Title: Least Expected
Authors: DemonessOfPunishment and The Demonic Duo
Rating: R
Disclaimer: We do not own Harry Potter.
Summary: Sirius leaves home for an all boys school, returning later to reunite with past friends and notices an unexpected change with one Remus Lupin. It seems that the librarian's tired of being "proper" and "prudish." AU, SLASH. SBRL.
Sirius rolled over in his bed, cringing from the detectable light in the room. Normally, his bedroom would be the darkest of black, but unfortunately he hadn't been able to remodel it. Yet. It was currently a fluorescent orange that defined the light and made the area brighter.
Groaning, Sirius squinted at the clock, that was salvaged from a particularly tricky box, and sighed. It was nine o'clock, he supposed that he could get up and arrange his boxes and get the room ready for painting. The first would have to be the living room. The pink had to go, permanently.
After putting his glasses on, Sirius dragged himself out of his bed, and without bothering to dress quite yet, padded into the living room to survey the mounds of boxes. He would have Remus help him with the living room and the spare room. (With the bars.) James could help with everywhere else in the home, just as long as the pink and bars were out of his limits.
Sirius shifted a large box, centering it in the living room and placing others onto. He wanted everything in the living room's mid point so that the walls were accessible. The rug could be ruined with paint, it was filthy already and was a putrid brown.
After 45 minutes, Sirius had most of the boxes in the middle of the room. Some of the packages wouldn't fit, so they had to be dragged into another room, some having to go upstairs. That in itself was a chore Sirius never wanted to repeat. The first few boxes got stuck on the corners, and a few of them fell back down the stairs. After a bout of swearing at them, and a silent prayer that nothing was damaged, all were upstairs in the rooms so he could paint the living room.
Sighing, Sirius trekked back up the stairs and headed into his bedroom. Grabbing a few clothes from the boxes, then headed into the master bathroom. He decided against the shower, opting to take one that night to wash the paint off instead. Placing his glasses on the sink top, adorning on the faucet, the dark haired man turned on the hot water. Cupping his hands together, he filled his palms with the liquid and splashed his face. He repeated this process, eventually adding soap, washing his face, then rising it off.
Next came the hair. The night before, after Remus had left, Sirius emptied his car of everything that went with him, hairbrush included. Taking his hair out of the hair tie, Sirius dampened the brush bristles before running it through his hair. It didn't take long before it was completely detangled. Pulling his hair back again, Sirius quickly braided it before moving onto his clothes.
He dressed efficiently in a pair of blue jeans that could afford the inevitable paintjob and a white shirt that he had around since boarding school. He put on a pair of socks and sneakers, his glasses too, feeling as though he were dressed for battle with the room of hell. The pink room.
Sirius bounded into his room and grabbed his keys, ready to get his paint supplies. He made a mental checklist, knowing that he would need plastic to cover the boxes and furniture and also the rollers and paint brushes. Boy, was that going to put another dent in his budget.
Getting in his car, he made his way through town and towards the hardware store. He reluctantly parked towards the front and locked up. Walking into the store, he gawked at the size of the building.
"It didn't look this big when I was outside." Sirius commented lightly to himself. He adjusted his silver rimmed glasses and read a few signs as he neared them. Eventually, he found the paint isle and sighed in agony. There were various different colors of paint, and it made him wonder how long it would take him to find regular white.
After five minutes of searching, Sirius decided it was time to ask someone. Looking around, he found no one stocking the shelves with more paint. Sighing, he sauntered towards the customer service counter, hoping they would be of some form of help. The only person there was a lady in her early twenties. Sirius figured that she was working to pay for college.
"Excuse me," Sirius called, walking up to the counter, "but I was wondering if you could help me."
Smiling, she nodded. "Sure thing, what do you need?"
"Well, I need some white paint, but there is so much paint down that isle, that I don't know where to start." Sirius stated.
With her smile widening, she flipped her blonde hair over her shoulder and walked out from behind the service desk. "Follow me." She said, and swayed past him gracefully. Sirius followed, completely set to the mission of finding the figurative needle in the haystack.
Stopping, she picked up and bucket and handed it to him. "Eggshell white."
Taking the can, Sirius inspected the label and sighed. "I walked past this loads of times."
Giggling, she clasped her hands in front of her, successfully drawing Sirius's attention to her cleavage that was raised from the action. He blinked, averting his attention.
The employee moved closer to Sirius. "So, is there anything else you need?" she asked with a coy smile.
"Nothing really." Sirius stated. "Thank you for the help."
Nodding, she inched closer to him once again. "When you're ready, just come back to the desk and I'll check you out." He said, walking away with a light sway over her hips.
Shaking his head, Sirius picked up one more can of white and then noticed with dismay that he would need her help again. "Um, Miss?" She twisted around, blinking at him.
