Disclaimer: These characters are the property of CBS, inc.
A/N: So I got busy and am late with this. My sincerest apologies. I like this chapter. I really do and I hope you do too. I appreciate your feedback, so let me know what you think.
As always, I want to thank the wonderful Marlou for being a beta for this chapter.
Sheila
Hope Springs
Chapter 10
The looks she got surprised her. After all, this was San Francisco. One very pregnant woman gave her a raised eyebrow, and so Sara flashed her a big smile. She reached for Mark's hand and squeezed tightly. He in turn took Matthew's hand, and the three of them headed for the back of the room. Matthew dropped a mat onto the floor, and Sara kneeled down with Mark's help. Her pregnancy was growing, and she was amazed at how awkward she had grown. She felt almost as if she were lopsided.
Mark and Matthew were eager stand-ins, but she wished Grissom was here. The daily phone calls, the attention he was giving her, it had all given her hope for something new. A familiar sadness was beginning to weigh on her again, and she struggled not to let it interfere with her focus.
She felt nervous in this first class. Lamaze made it all feel so real. She dreaded the childbirth video she imagined would happen in this or one of the other classes. She wasn't looking forward to viewing such a naked experience with relative strangers.
The class was starting to fill up with more and more expectant mothers and their partners. Matthew seemed to relish his role as a Lamaze partner, and was shaking hands with mothers and making comments on their pregnancies as if he had been mentoring pregnancies all his life.
A beautiful strawberry blonde with dark glasses entered the room and looked around. Sara caught a glimpse of her through the many bodies milling around and squinted. The woman caught her eye and headed in her direction. Sara's eyes widened as the woman approached. The woman pulled off her glasses and flipped her hair off her face.
"Catherine?" Sara's eyes were wide.
She opened with her trademark smile. "God, Sara, it was hell finding this place."
"Why? What are you doing in San Francisco?"
Mark and Matthew wandered over with interest.
Catherine looked around for a chair, sighed, and then carefully settled herself onto the floor. "Well, I was in the break room this afternoon, and Gloomy Gil came in wearing his best suit. Said he had to make a court date. With a little prodding, he admitted that he left you high and dry at your first Lamaze so I told him he was going to go to hell. He didn't appreciate my candidness. Several sharp exchanges later, he was booking a flight for me to Frisco and arranging to have my shift covered."
Sara shook her head. "I don't understand."
She rolled her eyes. "I have come here as an emissary from the bugman. I am to participate with you and then return and transfer all my knowledge to his royal idiocy."
"You're kidding?"
Catherine laughed. "He booked me first class, and loaded me down with cash. After class, I have strict instructions to take you out to the best place in town for dinner. There apparently has been some concern about your iron intake. He's been reading."
Matthew reached in. "Hi, I am Matthew Stone. This is my partner, Mark Capistrant. Are you the exotic dancer?"
Mark slapped the back of his boyfriend's head.
"What! Sara said she were proud of her past." Matthew put some distance between himself and his boyfriend.
Catherine smiled. "In fact, I am and I like a man who doesn't mince words."
"We're having quite a party now." Mark noticed the stares they were getting from the others in the room.
"Okay, so this is how we play it," Matthew pulled them into a conspiratorial huddle. "Catherine, you are Sara's possessive girlfriend. Mark is the sperm donor and father. I am the handsome but slightly jealous boyfriend. We could get a lot of mileage out of this, right?"
"And then next week when Grissom shows up and the rest of us don't?" Sara cocked her head.
"It establishes you as a complex and multi-layered mystery."
"Or as a woman who has no idea who the father is." Catherine winked at him.
"Those two were made for each other." Mark said to Sara who shook her head slowly in wonder.
Sara looked at her posse. "This is how we are going to play it. Matthew, you play the part of the neurotic gay man who lets his imagination run wild. Catherine, you play the part of the peace offering with control issues who plans to take over the role of father in this class. Mark, you play the part of the only person with any sense of reason. And I'll play the part of the panicked pregnant woman who marvels at how her life took this crazy turn."
"Sounds about right." Matthew said.
