himself off and followed at once. "I'm Grace," She told him simply.
"I'm Adam Rove," He had stuck out his stubby little hand like he'd seen his dad do many times. "Pleased to meet you," He gave her a big grin.
"You're weird," She told him. Adam seemed only a little bit put off by this. Grace grabbed a hold of his hand and started walking faster, "Come on Rove, we have to hurry," She told him.
"Where are we going?" Adam asked, glancing back towards his mom.
Suddenly they stopped by a small trickling creek that was maybe one or one and a half feet deep. Grace dropped right down to her knees on the muddy, rocky edge of the water. Adam knelt next to her.
"We're gonna make it disappear down the river!" She pronounced proudly. Before Adam could protest, she reached out and set the boat among the water.
"No!" Adam said, but it was too late. The boat wobbled, sinking slightly and hitching but it continued up the water.
"It's okay! I'll make you one! Come on!" Grace jumped to her feet and ran after the boat until the water disappeared into a drainage tube, leaving Grace cheering on the shore. Adam stood solemnly, but soon smiled, enjoying the idea of paper boats sailing. Boats were supposed to sail.
Before he could say anything else, Grace was speaking again. "Race you to the slide!" She said, taking off.
"Wait!" Adam called, running after her.
"I don't think she'd have room to talk," Grace commented a little bitterly. She had never truly forgiven Elizabeth for what she'd done to Rove, even though she knew that Elizabeth hadn't intentionally done it to hurt Adam.
Sarah looked at Grace sadly and shook her head. She reached her other hand, the one with the IV in it, over and patted the top of Grace's hand. "Gracie…if there is only one thing you will remember…" Her speaking was becoming more labored as the conversation progressed. "It should be that…no matter how much a person loves someone…a husband, a wife, a child…there are things in life…that we lose control of," She looked at Grace. "It was not Elizabeth's intention to hurt Adam…" She reached her hand to Grace's cheek again. "Just as…it was not mine…to hurt you…sometimes we become so…blinded with mistakes…and habits…that we are too far gone…for too long…and it becomes too late."
"Mom…" Grace began to speak, finding she was becoming increasingly choked up as it became harder for Sarah to continue to speak. Sarah shook her head to silence Grace.
"The only thing you can do…Gracie…is learn from my mistakes," She told Grace. "Don't ever let…the ones you love…go a day without knowing how much you love them," Her eyelids began to droop. They closed for a second and Sarah's breathing was so shallow and slow that Grace wasn't sure she was still alive, aside from the heart monitor.
"Mom?" She spoke quietly, frightened. "Mom?" She shook Sarah's shoulder gently.
"Remember…when you were…7…" Sarah spoke, opening her eyes just a crack and letting a tiny smile come to her lips again. A stray tear slid out of her eye.
Remember the good times…that we had/I let them slip away from us when things got bad…/How clearly I first saw you, smiling in the sun/Wanna feel your warmth upon me/I wanna be the one…
Grace blinked, trying to clear her blurry tear-filled vision as she listened. "You wanted…to play hockey…with the boys…because Carl signed Adam up…" She smiled again with much effort.
Grace nodded, letting a sad chuckle out. "You were terrified I'd get hurt…b-but it didn't surprise you…" Grace sniffled, "When I w-wound up hurting the boys instead."
"I always admired…how brave you are," Sarah said lovingly. "You must've…gotten that…from a grandparent…God knows…your father and I…are not."
Grace was trying not to let her tears cut into her voice now. "Why is this happening now?" She hadn't meant to ask the question out loud. Wasn't God supposed to be on her side? Grace's body tensed, anger began to build. Sarah squeezed her hand.
"Oh, Gracie, no…don't be angry...please," She looked sadly at her daughter. So much anger, so much hurt, most of which was Sarah's own fault, shown all over Grace. Grace sniffled, setting her jaw tight. "The day you were born…" Sarah spoke again after a few minutes of them staring at each other. Her eyes closed slightly again. It was barely visible that her eyes were open by now. "Oh…you were…so perfect…" Sarah's voice filled with deep sadness and regret. "I swore…that nothing would…ever hurt you…" She continued.
"Mom," Grace tried to stop her. She wasn't sure if she could take much more. Sarah's eyes opened further with great effort.
