Three quarters of a Solar System.
And I didn't even do it on purpose.
All because of my damned ego. Because I thought that someone tens of thousands of years ago, who was clearly more advanced then me or anyone else living today, had gotten a few damned numbers wrong.
And worse, I knew I was wrong the entire time.
Maybe not consciously. Maybe not on the forefront of my thoughts. But somewhere, deep inside, I knew that I was wrong. Not one hundred percent sure, but sure nonetheless.
I told John to trust me. Pleaded. Almost begged, in my own way. I used our friendship as a stepping stone to try and prove to everyone that my ego driven theories were sound.
I berated Radek, accusing him of being jealous and not being able to understand what I thought I was seeing when he clearly could. He's not some idiot. He's as smart as I am, almost, if not sometimes more so. Not that I could ever tell him.
And Elizabeth. Why didn't I listen to Elizabeth?
What the hell was I thinking?
I thought I had changed. I thought that somehow I had grown to be more then the old Rodney McKay that first walked into the SGC back on Earth, full of piss and vinegar and a streak of arrogance that almost made that damned Kinsey look like a Saint.
I thought I had changed from being the Rodney McKay who told one Major Carter, sorry, Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter that I 'Liked Dumb Blondes.' And insinuated she didn't know what the hell she was doing.
Maybe I did, but it wasn't enough. Two steps foreword and ten steps back.
And now here I am, realizing that I may have lost something more important to me then anything in the universe.
My friends.
They deserve so much better then what I did.
They deserve so much better then who I am.
And now all I can do is say I am sorry. And try to prove to them how important they are to me.