The instructor was waving her arms trying to get the attention of the room. Reluctantly, everyone took a place on the floor and several groans were palpable as she rolled the dreaded TV/VCR to the front of the room.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Grissom kept expecting Lucy's grandmother to storm into the courthouse yelling at the judge to arrest him for allowing Lucy to become part of the system. Every time the doors opened, he found himself swiveling his head to get a look at the person coming in. And each time, he breathed an audible sigh of relief when it wasn't Mrs. Phillips.
Lucy was a couple of rows up, seated with an emergency care worker. Despite the woman's best efforts, she couldn't keep Lucy contained. She stood up, jumped up and down, and made faces at the people seated behind her. Grissom caught her eye and she pointed. He half expected her to yell, 'Bunny!', and was relieved when she settled on a more generic squeal. It still caught the attention of the room, and Grissom blushed a little as he put his finger to his mouth and urged her silence. She tried to wriggle out of the woman's arms, but the worker held her tightly, and pulled out some animal crackers. The child grasped them and slid down into her chair.
The social worker was worn and grey. She wore a peach cotton pullover and khakis and looked more like she belonged behind the counter at a gas station than in a court room. She spoke with familiarity to the judge, and asked for nothing more than temporary foster care with a review in 90 days. It was granted quickly; the judge not even taking the time to ask questions or review the file. Grissom was stunned. Family court was a completely different animal than criminal court. No objections. No motions. Just five minutes of cooperation between the social worker and the judge with no family appearing and no lawyer on their behalf.
The court room was nearly empty during the proceedings and so the social worker immediately noticed Grissom standing in the aisle, waiting for her. "Ms. Revoy, can I have a moment?"
She raised her eyebrows. "You must be Dr. Grissom."
He nodded, slightly surprised at her familiarity. "I came to see Lucy. Wanted to make sure that she was being taken care of."
The woman snorted and stuffed her files into a worn, brown leather satchel. "I was expecting you."
The child wrestled away from the shelter worker and scrambled into the aisle. She slipped past the social worker and ran for Grissom. Before he could react, she was hanging onto his pant leg. "Bunny!"
He reached down and picked her up. She perched on his torso and grabbed for his beard. He shifted her to the other arm as a distraction and spoke to the worker. "Can we talk?"
"Down the street, there is a coffee house with a play room. Let's talk there." The woman gestured with her head and he followed.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
"She always seems to call me Bunny." He took a sip from a steaming cup of dark roast.
"She isn't yet differentiating you from other things in her life. You all have the same label. Developmentally, she should be past that stage. I have an early childhood specialist meeting with her next week. I think there is a good chance that she can catch up to her peers within the next 6 months."
He looked over her shoulder to the room beyond and caught a glimpse of the shelter worker pulling Lucy off a counter she had climbed. "How did you know I would be there, Mrs. Revoy?"
"Jim Brass gave me a heads up. We worked some abuse cases together some years back. Call me Mary." The woman was drinking a mocha with whipped cream on top, and it was all Grissom could do not to wince as she downed the sickeningly sweet coffee.
"Her grandmother asked me to keep her while she was detoxing. I didn't. I thought the least I could do was to make sure she didn't get lost in the system."
She threw back her head and laughed. "Taking care of Lucy until Martha gets out of treatment, huh?"
Grissom narrowed his eyes at her.
She shook her head. "I talked to Martha yesterday. They released her when she refused treatment. I expect she and a plastic bottle of vodka are curled up on her living room couch about now. You don't owe Martha anything."
"I was responsible…I knew her daughter. She died."
Mary Revoy got quiet. For a moment she focused on her mocha, stirring it aimlessly with her finger, "I know what happened. I knew Julianne for twenty years, Dr. Grissom."
He arched a brow. "You were her social worker?"
"Yes, and I was Daniel's and Collin's and Maggie's: all of them the children of Martha Phillips."
"You took them all away."
She nodded grimly. "Yes, at one point or another."
"You don't think she has learned." Grissom focused on her intently.
She chuckled mirthlessly. "No. I court ordered Martha to nine different parenting classes. She never made it past the first day in any of them. She missed court dates, visitations. Once she picked them up for visitation, got drunk, hauled them out to the desert for a party, and then left them in someone's farmhouse. It was two days before someone thought to call and tell me where they were. She didn't come back for nine weeks after that."