"I never knew then…that I was included in that promise, Gracie…" She swore. "I need to know...you know…I love you."
Grace nodded, unable to speak. She clutched Sarah's hand. Not now, she begged, please, not now. I don't ask you for anything…please; please don't do this to me. Grace slowly stood; she managed to crawl onto the edge of the bed, lying down with her head resting in the crook of her mother's neck. She let her shoulders shake, not caring that she was crying now.
"I have to go now," Sarah said softly.
Grace lifted her head, alarmed. "No, Mom…I can't do this…" She pleaded. Sarah's eyes were closed. "There's too much we didn't…resolve…"
"It's okay Gracie…" Sarah promised.
"No, it's not," Grace argued. "Mom, please…"
"Shhh…Don't…live in the past…You have a…bright future…to look forward…to," Sarah said calmly. Her breathing slowed again as Grace pushed Sarah's hair out of the way. She stood up off the bed.
"Mom, wait, don't go yet," She begged Sarah quietly, crying harder. She leaned down and kissed Sarah's forehead before leaning down to whisper, close to her ear, "Mom…I love you…" She said before a sob cut into her voice.
Within seconds, the heart monitor began to emit a long, slow alarm. Grace stared at Sarah. She shook her shoulders some.
"Mom…no…please wake up…" She begged, even though she knew it wasn't possible. She sunk down, burying her face into Sarah's neck and letting the sobs take her over.
A nurse hurried in. She was about to clear Grace away and start CPR, until she saw the initials D.N.R. on Sarah's chart. She walked over and turned off the heart monitor and the oxygen machine before walking around to Grace and putting a hand on her shoulder, expressing condolences to Grace. Grace didn't move, she just kept crying. The nurse left, presumably to go and find Grace's father.
Grace didn't know how long it was but eventually, she felt a strong hand on her shoulder. By now the sobbing had given way to hiccups, as Grace stood, numbly still leaning down with her face buried into Sarah's neck.
"Gracie…" The Rabbi's soft whisper reminded Grace was when she was little and had nightmares. He would come in and quietly say her name before sweeping her crying form into his arms and telling her that it was only a dream and he was there to protect her. "Gracie…it's time to go," His voice sounded thick, as though he was fighting not to cry.
Moving mechanically, Grace stood straight and turned. She was aware that her father's arm was around her shoulders but everything seemed to wobble around her. Her head felt heavy and her chest felt constricted. She had had this dream many times. But she usually woke up before this point. How could this really be happening? Her mind reeled as her father led her towards the waiting room.
"You got here faster then I expected," Luke said when Joan and Adam came running into the waiting room. He had gotten a hold of Joan at 5pm their time. It was almost 11 when they showed up, with Will in tow, who had picked them up from Baltimore and drove them down. Helen accepted hugs from both of them as she stood up from her seat like Luke had. Will went over to talk to the Rabbi. Joan stepped in front of Luke, after lingering for a long moment while hugging her mother. Before Luke could say anything else, she threw her arms around Luke and hugged him tightly. "Whoa…are you okay?" He asked her. Joan nodded into his chest before pulling away and sucking in a deep breath.
"How's Grace?" She asked. Luke frowned.
"She's been in her mom's room since we got her," He said. Joan nodded. Adam was right next to her, listening intently. He looked dazed and weary. No doubt he'd spent the whole plane ride thinking about his own mother.
"All we can do is wait," Helen informed them, reaching out to put a comforting hand on Adam's shoulder. "Are you okay?" She asked him.
Adam cleared his throat, and nodded. "Uh…yeah…I'm okay," He lied. His mind was caught up in memories.
"I'm going to go down to the cafeteria and get us all some coffee and something to eat, okay?" Helen looked around at all of them. All three of them nodded numbly. Helen offered one last longing glance before turning and heading for the cafeteria.
Luke sat down. Joan sat down to his left side and Adam sat on the other side of her. Luke began staring at the clock again. Joan reached out and tangled her hand in his. She reached her other hand out and wrapped her arm around Adam's arm before entwining their hands. She put her head down on his shoulder and they sat in silence.
