Things You'll Never See On Beast Wars, But Maybe After It (based on the thread in Beast Wars Stuff)

Note: Every post is a short story independent of all the rest of the posts. By the time I got done replacing my French teacher with Waspy, foreign language became one mutilated class.

Sometime after the Beast Wars …

"Waspinator teach fleshy-bots language. Waspinator pleased." If Waspinator could smile, he would have done so as he strolled into a large lecture hall filled with human students. On the board behind the wasp, his name was written in large letters in both English and Cybertronian. The class before him consisted mostly of women, with a few males dotting the room every once in a while.

"Fleshy-bots?" One puzzled student asked in Cybertronian and then repeated in English.

"Waspinator teach fleshy-bots, Waspinator not?"

"Guess so." The student replied.

"Good. Fleshy-bots turn to page 10. Waspinator read from book. Fleshy-bots repeat Waspinator sayz." The Predacon removed a large textbook from an overhead projector and opened it. Then, without regard for the names in the book, he began to read the skit. "Car-bot sayz 'hello'."

'Professor?" One redheaded student raised her hand.

"Yez, red-bot?" Waspinator looked up at the girl, who tried unsuccessfully to hide her irritation at being referred to as red-bot.

"Sir, the book actually says 'WhirlWheel: Hello'." The girl pointed out.

"Book reads car-bot. Waspinator language expert. Repeat after Waspinator."

"Car-bot sayz 'hello'." When the students made their best efforts to mimic Waspinator's buzz despite the difficulties of their various accents, the Predacon professor beamed.

"Good. Waspinator test fleshy-bots. Fleshy-bots ready for test?"

"Yes, sir." One dark-haired student nodded. The young man beside the speaker, who was catching on to Waspinator's speech patterns and rules, nudged his friend and whispered into his ear without the Predacon noticing. The dark-haired boy rushed to add. "Fleshy-bots ready."

Upon hearing the words, Waspinator transformed into beast mode and handed out tests to the class. Then, after the last human finished his test, Waspinator collected the papers, graded them, and handed them back to the class. When several students screamed and scrambled for the door, the green, yellow, and black Predacon calmed them down with a few English words. "Waspinator harmless; waspinator not sting."

"Neat-O! I got a perfect! I'm really beginning to like Professor Waspinator." Exclaimed a student in one of the back rows.

"Me too!" The person in front of the speaker turned and gave his classmate a high five.

"Waspinator terrorize." The huge wasp transformed and then crossed his arms at his chest as a gesture of contentment. "Fleshy-bots like Waspinator? Waspinator happy."

"Like ya? You're great!" Grinned a short, chubby girl in the middle of the room. She then stood up, leaning on her hands for support. "That A just made my day!"

"Made your day? That just saved my GPA!" The black-haired, young man gave an elated shout. "I'm totally ecstatic!"

"Fleshy-bots happy, Waspinator happy."

"Then cheers to Professor Waspy!" Shouted a blonde girl with shoulder-length hair as she jumped onto her seat and raised her fist high into the air and the entire class soon followed suit.

On Cybertron

"Yer brother's an ambassador and he needs to buy a translator from me? Now I've seen everything!" Rattrap exclaimed as he searched his multi-level shopping center for universal translators.

"Yeah, I thought Big Brother was acting strange, too. He offered me rare energon beads for coming to Earth with finger-sized translator since he cannot leave or turn up in a shop like yours without stirring up trouble on our behalf." Replied the young femme before Rattrap. She was in her beast mode and the ornamental energon that decorated every fiber of her fur spoke of how much energon beads meant to her.

"Dat's weird. Don't they all speak Cybertronian and English?" Rattrap asked.

"Yes, but usually as their second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth, sixth, or seventh languages. He says everybody who's not a native speaker of English drives him nuts with what he calls 'grammar and pronunciation that take stellarcycles to pick apart'."

"Ya got me interested there."

"He also said that every human spoke in third person whenever they spoke our language. Big Brother complained about a whole lot of other things on the subject, but they're too many for me to remember. He says it all started when the humans hired some valuable, language expert from our planet to teach lots of language classes on Earth. My brother nicknamed this guy 'Professor Embuzile'."

"Sounds familiar." Rattrap half snorted as he handed the smallest translator he could find to the femme, who carefully took it with a front paw.

"Yeah, I thought so too. He kinda reminded me of our parents' war stories when Big Brother described this guy. Says the name's Waspi-something." The femme shrugged as she produced some energon credits from her paw.

"Holy Primus!" Rattrap swore. "Waspinator's teaching foreign language classes? No wonder everythin' about these humans' gone haywire!"

"You know something about this 'Waspinator' person, War Hero Rattrap?" The femme was on the brink of strolling out of the building when the question hit her.

"Yeah. Pred bug. Called him buzz brain most of time. Ya should ask yer parents, kid; they probably know more 'bout him than all the other Maximals on dis planet and yer the only one they won't kill if ya mention something like that."

"Thanks, Rattrap!" The femme beamed before darting out of the building, leaving Rattrap in a laughing fit.

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I hope that worked, since humor's really not my thing compared to angst and action, especially action.