(A/N: Happy Easter, and all that. I hope you all drew obscene pictures on your eggs, binged on chocolate and decapitated many a butter lamb. Adios, cabalerros! Your Duchess)
Chapter Two: Lock Up Your Things, You'll Be Robbed
Remus Lupin was walking back to the cardboard box he called home, gazing down fondly at the bar of chocolate he was holding with both hands. "Who's a pretty bar of chocolate?" he cooed, "Who's covered in shiny, shiny foil? You are! You are!" He had just come to the corner of the field of turnips where his box was located, when an ominous shadow fell across his path. He stopped immediately, wondering why there was suddenly very camp flamenco music playing in a turnip field, and tentatively looked up.
There was a man in rather compelling thigh-high boots standing between him and home. He had oddly familiar looking blond hair, but, as he was wearing a mask, Lupin couldn't tell who it was. "Ha! Ha! Ha!" the man said. "If it isn't El Lupin!"
"No, it isn't," Lupin said earnestly, staring at the man's boots, "I'm R. Lupin. Sorry, you appear to have mistaken me for someone else." He was about to continue his walk, when he noticed that the man hadn't budged.
"Ha! Still a joker, eh, El Lupin. But then, you always did like your little jokes, didn't you?" The man said, wrapping his cape around him so that it fluttered more in the weak breeze.
"Er, yes, I do enjoy a good joke," Lupin said, confused.
"Ah yes," the man said, taking out a sword, "and there are so many other things you also enjoy, aren't there? Such as…" he made a few quick and difficult to follow movements with the sword, and finally made the very tip of it touch the bar of chocolate Lupin was still holding tightly. "…torturing innocent bars of cocoa-flavoured confectionary!" The flamenco music blared significantly louder at these words.
"Cocoa-fla… what?" Lupin said, confused.
"Ha!" the man exclaimed so loudly it made Lupin jump, "Don't act innocent with me, El Lupin! Confess that you were about to drag this delicious chunk of crunchy goodness back to your secret lair, in order to chew upon it for so long a duration of time that you could absorb every last drop of its sweet, sweet chocolatey lifeblood- in short, that you intended to consume it?"
"Well… er…" Lupin said, not denying that that was exactly what he was planning to do, but thinking that admitting it would probably not result in anything good, "…maybe."
"Then I have bad news for you, El Lupin!" the man boomed out, gesturing wildly, "For, as long as Don L., grandson of Zorro, roams the plains of rural England, he shall not stand by, and allow innocent sweets to be murdered for the pleasure of the oppressor!" With a few swift movements, he had pried the chocolate from Lupin's hands with his sword, and caught it himself.
He gazed down at it in an over-romantic manner, while the sky coloured a sentimental dusk red above him. "But it's four in the afternoon!" exclaimed Lupin, looking up.
"It's romantic, you idiot," the masked man said to him.
"It's not, and that chocolate is mine!" Lupin said, taking out his wand, planning to sic an Accio on the chocolate if it wasn't returned to him instantly, "Could you give it back to me, please?"
"Sorry, El Lupin, but this is one battle you won't win!" the man declared triumphantly, and before Lupin realised what had happened, he had slashed a clumsy 'L' in the latter's moustache and disappeared.