It was minutes after that that an alarm went off behind the Nurse's station. All three of them, and Will and the Rabbi's heads looked up. The head nurse stood, calling out to another nurse.
"Code blue in room 493!" She said.
Luke swallowed hard, climbing to his feet. The Rabbi stood, stunned for a minute before heading down the hallway behind the second nurse. Joan and Adam both stood up slowly. It took 20 minutes for the Rabbi to bring Grace back up the hallway.
They all saw her, and her eyes looked at them but it was clear that she was numb and couldn't really see them. Her eyes were distant and her movement was stiff and awkward. She didn't even seem to register that her father's arm was around her. Luke stepped forward, without a word as the Rabbi turned and headed for the nurse's station to start signing the papers and documents that needed his approval. Grace's eyes were glazed, but no tears seemed to be able to fall as this point. Luke wrapped her up in his embrace and held onto her without saying a word. He felt her weight relax only a little into him as her head turned to the side and pressed into his collarbone. He clenched his own eyes, trying to hold back his tears, pained at seeing Grace in such a distressed state of shock as he stroked her hair and swayed just slightly.
Joan and Adam inched forward, both with watery eyes. Before they could think better of it, they circled around Grace, Joan on one side and Adam on the other, wrapping their arms around the huddle that was Grace and Luke, and placing their heads down next to hers. Without warning, a strangled sob escaped Grace, and her shoulders shook as she buried her face forward into Luke's sweater.
Helen came back to the waiting room as the group huddled close, holding onto Grace firmly. She put the tray of coffee and food down was Will walked over to her. Helen easily began to tear up and Will put a supportive arm around her, as he looked on, frowning at the saddened group.
I will remember you/Will you remember me/Don't let your life, pass you by/Weep not for, the memories…
Everything happened too quickly for Grace to grasp anything. She couldn't bring herself to sleep. She'd spent Tuesday cleaning the entire house, unable to rest. Adam, Luke and Joan had taken up residence at the Polanski house. Joan had taken Grace shopping on Tuesday as well, to find something appropriate to wear since most of both of their clothes were in their dorm or apartment. Likewise, Adam and Luke had to go and find appropriate clothing. Adam hadn't been able to sleep either. He'd spent most of Tuesday night and early Wednesday morning sitting on the front porch talking to Grace about their mothers. Mostly, Adam talked and Grace remained mostly mute.
Now, at the cemetery, Grace stood as still as the statues on nearby graves. The Rabbi was at the front of the coffin with a fellow Rabbi from a nearby congregation that had known the family. Grace was glad he wasn't standing next to her. She felt terrible for feeling that way. Luke had a firm arm around her that came across her left shoulder and down her back to her waist. She stood perfectly still with her hands at her sides. Her eyes were horribly bloodshot and swollen. They burned as wind whipped around them. Her eyes had dark bags under them from lack of sleep. Joan had brushed Grace's hair, parting it to the side and using pins to hold it back. Adam stood next to Grace on her right. He held tightly onto her hand, just as she had at his mother's funeral. Joan stood just behind the three of them with a comforting hand on Adam's shoulder and the other hand on Grace's shoulder. Helen and Will stood next to Joan, behind Luke. Kevin and Lily were somewhere nearby, trying to stay out of the way but still be supportive.
Missy, Glynis, Sweet Lou, Charlie, Kit, Fleur, Aurelia, Dina and even Ajax and Clayton, from the band, had traveled down in support of Grace. She knew they were there but she couldn't tear her gaze away from the coffin with its beautifully alive flowers piled on top of it. Grace thought it was incredibly hypocritical to have such beautiful, lively things on top of something cold and dead. JB had even closed the diner for the day. He, Izzy, JB Jr, Avery, Ella and even Danica and Rush were also present.
Grace couldn't even focus in on any of the words being uttered around her. Relatives huddled around sniffled and cried. Grace stood frozen. She couldn't cry anymore. In fact, she was fairly sure that her tear ducts had sealed themselves shut after becoming bored and tired of working to produce new tears to cry. Still, she held a handful of balled up tissues that someone had handed her.
Finally, when her father began to recite a Eulogy that Grace knew he'd written well before Sarah had died, Grace looked up through the rows of headstones. There, standing off by a tree stood Collier. He was in a black suit with a long flowing trench coat. His face was downcast and somber and even from the distance, Grace could see his dark, red tinted eyes. She probably would have felt anger, but she was too exhausted to even bother.
