A/N: This is the temporaly version of the chapter, Dana is betaing it as well and I want to compare it. So maybe I am going to change it in the next few days but the changes will be little, some words maybe. It has been a while with this story, but finally, the chapter is finito. I can promise you that one chapter and an epilogue will follow. Thanks for all your support. That means: Readers, Reviewers, Dana, Cybrokat, Sara Sidle Grissom and... everyone I forgot. :) Love you.

This chapter is dedicated to every Latin class I have taken in my life. It has improved my language so much. Thanks to my teachers, and Mr. Ovid. :)

Chapter 3

I wake up after a long time of sleep. The room is dark around me. Or no, I realize that I still haven't opened my eyes. I move my hand to the top of the sheets, my left hand to be specific, and squeeze my other arm. I feel warm, but not in a feverish way, just warm. I take that as a good sign and give myself a smile. Not that anyone will see it, but just to myself. I know that it would be better for me to fall asleep again. If I do, at least I don't have to think about... everything, I don't want to become aware of every thought I had again. And my head still feels heavy beacuse of the tiredness. So, as I think about it, sleep itself would be a very good idea. Though I know it won't solve anything: I can't sleep forever, I can't stay here for the rest of my life, until I'll die of age.

I know why I am here, and I don't want to be reminded or be honest to myself. I don't want to think, I don't want to talk, not to a shrink, not to a doctor and certainly not to a friend. I am alone, I can feel that. I don't hear a second breathing, no presence in this room. I want to open my eyes, I want to see the world around me. I don't feel the urge to sleep anymore, as long as I don't have to talk, I don't have to think. If I can focus on my vision, I can hide my fear, I can hide my thoughts. The absense of pain, at least the absense of the killing, all-destroying pain in my head, the pain that makes you want to crawl back in unconsciousness... It tells me that at least my body agrees with me. I am getting better, physically.

I slowly open my eyes, then blink and the world shapes from vague blotches to a clear picture. I haven't moved my head yet, I am looking to the white wall opposite of me. The fluorescent light above me is off, but the room is well-lit. I see a shadow on the wall, I think it's the shadow of a curtain or something like that. Bright sunlight is coming from the window on the left behind me. I turn my head away from the light, my eyes can't handle the brightness and I fear a headache coming on.

To be honest with myself, I actually feel good, physically at least. I don't want to think about the things that happened in the days behind me, I know that I have to come to terms with it sometime but not now. I want to lock the thoughts away as long as possible. I hear a sound and become aware of my own heartbeat. The beeps of the monitor behind me are calm, controlled and very regular. I smile, it gives me confirmation that I am not that sick anymore. I swallow, my mouth is dry. I feel strong enough to get out of my bed, to pour some water, maybe even to take a glimpse of the rest of the hospital.

My intuition tells me that I can't do anything with my right hand, it's better to leave it on the bed. When I look at it I know that I am right: an IV needle is connected to my skin, held by a taped band-aid. The fluid that drips into my veins is clear, I have no idea what it is but I have some feeling that it contains painkillers. I move my left hand to the mattress, place it on the elbow down to my hand and try to push my weight on it. Suddenly, my body feels very heavy, too heavy to lift. God, that hurts, I have no idea why it costs so much power. All my weight is focussed on my hand now. I can't take this anymore. My head feels dizzy, I start to loose contact with the world.

Must continue. Must stay awake.

I know I have to give it up. I let myself fall on the bed again. I feel miserable, why can't I do anything? Why does my body react the way it does? Why can't I just sit upright? Normally, I would be able to at least sit up. The only thing I can do now is lay down. I close my eyes and think. Think about the things I can do now. And every thought leads to the same: I must talk to him.

Everything will change. My thoughts I managed to push away, but when he comes, I would become fragile. I won't be able to hide my feelings, I won't be able to fool him that everything is fine and that all I did was a mistake. I was not able to fool Grissom, or Sara, or even the nurse. He knows me, so I know that it would be useless to even pretend that I am fine. I don't want to break down, but I know that, once I am crying, I won't stop anymore. Though I don't want people to see the vulnerable side of me. Not even now. I move my hand to the side of the bed, the side where the alarm button will be. I move my head so that I can see it. I place my index finger on the red button and hesitate. Some nasty voice in the back of my head makes me push it.