"Yes?" She chirped in a tone that seemed even more happily than it should have. Sirius was unphased as he glanced around. Becky, was her name, he read from the tag.
"I need pure black... see, I'm painting my bedroom that." He explained, putting the white cans down to get back to later.
"You're bedroom?" Becky inquired, positively delighted at the mention of the most personal area in a person's home. Especially when the said man was this delicious looking.
"Yes. I just moved in, and it's a hideous shade of orange." Sirius murmured.
Becky shook her head with a giggle. "That's so awful!" She stated with a smile.
Sirius nodded in agreement, discretely rolling his eyes. "I know it is, now, can you please show me where some black paint is?"
Nodding, Becky grabbed Sirius' arm and pulled him a little ways down the isle. Stopping him, she pointed a few shelves above them. "That's where the best black paint is. Everyone uses it."
Sirius nodded. "Thank you for your help." He said, reaching up to grab a few cans of the paint. She watched his body stretch up as he retrieved two cans of paint. Sirius looked at her, his glasses sliding down his nose. He smiled forcefully, silently pondering whether this trip would turn completely disastrous.
"Um," Becky started shyly, fluttering her eyelashes. "Will you... go out with me?"
Sirius blinked in shock, almost dropping the cans of paint. "E-excuse me?"
Frowning, she blinked her blue eyes owlishly at him, narrowing them. "Is there something wrong?" her tone was dangerous.
"No." Sirius drawled cautiously, wondering if she suffered from bipolar episodes. He was also curious about whether or not she would whip out a gun from her brassiere and kill him on the spot. Yikes.
"Is there something wrong with me?" She whined, gripping her chest. "Are my boobs not big enough?!"
"It's not that!" Sirius pleaded, backing away.
"THEN WHAT IS IT?!?" She screamed, drawing attention.
"I'm gay." he cried softly, completely alarmed. His eyes were enlarged, but nothing compared to the way her baby blue ones. It seemed almost comical.
"YOU'RE GAY?!?!" She wailed. "IT WAS MY FAULT, WASN'T IT?!" Sirius made to protest, but she rounded a furious glare on him. "I ALWAYS SEEM TO TURN MEN GAY!!!"
"With the way you're acting now, you're not making me love the idea of being straight." Sirius muttered under his breath. She heard him, bursting into dramatic tears.
"WHHHHYYYYY!?!?! FIRST MY BROTHER AND NOW YOUUUU!!"
Sirius's head snapped up from staring at the floor. "Brother?" His eyes widened and he grabbed the four cans of paint, awkwardly making his get away to the check out. The thought of incest ran through his head and he was glad he hadn't eaten yet. He hoped the poor woman got some help. Soon.
Heading towards the check out, Sirius was stopped by a man who couldn't have been much older then himself. "Hello, Sir, would you like some help?" He asked.
Sirius eyed him skeptically. "Maybe, but I have one question. Are you in any way psychotic and overly-dramatic?" He asked serious.
The employee, whose name tag read Robert, blinked a few times then chuckled. "I see you've met Becky." He commented.
Sirius nodded. "I have, and never again do I want to."
Robert laughed again. "Understandable. So, would you like some help?"
Sirius nodded. "I still need rollers and tins." He put the paint tins down, his joints aching from the stress they were put through. Robert moved them aside for later purchase.
"Follow me, then." Robert ordered lightly, leading the way up the isle next to the paint, where Becky was still making a scene. Sirius shook his head. That girl had some real problems. "Alright, how many rollers do you need?" Robert asked.
"Huh? Oh, three will be fine, and three goggles and tins as well." Sirius answered.
Robert nodded, grabbing what Sirius asked for. "Is that all for you?" Sirius nodded. "Alright, follow me and I'll check you out. Not to say that I need a reason to do that." Robert stated, walking past a dumbstruck Sirius.
Following Robert, Sirius felt a wave nausea come along. Was this store cursed? Surely that had to be the reason that an incestuous and mentally ill woman hit on him, not to mention a decently handsome man that Sirius had no true interest in.
At the checkout, Sirius retrieved and placed the cans onto the conveyor belt with the other items. He dug into his pant's pocket and plucked out his credit card, handing it to Robert. Soon, all the items were purchased and, with Robert's help, brought to his car. ("Cool wheels." Roberts commented in awe.)
Sitting in his Mustang, Sirius rested his forehead on the steering wheel. He groaned loudly, vowing to never return there alone. Never in his life, had he wanted to be invisible until now.
Minutes later, he ended up safe and sound in the driveway of his house. He brought the paint supplies into the house and stacked the white cans carefully in the living room, with the rollers and tins, while he dropped the black cans off in his room for later.
