The Mess We Became
A/N: Sorry if this chapter turns out to be a little hard on the eyes. Lots of rants that just clump together.
Reviewers: I'm out of cute little bits so just know I appreciate your reviews very, very much…really.
Disclaimer: If I was to say I own everything, can you seriously tell me someone will sue me? Anyways, I don't.
"Announce yourself!" a partly groggy Lorelai commanded through the phone.
"Mom…" Rory said tearfully. She wasn't sobbing though somehow a small sob escaped her throat when she said that. She gave herself away.
Lorelai previous grogginess was completely forgotten and immediately her tone became clear and soft, "Oh, honey…what happened? Oh my god…you're date was tonight? The guy was a jackass wasn't he? I swear I will-"
"Mom." She firmly spoke to stop her mother from jumping to any further conclusions. The truth was hard to say…after thinking it in her head she didn't really believe it herself. Though it had to be said, "Jess."
A mix of confusion and shock filled the other end of the line. Lorelai couldn't help but wonder what he had to do with this. "Whoa…what does he have to do with-" she sighed at her own idiocy and hated that she hadn't connected the dots sooner. Though, more, than anything she wished that she was wrong. "I…um…do you mean that...he was...?"
Rory nodded then remembered Lorelai can't see her. The silence was taken as a yes anyway so it didn't really matter.
"So…you stuck it through I guess?" The fact that she was calling at eleven thirty in the night partially answered the question thought the dead air needed to be filled.
That wasn't what she really expected to hear at all. Though, she was very grateful that it wasn't necessary for her to explain it all. "Yes, I did. He…um…he said I can go but…but I didn't," Rory unsurely said and awaited her mother's response.
Lorelai, for once, was at a loss of words. What was she supposed to say? Should she question, comfort, rant…? "Oh, wow."
"Yeah wow. I mean in this huge city and of all the people…it's…just…just not fair." Her voice was raspy and cracking at the unsuccessful attempt to hold in the sobs.
Lorelai had too much curiosity in here to not start questioning, "How did it go? What…what was it like? How did you treat each other? Was it weird? Oh my god, it would've been like beyond weird! Was he a jerk?"
A small chuckle escaped Rory's throat as the panic of her mother. Though, the actually questions did nothing but make the tears more intense. "It was awkward beyond reason, but…" She didn't know how to explain it. She regretted calling in first place, she just wanted the comfort of her mom; she couldn't speak without sobs breaking her words and tears fogging her eyes. "He wasn't a jerk. Tonight, if anyone was a jerk it was me. But I had every right to, didn't I?" With each word her sobbing got noticeably stronger and her blouse was soaked through.
"Rory, honey, you are completely right. Though, you have to remember that it's been a really long time since…" She wasn't sure since what. She wondered if her daughter was counting from the first time he left or from the time he told Rory he loved her…then left.
"It's been a long time since he showed up at Yale with that self-centered proposal? Is that what you were planning on saying? Time's passed so all is forgotten! Oh yeah, because you are Ms. Forgive and Forget!" Rory snarled, her voice dripping with a cruel sarcasm that momentarily masked her sadness. The key word really was 'momentarily'. The second she finished her rant she wanted to take every single word of it back.
That's when she realized her huge mistake. The sobbing was now stifled due to panic. She'll eat her words in a matter of seconds once Lorelai digests what was said. Maybe if she starts furiously apologizing about the second part really quick she'll totally forget about the second part…"Mom, I'm so sorry, I didn't-
"Proposal?" Lorelai asked with a timid tone to her voice hoping she heard wrong
"Don't worry…and I did the right thing. It was so long ago too, five years really. So it was nothing, it's not what you're thinking at all." Rory raced through her words, not allowing interruptions.
"Enlighten me, please," her voice growing mildly louder with impatience as well as anger about why she wasn't informed of this 'proposal'
Rory let out a sigh of confusion and defeat and retold the tale of Jess showing up out of the blue at her dorm. She started with the unanswered question that cued the doors swinging open. At the mention of Dean she heard her mother about to start questioning her on what he was doing there though sullenly reminded her that's a story of it's own to which she knows the end. There were no more interruptions, just the sound of intent listening.