"Julianne's siblings: are they alive, okay? Can they step in?"
Mary sighed. "Collin is in the state pen for armed robbery. Maggie disappeared after she turned 17. No one has seen her or heard from her since. And Daniel is a heroin addict. Walks the strip, panhandling for change."
"Nobody cared about any of them." Grissom spoke softly as if discovering an unimaginable truth.
"You're wrong, Dr. Grissom. I cared about them. I went to parent conferences with Collin, and watched Maggie in all state choir. I watched Julianne change from an A student to a truant who was eventually expelled; dropping her off at school every day in the hopes that she might actually go to class. I went to all of their graduations, and I still get letters from Collin and phone calls from Daniel."
"It wasn't enough."
She sighed deeply. "I know."
"Mrs. Phillips mentioned a sister in Minnesota, Maura. She said Maura would come for the child."
Mary Revoy sputtered into her coffee. "Maura is doing no such thing. That woman is as bad as Martha."
Grissom cocked his head. "I heard she was responsible and her children are doing well."
"I think Martha neglected to tell you that not one of Maura's children will talk to her. The daughter has had numerous suicide attempts and has a restraining order against her own mother. I don't even want to know the details."
"So that's it then." Grissom shook his head in frustration.
She put the cup down, but didn't meet his eyes. "The system sucks, Dr. Grissom. Social services is better at protecting children than it is at raising them. Many foster homes are not equipped for the traumas that these children have endured. Case workers like myself only have minutes a week for each one of them because our case loads already exceed federal guidelines by two to three times the amount. Most of us start out caring, but after a few years, it becomes more about surviving the job. I am lucky, I guess. I didn't have my own kids. These babies become my kids. But it's a stacked deck, and a lot of them have been denied too many opportunities to have much of a chance at success."
Lucy had discovered wooden blocks and was tossing them across the room at the shelter worker. "What are you going to do with Lucy?"
Mary rubbed her chin for a moment. "I am not going to try to reunite this family. Even if Martha does dry out, which she won't, she still has poor parenting skills. I want to try for a TPR, termination of parental rights, as soon as possible. Then we can look at adoption. She is young enough to appeal to adoptive parents. A stable living environment is her best chance. She needs to know a home, and know that it will always be there. That's what I am going to do."
"She deserves the best home you can find."
Mary grinned out of one side of her mouth. "You want to give her one?"
"Me?" Grissom blinked. "No, I wouldn't be the right parent for this girl."
"I don't know. You seem thoughtful, patient. Plus Jim says you have a good heart."
"Oh, Mrs. Revoy, I mean, Mary, you have no idea. I work 60-70 hours a week, sometimes more. I am emotionally….separated from much in my life, and it doesn't seem likely that this will change any time soon. I would be the worst possible parent."
"Jim says that you are getting ready to be a parent. Says you have been working very hard on preparing yourself."
Grissom felt a twinge of annoyance. "Jim really had quite a talk with you, didn't he?"
She smiled. "He had to dance a little in order to convince me to let you see her."
He cocked his head at her. "I just want to keep in touch. I want to see her."
"She is going to have to put up with enough people wandering in and out of her life. I am not going to invite you to do that just so you can soothe your conscious about her mother's death."
Grissom was stunned. It had been years since he had felt scolded and he couldn't think of anything to say in his defense.
"If you merely want to know that she is being well taken care of; then do it through me. You won't have to see her. She can move on without wondering when Bunny is coming to visit." She took a sip, her eyes never leaving his.
"I don't know what to say."
"If this is about Julianne, then I absolve you. You can move on. You have to decide if there's something more happening here."
"Mrs. Revoy, I am pretty sure that you don't know me quite as well as you think you do." A sense of outrage grew within him.
"It doesn't matter. This is about Lucy. So you go home and decide what this is about for you."
Grissom sat back and regarded her. He was angry at her blunt reproach, but felt trapped by her reasoning.
"I don't mean to be impolite. You seem like a good man. And I appreciate your concern for Lucy. You just need to understand what that interest is all about it."
