Chapter 16

Niles sat on the couch, trying to process what Daphne had just told him. He didn't know what to think. His first instinct was to deny it - no, he wasn't fixated on an unhealthy image of her.

"I don't think that's true. I think I've got a very realistic picture of you, Daphne."

Daphne had been nervous the whole time she was speaking, as if worried how Niles would react. When he spoke, she audibly exhaled, frustrated that Niles didn't seem to get it.

"Niles, you think I'm some perfect goddess. How is that not unrealistic?"
"Well, maybe I embellish a little, but can you blame me?" He tried to smile, but it ended up feeling forced.
"No, I'm not trying to blame you. But, it is a difficult thing to try and live up to. Gloria says-"
"I don't know if I want to hear what Gloria says." Niles realized he snapped. "I'm sorry. I guess I'm a little hurt."

Daphne looked down at her hands, which were folded in her lap. She started playing with the hem of her shirt as she spoke, as if trying to give herself something else to focus on.

"I didn't mean to hurt you, Niles. But, I have noticed that you seem to see a version of me that I don't think is there."
"But I..." Niles trailed off as he looked at Daphne.

This seemed to be something that really bothered her. Niles wondered what exactly Daphne had told Gloria, for them to decide that Niles was living in some fantasy. But was there any truth to it? Why would he want to, when he had Daphne - the real Daphne?

"Why would I do that?"
"Because what if I'm not who you think I am?"
"What do you mean? You're exactly who I think you are."

Daphne could see that Niles didn't get it. She wondered how she could explain it better.

"And who do you think I am?"

Niles thought about it. The same feeling from earlier, like there was a fight brewing underneath her words, returned. Niles knew who Daphne was to him, but he felt that wasn't the answer she wanted. He tentatively started to answer, trying to avoid any further discord.

"You're Daphne. You're smart, beautiful. Warm, friendly, you have a great sense of humor. Passionate..." He decided to try being a little bolder. "Sometimes you're a bit... eccentric. Moody. Stubborn. But overall you're a wonderful person. I wonder every day why you chose me. I'm nowhere near good enough for you."

This didn't seem to be the right answer, as Daphne still seemed upset.

"You think you're not good enough for me? I'm not good enough for you!" Daphne looked back up at Niles, and he could see she was holding back tears. "I'm not rich or well connected, like Maris. I'm not into opera or wine, like Mel. I know you don't like the things I like, and I know you were disappointed that I don't like what you like."

Niles sighed. He thought he was starting to see what exactly was worrying Daphne.

"Have you ever considered I love you because you're not Maris or Mel, not in spite of that?"

She shook her head slowly. Niles continued, trying to explain.

"With Maris, I had to constantly be aware of who I was with, and act accordingly. It was demanding. She was demanding. Maris comes from old money, she's a part of the aristocratic elite. I used to think that's what I wanted. But so much of that life is pretense. To prove I belonged... A lot of who I was as a person was pushed to the side. With Mel, there was less pressure, but she still expected it to a certain level. She is very concerned about appearances. It was tiring."

Niles fished a clean handkerchief out of his pocket and offered it to Daphne. She took it, and dabbed at her eyes as he continued speaking.

"With you, Daphne, I feel like I can be more of my genuine self. Yes, that is still someone who likes wine and opera, and a lot of the finer things, but I don't feel like I'm pretending around you. I don't have that pressure."
"Because you don't care what I think? Because I'm not important enough to know the difference?"

That stung. And was completely untrue. Niles was frustrated at the fight Daphne seemed to want to have. That he wanted to avoid.

"No, that's not what I meant. You are important. And you are probably as aware of the pressures of societal classes as I am."

She nodded.

"It's very prevalent in England. You do know I'm working class, right? Unlike you."
"Yes, but I don't care. I don't care about any of that, not when I'm with you."

Daphne fidgeted with the handkerchief Niles had given her, turning things over in her head. She felt Niles was being genuine. But it still didn't erase the feeling that he still had some sort of ideal about her. Some sort of preconceived notion. In everything he'd said about her, it still seemed like she could do no wrong. That she had no faults. The closest he'd gotten was calling her eccentric, moody and stubborn. And even those were quickly brushed over with proclamations of how wonderful she was.

"I'm glad you feel like you can be yourself around me, Niles." He smiled at her, clearly pleased the conversation seemed to be going in a better direction, before she continued. "But, I- I feel like I've got to live up to your standards, and I don't know if I can."
"What standards?"
"That I'm some unobtainable goddess who couldn't do wrong. That now you're with me you don't think you're worthy of me."
"You said you didn't think you were worthy of me either."
"But at least that's grounded in reality. You are-"
"And you're saying my anxieties aren't grounded in reality?" Niles felt himself getting heated. "I've never been good enough for anyone, really. Least of all you."

Something about how Niles said that hurt Daphne. Knowing he didn't feel like he was good enough for her. Or for anyone. Daphne had felt like that before, but always managed to work past it, citing general anxieties and the fact she'd been surrounded by people more successful and educated than herself for years. But Niles... He deserved to feel like he was enough. That he was good enough.

