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I am not sure, when I am able to upload the next chapter.

Chapter 4.

Olivia Benson still did not know what to make out of this situation. She still could not remember who had slept with her. After work, she decided to figure out who she slept with. She knew her first stop had to be Elliot, but she had to make it through her work day first.

Olivia stood in the middle of her squadroom, her eyes focused on her phone. As she was trying to get up the nerve to text Elliot, she felt like she was being watched. Lifting her eyes from her phone, she spotted Fin and Amanda. They stood side-by-side at the coffee pots, their eyes locked on her.

Even two days after blacking out and waking up after having sex or being raped, she still felt so incredibly sore between her legs. At this moment, she couldn't take their stares. Olivia turned on her heel and moved as quickly as she could into her office, shutting the door tightly behind her.

Fin and Amanda exchanged glances as they tried to force the other one to follow Olivia and talk to her. Both had a gut feeling that something was wrong with Olivia, but they didn't know what. They moved from glancing to staring at each other, and Amanda buckled under the pressure. She groaned in defeat before heading towards Olivia's office.

"Liv, are you okay?" Amanda asked, after knocking on the door and opening it. Olivia was sitting at her desk, her head hung and her glasses were sitting on her desk.

Olivia didn't respond, so Amanda sat down in a chair in front of her desk. Olivia closed her eyes and sighed as she buried her face in her hands. She sat like that for a few moments as she tried to calm herself down.

"Liv-"

"I am far from okay, Amanda… Something happened after the party and I was either raped or someone had drunk… drunk and super rough sex with me," Olivia breathed, as her hands dropped away from her face.

"Olivia," Amanda breathed, tears burning her eyes.

"I'm playing the good victim, Amanda. I went to the hospital and reported it, had a rape kit… they drew blood and gave me medicine to prevent pregnancy and anything that could have been sexually transmitted to me," Olivia said. She took in a shaky breath, then released it slowly.

"I am so sorry, Olivia," Amanda spoke, concern lacing her voice. "Do you know who raped you? I can go and arrest-"

"Amanda, I can't remember a thing. All I remember was waking up, my belly had crusty white stuff on it, and there was dried salvia on my shoulder… No matter what happened to me, this can't get in the way of my job. So I'd like to forget what happened," Olivia snapped. She didn't want anyone else to know. She didn't want anyone to come digging into her attack and make things worse.

"If you need anything at all, just know that I'm here for you. I love you, and I will always help you where I can," Amanda said with a sincere smile. She stood and walked around the desk and gently rubbed Olivia's back.

Olivia swallowed hard, before leaning into the gentleness of Amanda.

"Can you try and keep your mouth shut about this?" Olivia asked. Amanda chuckled at the bluntness of her friend and nodded.

"I think I can do that," Amanda smiled, before leaning close and placing a soft kiss to the top of Olivia's head.

Amanda sat back down and waited for Olivia to say anything else. After several minutes, Amanda had to ask another question.

"Does Elliot know?"

"No, he doesn't know a thing… I don't even know who raped me, so why would he?" Olivia huffed.

"Liv-"

"I'm going to see Dr. Lindstrom tonight to see if he can help… I'll talk to you eventually, but not until I can talk to him and get help processing," Olivia grumbled, shutting down once again.

xxx

Olivia was anxiously bouncing her leg as she waited to see Dr. Lindstrom. She was not looking forward to talking about the night she turned into a victim.

She sat for a while before the door opened and another patient left the room. Olivia dropped her eyes to her hands, and only lifted her eyes when Dr. Lindstrom spoke.

"Olivia, you can join me now," The older man smiled. He turned to go into his office, and Olivia slowly trudged in behind him.

"Olivia, how are you feeling?" Dr. Lindstrom spoke, as he pulled out Olivia's chart.

"I'm far from fine…" Olivia trailed off, her voice shaking. "I went to a party that the city threw for a bunch of people, and I really enjoyed my night. I spent time with my crew, all of my friends, and even people I didn't know. Sometime that night, I ended up in the back of my vehicle and I think I was raped…" Olivia trailed off. She hated the fact that she had let it happen, that she didn't figure out a way to fight. Drugged or not, Olivia was always a fighter. Just not this time around.

"Please don't take offense to my question, Olivia. However, do you believe you were raped, or do you think you had consensual sex?" Dr. Lindstrom asked.

Olivia swallowed hard and shrugged.

"I'd love to know the answer to that question… I blacked out, so I don't know if I was or not. I try to tell myself it was just rough sex, because I can't even remember who did this time. What if they don't know what happened, either? If they don't know what happened, then it can't be a rape. It was just an accident that I pray doesn't haunt me for the rest of my life," Olivia rambled.

"Olivia, I am so sorry that this happened to you. As you process this trauma, the memories may come back. Would you like me to prescribe something to help take the edge off of your anxiety?"

"The last thing I want is to lose more of my memories… to bury my pain and anger."

TBC?