You need to talk sometime... the time is now.

Some time later, a nurse walks in the room. I look at her. She's very young, I think she hasn't even entered her twenties yet. She walks to me, comes closer to my bed and stays almost meter away from it.

"Everything alright with you?"

I nod, and in fact I am telling her the truth. Apart from the fact that I can't even sit upright, I am not really in pain, I can think, and all the monitors seem to be fine.

"Yeah. I... I actually want to see... I want to talk to Warrick."

My voice sounds a bit hoarse, I really could use something to drink. She looks at me and backs up. She walks to the sink, takes a glass out of the cupboard and pours the glass for me with water. She places it on the table next to my bed and takes a switch, connected to an electric wire. "Mind if I put the upper side of your bed a little higher? It's better for drinking..." Before I even answered her question, she started to lift me up.

My body is put in a 140 degree angle, and it feels good. I can look around, but still linger on my pillow. It just feels a little more human. The nurse hands me the glass and I start to drink quite quickly. When my glass is empty, I give the glass to her. "Thank you." She puts it on the sink and smiles to me. "I'm going to look for the guy you want to see..." She turns around and walks away.

Now the only thing I can do is prepare myself, though I have not a clue how. I just hope he will come quickly, because the more I think about it, the more upset I become. I already feel the tears burning behind my eyes, and I know they aren't there because of the physical pain. I close my eyes, waiting for him.

The door opens, I hear footsteps. They stop, and I feel that he's standing there, looking at me. I sigh and open my eyes and look at him. He is standing there, close to my bed, hands beside his body. He looks a little lost, almost defeated. I can feel that he doesn't know what to do, he's just standing there and I see that he's almost crying. I want him to come to me, caress my cheeks, hold me, telling me that everything is okay. The thing that a mother does with her child, the things my mother never did with me... Though I know that it is untrue, everything won't be okay, at least not now.

I swallow and realize that there are tears slipping on my cheeks too. I can't say anything at the moment, it's just too much. His hand moves to me, he touches the air like he's touching my aura. Then he comes over to me and settles down on the edge of the bed. He takes me by my shoulders, carefully and suddenly, he's holding me closely in his arms. I burry myself into his chest, sobbing. I can hear his heartbeat, and in some way it calms me down. He's soothing me, whispering things I can't understand. Stroking my hair with his hands, it feels like he'll never let me go, ever again. I feel a little safer, and my unabashed crying softens a little. He holds me like this, my skin on his shirt. His warmth surrounding me. I don't know about the time, but it feels like forever.

By the time he lets me go, he still holds my hand tight between his own. He caresses my skin and I grab his fingers closely. They are my only hold. I look at the sheet of my bed, unable to look at his face. I feel that the lump in my throat is coming again and that I probably will be crying again, uncontrolable.

"I'm so glad you're okay... I thought that you were dead... I'm so glad that you're still here..."

Things like this he says to me, in whispers, between his sobs, and that makes me cry even more. I have been so selfish, and now I know that he really cares about me. I bend my head down.

"I'm so sorry..."

I burst it out and hold my breath to control my breathing. He kisses my cheek, with great care. I really don't know why he is so sweet right now, he should be mad, he should never forgive me. Instead of anger, he holds me, cries... He even doesn't seem disappointed. It should calm me down, I know that that's his intention, but in fact, it upsets me even more. I bite on my lip.

"Shh, Cath, it's okay... it's okay... don't think about it now. It's okay..."

I want to believe it, oh, how I wish I could just nod and believe that it's fine. But I just can't take it anymore, I don't want to pretend, I don't want to hold the facade. And I know that it's not okay. I move my gaze to him and with tears in my eyes, I look at him. My eyes catch his. "No... it's not okay." I shake my head to show him how I feel. He squeezes my hand, moves his fingers though mine and looks at me. Comfort-smile.