After a long grueling ceremony, everyone retreated back to the Polanski house. All the mirrors in the house were covered. The house was prepared for a 7-day sitting of mourning known as Shiv'ah. Usually the mourners and visitors are not supposed to share greetings, but Grace ignored the looks of her family and father as those who came all the way from Massachusetts to support her. She accepted their hugs and thanked them all, but spoke little. What was there to say? Most of them had never seen her in this condition. Mostly Luke Adam, Joan and Glynis acted as a buffer, carting away and talking to those who had visited from Cambridge.
Grace found herself sitting out on the deck just beside the door that led back into the house. She leaned her back against the outside of the house, just under the window that she knew was above the sink. She looked down at the ribbon that was pinned to her sleeve. She knew it was there out of tradition. Technically the mourners were supposed to tear a part of their garment, but the tradition had morphed into placing a ribbon upon themselves and tearing it instead, so as not to ruin clothes. She remembered wearing this ribbon when her Grandmother had passed away.
"Can I join you?"
Grace looked up and saw Adam. She nodded weakly and looked back down at her lap. Adam handed her a glass of water as he sat down on the other side of her.
"How come you're not sitting in a chair?" He asked.
"Custom," She muttered, "Supposed to symbolize the emotional reality of being brought 'low' by grief and sadness. Rove…listen…I can't do with anymore words of wisdom-,""
Adam nodded slowly. "There's nothing I can say…you know…" He shrugged as she looked over at him and he looked out into the yard, his hand lingering at his knee as he picked at an invisible piece of lint. He looked back at her. "Everything anyone says to you is fake," He commented. Grace turned and stared at the deck, listening. "Things like they say in the movies…it just makes it worse," He looked at her. Boldly, considering Grace's temperament, Adam reached out and slipped his hand into hers. Grace looked over at him. He pulled her hand up and kissed the back of it before putting their clasped hands to his chest over his heart, "but…if I made you a paper boat, we could sail away for awhile?" He suggested. Grace's eyes welled as she tightly pushed her lips together. She leaned in and put her head down on Adam's shoulder and he pulled his arm around her. They didn't speak. No more words needed to be said between them.
I'm so tired, but I can't sleep…/Standing on the edge of something much too deep…/It's funny how we feel so much, but we cannot say a word…/We are screaming inside oh, but we can't be heard…
By the following Tuesday, Grace hadn't once left the house. Mostly she stayed in her room, seated on the floor in the corner with her back to the wall. She used the least amount of words possible. She slept a half an hour at a time, not moving from her position in the corner except to drag herself to the bathroom or to eat. Mostly Joan, Luke and Adam took shifts sitting with her, not talking, or talking while she listened. They brought her food and water and sat next to her protectively.
It was sometime around 5 or 6pm on Tuesday when she finally cracked. She was sitting out on the front steps, leaning against the railing. Adam and Joan had gone on a food run. Will and Helen were inside helping to clean and speaking with the Rabbi, Adam's Dad and the others inside. Luke walked outside, lingering in the doorway and watching Grace stare up at the sky. Finally he walked over and sat down next to her. He didn't speak. Luke hadn't used any of the cheesy cliché that everyone used when someone you knew died. He never once told her not to cry, or that her mother wouldn't want her to be upset. He never pushed her to do anything she didn't want to, only asked her if she wanted to eat, or to go for a walk or something along those lines. He never once fed her a stupid line like 'it's going to be okay.' Grace loved him all the more for it. Now, as she sat with her legs up and her hands clasped between her knees, he simply reached out and put his hand over hers.
Grace stared out across the street. "I used to think I would be happy…" She tightened her jaw and Luke saw her eyes filling. "You know…when she died," She shrugged and put her head down. Her hair fell in her face as she shook her head disgusted with herself. "How horrible is that?"
I will remember you/Will you remember me/Don't let your life, pass you by/Weep not for, the memories…
Luke took his hand and brushed her hair behind her ear before moving and kissing the side of her head, drawing her to him with his arm. "It doesn't make you horrible, Grace…it makes you human," He told her.
