He didn't particularly understand it. He would try to rationalize it to himself, explain it away as only mistaking his gratitude for something greater. But then he would look down at the tatami mat on the floor, where the small boy lay sleeping innocently and his stomach would turn. He would then come to the acutely sickening realization that there was no way to rationalize himself.
He clamped a hand over his mouth, willing the bile not to rise from his stomach. He grasped at the doorway, and clamped down his eyelids, weakly hoping there would be no one present once he re-opened his eyes. If he had been imagining it, well… that meant he was sick in some way, but at least he could prevent himself from becoming worse.
But, no, the boy was still lying there curled up softly on the tatami mat, features looking even younger in the waning moon's light. Renji looked away again, swallowing hard. This wasn't the first time either. And he had a disgusting suspicion that it would occur again, even as he swore to himself it wouldn't, because he had sworn the very same thing before, only to have the younger shinigami wind up in his bed anyway.
It was wrong. On many levels, it was dead wrong. The boy was younger, he wasn't a vice-captain, he was from another division, and he simply wasn't female. Not even in the slightest. He could never, ever have been mistaken as a girl.
It wasn't getting any earlier. He made a decision, and gathered the small-framed boy up in his arms, and made for the door. He could have moral debates later, it would be no good if he was discovered to have the boy in his room. The boy stirred very slightly, and smiled a little, nuzzling into Renji's chest with a warm, "Renji-kun…"
Renji pressed his lips together very tightly, fighting the feeling in the back of his throat, the feeling as if he had just chugged down soap and sawdust. He couldn't get sick, he had to get the boy back to his division, to his own little room – now was not the time to heave.
He carefully slipped through the halls, using techniques he had stolen the knowledge for. The boy was quiet, and did not make any further movement. Renji gave an almost inaudible sigh of relief when he reached the door to the boy's room. He carefully eased it open, and slipped stealthily inside. He peeled back the blankets on the boy's futon, and straightened the boy's clothes a little, before laying the boy down on the bed and pulling the covers back over him.
He had meant to leave immediately, but now he lingered. He lingered, and looked at the boy with soft eyes. He realized with a sudden jerk of movement what he was doing, and turned away violently, swiftly taking his leave of the room.
Unstoppable, unstoppable, unstoppable.
Dishonorable, dishonorable, dishonorable.
I'm so sorry, Hanatarou…