"Cath? You need to know... whatever you did... I am not mad at you."

Silence. Deep silence. I really don't know what to say, but I figure that if I tried, I couldn't: my throat is choked with tears. He's not mad at me... I really don't know why. I think this reaction is even worse that Gil's... Gil was disappointed...but honest. And right. I have no idea why Warrick tells me these things. Does he say it because he means it... or because he wants to comfort me? I can't ask him right now and I don't want to think about it if I am honest to myself.

Lindsey... where is she? Is she alright? Is she back? Is she here too? I want to see her, I desperately want to hold her in my arms, even if it was only for one minute. I swallow my tears down again and face him. My lips form her name, I don't have the strength to speak.

He holds my face in his right hand, dries my tears with his fingers. I close my eyes and he kisses my eyelids carefully. He moves with his hand through my hair, cautiously avoiding the bandage around my head, and sits back, looking for my hand. He caresses the skin and holds my fingers in his hands. He shakes his head really slowly.

"Cath, I don't think it's a good idea for you to see her now. You're still pretty sick, I don't think it's good for you. I don't want to upset you."

Upset me? Does he think I am not upset enough? Lindsey would make me feel better, absolutely, he should know it, and I think he does. Why is he keeping her away from me? Oh God... she's mad at me... She read the letter, she thinks... she will think... oh my. She'll think it was because of her, because the fact that she ran away. But that's not it! That's not true!

Is she here? Grissom hinted that Warrick was here, but... he didn't refer to her. Oh damn... what if she's still missing? What if... what if she ran away to... what if she isn't in Vegas anymore! I... I really don't think I can survive without her... I just need to see her, it's not just a longing anymore. I need to. I look at him, and make eye contact.

"Is... is she here?"

He silences for quite some time, looking away from me. That's not a good sign, is it? What if... what if he doesn't know it either? What if... what if she is dead? That thought makes me sick, the image of Lindsey, lying in a cold, dark morgue. I breathe in, heavily and hold my breath. My head feels really light now. I close my eyes. Flashes of light, in my head. When I try to open them again, they feel so heavy, like the eyelids are glued to the underside. I want to lift my head, but I can't. My whole body feels pressed down to the mattress. Suddenly, everything is dark again.

Face touching. Something warm on my face. That's the first thought I have. I hear a moan. Oh, that must have been me...

"Catherine...?"

I hear a voice, saying my name. So far away, I am not sure that I heard it correctly. I try to ignore it.

"Catherine!"

The voice comes closer, but I don't want to listen, I want to keep my eyes closed. I just want to be unconscious, so tired... so damn tired. I frown, hoping the person will get the sign.

"Cath, you're awake? Come on girl, look at me. Please Cath, look at me."

Is that... Warrick? Suddenly I realize where I am. Hospital. Having a conversation with him, rudely interrupted by... I don't know. I just know that I feal so heavy, so tired. I want to lift my hand but I can't. I open my eyes, just to stare

"Oh, thank God... you're awake..."

His index finger caresses my chin, softly but not ticklish. I clear my throat and a cough escapes from my mouth. I am lying down again, not upright but fully stretched. My eyes quickly move around the room. It's empty, except for him.

What the hell happened?

"I... what happened?" My voice is quivering, trembling. He places a kiss on my cheek. "Honey, you fainted... I think it's better for you to sleep now, this is all too much for you at this moment. I will stay here until you're asleep and then I'll leave. Okay?"

Leave me? Please... no leaving. I don't want to be alone... I... am scared. My thoughts return. Lindsey... I still don't know where she is...

"But... Lindsey..." I will never be able to sleep if I don't know where she is... I have to know if she's fine... or not.

"Is at Greg's place. Long and complicated story, but when we found out that... well, that you were here, Nick and Greg started looking for her. And they found her. She... she knows what happened to you, she's very upset. I don't think she's ready to see you... but she's coming as soon as possible. She's fine, Cath, she's fine. Now please... sleep, because that's what's the best for you..."

