Disclaimer: The character, Baron Humbert von Jikkingen, does not belong to me. He is the property of Studio Ghibli. However, this monologue is my idea. It is used for entertainment purposes only. However, if those crazy enough want to perform or use it for an audition must email me and ask for permission.
Baron enters from stage left in full attire and carries a stool with him. The stage is dark except for a spotlight pointing at the centre of the stage. Baron places stool down in the spotlight and sits on it. Most of the speech is done in a rant.
Baron: throws hands in air I quit! That's it! I, Baron Humbert von Jikkingen, points to self
am through! I can't stand it anymore! I'm done with the Bureau! Mouta can take over! I frankly
don't care anymore! I'm sick and tired of helping everybody who needs it! Nobody helps me!
Nobody helped me! I don't even get a damn thank-you from those I've helped! As well, I'm sick
and tired of Mouta and Toto always fighting! I've had to listen to those dimwits calling each other
the same insult for years! I've tried to ignore them and tried to stop them from fighting! I'm also
sick and tired of being nice! counts off with fingers I'm always polite, understanding,
encouraging, patient, etc... and it's KILLING ME! Another thing that kills me is that I'm always
cooking because Mouta shakes fist (paw) in the air is eating everything in site! Toto is right!
He IS an oversized marshmallow! I should have quit years ago! What really gets me that nobody
compliments me on my light shows at dusk anymore! I receive no attention anymore! Suddenly
stands up Well, I never did receive any attention to begin with! takes off hat, throws it on the
ground and jumps on it As well, I'm banned from the cat kingdom due to the Haru incident!
She really has been a pain in my résume! AND NOW, she comes back and plays with Mouta!
Shakes fist in the air, again She doesn't even talk to me! snaps cane over knee I'm sick
and tired of it all! Like I said previously, I QUIT! Done! Ka-put! I should be more like Mouta!
He's fat, a grouch, doesn't care about people, and hates birds! He's my fricken idol! takes out
an angel fruit cake and starts eating it There! I'm not going back to the Cat Bureau! Screw
them all! I'm gonna be the next Mouta and hate everything that pisses my off! I won't say my
stupid 'Believe in Yourself Where Ever You Are and Everything blah, blah, blah...' speech ever
again! Takes out another cake and starts eating it Calmly You know, these cakes are
good! No wonder why Mouta loves them! Back to Rant Anyways, I'm putting Mouta in
charge of the Cat Bureau and I don't care what he does to it! I'm sick and tired of everything! I
quit being the good guy! Next time when this cat points to self returns you better watch out!
winks to audience and exits Stage left