Long Ago and Far Away

Chapter 2

Disclaimers: I don't own any of the JAG characters. I don't own any product or label mentioned for the purposes of telling this story. Any similarities to situations or persons living or dead are purely coincidental.

Spoilers: All spoilers posted about all the episodes until the end of season 10 are fair game. Any JAG episode may be 'loosely' referred to.

A/N: Remember this is an AU story. It is not meant to project anything but a good Harm and Mac story.

A/N: Thanks to everyone who posted a review. They really blew me away. I thought you guys would laugh me off the board. LOL

A/N: Many thanks to Aerogirl for her beta reading and encouragement.

1930

Friday

May 20, 2005

Harm's apartment

North of Union Station

Harm sat in the corner of his couch with Mac sitting beside him, her feet tucked beneath her. There had not been a lot of conversation so far; it was more a touch or a caress and finally seeing each other with their 'masks' off. Harm looked into her eyes, stroked her hair, her cheek, her arms as though he were trying to reclaim something that had been stolen from him. He had been careful in the last weeks not to move too fast, but now with what he had just learned he could not keep his hands off of her. He wondered if he would ever be able to again.

"When do you go to North Carolina?" Harm had taken 30 days of leave to close up his apartment and to visit his mother in California before he left for London. He wanted to go to North Carolina with Mac. He had to see his daughter.

"Monday – I'm on leave for a week then I go to San Diego. I know I'm probably going to need more time. I just want to see her and then plan from there."

"Does the general know anything about this?"

"No… just that I need some personal time. I can't even begin to think about how he'll view this situation." She shook her head slightly and looked up at him. "I just know I can't give her up again. I won't. I don't care what it costs me."

"You won't be in this alone, Mac. Let me come with you." His hand had been trailing up and down her arm, and then he stopped to pick up her hand and kiss her palm.

Mac leaned in closer and kissed his cheek and then his lips softly. "Okay."

She remembered all the times she had tried to understand why she hadn't been able to give up on them completely. Even when she had said 'never,' she never really had.

"What is it?" Harm noticed her that her countenance darkened.

"Nothing… I was just remembering one of the many times I pushed you away."

She didn't even want to say the word Paraguay again. Everything had spun completely out of control from that time on. All the joy left her life when she finally understood that Harm had truly left JAG. She had heard Harm and Catherine Gale talking to Webb about Harm flying for the Company. She knew then she could lose him forever.

He smiled and pushed her hair back from her face. "You weren't the only one, Mac."

He kissed her again, a soft and chaste kiss. He wanted to know everything, everything she could tell him about their daughter. 'Our daughter,' he thought. He tipped her chin up so that she could look him in the eye. "Can you tell me about when she was born?"

The look on his face was so expectant and sweet that Mac couldn't have resisted if her life had depended on it. It was a painful memory, one she seldom let her mind dwell on. She tried to steel herself so that she could continue. She blew out a breath and whispered, "Okay."

"I know it can't be easy, but if you can, I really need to hear it."

Harm had given up on the idea of his ever having children. Mac's health had made it a near impossibility. He wouldn't even think about having children with anyone else.

Mac began…

"I didn't know I was pregnant until I was nearly five months along. I know it sounds stupid. You'd think a grown woman would know, but I didn't. I have never been…" She suddenly felt embarrassed speaking of something so intimate. "I mean I never really knew when..." She blushed pink.

"Its okay, Mac, I know what you mean." He gave her a reassuring smile.

"I kept my pregnancy hidden after I found out, though I think a few people suspected near the end of the semester. I was tall and slim and I really didn't have trouble hiding it until the last month. I wasn't due until after the end of the semester. I decided to go back to Dare County and have the baby there." She stopped speaking for a moment.

"I think I had this crazy hope that I would see him…you. That recognition would dawn on us both and we'd live happily ever after. I would never have admitted it to anyone but it was true."

She looked at him sadly. "I wasn't ready to be anyone's mother then, Harm. I really wasn't. I figured the only right thing I could do was to have this child. Then someone who couldn't have children could have her. I also thought that if I never had children, if I never found someone to love me that I would always know she was out there somewhere and she came from me."

Harm listened and thought, 'and from me.'

"I made arrangements with an adoption agency there in Dare County. They were very helpful, and the adoptive couple was thrilled. I had only met them once but the screening process was very thorough and I was assured that she was going to a good home."

"Did you have someone with you when she was born?" Harms look of concern told her that he would have been there.

She looked at him with a lump forming in her throat. "No."

She could still see the labor and delivery rooms in her mind's eye. Everything seemed to be white or gray, very clinical and antiseptic. She told Harm the rest of the story; it had been very hard. The nurses had only said what was necessary when they spoke to her. As though being nice to her would keep her from giving the baby up. She had even overheard two of the nurses talking about her, about some stupid college girl getting knocked up and trying to keep it from dear old mom and dad.

Harm felt his heart squeeze at the thought of her facing what she had to alone. He unconsciously began stroking her back.