He nodded reluctantly.
She got up, clearing her cup and his. She dropped her card in front of him. "Call me when you know what you want."
He watched her pick Lucy up in the playroom. At first, the child struggled, but then settled on Mary's shoulder and began playing with her short, grey curls. The older woman laughed and worked to extricate the chubby fingers from her hair. Grissom felt a longing at the pit of his stomach that he had never before experienced.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
She saw Thomas coming down the hall, and she ducked into an office. She was immediately sorry as she landed in a storage room with no reason for being there. Thomas peeked his head around the door, and looked at her solemnly. "You were trying to avoid me."
She hung her head for a moment and then looked at him. "I guess I was."
He shrugged. "People do that to me sometimes."
Sara felt her face flush. "I'm sorry, Thomas. What can I do for you?"
"They never came for her."
Sara groaned. "Her mother was supposed to come for her last week."
"I called Sioux Falls. The mother won't come. Says the county should pay to bring her home. The county says the mother has custody and is responsible to come get the child. A deputy in the sheriff's office asked me if we could just load her in a box and send her. And I told him no. I told him that Hope was not old enough to travel alone, and then he got really very rude with me, and I was forced to hang up on him."
"Oh Thomas." Sara shook her head.
"Was I really wrong? We should ship that little girl in a box?" Agitated, Thomas folded his arms across his chest and set his mouth in a grim line.
"No, we shouldn't." She took a deep breath. "Thomas, I need you to let me handle this. I'll take care of everything."
His chin trembled a little.
She reached out and placed a hand on his arm. "I promise. Trust me."
He creased his brow for a moment, but finally nodded. He turned to leave.
"Thomas, do me a favor. Get her ready. I'll have this figured out by tomorrow."
She watched him go and again wondered about the intense young man. He was odd, but he didn't scare her. Yet there was something about him that triggered something in her gut; something she couldn't quite place.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
She pulled her jacket on, and wrapped the long striped scarf around her neck. San Francisco at night could be chilly especially near the bay. The lobby was almost empty, only a couple of seats taken, an evening receptionist slumped in a chair reading a magazine. "Goodnight," she said as she walked past. She heard the rattling of a newspaper, and turned to find a man in the lobby gathering up his things and trotting after her.
"Grissom?" Her eyes widened in surprise.
"Hey! I was waiting for you."
"What are you doing here?"
He stopped awkwardly before her. "I, um, just wanted to see you. I wanted to apologize again for missing the first class."
"So you got on a plane?"
He steered her toward the door. "You look tired. Let's go get something to eat. We can talk."
…………………………………………………………………………………………………..
She liked her Pad Thai sweet and spicy with a lime on the side to squeeze onto each bite. Grissom was eating a rather frightening looking Coconut Curry which emanated a smell that wrinkled her nose. They both shared a taste for the spring rolls and they passed back and forth the peanut dipping sauce.
She wondered if he noticed that she had finished unpacking. She wanted him to understand that she wasn't waiting around for him, ready to jump at the slightest opportunity. At the same time, she felt an excitement in her gut. Having him in her apartment felt good; different than the conflicted feelings she had the last time he was here. He regaled her with stories from the lab. She laughed at his descriptions of Greg and his battles with Sofia, and Nick and Warrick's competitiveness. Through the laughter, she felt a pang of loss for her friends, and she wondered if there really had been sufficient reason to leave them all without a proper good-bye.
Grissom cleared the take-out mess, insisting that she sit on the couch and relax. She listened as he tinkered in her kitchen, opening cupboards and searching for things. She curled up and rested her head on the back of the couch, feeling content for the first time in a very long time. The aroma of dark roast wafted into the room, and she hoped he would like the decaf she'd found at a local coffeehouse.
He came in, bearing two cups and she smiled. He settled in a chair across from her. He looked down at his watch and then lifted an eyebrow at her. "It's been 3 hours and 12 minutes, and not a cross word between us."
She chuckled. "I am enjoying it." She shifted a little and felt a kick in her abdomen. The baby had started this only last week, and, despite the discomfort, she loved every second of it. She ran her hand over her rounded abdomen in search of the source. Another one came and she let out a soft 'oomph'!
