(A/N: Sorry for mixing the names Lucius/Don L, but the focus on Snape demanded it, I feel. Feel free to ignore it if you find it annoying. Well, insert witty comment/innuendo/brain-meltingly stupid remark here. Yours truly, your slightly overworked and haggard Duchess)

Chapter 4: He'll Go Looking For Your Favourite Pet, Olé

Severus Snape was humming a merry tune-or rather, growling a-melodically, but humming a merry tune sounds better- as he pickled jar after jar of kitten's heads. He was already feeling giddy at the thought of how the six years students would look at having to put kitten's heads in their potions tomorrow. 'Ah,' he thought, 'sometimes being a teacher is not so bad after all.'

He was just putting the lid on jar number six, when an ear-splitting screeching sound filled the room. He cringed. The noise was so loud, and so terrible, that he feared the jars would crack, and so he quickly conjured some earplugs, then walked around his office, trying to hear from where it was coming.

As he passed the open window, the sound became distinctly louder. He peered up through it, thinking perhaps Professor Sprout was harvesting mandrakes again. But no. The only thing he could see through the window were two very familiar-looking boots with Cuban heels. "Lucius!" he hissed, and, having pushed the window further open, climbed through it onto the Hogwarts grounds.

"Lucius!" he said, straightening up, "What in the name of…" He forgot to finish his sentence, so stunned was he by what he saw. Lucius, dressed up in that silly Muggle costume he had been sporting of late, was standing outside the open dungeon window, a violin suspended in mid air before him, which he was playing, or rather, torturing, with his wand. Lucius appeared not to notice him, and continued to play, his eyes closed in bliss. "LUCIUS! Snape said. "Stop that this instant!" Lucius opened his eyes, and at the sight of Snape, let the violin drop to the floor, and fell to his knees.

"Severus! You have come to me!" he declared, gazing up at Snape fondly.

"Quite." Snape said, taking out his earplugs. "Thank Merlin you stopped playing that violin. I thought it was going to give me a brain haemorrhage. Now what are you doing here, and why are you still wearing… that?" He made vague arm movements in the general direction of Lucius, trying not to look at his tight trousers too much.

"Oh Severus! I knew that serenade would work! At last, you are mine!" Lucius said, wrapping his arms around Snape's knees.

"What are you talking about? I'm not yours, I only came out here to make you stop that infernal noise." Snape said, irritated, and looking at Lucius with an expression of disgust. He unwrapped Lucius' arms, and took a step back. "Now please go away. Don't you have a home to go to, for Merlin's sake?"

"I could not rest until I had declared you my undying love," Lucius said, rising again. "and until you knew the true identity of your beloved Don L."

"Stop that babbling," Snape said, frowning, "I know exactly who you are. And who's Don L?"

"I'm Don L., you dolt." Lucius snapped, for a moment forgetting his romantic air.

"I don't have time for this," Snape said, turning around, "I have classes to prepare." He was about to walk off, when he was suddenly grabbed by the waist and swung around.

"You're not going anywhere!" Lucius said, "I am going to reveal my identity to you, and declare you my love, and it's going to be romantic, whether you want it to or not!" He swept Snape up and into a passionate embrace.

Snape grumbled in protest, his voice smothered in Lucius' cape, and he tried to worm his hand free and find his wand. He had to get out of this, and soon. Then, he was suddenly released, and fell to the ground. "Aargh!" He looked up, to the traumatising sight of Lupin in an outfit disturbingly similar to that of Lucius. "LUPIN!"

"El Lupin to you!" Lupin said.

"El Lupin?" Snape snorted derisively. "Now there's a name that's going to strike fear into the hearts of men. And why is the theme from Winnetou and his friend Old Firehand playing?" El Lupin opened his mouth to reply, but was checked by Lucius' sword against his throat.

"Halt, scoundrel!" the heroic Don L. said. "Stay away from him, or you shall have my blade to answer to!"

"Ha!" El Lupin said, "Your blade is about as deadly as an uncooked tortilla!" He took out his own sword, and a thrilling swordfight ensued, interrupting every now and again by witty one-liners. Snape took his chance to sneak away, but he had only just gotten his legs through the dungeon window, when he was being dragged out again by El Lupin.

"Let me go or I'll…" Snape started, but El Lupin wasted no time in conjuring a gag over his mouth.

"Ha! Ha! Ha!" El Lupin laughed evilly, "Now that I have kidnapped the object of his affections, Don L shall do anything I want!"

"Hmmpfff hmmpff!" said Snape angrily, and pushed El Lupin away.

"Hey, you're not supposed to escape!" El Lupin said, lunging at Snape. But Don L, recovered from El Lupin's fatal poke in the arm (which had nearly caused a bruise), suddenly appeared between the two. Rapid as lightning, and with the grace of the wild mustang, he took off one of his gloves, and slapped El Lupin in the face with it.

"I challenge you to a duel!" Don L said. "For my beloved's honour and love!" Snape, who had freed himself from El Lupin's gag, snorted.

"You are both imbeciles! I don't have any honour, nor do I possess any love. If you'll excuse me, I have a life." he said, and wandered off to get a drink.

"I accept!" El Lupin said, ignoring Snape's departure. "I expect you to state your terms on this exact spot, tomorrow at noon."

"Very well!" Don L answered, putting his glove back on. Then the two desperadoes draped their capes around themselves, nodded haughtily at each other, and walked off into opposite directions.

(A/N: Uh oh… a duel! How bodice-splittingly exciting. My corset is already falling open from sheer curiosity. What shall be their weapons? Who shall win? What will Snape do? Ah, the questions! Some of them will be answered in the next chapter. If I feel like it.)