"I thought I had to harden my heart, so I could let her go." Her chin trembled with emotion.

"I thought I could do that until I saw her. Harm, she was such a beautiful baby. She was so perfect, and when I looked into her little face, she smiled at me. It was almost as though she was telling me I had done the right thing. I know she didn't really see me, but in that moment it gave me the courage to do what I had to." Harm closed both of his arms around her.

"You know, even though I was hiding her from everyone, the knowledge that she was with me most of that first year of school helped me get through it." She looked away from Harm. "I used to talk to her sometimes, and when I did it seemed as though she would answer me by moving around, just letting me know she was there."

She turned away slightly and covered her mouth, trying to keep from crying. Harm pulled her closer to him.

"I'm so sorry, Mac. I wish I had known." He caressed her back and shoulders, trying to will away any pain she was feeling, and then his gaze dropped to her stomach. He had to reach out and touch her there. He had to touch the place where she had carried their baby.

Mac's eyes followed his as he reverently placed his hand on her stomach and flattened his palm.

"Harm." She had never loved him more than she did at that moment. Her feeling went from the deepest love to the most intense desire. She felt his touch to her very core.

He looked up at her and slid his hand higher on her stomach to her waist, pulling her in against him. He looked into her eyes and then at her lips. It had been so long since he'd really kissed her though he had dreamt of it often enough. He would remember that night on the admiral's porch the rest of his life. When he thought about it later, he had reasoned that he had not been able to let her go that night because her kiss was so new to him and yet so familiar. He knew now why he had felt that way.

She could not help it – she had to kiss him. She felt as though she had waited for this moment for years and in fact she had. She couldn't wait for him to come to her. As she kissed him she slipped her hand up from his waist to his chest, feeling his heartbeat quicken under her hand. Their lips tentatively explored taste and texture, leaving them both wanting more.

Harm closed his arms around her and pulled her into his lap so that she was astride him. Harm leaned back and Mac kissed him deeply, eliciting a low growl from his chest. Her hair fell around his face and he felt as though he were drowning in her. Her touch had become electric, her flavor nearly making him lose all semblance of control, and he did not want to mess this up. He was –in- her life now and he never wanted that to change so he broke the kiss.

"Mac…I…maybe we should slow down. I don't want to mess this up." He looked into her eyes and saw that they were dark with desire.

Mac rested her forehead against his. "You're not messing anything up. I need you and I love you and I –know- you love me." She kissed him again, unable to get enough of the feel of his mouth on hers.

She broke the kiss after a long moment and her words poured out like a torrent.

"I remember what you made me feel that night. I couldn't ever forget it. I loved the way you held nothing back. You held me as though I belonged to you. I never felt anything so intoxicatingly erotic in my life."

Her eyes bored into his and she kissed him again hungrily. "I want it back – I want you back."

Harm froze for a split second, then pulled her body flush with his and kissed her deeply. If the intensity of Mac's emotions were making her feel as if she were going to fly apart then he would love her and give her her anchor. His kisses were at once rough and tender. The taste and the feel of her under his hands made his mouth water. He needed her; he had always needed her, and he had never forgotten either. Yes, he loved her; his heart was bursting with it. He dragged his lips from hers only long enough to lift her body from his to stand up. He lifted her again and she wrapped her body sensuously around him. She kissed him with abandon and a desire that made her body visibly tremble.

"Baby, if we don't stop this…we're not going to make it to the…" He had meant to say bedroom but Mac took his mouth before he could finish.

They made love nearly all night, each one loving away a wrong done by the other until there was no more hurt to remember, leaving the past far away and their future together ahead of them. They had fit the last piece of the puzzle between them.

Just as they both drifted off to sleep, Harm said aloud, "I do, you know."

Mac turned slightly to look at him through half-closed eyes. "What?"

"You were right. I love you. I think I always have."

She turned to fully face him and tucked herself under his arm, finally feeling that she had come home – home to a place she had never thought she would be again. He closed his arms around her and they both fell into a peaceful sleep.

0900

Saturday

Harm's Apartment

North of Union Station

Harm sat at his dining room table while Mac refilled their coffee cups. He was looking over the file that Mac had brought to him yesterday. Her name was Cara Gabrielle Miller. She had lived with her adoptive maternal grandmother, Alice Johnston. Harm smiled at a picture of a tall and lanky little girl standing next to an older woman. The woman was short and matronly. Cara looked to be about ten years old. She was already as tall as the woman who had to be her adoptive grandmother. She beamed a smile as she draped an arm around Cara. Cara had clearly been loved. He was relieved.

He smiled when he read the name of the school she attended. First Flight Middle School. He turned the file, placing his thumb to mark the spot.

"Did you see this?" He held it up for Mac to see.

Mac walked toward him and nodded. "I've been thinking about that all morning." She came and stood next to him, resting her arm around his broad shoulders. "Read on."