"And then he said, 'You're packed. Your stuff is all in boxes. It's perfect. You're ready. And I'm ready. I'm ready for this. You can count on me now. I know you couldn't count on me before, but you can now. You can.' Can you believe it? It was insane! All I could think to say was 'No!' though he still didn't leave! Then he goes on about something saying things like, 'Look, you know we're supposed to be together. I knew it the first time I saw you two years ago, and you know it, too. I know you do.' He's talking like a mile a minute and had an expression I couldn't really place. I said 'No' like five times though he couldn't take a hint! It was like he flinched each time I said it though…though…he didn't give up. 'Don't say 'no' just to make me stop talking or make me go away. Only say 'no' if you really don't want to be with me,' was the last thing he said before I yelled 'No!' and he finally left…me. I sent him away…for…what I though would be pretty close to forever."
She was tearful the whole time she told the tale though she was too into the memory to care. The realization of it all sunk in. She watched the memory as an outsider seeing it happen. She told it with each shallow emotion of what she felt as it was happening. As she watched this memory, she felt disgust…at herself. Though she couldn't go and it's not like she had reason to believe him! Though you didn't have to kick a guy while he's down and become an adulteress the next day. What was that? Oh yeah, that was what a more ethical Rory Gilmore would say. It's funny how much desperation and age can change people…actually in her case, it's really not.
"Rory…" Lorelai said with a miserable tone like she had just been beaten with a bat.
"Mom, I know, it was horrible though-" She wiped away some tears to make room for new ones.
"What's horrible is that…you still remember it…from five years ago," Lorelai slowly spoke in the hopes that her daughter would understand what she was saying.
"What? It was a horrible memory; it's not easy to forget you know…" Rory explained not really understanding what she should be explaining.
"See, that was five years ago. As in five years…get it? You told me this like…like it happened yesterday. I mean you didn't just tell me his last parting words; you just gave me a play-by-play of a rather lengthy memory. And sweetie, you were crying the whole time," Lorelai said sure that Rory got it though probably will take a few seconds to sink in.
"I…no…no, no, no, no-" she was now talking more to herself.
"I think I'm getting a vague idea of how Jess felt," she quipped trying to lighten the serious mood. "I expect anyone would remember something like that. But…you told me wordfor word what he said. It seems kind of like…you don't want to forget a single piece of it."
Truth be told, she wanted to never forget the memory of his eyes, his voice…him. She didn't want to officially make him someone of her past. "Of course I do, I hate…hate…hate everything he did to me."
"I'm going to give you two opinions and I know which one you'll like more. As a mom, I'm telling you that you did the right, sensible thing," Lorelai said solemnly.
"Exactly!" Rory said with relief that her mom agrees with her. "I did-"
"Though as a friend or third person, I'm telling you that there was a really sweet though behind what he asked you to do," she said in an even tone despite her motherly opinion taking over. She, herself, did not see it that way. Then again, it's her job not to.
"What? I can't believe you! After everything he did? You don't even like him! Since when do you defend him about…anything?" Rory wanted her mom to back her up one hundred percent on what she did. She vocalized what she was earlier thinking, "Besides, I couldn't go with him! Even on the occasion that I wanted to! And how am I supposed to believe him?"
"You're right, though you didn't have to kick a guy while he's down and become an adulteress the next day," Lorelai said calmly. She was glad that Rory had common sense; she was glad that Rory knew that she can't leave everything behind for…some guy. Age can mature people, though who's to know how much a little punk can mature…and she remembered that she did find a self-help book that time five years ago. Though, her bigger concern was that this whole thing sounded very an 'eye for an eye.'
The words stung Rory more than her mother knew…or more than she thought her mother knew.
"Rory, this is a thing of the past. It doesn't matter. I love you so much and I don't want you to hurt about something that's been over for five years. Though, now I see how this might have added a whole new level of awkward to your 'blind date'," Lorelai said to bring them back to the present.
Rory touched her face; it was soaked though there were no fresh tears in her eyes. She was scared that the reality of present may change that. "He said and I quote 'bye, Rory'."
