This is the night!

On Sunday, they all congregated at Monica's apartment. Monica's and Chandler's – although they still hadn't found a way to tell Ross that. They had stuck with the idea of not telling Emily either. It seemed that every time she seemed better, she would suddenly get sick again.

'So,' Rachel said, as she perched on the edge of a kitchen chair, 'Are you going to tell him tonight?' She had gone early to help out, although most of that help was just encouragement. Although she had laid the table, she could see that Monica had already glanced at it with a vague look of dissatisfaction. Tonight was not the night for Rachel to be miffed about Monica's fussiness and she looked instead for an answer.

'I'll have to,' Monica said.

'We both will,' Chandler said, coming into the kitchen area and putting his arms around Monica's waist.

'Get out of here,' she said absently. Chandler obeyed and took a seat next to Rachel.

'I mean, how bad can it be?' Chandler said. Monica and Rachel just looked at him. How short was Chandler's memory? Even Rachel in her deepest infatuation had had to recognise Ross's capacity for unreasonable behaviour, and all of them had seem him in action. 'Look,' Chandler said, spreading out his hands. 'We're dating. We went on holiday together – alone.' Rachel looked blank. She still remembered the cover story – nobody saw anyone else on that trip to Florida. 'It's hardly new. I spent practically all my time over here anyway.'

'Yeah, I know,' Rachel said involuntarily. Chandler gave her a dirty look and then went on as though she hadn't spoken.

'So he can't be surprised.'

'He won't be surprised, but he might still make a big deal out of it,' Monica said.

'But why?' Chandler said. 'After all this time?'

'You know better than to ask that,' Monica said, 'Because he's Ross, because he gets an idea, because he's not used to something. He doesn't like change much.' She shuddered.

'Look, he's not going to be like that. Emily will be here. He doesn't behave so badly when she's around,' Rachel said.

'What if she's sick?' Monica asked. 'He'd probably be worse than usual if she's at home in bed.'

'Would he even be here?' Chandler asked.

'That's true,' Monica said, 'But Emily might tell him to come anyway and not worry about her.'

'Then maybe you can take your cue from Emily. She doesn't take it from Ross and she's only known him just over a year. You've known him all your life. If she can do it, so can you,' Rachel said.

'She's got a better right hook,' Chandler said.

'I could have a good right hook if I wanted,' Monica said. 'I just haven't tried.'

'Of course, and better than Emily, but she's used it on Ross and you haven't.' They paused to remember why she'd done it, but luckily that had all turned out all right.

'Yeah,' Monica said, 'Well I guess they've been through a few things together which makes it easy for them to communicate.'

The doorbell rang and Ross had arrived with Emily. The others breathed a sigh of relief. She was looking well and cheerful, and denied that she was feeling the slightest bit queasy.

'I'm over it,' she announced.

'She was worrying me,' Ross said. 'I wouldn't have let her come out but I thought she'd be safe here.' Rachel looked crestfallen. Ross responded to a nudge from Emily. 'Hey what?'

'He means from muggers in the street. That's what's he's got to keep me safe from, not because I'm not well because I'm feeling a lot better,' Emily said, like prompter for a bad actor.

'What?' Ross said, 'Oh yeah, muggers. Terrible anywhere, but round here, not a problem.' Suddenly Joey and Phoebe burst in.

'Oh man,' Joey said, collapsing on the sofa. 'I nearly got mugged.' Everyone crowded round him asking if he was okay. He waved an arm in Phoebe's direction. 'I'm okay. Phoebe saved me. I never knew you had moves like that.'

'I've got all kinds of moves and I've used all of them at least once,' Phoebe said proudly. 'but I knew that guy.'

'Huh?' Joey asked.

'Yeah. He's terrified of Chinese burns, that's why I yelled Banzai.'

'That's not Chinese,' Chandler said.

'I know,' Joey said, 'It's a Japanese plant.'

'That's Bonsai,' Emily said.

'Doesn't matter,' Phoebe said, 'It made him run.'

'That's the main thing,' Monica said. 'Come on everybody, wash your hands, dinner will be served.'

Dinner began cautiously with aimless conversation, as Monica and Chandler worked their way around to introducing the topic of her new flatmate.

'It's a bit of a challenge living alone,' Monica said. 'what with rent, electricity, and…'

'Telephone,' Rachel said.

'Telephone,' Monica said gratefully.

'I can't figure out why you left,' Ross said to Rachel. 'You two didn't have a secret fight that I don't know about?' He looked puzzled. The way the two of them were acting didn't suggest that they were in the middle of any kind of conflict.