Grace sighed. She abruptly stood up and walked down the steps to the sidewalk. Luke stood and stepped down the stairs.
"I can't stay here anymore," She stated. Her arms shook and she looked wild and restless. "I can't deal with…with all of them and these traditions and…stupid, ribbons," She tugged and ripped the pinned on ribbon away violently, dropping it to the ground.
"Grace," Luke said.
"I can't deal with this," She spoke again. "I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't get her face out of my head, I can't get her voice…" Grace ran a ragged hand through her hair, seeming to rock as she stood, unsure what to do.
"Okay, Grace," Luke stepped forward, taking her shoulders in his hands. "Where do you want to go? I'll take you anywhere you want," He assured.
"The cemetery," she swallowed hard. "I want to go to the cemetery," She told him. This shocked Luke. A week ago she'd told him she never wanted to set foot in the cemetery again. Still, he nodded and moved to sit her back on the steps.
"Stay right here, I'll get my dad's keys," He told her. Grace only nodded as Luke disappeared inside. Moments later he returned and walked her to the car.
Once at the cemetery, they sat in the car, parked by the fresh gravesite, for nearly 45 minutes. Grace stared out the window at the stubble of grass poking up in random spots in the freshly packed dirt on her mother's grave. Flowers were wilting next to freshly laid flowers at the bottom of the headstone. Finally, Grace flung the door open and started towards the grave. Luke was alarmed but he just hurried to follow.
I'm so afraid to love you…/But more afraid to loose…/Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose…/Once there was a darkness…deep and endless night…/You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light…
Grace paced at the grave for a few minutes as Luke stood by, watching, not sure what he should do. "How could you think everything was just going to be okay?" She yelled at the headstone, biting back the threatening tears as she angrily paced. Luke felt his heart pounding. He wanted just to pull her to him and make all of this go away, but he stood helplessly to the side.
"You left me with this mess to sort out myself!" Grace screamed. "You left me before you died! You left me when I was too young to understand why! You left me here with all this…all this…confusion…and anger and pain!" She fell to her knees now in front of the grave. "Now you get to go and rest forever and I'm stuck here! I'm stuck here trying to fix the life you screwed up for me!" She reached out and hit the grave angrily. "How could you do this to me? How dare you!" She hit the grave again before collapsing towards her knees. Luke dropped himself in front of her awkwardly reaching into grab her. Grace's upper body fell across him, with her head lying sideways on his shoulder and bicep, both of her arms curled in so her hands clutched his arm. Luke held onto her as he body rocked and she began to sob for the first time since they were at the hospital.
"How could you just leave me after everything you said…and did…how can you just…when I need you…I've needed you for so long…" She said out loud. Hiccups cut through her sobs as she tried to catch her breath. She was aware of Luke's own tears falling into her hair as he held onto her tightly, trying to figure out what to do to help her.
Luke shifted to a sitting position to pull Grace close and she panicked and gripped him tighter.
"Please don't leave me," She begged.
"I'm not going anywhere," Luke's heart broke further now that he'd caused her extra stress. "I'm right here…" He kept repeating into her ear, rocking with her. Grace cried for a long time, just buried into Luke. Luke was aware at some point when she'd managed to exhaust herself to sleep, only to wake up crying again after nearly an hour.
By the time the sun had set, the temperature had dropped dramatically. Luke could feel Grace shivering in his arms. He had already taken his suit jacket off and draped it around her.
"We should get you home soon, you're going to get sick," He finally said quietly. He had been ignoring the numbness and the pins and needles in his limbs for a few hours.
"No…not yet. I can't," She croaked. Her throat was sore. She sniffled occasionally, cried out and just feeling numb and empty again.
"Okay," Luke agreed.
