I hate myself. Hate everything about me, what have I done, why would I do this, god I have so many questions, and it seems like I'll never have all of the answers.

It was midnight by now, but I just couldn't go back to Curtis's after what had happened, couldn't look at Soda's face. I couldn't stand him anymore, but then no, I will go back there, I need to hear some kind of an explanation for what I saw and the kiss.

When I got to Curtis's no one was home except Soda, he as always was sitting there and watching TV.

"Hey babe, I was looking for you today, where have you been? And why were you crying, What's wrong? You can tell me." With that he took my hand and motioned me to sit down beside him, I did, although I felt tears forming up in my eyes again.

He hugged me and then I started talking. When I asked him about the kiss, if it had meant anything, he blushed, and then there was a long pause. After that he told me that he had liked me for a really long time now, and when we were there, all alone he just couldn't resist anymore so he kissed me. But after that, he was too scared that I might not like him, and that our friendship was lost forever...

Now I started crying, and then I told him what I wanted to say to him today in the morning and what I saw, everything else that happened except the part at that bar.

He looked into my eyes, and now he was smiling, then he kissed me but I didn't kiss him back I just couldn't, not until I know what that girl was doing in his bed.

"The girl was some chick Johnny found in the school lot around 2 in the morning, he felt sorry for her, and brought her here. She was beat up badly and as she told us later some Socs also had raped her. We didn't know where to put her, so I offered my room, and since there was no other place for me to sleep we shared a bed. But baby, I swear, we never did anything, didn't even talk to her untill the morning." Said Soda while holding onto my hand.

Now what have I done. He likes me, how could I be so stupid. But now I just screwed my life up, I was so scared to tell him about the guy and me having sex, and everything, I started crying even harder now.

Then he noticed a small blood stain on my jeans, I don't know how it got there, but well... it id. Now I could see his eyes fill up with tears, he knew what had happened.

"Please say you didn't, god please tell me this isn't happening" that was all that he had said, and then he just sat there, not saying a word. I could feel his hand still around my waist, but it wasn't holding me anymore, it was just there, motionless.

I didn't know what to say or do, so I just sat there with him, hoping that he'd forgive me. About an hour passed before he looked at me again. "Did you really mean it, I mean did u really want to do it with him?", he asked, while a tear was slowly going down his face.

Now I had to tell him the truth that I was too drunk to even remember how it happened... but I knew that if I did, it would crush him even more, so instead I said no, I never meant for it to happen, I was just so sad, mad and confused all at the same time, after it had happened I wished it didn't, please forgive me Sodapop Curtis, please.

There was another pause... "I'm sorry ", he had said at last. I couldn't understand him; I should be the one saying sorry right now.

"Sorry for giving you a reason to do this, I'll understand if you leave right now, I really will, I should've told you how I feel when I kissed you, but I didn't, I know I don't deserve you, I'm so sorry, god you can't believe how much I wish that I could bring that moment back, so I could tell you how I feel, and be with you." he had said.

I was speechless, I didn't know what to say, so instead I kissed him and he kissed me back. After that we just sat there talking in the dark, hugging each other, and once in a while we would kiss.

Then we went to his bedroom and laid there, my head on his chest till we both fell asleep.