Chapter 25

Remus looked up at the claw-like hand of the large black clock on the wall. It still pointed to "Not quite yet" so he put his head back down and returned to reading the fourth and (thankfully) final volume of Teren de Vânătoare. He really wished that he could consult with Valentin about some of what he was reading, but of course he couldn't let Val know that this book even existed, let alone that he had it. It was a pity, since Val would have spent almost 11 years living bestial by now. Remus had only lived bestial for six months, which was not nearly long enough to know what would happen to a werewolf living bestial long-term.

Remus heard a soft click as the clock hand moved and saw that it now pointed to "Very nearly", so he stood up and stretched his legs. He didn't like the implications of what he had been reading. Despite the plan that he had made, he was no longer sure that he should allow himself to try to enter that world again. If he returned to that life even for a few weeks just to gather information that might come in useful against Voldemort, how would he be with Edwina afterwards? The feral instincts never truly left him, but once he allowed them to take control again, even for two weeks…

Remus traced a finger over the letters of the 'Sator' magic square as he thought back to that era of his life. It had been almost 9 years since he had last encountered his beast head on. Nine years since he had even uttered the commands, except to tame. And just a little more than 9 years since Grimelda had left him begging on his knees in that dingy hotel in Targu Secuiesc. Left him for his best friend because Valentin was not afraid to summon the monster within, whereas Remus had only wanted to banish it. He could still hear her laughter as she taunted him, calling him a castrated, toothless old dog and telling him how much better Val was at keeping her satisfied.

Remus wiped his face with one shaking hand and wondered why he was thinking of her now. She had led him by the nose, demanding more and more of him, and never giving him anything but her body no matter how hard he worked for her love. Why he had loved her no one had understood, not even himself. Perhaps it was part of the enchantment of her veela half; perhaps it was because he had been soul-crushingly lonely for so long. But Valentin had killed her only a year after they had fled to Iceland and of course Remus had stopped loving Grimelda long ago, so none of it really mattered anymore.

The only thing that did matter was how the scars from that time affected how he treated Edwina now. That era of his life had been incredibly dark, in contrast to his marriage to Edwina, which until a month ago had been absolutely wonderful. He had never been convinced that it would last, despite the fact that Edwina appeared to adore him. He knew that much of his insecurity about Edwina was directly related to his disastrous love affair with Grimelda.

The clock hand moved to "Right Now", so Remus quickly ran a slightly sweaty hand through his hair and absently straightened his robes as he walked out of the library and into the hall. He heard her voice call out to him and thought that he had not heard anything sweeter all day. As he entered the sitting room with a smile, he felt his heart jump with joy at the sight of her. The memories of Grimelda and that horrible time suddenly seemed very far away.

Edwina ran forward and tossed her arms around his neck saying, "Hello Remus! I had no idea I would be so late. I hope you weren't worried."

After properly demonstrating just how much he had missed her, he asked gently, "Were you with your Great-Aunt this entire time?"

"No, I went to see Aldebaran first. I'm famished. Do you want to eat something?"

Remus looked somewhat bemused, since he was sure she had just come from a meal with her Great-Aunt, but said only, "Yes I would. I haven't eaten since breakfast."

Startled, Edwina pulled back from his embrace and asked, "You haven't? Why ever not?"

Remus, who had been waiting to eat dinner with her and had made a habit for years of skipping his lunches on Tuesdays and Thursdays to save money, did not answer her question. He merely smiled down at her and said, "Come on then. I believe that we have some ham and eggs at least."

Edwina was awakened by a loud thump and immediately sat up in the bed. What she saw was her husband, bare-chested and wearing only a pair of extremely filthy trousers with his arms and chest covered in deep red welts, leaning against the bed post as he heaved deep, shuddering breaths. He looked as if he might fall over from exhaustion. Edwina immediately leapt out of the bed to stand beside him and asked, "Are you ok? What can I get for you?"

"I am fine. Just tired. I need to rest."

Edwina had by now noticed a strong, unpleasant animal odour coming from him and had to force herself not to make a face as she asked, "Did you want some breakfast?" Or a bath….

As if he had heard her thoughts Remus said in a deep, hoarse voice, "Perhaps I should take a bath. I know what I must smell like."