And I will remember you/Will you remember me/Don't let your life, pass you by/Weep not for, the memories…/Weep not for the memories…
By 10 pm, it had started to rain. The cold, fat drops splattered against them and the ground softened under them, leaving their clothes muddy and their hair matted down to their face. Grace's eyes started to droop wearily and Luke had to make a decision. Her shivering had worsened and her teeth were chattering. In one swift move that he wasn't even sure how he'd managed to do, he'd stood up, scooping her with him with one arm under her knees and one arm supporting her back. Grace laid limply against him, her head buried into his collarbone and her arms gripped to his shirt and the back of his neck.He carried her to the car and put her in before climbing in and driving to her house. Once there he carried her right past everyone, as she fell asleep against his shoulder, up to her room. He'd locked the door behind him so that he could change her into some dry clothes and then had let Joan and Adam in. The two of them dried Grace's hair and covered her up while Luke quickly changed into some clothes before he went over and sat on the bed next to Grace. He sat back against the headboard and lifted her upper torso into his lap. Joan and Adam laid themselves around her on the bed and they stayed with her all night, sleeping in shifts so that they one of them would be awake should she wake up.
Joan was the last to be up. She watched the sun rise through Grace's window as she looked at the other three sprawled tightly together on the bed. Luke had Grace's upper body wrapped tightly in his embrace. Adam was sprawled on his stomach with his arms draped over Grace's knees, and Joan had slipped her hand into Adam's while he slept. Looking at them now she realized that life was never going to get 'easier.' It was going to keep throwing curve balls at them. Instead of wishing for better, they were learning how to survive and keep each other afloat. She took a deep breath and swore to herself that she would never let them lose each other, and she would do everything in her power until her last dying breath to make sure they stuck together, because she knew they would never survive apart.
A/N: PHEW! That was tough people! Cut me some slack on the time it took to update (cough, Sayxanything, cough!) How horrible did I do? (As my mother, thank God, hasn't died, huge amount of knocking on wood here, I wasn't sure if I adequately described Grace's reactions so….I did my best people). Moving on…
Chapter title from 'I Will Remember You" by Sarah McLachlan.
FYI: The next chapter will probably be the epilogue, tying up loose ends. And just a huge forewarning, it's probably going to leap a year or maybe two into the future, just so you're not freaked out and confused.
Responses: Tiffany – Am I still less evil than you? Your welcome for the non break up but that doesn't mean it won't happen in the future you know! You should update by the way…you're driving me nuts. I need to know what's going to happen!
Kool-Wolf – Dude, I WANT TO FREAKING LIVE! I'll make it much later…well…sort of…you'll seen (in regards to the pregnant thing). I think I'm putting Ryan on the back burner for the end of this story (as the epilogue is up next). Of course…that doesn't mean he won't be back for say, a third story. Hate your guts on a regular basis, foe. Peace. Actually, scratch that…violence.
Carol – Thanks for the flashback kudos! I know the flashback for this chapter wasn't from an episode but what did you think of it? Grace is not having visions. ) That's a neat idea though. No she was thinking about everything that had happened with Ryan Hunter and as a result she was picturing bad things in her mind, like possibilities. So she freaked out. No…I can't tell you if there's going to be a showdown. I CAN tell you it won't be in this story…but that just means I have to keep writing now doesn't it? )
Audrey – Thanks for the kudos! How awful did I make this chapter? Be honest now!
Andrea – Thanks for the kudos, yo! Was this an adequate update? Sorry to make you wait so long!
Coveredinrain16 – All good things must come to an end! I'm leaning towards a third story though! Phew…I was worried about the J/A thing there dude! Thanks for the kudos…I'm blushing, seriously. I'm not worthy! Admitting addiction is the first step! But who would want to get over this addiction? So…how bad was this chapter? Be honest! Much love!
Laura – Hey, hey my lowland sista, where have you been? How bad was the withdraw this time? Don't hurt me! Ah…I'll explain the Bonnie bit in due time (maybe I'll explain it in e-mail if you're nice! Ha!) There can truly never be enough G/L. Be honest and tell me how horrible this chapter was will you? P.S. – Awwwwww! (On the mom hugging!)
Sayxanything- I'm sorry! Relax withdraw maniac! How bad was this chapter?
Sam – Shame on you! Kidding, I'm kidding! ) Don't feel bad! Caleb has got everyone under a spell hasn't he? Maybe he's evil? No, not really but that would be amusing! I'm partial to the G/R friendship as well, by the way. Yes! It would be weird for Grace to call her Helen wouldn't it? I know you love the baby thing, I'm throwing it in now just for you and me lol! Thanks for the Kudos on everything! Much love!