(A/N: There is no need for an author's note, but the story just felt so naked without one. And then it made me feel guilty, and slightly perverted, so I finally gave in and wrote one. Oh yes, I have forbidden myself to write anything until I've finished my essays, so updating could take a year or so. Argh. If anyone has any tips on comparing satire in Dickens and Wilde, or expert knowledge on cyberfeminism, they are at liberty to write my essays for me.)
Chapter 5: He Will Hold Up, Stab, Or Shoot You, So That He Can Get It In
It was a warm afternoon, and in a field in southern England, two men approached each other on top of a low hill. They stood opposite one another at about two feet's distance, an expression of stubborn pride on their faces. They remained in this position for a while, until one of them looked to his right, clearing his throat noisily. Nothing happened. He hissed "Severus!" very loudly, and returned to his former posture.
After a few seconds, a third man, this being Severus Snape, entered the scene, climbing up the hill slowly and with reluctance. When he arrived at the top, he sighed, glared at the others, and then stared into the distance, looking very displeased. "Alright, let's get this over with as soon as possible." He said. "You can choose the weapons, Lucius…"
The blondest of the two other men growled "It's Don L!" at Snape. Snape raised an eyebrow.
"Alright, Don L… Even though you challenged Lu… er, El Lupin, everyone knows I severely dislike El Lupin, so I'm willing to give you an advantage. You can choose the weapons." Don L stuck out his tongue at El Lupin, who huffed. "Get on with it!" Snape added impatiently. "I'm giving Longbottom detention at five, and I do not intend to miss it."
"First, we must toast!" Don L said, striking a pose and grinning wildly as though he had just done something exceedingly clever.
"Toast?" Snape asked. "What on earth for?"
"For a successful and pleasurable duel, of course," Don L said, still grinning, his teeth glittering in the sunlight.
Snape stared at him for a moment. "Merlin's beard…" he said, and very boredly conjured up a bottle of wine and two goblets. "Suit yourself." He poured the wine, and handed the goblet to Don L.
"To you, El Lupin, that you may be a worthy opponent, and to you, dear Severus, the light of my life." Lucius raised his glass at both, and then took a couple of gulps of the wine. "Your turn, El Lupin." He then said, handing the goblet to El Lupin.
El Lupin eyed the goblet distrustfully. "How do I know this isn't poisoned?" he said.
"Why, you just saw me drink from the very same goblet, El Lupin! Do you mistrust your own eyes? Ha! Ha! Ha!" Don L laughed in a very artificial manner, looking superior.
El Lupin looked at Snape, who shrugged again.
"I can't disagree with him." He said. "I didn't see him tamper with it." After a slight pause, El Lupin took the goblet from Don L., and very slowly and hesitantly took a sip from it. And another. Then he gave the goblet back to Snape.
"Haha!" Don L immediately cried, pointing at El Lupin with a gloved finger, "That wine contained a very deadly poison! I put it in while I was making the toast, and you did not notice! You see, I am immune to it, and drinking from it did not affect me, while you are now being weakened and probably already dying as we speak!" He put his hands on his hips and laughed diabolically.
"What do you mean?" El Lupin said. "I drank lemonade." Don L's stopped laughing abruptly, and looked at the ground.
"Argh! Not again! I always mix up the Inserumentus and Inlemonadus spells…" he said.