Grissom sat up and leaned forward. "Everything okay?"
"He's kicking," she smiled. She reached out to him. "Come here."
Grissom slid onto the couch next to her, and she took his hand, placing it firmly on her belly. He leaned over and waited quietly. At first there was no movement and he gave her a puzzled look. "Patience, Grissom." She whispered.
He settled back in, leaning over her abdomen and waited. The fetus did not disappoint. Within seconds, the hardest kick she had felt yet happened. She let out another involuntary noise. Grissom felt it. Still focused on her abdomen, she could sense the smile spreading across his face. He used both hands now, and his ear was all but resting on her skin. She breathed quietly as he waited for more movement. Luckily, the little guy was active, and he experienced several more tremors.
He was so close. She drank in his clean, musky smell. Tentatively and without much thought, she rested her warm hand on the back of his neck. She felt him react slightly, but then relax into her touch. She began to run her fingers through his curls and she thought she heard him sigh. They sat like this for a few more minutes until the baby had completed its dance on her abdominal walls.
He raised his head, and looked into her eyes. She smiled. He looked hesitant, but her hand had never left the back of his neck and she pulled him toward her. Kissing him seemed natural; different than something they had done only twice in eight years. He let her take the lead, and she found that it was hard to pace her passion. Hormones in pregnant women could be powerful. She wanted him in his entirety, and she wanted him now. He perched over her, kissing her softly on the lips, and then trailing his mouth down her neck and behind her ear. She tugged at his shirt, and burrowed under to his thick, warm chest. He stopped and smiled at her as her inquisitive hands explored his torso.
He pulled away from her and stood up. She looked up, her eyes searching his. "Do you want this, Sara?"
She nodded, reaching for him. He grabbed her hands and pulled her upright. "I don't think I have ever seen your bedroom."
He let her lead him down the hallway into her room. Coming up behind her, he lifted her shirt over her head, and then hugged her. Nibbling at the back of her neck, he spread his big hands over her middle and massaged her belly. One hand wandered up and cupped her swollen breasts. She held onto his arms, helping to guide him where she needed his touch. She turned around and pulled at the edges of his shirt. He helped her remove it. She reached for his pants, but he picked her up and slid her gently onto the bed, and climbed up beside her. He took his time, kissing her everywhere, taking special care to stroke and kiss her swollen abdomen. He reached his hand between her body and the mattress and was able to somehow unhook her bra. This time, he let her tug at his pants and manipulate the zipper. He helped her pull them off. She did the same favor for him with her own trousers.
He burrowed his face in behind her ear and whispered. "Sara, you are exquisitely beautiful. I don't think I ever fully believed that a woman like you could want me."
In response, she grabbed his face and brought her mouth to his. He had little control at this point, but when he entered her, it was sweet and slow. He took his time, whispering to her, and kissing her neck and jaw as they came together.
And then they lay together, smelling of sweat and sex. He wanted to talk, he had so much to tell her, but there was an exhaustion between them born of two people who had finally let go of years of pent-up passion. He hugged her tightly from behind and was soon softly snoring into her neck.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
She woke first. His arm still held her protectively. She ran her fingers lightly up and down his forearm. It was a moment she had always dreamed of; laying in his arms, secure and happy. The sex she knew they could do well, this other part she was never that sure of. Her bladder was full; the providence of a pregnant women. She was reluctant to move though because a sleeping Grissom was much less dangerous than a morning after Grissom. She lifted his arm gently and slid off the bed. He stirred but his eyes stayed closed and she breathed a sigh of relief. Not even stopping for a robe, she snuck into the bathroom and closed the door softly. When she finished, she opened the door slowly, prepared to slide back under his arm, but when she walked in, a sleepy eyed Grissom was sitting up in the bed. A lazy smile grew on his face as she stood there. Her face flushed as she realized that she was buck naked. It was one thing to be naked in bed with a man, but she found she was embarrassed to be standing there in her full glory.
"Turn to the side, Sara. I want to see you from that angle."
She started to protest, but she found that she too was curious about her new profile. She turned sideways between him and her dresser mirror. A chill ran through her as she saw the tremendous changes in her body which had begun to take hold. Behind her reflection, she could see him eyeing her closely. She turned and gave him a nervous smile. He beckoned to her and she crawled back onto the bed.