He turned the page and saw a copy of a newspaper clipping with a picture of Cara standing behind a wooden podium, looking down at her written notes. The caption on the copy read: 'Cara Miller, People to People Student Ambassador, explains the program that promotes meaningful interaction between young people of different cultures.' Harm looked up at her, raising his eyebrows in pleasant surprise.

"I googled People to People and found that she was participating in something called the 'People to People World Leadership Forum.' She went to London last year, Harm."

"I've never heard of it." Harm brow furrowed but he couldn't keep from smiling at the girl who stood behind the podium in the picture. She was reed-thin and tall. Standing behind the podium made her look that much thinner.

"It was founded by President Eisenhower in 1956."

"Did you find that out on Google too?"

"Yes." She grinned sheepishly. "Something else too that I think you might be proud of."

"What?" He looked up at her.

"I guess she really raised a ruckus when they tried to place her in foster care without her CASA representative. It seems she remembered her from when her grandmother had adopted her officially. She demanded to see her, and told Ms Prentiss that she had a mother and that she wasn't going anywhere until she knew for sure that I didn't want her."

Mac was still smiling but her eyes were glazed with tears. "Pretty tough, isn't she?"

"Yeah…like someone else I know." He teased and reached for her hand. "I can't wait to see her." He wanted this child to know him, to know he wanted to be her father.

Mac exhaled, trying to release all the tension she was beginning to feel build up. "I hope you understand something. If you go and she sees you she may expect to stay in your life…"

"Wait a minute – do you think I just want to go down there and look and then walk away? I told you a year ago I was tired of looking in on your life and I meant it. It's going to be –our- life from on." Harm was quiet for a moment. "You're not regretting last night, are you?"

She gave his hand a squeeze and softly said, "No."

His expression was one of relief. He had been afraid she wouldn't want to let him be a part of their lives. That she would change her mind when morning came. He could see that she hadn't. He leaned forward to kiss her. "Okay."

1530

Monday

May 23 2005

Dare County Justice Center

Manteo, North Carolina

Mac had nearly every emotion running through her heart and mind at once. She had hidden away the dream of ever seeing this child again. She'd never thought she would ever see this dream come to fruition. She was frightened and excited and to be walking up these steps to see her daughter with father of her child… Harm. It was still too wonderful to believe.

They were to meet first with her CASA representative. Her name was Sheila Prentiss. She hoped that what had happened to Cara hadn't hardened her heart as Mac's had been when she lived with her parents. Losing everyone close to you could make you that way, she knew. The way she'd lost her parents was different, but in many ways it was the same. They had both had to fend for themselves at a young age. She slowed her pace, and Harm looked to see what the matter was.

"What is it, Mac?" He slipped his hand into hers.

"Harm, what if she hates me?" Mac didn't think she could handle her rejection after everything else that had happened.

"Mac, she asked to see you. If she resents anyone it will be me. She probably thinks I deserted you both." Harm was showing some apprehension of his own.

Mac hadn't even been thinking about that. This was all too much; she suddenly wanted to run away somewhere, anywhere to escape from this situation.

Harm seemed to read her mind and gave her hand a tug. "Come on, Mac, we can do this. She needs us."

She gave him a broken smile. "I know… I'm being silly. Last minute panic, I think."

Harm and Mac walked inside the building and were directed to a conference room on the other side of the building. They neared the designated room and as they did, they both slowed their pace. They stopped and looked at each other, trying to prepare themselves for what was to come.

Harm looked up over Mac's head. He could a young girl pacing back and forth through the glass door framed in wood. He knew immediately that this was their Cara. She was nearly as tall as Mac. She was lithe and willowy and to him she was so much like Mac. She was fairer than she, somewhere between his skin tone and Mac's. She had matured a bit more since her last picture had been taken. She appeared to be a poised, lovely young girl. She wore a determined and thoughtful look, the look of someone working out a conversation in her head.

Mac noticed the soft look on his face and she turned to see her daughter for the first time in thirteen years. She literally felt a pain in her heart and she placed her hand on her chest.

"Oh, Harm, it's her." She looked back at him and then turned to look at Cara.

"She's like you, Mac." He stood closer behind her as they watched in wonder at what a beautiful child had come from that night long ago. He placed his hands on each of her arms, stroking them lightly.

They both noticed someone come into the room through a door on the opposite side of the room. Cara looked at the woman and folded her arms across her chest, her chin up just slightly. The woman gave her an indulgent smile and came to stand next to her. As she was speaking to her they saw Cara's expression change from one of stubbornness to one that showed the same fear and apprehension they felt.

The woman continued to speak with the girl until finally Cara's face broke into a smile. Mac saw Harm in that smile and it nearly took her breath away.

"Oh God, Harm, look at that. It's you." She turned to look at him and he could only nod his agreement.

He turned away to compose himself. He didn't want to scare her and you never really knew with girls that age. Mattie had been a good prerequisite to this situation, just another reason to be grateful to his ward.

Harm turned back around and gently took Mac by her elbow. "Let's go meet our daughter."

TBC