I am not ready to sleep, at least not mentally. I have no peace of mind, I will never be able to sleep, not yet. I open my eyes fully and look at him. I want to convince him that I can't, that I haven't found ease yet. "But-"

"Cath, please. We'll talk later, okay? We have time, just please, do what's best for you."

I want to protest, but it doesn't work: I am too tired. I nod and close my eyes. I hear him, so I open my eyes again. He has taken the chair from the corner and sits on it. He takes my hand and caresses it. He's not looking at me, I think he's staring and thinking. He makes me feel safe. I close my eyes and fall asleep.

I wake up harshly, cold and hot at the same time. My breathing sticks in my throat. My heart is beating so fast, I don't only hear it with the tones of the monitor but I feel it too.

I'm scared. I know what happened... dreaming, I went through all of it again, and I will go through it again and again... and again. It was almost like I was looking from a downward angle on myself... I was burning my skin again. Looking onto myself, I could feel my skin burning again. I wanted to stop myself, but I couldn't, I just couldn't come closer to me.

Shortly after, I was standing on the graveyard, looking at my own grave. Next to my grave was his. I know that, floating on the sky, I was not afraid, I actually felt relieved. Until that moment... until the moment that I saw her, lingering at my tombstone. She was totally dressed in black. I knew that it was my daughter. She had been crying and I knew that she still was.

For one moment I thought I was dead, looking at my own child, moarning at the loss of her mother. Where would she go? Who is left for her, to catch her, to... love her? But my angelic self just smiling at her.

Black.

Then, I was lying in my hospital bed again. I was conscious, I could hear everything, only my eyes were closed, for some reason I couldn't open them. Everything the doctors said I heard. Suddenly, he was there, standing at my bedside. He... told the doctor that it was hopeless, that he wanted to give me up. Warrick Brown told the doctor that he lost hope. I wanted to scream at him, I wanted to shake him, tell him that I wasn't dead, but he just stood there and... then the machines stopped. One monotome beep and I was gone. Away for good.

And now I am awake, that's what I think. I don't think I am dead, but suddenly I realize how close I have been. How easily I could have died. My lips start to shake, I don't want it but it happens. And I am so cold... cold sweat is present on my forehead, and on the shirt I am wearing. I breathe heavily to make the fear go away. In out, in out, in out.

Suddenly, I feel a hand on my shoulder. And an embrace, two hands lifting me from my pillow and pressing me close to himself. Someone is holding me tight... and I start to cry against the shoulder. "Sh... just cry, please cry... it's okay now. It was just a dream, you're safe now. You're safe..." He stayed? He stayed at my bedside until I woke up? I linger against his shirt, wetting it with my tears. Every thought floods through my mind and I just know one thing: I need to talk to him. If I don't, I will stay this way forever...

I lift my head and look at him through the tears. "I wanna talk..." I can only whisper.

He nods at me. I think about what to say, how to explain all of this. I know that I can't, I know that I should have searched for help, that all of this shouldn't have happened. That it was wrong what I did. On the other hand, I didn't know what to do anymore. I hope that at least he understands it, that... I don't know what I want, partly I want to be accepted, partly I don't want it. I just want to talk, explain myself.

"I just... I was... I didn't know what to do anymore... I... lost you and I couldn't handle that. It was all my fault, I... I am... was your supervisor and... I should never have done such things, I... am responsible for all this and I am so sorry... so sorry..." One single tear slides over my face. He touches my cheek and slips the tear away with his thumb.

"And then I saw you, using... damnit Warrick, I saw you, at the back of the... you were using drugs. I saw you, with that needle... I didn't know what to do... I was looking for you, I went to your apartment, it was a mess. You don't know how much I cried in those days... you can't imagine... But I didn't care, I wanted to see you... I wanted to talk to you, say you that I was so sorry... I still wanted you... only to hold me, to comfort me. When I passed you in that hallway... you didn't even look at me. You just pretended that I wasn't there... I felt so... empty... so empty..."