Edwina lied with an earnest face, "It doesn't bother me. It looks like you need to rest."

Remus, who had recently received a ruthlessly honest account from Sirius about exactly how a werewolf smelt after the full moon, grimaced as he lay down on the bed. He was far too tired to worry about it now if she wasn't going to press the matter.

When he awoke it felt as if he had only just closed his eyes for a few minutes. He would be thoroughly exhausted for several days, but the 12 hours after full moon were the worst. He reached for his wand, yet he could not feel it under his pillow where it should be. Sudden, wild fear gripped him as he sat up and looked around for his wand. Then he felt something hard press against his hip as he moved to get up and realised that he had never taken the wand from his pocket. The primal protective instincts died back down as Remus inwardly cursed the animal inside him that clearly still ruled his thoughts. What was it he had feared anyway?

"What is wrong, Remus?"

He turned his head and looked down at where she was lying next to him. "Nothing. I am still adjusting."

She sat up and peered at him curiously. "Your tattoo thing moves."

Remus cleared his throat before he answered, "Yes, it does move when the wolf is not asleep. The days right before and after the full moon you may notice the stigmat come alive, but hopefully not at any other times."

"So the tattoo is like a warning?"

"No. If it were a warning it wouldn't be on my back where no one can see it, Edwina." Remus closed his eyes and leaned back against the headboard to rest for a moment. "The stigmat is part of the Control, Winnie. It guides me in the Mastery and it helps me focus the unrestrained natural magic so that I can use it." He paused and moved his neck to stretch the sore muscles. "You see, just like animagi one does not use a wand for the Control, Winnie." Remus finally opened his eyes and looked to see her reaction. "I can feel it move and it tells me what my beast wants. It is complicated." Remus slid back down in the bed with a sigh and thought how very little he wanted to get up at all.

Edwina could see that he looked very ill and miserable from exhaustion. He had told her the night before that all he would want to do was sleep and eat a little meat, but she wished that she could do more to help him. "Do you want to go back to sleep?"

"Not right now. I want to wash this stench off me and eat something." Remus forced himself to get up out of the bed and grabbed the bedpost for support once more.

"I'll go run the water for you."

"Thank you. I'll be there in a few moments."

Edwina hurried into the bathroom and found the box of Madame Beasley's Skin Soothing Soak that she had seen the day before on the cupboard shelf. She remembered her mother using Madame Beasley's Skin Soothing Salve after Edwina had accidentally stuck her hand inside a trollywollop's burrow when she was a small girl. Madame Beasley's had done wonders, Edwina thought as she poured another few shakes of powder into the water for good measure, hopefully this powder was as effective as the salve. His skin had looked as if he'd been attacked by an entire clan of trollywollops. As Edwina stood up to put the box back on the shelf she saw Remus standing in the doorway looking at her.

"Trollywollops, wasn't it?"

Edwina was startled and stammered, "Y-yes, I told you that story?"

"You did, when you bought me that powder."

"Oh."

"I did something similar when I was nine. Fair Isle pixies. I thought I saw a beautiful butterfly and reached out with both hands to grab it."

"Oh my! You're lucky you didn't lose a finger."

"Yes and I've never much liked butterflies since."

Edwina returned the smile that he gave her and said softly, "I'll see about some food. Do you still want the cold beef?"

Remus jerked his head in response, "Nothing hot, please."

After Edwina had left the room, Remus dropped the trousers to the floor and stepped into the bath. It had been hard enough going through this stage with her the first time, when he had felt more secure of her. Introducing her to this side of his condition so soon after their reconciliation had worried him immensely. But so far she had handled it as well as she had before.

As he eased his sore, weak body into the overly hot water, Remus thought how wonderful it was to have her back with him. Immediately he berated himself. That was a silly, trite thought. What she meant to him couldn't be voiced or described. The deep despair he had endured during the last full moon when it seemed she was lost to him had been almost unbearable. Now with the wound from that desperate fear just starting to scab over, Remus wondered how things would go over the next few weeks as they worked to build the foundation for whatever their relationship would come to be.

Remus lay very still in the bath and listened to Edwina walking quickly down the hall again. He knew exactly what she was doing. She had stripped the bed of the sheets and was now hurrying to put another set on the bed hoping that he wouldn't notice.