The initial reaction of Lorelai was to say it's great that now she finally got a goodbye. When she heard a soft sniffling of her daughter she realized that Rory was seeing a different side to this. "Rory, I'm sorry, though I guess now you know it's really goodbye. I mean now, he's just…another guy…another ex."
"No he's not! He…is…not!" Rory covered her mouth and found her knees shaking wildly. After everything, why would she defend him? He's just another guy. She won't pine for him. She's over him…all feelings gone…yeah…right.
"You're defending him?" Lorelai asked thoroughly taken aback by the little outburst. A few second ago she was being yelled at for even trying to put two sides to Jess's actions and not think one-sided about everything, now she's being yelled at for simply trying to shed some light to how good it can be that she has a closure type thingy now. Maybe it was one of those, 'don't talk about my mama, only I can!' things.
"No…I mean yes…though I totally shouldn't be…but I am…was," Rory babbled mindlessly. She could feel the skepticism of her mother and could practically see her cocking an eyebrow…Rory needed to say it, "You know what, you are right. Jess Mariano is just…just…just another guy…another ex-boyfriend…ex, former, no longer." She had never said it like that before…it felt…rong; a blend of right and wrong…that had the exact same pronunciation as wrong.
"That's-" Lorelai was interrupted by a shrill scream. "Sorry babe, Peter had another nightmare; I have to take care of this because granny-pants Luke is asleep and wouldn't wake up if I told him Armageddon is here. Take care of yourself, I mean really take care of yourself."
"I love you, mom," Rory said in hopes Lorelai would forget how mean she was when Rory was the one that went crawling to her in tears.
"I love you too, Rory," Lorelai said with a smile and turned to a little boy frantically running down the stairs. "Bye kid."
Rory hung up the phone and sighed. She put her face in her hands and brushed away the last remains of tears in her eyes that were precariously hanging there. This resulted in her mascara and eyeliner smudging messily through her face giving her a look like she hadn't slept for years. Her hair was unkempt to say the least, she looked like the living dead really. She didn't care, it seemed like she had no one to impress anymore…not even herself. She could be wearing hundred dollar makeup and have perfectly styled hair, but right now she'd just scowl at herself. Though she didn't scowl really, she didn't know how. She just gave a withering stare that made New Yorkers shake in their boots. New Yorker…she forgot that she was one…funny…kind of.
It's almost like she went in a big circle, though she hasn't come back to where she's started yet. She probably will though, that's how all the movies are. Though her life wasn't a movie…where did this comparison even start?
Well in all the movies there's an ex that happens to be your blind date when you are setup by…who's she kidding, the day she sees a movie like that she'll cry for the leads even if it means peeling onions. Actually, she won't if it means peeling onions. They are all tough on the outside and by the time you see the actual onion they make you cry. She subconsciously put sentimental attachment to onions just then…she truly hated onions now. Except one onion…
Look, you know we're supposed to be together. I knew it the first time I saw you two years ago, and you know it, too. I know you do.
No…one had ever said something like that to her. Once she got past the scariness of what he said, she felt her heart melt at the honesty of it. Too bad it took her five years to see past the initial reaction and she couldn't even do it without the sagely opinions of her mother most likely. He thinks…thought…that they were meant for each other.
That was a long time ago. Could he really come up to her now, seven years after they met, and say the same thing? Probably not…to some extent at least…he's probably moved on. But what they had not too long ago at all was in some terms a date. It was forced on them though, it didn't count.
She was actually surprised she hadn't run into him sooner in some situation or another when their roommates are dating. Well she did…tonight. Tonight…still was something that didn't seem real. He couldn't have said 'bye'…he never does, that's just proof she's imagining it. Maybe if she imagines real hard before she goes to sleep, she'll get one last chance to see him…in her head, one last time…she would make it happier…though it wouldn't be real. She knew a just plain idiotic idea when she thought one, and that definitely was.
I love you.
I love you too, Jess!
That never happened! It wasn't real…
A/N: I intended to put a lot more in this chapter though as you see I didn't. I just kept typing and typing and it got longer and longer so before I was just plain out babbling I decided to stop. What did you like? What did you skip over? Tell it like it is.
Review with honesty. Advise with honesty. Criticize with honesty. The basic theme here is honesty. And review, even though I didn't say it five times. So REVIEW HONESTLY.