"You're breathtaking as a pregnant woman, Sara."
She lay on her back and he stretched out on his side beside her. He began to gently caress her abdomen and she relaxed. Grissom showed no signs of pulling away.
"I've dreamed of lying beside you like this. It feels nothing short of a miracle."
She closed her eyes and drank in his words. This is what she had always hoped she deserved.
He took a deep breath. "I want to talk to you about something."
She turned her head and looked into his eyes. "Grissom, this was going so well. Let's not ruin it with actual conversation."
He smirked. "Sara, this is serious."
"Me too." She rolled her eyes.
"I want to talk to you about Lucy Bell Phillips."
Sara blinked. "Julianne's child?"
"She's three years old. Very pretty little girl."
She rolled onto her side so she could give him her full attention. "What? Tell me. Is she okay?"
He worried his lower lip. "She's in the custody of the state. The social worker is planning to terminate parental rights."
Sara sighed. "Oh. So Grandma isn't going to be an option?"
He shook his head.
"Other family?"
"No."
"So she's going to be a foster care kid." Sara reached over and caressed his arm in sympathy.
"Social worker is going to look for an adoptive family."
She smiled. "Good. She's young. There are a lot of great families out there looking for kids. It's going to turn out just fine." She squeezed his arm.
Grissom gathered up all his courage. "I think I want her."
Sara's eyes widened. "I don't understand."
"I want her to be part of this family."
Her hand dropped away from his arm, and she sat up, pulling the sheet up with her. "Grissom, what are you doing?"
He shook his head. "Really, Sara, I don't know. I think about her constantly. She's sweet and I think we could raise her well."
Holding the sheet tightly across her chest, she gestured wildly with the other. "We don't even know if we can raise the one we created."
"Sara—"
Her voice rose. "We just spent 12 good hours together, the only good 12 hours outside of work that we have had in 8 years, and suddenly you want to adopt children."
"I'm sorry. This is not the right time." Grissom tried as best he could to unwind the clock.
"There isn't going to be a right time, Grissom. I can't believe this. You were supposed to be focused on this." She grabbed her abdomen. "But you couldn't do that. We couldn't keep you interested. Instead, you are already onto your next project."
"Sara." He reached for her but she pulled away. Sliding off the bed with the sheet wrapped around her, she grabbed her clothes and disappeared into the bathroom, the door slamming behind her.
Grissom got out of bed, and threw on his own clothing. He went to the door and knocked. "I didn't mean for this to happen. There's room for her and you and our baby in my heart."
"Go away!" sounded the door.
He winced and tried once more. "Sara, if you tell me that I can't adopt Lucy Bell, I won't."
There was silence and the door opened slowly. Her eyes were already red and swollen. "Grissom, I would never tell you who can be in your life. Never. I can't make this decision for you. If you want this child so much, then go for it. She deserves someone to love her."
"I want you and our baby. That's what I want." He was careful to let her have her physical space.
She rubbed at her face. "Why can't anything be simple between us? Grissom, you have to understand. Right now, I am doing the best I can to overcome my own childhood. I am finally in a place where I can begin to picture myself as a mother and you as a father and maybe even something more between us. And then you go and get creative on me. Do you understand how this is not helpful?"
"I'm sorry."
She looked into his face and softened. "I know you are." She threw her hands up. "God, what is wrong with us?"
He shook his head. "If I knew, I would do everything in my power to fix it, I truly would."
She put her hand up. "Okay. No more fighting. Let's just have a nice breakfast, and I can drop you off at the airport."
"I should stay."
She shook her head slowly. "No. We can't solve this right now. We both need time to think."
He closed his eyes. "I didn't want it to be like this. Being with you is very important to me."
Her eyes watered, and she moved forward. Then she was hugging him and he was hugging her back tightly. For a moment, he rocked them back and forth, doing everything in his power to keep her in his arms. Eventually, she had to be the one to pull away. She smiled at him sadly and then left him standing alone in her tiny bathroom.
…………………………………………………………………………………………
TBC