"Niles, that's not true. You're good enough for anyone. You've always seemed so confident around other people I don't-"

He waved his hands, properly agitated now.

"All an act. I literally said that not five minutes ago-"
"But you're always so- so pretentious and full of yourself, like everyone is beneath you!" The words slipped out before Daphne could stop them.

Niles looked like he'd been slapped. He stuttered for a second, trying to find some way to respond.

"I-well-it- of course I seem that way. It's more socially accepted than the 'woe is me, I'm nothing but a huge disappointment to everyone' version of Niles! A disappointment to everyone - even you, apparently!" Niles stood up and stormed off to the kitchen.

Daphne realized she'd hit a nerve. She didn't know why she never recognized that Niles would have those kind of insecurities. She'd seen him have panic attacks, get anxious, fall into depressive moods over all sorts of things. Of course it would extend beyond how he thought people perceived him to how he saw himself.

Fuck me. I've really messed this up.

She rose, and walked over to the kitchen. She opened the door and looked through quietly. Niles was washing dishes, his back to her. His shoulders were stiff, and the way he was flicking the dishcloth over the dirty pans from dinner showed he was truly hurt. Daphne hovered in the doorway, upset and guilty at what she had said.

"Niles?"

He ignored her, a slight tensioning of his shoulders the only indication that he heard her.

"Niles, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."

He stopped washing and looked up at the ceiling, sighing.

"It's all right, Daphne. It's nothing I haven't heard before."
"I guess that's why I didn't realize it would hurt you so much. I mean, I've even heard your brother and father joke and reprimand you about it before, and you've never-"
"It's different hearing it from you." He returned to cleaning.

Daphne walked over and picked up a dish towel. She stood next to him and silently started drying. They stood there for a few minutes, not speaking as they cleaned. Niles was taking his anxieties and anger out on the dishes, meticulously washing every inch of the plate before handing it to Daphne. Not usually so methodical, Daphne followed suit and took her time as well, making sure every part of the dish had been thoroughly dried before putting it down. It was time consuming, but it seemed to be helping calm Niles.

"I... don't know what you want me to say, Daphne." She looked over at him. He wasn't crying, but his voice was weighed down with emotion as he spoke. "I love you. So much. I know where you're coming from, but I don't know how to prove to you that I understand. That I do see you."
"Don't forgive me, then. What I said was out of line and hurtful."
"I can't help it. I care about you too much."
"You can still be angry at someone and still love them."

Niles knew what she was saying was true. He'd said similar things to his patients over the years. Maris always made him feel like anything that he did that displeased or upset her was a great failing on his part. That he needed to make amends immediately and apologize, regardless of how he felt, or who was actually at fault. And if he ever dared to be upset at her, Niles was the one who was treated like he was in the wrong. He always needed to be the one to make things right.

As he passed Daphne the next dish, Niles tried to think what he could say to make things right.

"Why does it worry you that I think you're perf- wonderful?"

Daphne slowly wiped the pan she was holding as she thought. Something about how she had matched Niles methodical pace made him feel a bit less stressed.

"I'm worried you'll wake up one day and realize that I'm not who you thought I was. That this won't work out."
"I worry about that too. I mean, that you'll wake up and wonder why you're with me." Niles tried to give a self deprecating laugh, but it sounded hollow. "To be honest, I never thought I'd be with you at all. Up until our conversation before your wedding... I thought you'd never even considered me as anything other than a friend. So, I guess I might be trying a bit too hard to make sure I don't ruin what we have."

Daphne nodded.

"I feel the same. I'm worried I can't be myself, in case that ruins things."
"I don't want you to do that, Daphne. You can be yourself. I mean, I've seen you at your best. And your worst."
"What would be my worst?"
"Well..." Niles paused, unsure if this was a safe route. "You've seen me at my worst too. Well, maybe not my worst. But close."

Daphne thought about the panic attacks, the anxiety that racked Niles whenever things went sideways. She wondered what his worst was before noticing Niles had deflected her question.

"You didn't answer. What was me at my worst?"
"Well... I would say throwing the laundry of Frasier's balcony and causing that accident would be near the top of that list."
"You didn't see that. Only heard about it." Daphne still felt guilty about that, and would agree that was her at her worst, but wanted to hear more from Niles. She prodded a little more. "What else?"

Niles sighed, putting the dishcloth down and emptying the sink. He picked up a towel and started drying his hands, taking a similar level of care and attention as he did with the dishwashing as he spoke.

"Daphne, I don't know if this will be helpful."
"Well, I think it will be." She had finished drying and put down the dish. She turned to Niles, feeling her earlier frustration return with how he kept skirting around the topic. "I want you to admit it."
"Admit what?"
"That I'm not perfect. That I'm not flawless."
"That's crazy. I-"
"All you ever do is tell me how wonderful I am. I want to know that you see the less wonderful parts too."

