Flying Valentines' Day!
Well, this is your sickly disgusted reporter Sirius Black, here with yet another story of love at Hogwarts. This week marks Valentine's Day (retch), that over-advertised, over-rated holiday that requires all decent men get off their lazy butts and go buy presents for their girlfriends. But come on girls! We're men! We have no idea what girls want for Valentine's Day.
Not unless you're Sirius Black, that is! Here to help you with your last-minute Valentine Gift woes is the master of women psychology. Women always want people to buy them things, and traditional gifts are flowers and chocolates. Well boys, flowers are romantic and heart-warming and chocolates say 'You're anorexic,' but JEWELRY is the gift to give. In the words of James: 'Girls don't like boys! Girls like brooms and galleons' with a dazzling Quidditch-Captain smile, off to buy gifts galore for his own crush.
But Lily just proves our case. After a boquet of twelve dozen roses was delivered to her room and promptly torn into shreds and thrown all over the floor of the dorm room, James tried again with fifteen lilies and a box of Honeyduke's best chocolate. And Lily again ripped up the flowers and, in the words of her dorm mates: "sat around staring broodingly at the chocolate, then began attacking it like it was James's head, muttering scary things under her breath the whole time."
See? The gift of the season is jewelry. Earrings are all the rage right now among girls--they're trendy and flirty without being too serious. Rings shout: 'COMMITMENT' and necklaces invite something more intimate. Bracelets are out of it unless you're dating a Goth, which case I'd be advising you against buying anything at all.
But what if you really don't like your girlfriend? What if you have a crush who might not be intersted? Valentine's Day is the perfect time for any of these--if you don't like your girlfriend, don't send her anything. If she still doesn't get the message, give her some Ear-Shrinking Earmuffs to seal the bargain and I guarantee that she'll dump you. Got a crush? Send them notes anonymously--be subtle and shy yet flirty and and sweet. Girls love the sensitive-thing.
This has been Sirius Black with the Gryffindor Oracle. Tune in next time to watch me get my head ripped off by hundreds of angry Gryffindor girls!
Hogwarts students have problems, from O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s to boy/girl relationships to Potions homework. To help Gryffindor students with their problems, you can...
Ask Moony
Dear Moony,
I like this guy, but this guy likes this girl, but this girl likes
another guy, and this guy likes this other girl, and that girl likes
this other guy, but that guy likes some other girl, and that girl
likes another guy, and that guy likes another girl, but that girl
likes this other guy, but that guy likes me. What should I do?
-Complicated
Dear Complicated,
Go star in a soap opera.
Moony
Dear Moony,
Sirius is planning to paint Snape orange and purple. Should I warn him? Or just call him weird names and laugh?
Painting Snape
Dear Painting Snape,
Call him weird names and laugh. What kind of Gryffindor are you?!
Moony
Dear Moony,
I need advice that can't be helped with memory charms or counciling. Could you meet me at the Astronomy Tower and we can see how we make out from there?
NOT another obsessed, sex crazed Moony fan
Dear Another Obsessed, Sex-Crazed, Moony fan,
Nope. I might not look like the brightest bulb in the box, but don't be deceived.
Moony
Dear Moony,
Padfoot need to get over the jell-o. He needs to get a life before we all kill him.
Girls in the dorm
Dear Girls in the Dorm,
Thank you, Captain Obvious(es).
Moony
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Lion's Roar
Love is in the air as Valentine's Day is upon us! James has once again gone overboard on presents, giving Lily twelve dozen roses first, which she tore into shreds. Then he gave her fifteen lilies, which she tore up. Then he gave her chocolate, which she attacked while muttering scary things under her breath. Then he gave her a necklace, which she threw in his face (and hurt him, judging by the imprint that diamond made). It also looks like someone tried to tell him about stones in jewelry.
Well, jewels have been used for years to give messages to people. Solitary stones all mean different things--diamonds mean love, rubies mean beauty and seductiveness, emeralds mean friends, sapphires mean you're sweet, and birthstones mean thinking about you. But when used together, the first initials of these gems often spell out messages: a popular message (and one Frank Longbottom got me) is to get Lapis lazuli, Onyx, V, and Emerald to spell out the word 'love' in gems. How sweet!
So tell your loved one how much you appreciate them this Valentine's day! This has been Alice Remerta with Lion's Roar, the Gryffindor gossip column. Have any juicy tidbits of gossip? Share it with me--slip it under dorm room 10 and it could appear in Lion's Roar!
Lioness Tip of the Day
No one likes candy canes on Valentine's Day.
The Lioness
House Points Currently:
Gryffindor: 312
Hufflepuff: 367
Slytherin: 414
Ravenclaw: 357
All Materials Copyright The Gryffindor Oracle, volume 400, 23rd edition--all character copyright JK Rowling. Aladdin Niadra and Alice Remerta copyright Abigail Nicole, as well as any minor characters.
VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: Ask Moony is now posted at fictionalley, at the address askmoony. Review there for all Ask Moony stuff.
Oh, and I have posted a short column/author's note thingy that explains a lot of the writing of the Oracle and reveals who the Lioness is, for all you who've been dying to know. It's at writingoforacle.html . I've redesigned the site and renamed it, so check all that out. Sorry it's been so long and I love you all! Thanks for helping me hit 400! Cookies to anyone who can find the Good Charlotte reference ;) Merry Valentine's Day...I mean, Christmas. Love, Abi