Chapter 2: Gandalf Tells the Pure Horrifying Truth
The strange girl continued to stay with them on Bilbo's invitation. Frodo, who had at first disliked her, no longer felt that way about her. Now he loathed her with a firey passion. He was sick of the dramatic, long winded, mysterious speeches. It was endlessly amusing to Bilbo, but he would be glad when they could get rid of her.
They learned that her name was Linwe, which she also (proudly) pointed out meant "poem." She then embarked upon a long lecture on how the name was given to her by a group of admirers who said that she was as "pretty as a poem", whatever that was supposed to mean.
The days seemed to drag on, but soon the day that Gandalf was supposed to show up arrived. Frodo, who had developed a twitch that kicked in at the mer thought of Linwe, ran from the house in rage and annoyance and headed for the woods to bang his head on a tree. He hoped it would distract him from the pain.
The sounds of a cart and the fall of horse's hooves pulled Frodo from his self-abuse. He waited on a rise next to the dirt road. When the old wizard passed under him, singing a song that was only put in the movie to make it seem like they were following the book more, the hobbit pounced.
Gandalf was surprised when the young hobbit landed in his lap and grabbed the collar of his gray robe. "YOU'RE LATE!" He screamed, shaking his old friend mercilessly.
When his head had stopped ringing, Gandalf looked at what seemed to be a very stressed out hobbit. "Something bothering you, Frodo?" He asked, pulling his hands away from his collar and sitting him next to him on the wagon.
"It's this GIRL!" Frodo ranted.
"Now, Frodo. This sort of thing is completely natural for a hobbit your age." The old wizard began, beginning to switch into lecture mode.
"No, that's not what I mean!" And for the rest of the ride home, he explained the current situation. Gandalf didn't seem at all happy about it either.
"Frodo, is this strange girl…well…perfect?" He asked finally, fearing the answer.
"Yes! But in a TERRIBLE EVIL WAY!" He exclaimed.
"This is what I feared. Frodo, we are plagued with a creature who's name is so vile that I will not speak it to your young ears. But we have another name to call them." The old wizard paused dramatically "Mary-Sues." Thunder rumbled and lightening clashed.
"That's odd. There isn't a cloud in the sky." Frodo said, looking up at said sky.
"That is the power of the Mary-Sue." Gandalf explained. Thunder rumbled and lightning clashed, again.
"Anyway, how do we rid ourselves of this menace?" Frodo asked pleadingly.
"I'm afraid we can't do anything. They can only come when something big is about to happen. If they manage to get here, they only leave when it's all over with. Hopefully, our luck will hold out and it won't involve us." Gandalf finished.
"I doubt it." The hobbit sighed and told him about the dramatic things she had said to them.
"This doesn't bode well." He admitted. The wizard did not look forward to meeting her.
"Well, I'm not going back to Bag End until I absolutely have to. I'm glad you're back." With that, Frodo jumped off the cart. "After all, better you then me!"
Gandalf arrived at Bag End, not looking forward to what was sure to be an annoying and exasperating meeting. He hesitantly stepped off of his cart, opened the gate, and walked to the door.
You could just turn away, Gandalf. You could turn around and go back to Gondor, or somewhere. You don't have to go through this a third time…
But inwardly, the old wizard knew that he would never be able to live with himself if he left the shire to this evil being's whims. He sighed. Then he knocked.
"No thank you! We don't want any more visitors, well wishers, distant relations, or beautiful women!" Came a familiar voice from within.
"And what about extremely powerful wizards who can shatter your door in a split second?" Oops. He was showing his bad mood. Shouldn't do that in front of Bilbo. A curly head pocked out the green door.
"Gandalf?" He opened the door wider and threw himself at his old friend, then tried to throttle him. "GANDALF! YOU'RE LATE!" Gandalf sighed. Was everyone going to greet him like this from now on? Of course, it was no different then the way Elrond had greeted him when a Mary-Sue had plagued HIM. Poor elf, he had been traumatized for life by the experience.
"I know the stress you are going through Bilbo. I too have been bothered by a Mary-Sue." (thunder rumbled and lightning crashed) "Twice before in fact." Bilbo looked at him, confused. "The girl. I'll explain later."
Going into the sitting room, the two discovered Linwe sitting by an open window. The sun shown about her, making her, once again, seem to glow. Outside the window, a large variety of wildlife leapt and danced.
"Greetings, Mithrandir Gandalf." She greeted in a voice he hated with a passion. It was hard work to keep his hands at his sides and not wrapped around her neck.
"I only need to be called one name." He informed her curtly.
"Beware, wizard. The one you call wise may have taken a path without wisdom. The path of evil." She said, the room, yes that's right once again, darkening. A shadow passed over her face.
"Yes, yes. Of course. We're all very impressed. Now, be gone vile creature, and trouble these peaceful people no more!" He said, trying to sound firm.
"Saruman-" She began, but was cut off.
"What on Middle-earth would you know about Saruman? Nothing." He said hastily.
"I know more they you think. For you see, he is my brother." Thunder rumbled ominously in the cloudless sky.
"That isn't possible. The Istari do not have siblings!" If the circumstances at the moment were not so stressful, he would have laughed. He supposed that if he couldn't get rid of her, he could find much amusement by asking her of her "numerous" relations. She would probably have the gall to say she was related to Manwe!
"I am also Manwe's daughter, wizard. You should watch what you say." She said gravely. Gandalf, personally, couldn't have said that about himself with laughing (or getting struck by lightening, depending on what mood the Lord of Air was in).
"First of all, that isn't possible either. The Valar are unable to have children. Second, stop calling me wizard. Just Gandalf. Not Mithrandir Gandalf either, just Gandalf." He said. Bilbo was watching the whole conversation from the side with interest.
"Very well, Mithrandir." She said. Gandalf reached for something to throw at her, but finding nothing, he sighed.
"Just go back to wherever you came from. I've dealt with as many of you as I'd ever like to again." He briefly considered just killing her. A rumble of thunder interrupted his thoughts. Oh, great! Manwe was laughing! He was actually ENJOYING this! That meant that he couldn't kill her! Depriving the Lord of Air of his source of amusement could have devastating effects. He groaned.
"I am here for a very important reason. I must stay and fulfill my destiny." She said.
"And what destiny would that be?"
That question was a mistake. She immediately launched into a long and dramatic speech that somehow involved the history of Middle-earth, the making of the rings of power, Sauron, six thousand dragons, and Valinor, and yet still made sense. Gandalf really had not clue how these things related to each other. He decided to keep his mouth shut. But when she was finally done, and the sky was growing dark (on it's own, this time), Bilbo opened his.
"If you're from a far away land, how do you know all of that?" He asked, completely missing Gandalf's furious head shaking. Too late.
It was well after dark when she finally finished the next speech.
"Now, I would like to go to bed. I am very weary." The annoyance said and exited the room. Her dress billowed out behind her as she walked. Gandalf wished she would trip on it.
"Don't ask questions! She will answer all of them in a similar manner!" The wizard scolded the old hobbit.
"Oh, yeah. And you have to get rid of the One Ring." He added as an afterthought.