Niles chuckled incredulously, feeling his annoyance and anxiety rise again. He could never point out Maris' faults. The tiniest criticism would send her into a week long downward spiral that pulled everyone else in the vicinity down with her. It was never worth it and achieved nothing. Mel wasn't much better. She would pick you apart - take you to pieces and tell you how you could put yourself back together better - but woe-be-he that attempted the same to her.

Ignoring Daphne's less flattering traits wasn't intentional. Niles just was conditioned to ignore them. After years of relationships where acknowledging any negative or flaw was a minefield, he glossed over them, pretended that they weren't there. He noticed them as much as one would notice blinking, or breathing. It was a completely unconscious action.

Now, with Daphne in front of him, demanding an answer, a criticism, Niles realized he never appreciated just how many times in a minute he actually did blink.

"You're being pushy." He turned and walked back out to the living room. Daphne followed.
"Well, I just want-"
"No. You wanted a criticism, you got one. You're pushy."

Daphne stopped in her tracks as he glared at her.

"Okay."
"Okay." Niles sat down, looking agitated and defeated.

Daphne felt another wave of guilt over making Niles upset.

"I'm sorry, Niles. I'll stop. I don't want to-"
"And you snore." He wasn't sure where that one came from. From the look on Daphne's face, she didn't seem to either.

"I don't snore." She argued, not believing him.
"Yes, you do. I heard you last night. And you drool a little in your sleep."

Daphne seemed insulted at the accusation.

"Well, I'm sorry I kept you awake with my snoring and drooling and-"
"Oh, don't give me that. You wanted this! You're pushy, stubborn, opinionated, judgmental-"
"And you're not?"
"We're still talking about your faults!" Niles stood up, not knowing what had come over him. The frustrations of the past few months, possibly the last eight years, just spilled out of him. "You keep butting in! You're nosy! You, you-" He fumbled for another insult, leaving himself open to Daphne to jump in.

"Oh, big talk coming from you! You're pretentious, snobbish, elitist-"
"It wouldn't hurt you to be a bit more like that! Tu es inculte! Peu raffiné!"
"Don't you use French on me, you pompous-"
"Oh, don't you dare-"

They stopped, panting heavily as they stared each other down. Niles hadn't let his anger go like that for years, not since the night he first separated from Maris. He suddenly paled, worried that this might end similarly.

"I'm sorry, Daphne. I didn't mean anything I said. I was just-"
"No, don't apologize. I pushed. And you did mean it. I meant the stuff I said too."
"Oh, this was a bad idea. I don't think I've ever spoken to anyone like that before. And to you... I feel awful."
"Niles, I'm sorry. I've... ruined everything, didn't I?" She turned to the side, suddenly ashamed at the way things had progressed.

Niles looked at her. He saw the real Daphne. Unsure, vulnerable, inadequate. Overly pushy and opinionated, always prying into his business. Patient, loving, kind. His best friend. Niles realized at that moment that Daphne didn't want to lose him as much as he didn't want to lose her. The revelation was a shock. Niles had considered up until this point that he was the only one who felt that way. That Daphne was just trying the relationship on, to see how it would fit. To know that she was as invested, as scared as he was...

Fuck, I'm such an idiot. How could I not see that. How could I be so blind.

Niles moved towards Daphne, pulling her into his arms to comfort her. She let him, leaning into his embrace. Daphne buried her head against his shoulder, her voice slightly muffled as she spoke.

"I love you. I know I called you snobbish and elitist. You are, but you've never made me feel less than. You're so kind and caring. It's not all you are."
"I know."
"It just makes me worry that we don't have anything in common. Nothing that will keep us together, except unrealistic expectations. I don't want to fall for you more than I already have, only to have you realize one day that I'm not the right sort of person for you. Not who you thought I was."
"I worry the same thing. That you'll realize I'm not enough."
"Do you think this will work out?"

Niles pulled back, and looked at her as he spoke, knowing now what she wanted to hear. What she needed to hear.

"Daphne... You frustrate me. You drive me crazy. Sometimes, I don't even know how you come up with some of the, quite frankly, bizarre things you say or do. I'll never understand how you find those... hideous gnome things in your bedroom cute, or why you like to watch those sensationalist summertime blockbusters, instead of appreciating the opera or Roman architecture. Sometimes, I wonder what we even would have in common, or what we could possibly talk about."

He brushed her hair out of her face.

"But then, we always find something to talk about. We have conversations that span hours. We have spent many an afternoon together, just talking, or cooking, or walking Eddie. Or watching a movie, even if it's not quite to either of our tastes, content with a happy middle ground. We joke together. We've cried together. We've done that for years. We'll still do that, for many more. Those are some of the best moments of my life."

Niles wiped away the tears that had formed at the corners of her eyes.

"I meant the things I said in anger tonight, but none of that is a true reflection of you. It's just a part of you. You, the person who has been my friend, my best friend, through the hardest parts of my life. The person who has always supported me, encouraged me, even pushed me to be a better version of myself. The person I fell in love with. The person I love more every day."

Niles smiled at the next words he said, as only moments ago she had admonished him for speaking in French.

"Je t'aime, mon amour. Mon seul amour."

Daphne moved forward to kiss Niles, but he had beaten her to it.