(A/N : I'm afraid this chapter makes no sense at all. But that's just too bad. I would like to grasp this opportunity to pimp to you the new series of Far Too Numerous Antics Of Lucius Malfoy that shall appear on this very website tomorrow night. Do wander over and cop a feel. Also, everyone should watch TheBig Lebowski, and keep an eye out for Jésus, who is the most Don L-like character I've ever seen. This one's for you, Jésus.)

Chapter 6: Hasta Mañana, Monsieur

On the Hogwarts grounds, two men were fighting. They had been doing so for nearly an hour. A crowd of students was standing at a safe distance, and among them a group of teachers. Professor Dumbledore was looking on, intrigued, eating peppermint frogs from a small box at an alarming pace. Professor Snape was standing next to him, frowning severely. Every now and again he grimaced in disgust. Or rather, embarrassment.

"I don't see why you dragged me out of my third-year Potions class for this, Albus." he said.

"Now, Severus," Dumbledore said, getting another box of sweets from his robe pocket, "you know why I had to bring you here. After all, the person who's the prize of the duel has to be the judge." He stuffed two blood lollipops into his mouth.

"I am not the prize!" Snape snarled. "I'm an autonomous person. And apart from that, I have nothing to do with either of these degenerates." Behind them, McGonagall snorted. "I heard that, Minerva." Snape added in a low voice.

"Oh, sorry, I have a cold." McGonagall said, the corners of her mouth twitching as though fighting back a smile. Snape turned and glared at her. "However, I am also quite sure of the fact that Don L threw you a rose at the start of the duel, and told you that, in case he should die, it would be for you." Snape glared, but did not protest. "Furthermore, he declared you his love by singing "There Is A Nose At Spanish Hogwarts", and whispering in the ears of every single person in the vicinities that he loved you with the ruthless passion of a herd of stampeding bulls." Snape mumbled something incomprehensible, and turned back to look at the fight.

Don L. was currently pulling El Lupin's hair, while El Lupin was trying to stamp on Don L.'s foot. Don L. accidentally pulled a tuft of greying hair clean out, releasing El Lupin, who fell to the floor, and immediately grabbed Don L's boot, trying to floor him. Instead, he pulled down the zipper, revealing Don L.'s beautiful, shapely calf- and pink Miffy socks.

"Haha!" El Lupin said triumphantly. "I have discovered your dark secret, Don L.! You wear… Miffy socks!" Don L. wailed in a pained way.

"No! I am undone!" he cried, and fell to the floor. "You have discovered my weakness! My shameful secret! My DOOM!" He writhed for a moment or two, sentimental music suddenly playing in the background. Then he crawled over to where Snape was standing. Snape recoiled slightly, bumping into McGonagall.

"Oh, Severus!" Don L howled, "I am sorry. I must surrender. An awful trick has been played on me, my love, I must give up." Stifling a fake sob, he disapparated. Snape cleared his throat.

"Well, El Lupin…" he said to El Lupin, who was coming towards him. El Lupin checked him with a curt gesture.

"I have won the duel, Snape," he said. "You are mine! I shall finally avenge myself… and…" his eyes filled with tears, ".. my precious chocolate… upon that vile beast Don L!" El Lupin raised a fist at these last words. The sky suddenly turned a dramatic stormy grey.

"Aha. Actually, no, you won't avenge yourself, and no, I am not yours." Snape said to El Lupin, not at all impressed by his theatrics. "Or… I shall have to tell everyone here that you wear Hello Kitty socks. In a girl's size." El Lupin gasped, his eyes widening.

"Who told you that?" he wheezed. "I… er… you have no proof!" But he promptly disapparated.

Snape walked back to the castle feeling quite pleased with himself, and also thinking it was a good thing nobody knew of the Tinkerbell tights he kept stashed in the bottom drawer of his wardrobe, and, very wisely, only wore on holidays.