'No,' Rachel and Monica said at once.

'Maybe you better get another flatmate,' Ross said to Monica. His eyes slid over to Phoebe who started playing with her food.

'Ah yeah,' Monica said, just as Emily stood up.

'I'm sorry – ' Emily made a dash for the bathroom. Ross forgot the conversation and rushed after her.

'Now what?' Monica asked Chandler, as Rachel got up to find out what was going on with Emily. Ross returned alone, shaking his head.

'She said she was fine. She said she was okay. Then suddenly she's sick. She's been like this all week. She's got to see a doctor tomorrow no matter what she says. Something's got to be wrong with her.'

'Is she okay?' Phoebe said. 'Do you want to take her home?' Monica and Chandler shook their heads at this but Ross said glumly,

'No. She says she'll be fine. What were you going to say?' He looked at Monica.

Rachel waited outside the bathroom door, and when she was sure there were no sounds, she knocked on the door.

'Are you okay Emily?'

'I'll be all right,' Emily said from inside. Rachel hovered. That Emily was sick was her fault and she just couldn't go away and eat her dinner, a safe dinner cooked by someone who knew what she was doing, as though this had nothing to do with her. She pushed open the door and found Emily sitting on the edge of the bathtub looking a ghastly shade of white.

'Oh Emily,' Rachel said, 'I'm so sorry.'

'Rachel,' Emily began, but Rachel was in no mood to stop. 'I should have asked Monica to teach me how to cook when she was helping you to learn. Stupid, I said I didn't need to learn. There's so many take outs in New York, who needed to learn how to cook?'

'Rachel,' Emily tried again.

'No, I thought I could work it out for myself, I mean sure, I didn't think I could be like an expert or anything, but all kinds of people can cook, it couldn't really be that hard, and look what I did, I poisoned you.'

'Rachel, don't,' Emily said.

'No, you're just being kind, it's all my fault. You've been ill for a week and something could be seriously wrong. You could even sue me, if I had any money.'

'I really don't think this is your fault.'

'Oh come on Emily, that was a terrible meal I made, and you were so nice, pretending you liked it.'

'I didn't pretend,' Emily said.

'All right,' Rachel said, 'But admit it, it wasn't that good. I was so touched you asked for more, you didn't have to you know – not that I'm blaming you, because it's all my fault.'

'Rachel, I think that a week is a bit long for food poisoning,' Emily said.

'It's just a very bad case,' Rachel said.

'No, I mean I don't think this has anything to do with you,' Emily said, with more emphasis.

'What do you mean?'

'I - I can't really say,' Emily said. 'It just isn't you, that's all. It's not your fault.'

'No, no. come on, I can take it, really,' Rachel said.

'I can't tell you before I tell Ross and really I should – ' Suddenly Rachel caught on. She gave a loud squeal.

'Emily!'

In the dining room, a few minutes before, things had become frosty.

'You did this, without telling me?' Ross said. Monica looked at Chandler. He looked back at her. They both looked in the direction of the bathroom. What a time for Emily to have to leave the table. 'How could you not tell me?'

'We just didn't get around to it,' Chandler said.

'No, we didn't.'

'You're living together!' Ross exclaimed.

'What's the big deal Ross?' Monica said, trying to be brave, 'We're already dating, you know that.'

'But – but this is living together,' Ross said.

'So how is that different?' Joey asked, trying to be the voice of reason.

'Shut up!' Ross snapped. 'You two have been sneaking around behind my back. Is it too much to ask whether you've considered marrying my sister?' Ross asked Chandler coldly.

'Ross!' Monica exclaimed mortified. Just then, Rachel's scream came through.

'Emily!' Ross exclaimed, 'Call a doctor, something's wrong!' He ran for the bathroom and everyone else followed.

In the bathroom they found a pale Emily sitting on the edge of the bath with Rachel hopping from one foot to the other, looking excited.

'What's going on?' Ross demanded. Rachel said,

'This is so exciting! You two need to be alone.' She pushed Ross into the room and said to everyone else. 'Give them privacy guys.'

'Hey what?' Joey asked as Rachel shooed them out.

'Is Emily okay?' Monica asked as they moved back to the dining room.

'She's fine, just fine,' Rachel said. Suddenly, Phoebe took on a knowing look.

'Oh,' she said.

'What?' Monica demanded.

'That's why she had the mustard,' Phoebe said. 'Funny food preferences. I should have realised from the way she looked.'

'Woo Hoo!' shouted Ross from the bathroom. 'We're gonna have a baby!'

The Alternative Season 5 finale