His hand lays on my shoulder and warms it. It slowly caresses down to my hand. He's quiet, and I appreciate that. I clear my throat and continue.

"When... when I realized what I had done... I didn't know what to do anymore. It all seemed so dark, and I couldn't solve it. I know I should have talked to someone, I shouldn't have done this but when... when she... when Lindsey ran away... I just didn't know what to do anymore. I was desperate... I searched everywhere, at her friends, in the city... just everywhere, but she was not there. She didn't answer her cell phone... she was gone..."

He's watching me, almost observing. I can't look in his eyes, I don't want to know what they tell me. I think he's disappointed, if not more. I turn my head to the other side, I don't want to face him, and with my head turned, I can't. I mutter to the white wall I see.

"I am so sorry... I have been so selfish, I didn't know, I shouldn't have done it, I should have thought about... you... my daughter... but I just couldn't... I didn't know, but I want you to know... that... I am so sorry..."

There. I have said it all. Now he knows the story, he knows how I feel. I can only hope that he takes it well. I so hope that he will break the silence. I don't want to hear a speech like Grissom again, I know it. I know that what I have done is wrong. And I hope he knows that I know.

"Cath... I don't blame you. I..." Do I hear tears in his voice? "I just was so scared, I was so afraid when Sara called me. I stayed at Nick's place until I was ready to talk to you. I felt so guilty and I still feel it. I should have contacted you earlier, I should have come to you. But... I don't know why. I shouldn't have ran away, I am so sorry. I'm sorry for what I have done, I shouldn't have walked away, I shouldn't have started using drugs. I shouldn't have taken that OD. But I can't change time. You just have to know that... I am not angry, I will... love you, no matter what you do, no matter what you say."

"Don't say that..." Now I am really crying. Why is he so damn sweet to me? Why? And why does he still love me? I don't want to... or maybe I do but I just can't understand it. I can't understand why he still loves me, and I don't want him to tell me lies. He moves to the other side and kneels down at my bed. With his hand on my unlaid pillow, he kisses my nose. "Shhh... you can cry... if you want to."

And I do. For the first time I really let my tears flow. He holds my hand in both of his hands, and lets me cry. For the rest of the time, I don't think at all, I just cry.

After I feel better, I look up at him and my eyes meet his. I give him a smile. He doesn't smile back, he just looks at me sincerely. "Please... don't scare me again. Promise me that you won't do such thing again. Please."

I want to tell him that I won't, that everything is going to be fine. But I can't. I can't say such things. I can't promise him that I won't do it again. I swallow and look at his hands. His hands that are on my bed. "I... I can't promise."

He makes me look at him, with his index finger under my chin. He shakes his head. "Cath, you can. Promise me that you won't do it again. Please..."

I can't look into his eyes, I just can't face him. With my eyes closed, I nod. "I'll try."

I feel that it's not enough. I don't see him, but I feel that he's shaking his head. I get confirmation soon. "No, don't try. Promise me. Please..." His voice sounds weak, for the first time I hear that he's really broken. I hurt him. A tear slips down my temple to my bedsheet. Drip. I don't want to cry, I try to hold the burning tears where they belong.

Suddenly, I realize that all these weeks... it's not what I want. I really want to live, to love. To be loved. And then, I realize that I can promise him. "I... I promise you... if you stay with me... please..."

I can do it, with him. I open my eyes and see that he's smiling at me. He doesn't say anything, but I can feel that he's... relieved. Maybe even happy in some way. I smile back at him. He moves forward, still sitting on his knees, and kisses me. On my mouth, softly, not close to the kisses we used to share. But I know that this means so much more. His lips move away from mine. He stands up and looks at me. "I'm going to get Lindsey... if you still want to see her. You can get some rest. I'll be back very soon. Okay?"

Now I have said it, I can be alone again without being afraid. I nod. He walks away without looking back to me. I close my eyes and try to get some rest before my daughter comes in.

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