Knowing that he needed to call Remus and James, he would have to ask one of his neighbors to use their phone. Smiling, he stretched. This was one way to get to know his neighbors. Sort of?
Sirius left his house, walking across his yard and into the non-fenced yard. He knocked on the door, and smiled at the man who answered.
"What?" He snapped. Sirius blinked.
"I, ah... may I use your phone? I need to-" With that, the door slammed in his face, leaving him temporarily flabbergasted. "Thank you, anyways." Sirius turned, rolling his eyes and knowing that he wouldn't try that again. So, onto his other neighbors.
Sirius went past his own house to the one next door. Two cars sat out front, so he figured it was a married couple. He had hoped a nice elderly lady would answer, so he could use the phone. Even if it was a elderly lady, he just hoped the people were nice, and not psychotic.
A shudder ran down his spine as he thought about the horror from the store. Shaking his head, Sirius pushed the image from his mind as he walked up and knocked on the door. A loud crash came from inside, and Sirius blinked. Maybe this was a bad idea.
He was about to leave and a girl with red hair opened the door, a fake smile on her face. "Yes, can I help you?" she asked.
"Um...hello, I'm Sirius Black. I just moved in next door, and I was wondering if I could use your phone." He said.
The girl nodded. "Come on in." She said, opening the door, and letting him in. "I'm Deidre." She introduced herself.
"Dee!" Came another feminine voice, clearly oblivious to Sirius's presence. "Where'd you throw my bra?!"
Sirius blanched slightly. Deidre answered, unphased. "I don't know! Under the bed, in the bathroom, the corner of the room?"
"Found it!"
A young woman came into the room, her blouse open and revealing her entire front side. Thankfully, Sirius thought, the brassiere and skirt kept her decent. She blinked at Sirius, a blush rising up her cheeks as she closed her shirt in embarrassment. "Deidre! Why didn't you tell me we had company!" she hissed, swiping her chin-length hair behind her ear before storming into the kitchen. She appeared just as mortified as Sirius felt.
Deidre turned to Sirius, a scowl gracing her features as she noticed that Sirius didn't remove his attention from where her lover went.
Deidre glared at Sirius. "Are you staring at my girlfriend?!" She demanded.
Sirius tore is attention from where the other woman had left into the kitchen. "What?! NO! I wasn't! I don't even like girls! So, um...about your phone...."
"It's in the living room!" came the voice from the other woman. Nodding, Sirius went into the living room, from the entrance hall, to call Remus. He dialed the number, sighing miserably.
"What a day..." He muttered, just as the phone picked up.
"Sirius?" Chirped the amused voice.
"Ah? Hey... are you free today?" He said, shivering at the feel of the woman's icy glare. Remus's line was silent before Remus answered affirmatively. "Great, wear something you don't mind getting dirty."
"Okay." And with that, Remus and Sirius hung up. He turned around, blinking at the wrathful twitch Deidre gave him.
"YOU USED MY PHONE TO CALL YOUR BOYFRIEND FOR SEX?!" She hollered.
"He has a boyfriend?" The semi-streaker asked, returning to the room in a more acceptable appearance. "Wow. Oh, I'm Michelle." She smiled.
"Nice to meet you... and no, he's not my boyfriend. He's my friend, and he's coming over to help paint my house." Sirius explained, mentally choosing to keep the peace with his lesbian neighbors. He didn't want to be murdered in his sleep, and the chances of making either of the women crying, like Becky, were thankfully slim. He was the one whom would probably be tortured to tears.
Grinning impishly, he moved around a couch to keep the distance between him and Deidre and walked to the door. Michelle waved cheerfully, all smiles, whilst her lover crossed her arms and waited for him to leave.
Sirius opened the door, leaving with a forced smile before closing the door and sprinting across the lawn and to the safety of his home. He opened the door, went inside and collapsed onto the floor and leaned against the door. "I hope today gets better." He groaned.
The door vibrated with a knock, and he stood up slowly. Nervously peeking out the peephole, he grinned once he spotted Remus and opened it. "I'm so glad it's you."
Remus looked confused, though very good in his baggy plaid shirt and torn jeans. "Why, who did you think it was?"
"Would you believe me if I said I thought it was one of my crazy lesbian neighbors?"
Remus looked curious, but nodded after thought. He grinned widely. "Yes, Sirius, I think I would. Would you happen to be talking about Michelle and Deidre?"
"...Yeah, how did you know?" Sirius blinked.
"Oh, because any guy that goes near Michelle is threatened to painful castration by Dee." He said fondly. "I didn't, I guess it's because I'm... ah... so! We're painting?"
"Yeah, painting." Sirius murmured, wondering what Remus was truly about to say.
TBC.
::cackles:: Didn't you just love his neighbors?