Part 5

When you are Dean of Medicine at a major teaching hospital it is relatively easy to 'hide' in your office, to avoid people and situations, without doing anything so obvious as make it look as though that is your intention. This is something Cuddy ruthlessly exploits for the next two days, using budgets, contracts and the sheer volume of her day to day work as an excuse not to face James, or deal with the continued presence of Professor Dean in the hospital.

In the depths of her sleepless nights she is prepared to concede that the 'moment' with Wilson took her by surprise. But she knows she is too old and and far too wary to get caught in the midst of a disintegrating marriage and so, as far as she is concerned emotional vulnerability made her, almost, do something incredibly foolish. It is not a mistake she has any plans to, almost, make again.

The cause of that uncharacteristic vulnerability rankles still – but there is little she can do to change the situation. She would like House to pull off one of his miracles, she would like him to restore Julia to health and send her on her way – but the Doctor in her knows this is an unlikely outcome and that it would be foolhardy of her to expect such a resolution.

She is still receiving regular updates – now from Cameron – who delivers the medical information without anything bordering on conversation. Cameron's reluctance to look her in the eye causes Cuddy to wonder if it is her treatment of Professor Dean, or the rumour of her affair with the patient's husband that the younger doctor is finding so unpalatable. But she isn't going to ask, because that would be undignified and because, as it turns out, she isn't particularly interested in what other people think of her behaviour – or at least in what Dr Cameron thinks of her.

There are some things however, that can't be hidden from. Clinic duty is such a central element of what she imposes on her Doctors that she knows it would be hypocritical of her to skip it herself. She also recognises that the clinic is an unlikely place to find House – which makes it an appealing destination on those occasions when she is trying to stay out of his way.

She is part of the way through an examination when her pager goes off. It is a typical House summons, a dramatic and terse, 'get here now,' and while she might question every other element of his behaviour, experience has taught her to ignore him at moments such as this at her peril.

The last time she'd spoken to Cameron she'd said that they'd found a problem with the liver function which they hoped could be resolved – in order to give Wilson any hope of treating the lymphoma. The urgent request for her presence can only be because some element of that strategy has gone awry.

She refuses to run to the elevator – but her walk is brisk and it is all she can do not to tap her foot in impatience as it sedately rises three floors. It doesn't occur to her until it is far too late that she could just sit in her office and wait for news. And even when it does occur to her she knows it is not really an option, because he wouldn't have paged her if it wasn't an emergency.

She is out of the elevator before the doors are completely open and her progress along the corridor is rapid. When she sees House leaning against the wall outside Julia's room she opens her mouth to ask what the hell is going on. But words suddenly become redundant as Chase, Cameron and Foreman emerge from the room – followed, at last, by Wilson.

She's seen such body language hundreds of times before, lived through this moment herself more times than she can recall, recognises the defeat on their faces, in the way they hold themselves. She doesn't need to watch Wilson angrily pull off his surgical gown to know that the worse has happened. And then they see her.

In some distant part of her brain she acknowledges that they must be struggling with her dual role in this – she is one of their colleagues, but she also knows the patient and her family. She understands the complex calculations that they undertake before they can work out just how to treat her in this moment.

Suddenly none of them are keen to look her in the eye, although House makes a surprisingly decent attempt at it. Beside him Foreman is talking about the heart not being able to stand both sets of treatment, about how weak she was to start with – but she is only peripherally aware of this. Her brain is still processing the incredible fact that Julia Dean is dead, that her heart does not beat, that there is no breath in her body. After so many years spent viewing her only with anger and disappointment she is more than a little unsettled to realise that she has no idea how to feel, what to feel. And House is still looking at her, his gaze far too penetrating, making her feel disturbingly exposed. In the next couple of seconds she realises why, realises what he is waiting for.

'Where is he?'

'Waiting room.' The silence stretches and she knows what he is expecting her to say. When it seems that he has decided that she is not going to volunteer to undertake this final task he says quietly, 'Cameron – go and talk to the husband.' She wants to defend her cowardice, tell them that no one could ask this of her – but of course they have no idea what it is they are asking.

'Dr Cameron,' her voice is steady and her step decisive, 'I'll do it.'

'Lisa…' James' voice is soft, his presence neither a comfort nor a distraction – she knows he is about to give her an out – but she can't allow him to, not when House is still watching her, looking for flaws and evidence of weakness.

'Its all right, I can do this.'

As she reaches the waiting room, Benjamin stands to meet her and the moments that follow will remain with her for a long time. Hope and despair are etched on his face in equal measure and as he meets her eyes it is hope that fades. 'Dr Cuddy?' She is grateful to him for the use of her title – and then thinks how absurd it is to be gratefulto someone who you are just about to give devastating news to.

'I'm very sorry, she was just so weak. I am afraid we lost her.'

'No,' she steps towards him, touching his arm to provide reassurance even though she knows he can't be comforted or reassured. Unbidden an image arises of a much younger version of herself having this conversation with parents of a child they have just lost. In her memory Julia is there as well, is in fact doing most of the talking – but she isn't sure anymore how reliable that version of events is.

'I don't know what I am going to do, I don't know…' Benjamin's voice breaks and he turns to her, leaning into the embrace she is barely conscious of offering. His tears are quiet, almost self-contained, as though he knows she can not share them and does not want to impose upon her.

She pats his shoulder awkwardly and then looks up to find House watching the tableau with an expression she is all to familiar with. As she meets his eyes she recognises the challenge in that ironic gaze – he is intent on finding the solution to the puzzle, he won't stop until he does and anyone who tries to stand in his way had better be prepared for the consequences.