Disclaimer: I still own nothing. I do own the plot, though.

Blar! Chapter seventeen! Enjoy it! Thanks again for the reviews! (hugs)

If you have the opportunity, listen to 'Understanding' by Evanescence. I swear, that should be this fic's theme song. It's a really good song.

Starfire: "Watch out! Chapter seventeen is here! It might bite your grubnacks!"

Robin: "Do I want to know what you're talking about?"

Terra: "Probably not."

"It's human nature. We all try to find an excuse for who we are."
-Robin

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Raven's breath was getting shallow as she burst out into the clean night air on the roof. She collapsed to her knees and to her own surprise she started to sob openly, covering her face with her hands. She was so overcome by intense emotion that she didn't even care about preserving her dignity. Emotion. And nothing was going wrong. This certainly felt like a violent emotion, and she wondered why there didn't seem to be destruction going on. Maybe there was destruction going on. Maybe it was just inside of her. Raven didn't care at the moment. She just wanted to be numb. 'Just make it go away' she thought. But she couldn't cry it all away.

Raven could have sworn that her soul was being torn out through her chest. She wasn't even sure what she was feeling. She was so confused, so afraid, and so ashamed that she had lost control at her own expense. The cuts on her forearm stung sharply, and she hated herself for putting them there. All she could think of was to pour out her feelings in tears. She couldn't tell herself to get over it. All she could do was cry. Raven had always had the vague knowledge that she was alone, but she had never felt it like this. She felt like she was trapped in a hole where no one could ever find her. No one was ever going to hear her. No one was going to be able to make it better. She was going to be stuck here in this bottomless pit forevermore…

"Raven?" she heard from somewhere nearby. The sound of a voice was like a light in the darkness, and she felt a tide of relief flood her. Someone was there. She wasn't alone. Someone could hear her. The reality of her situation washed over her and the terrible drama ebbed. She looked up and saw the blurry outline of Beast Boy, holding a book and a flashlight. He shut the flashlight off and crawled over to her. "Dude, are you OK?" his voice held genuine concern. She felt so much less alone.

Raven tried to say yes, tried to nod, but all she could do was shake her head. She couldn't lie to him.

"What's the matter?" he asked. Raven only shook her head again. Beast Boy felt helpless. He had never in his life seen Raven cry. Now that it was happening, he had no idea what to do. He was so confused, he didn't know what could possibly be the matter with her. It hurt him so much to see her crying like this. His heart ached sharply. "Is there anything I can do?"

Raven latched onto him and hugged him tightly. Beast Boy knew that this was her answering his question. He dropped the flashlight and Raven's Poe book that he had been reading and hugged her back. She was shaking violently with sobs and he couldn't help but wonder if this was really Raven. Maybe it was just an imposter or something, because the Raven he knew rarely let go like this. She had never seemed so completely out of control.

"It's OK," he said quietly, hoping that he could let her know it was going to be alright and that it was OK for her to cry all at once. She had comforted him in his times of need so many times, and now he wished he knew what to do for her. All he could do was hug her tightly and let her cry. Beast Boy was surprised that someone like Raven could be capable of so many tears. He supposed it was just like what people said. The longer you kept everything bottled up inside, the more there is to let out when you finally do. And Raven certainly was letting out a lot. It made him feel so powerless, like he could do nothing to comfort her. He rubbed her back gently with one hand in hopes that this would help calm her a bit. He didn't know if it did, because all that happened was that she hugged him even harder. But then her sobs died down a bit after a few minutes. He kept up the soothing motion, and eventually her cries ceased entirely.

"Oh, Beast Boy," she muttered. She was still shaking violently even without her tears. He wondered what could possibly be bothering her so much, but he didn't dare bring it up at the moment.

"It's gonna be OK. I promise," he whispered into her hair. She slowly stopped trembling and clung to him in stillness. Her only movement was her chest rising and falling lightly against his. He was so relieved that she wasn't crying anymore. It had been tearing him apart inside. He wondered if she could tell right now how much he loved being close to her, how much he just loved to sit there in silence and concentrate on her breathing, how much he loved her. She felt so warm against him, so innocent in his arms, and it seemed like a crime that he couldn't tell her how he felt. It felt as though he was alive for her alone. The soft, vital thudding of her heart against his chest made him feel happy beyond all reason. She was alive, and as long as she was he would be happy. Hiding his feelings was killing him, but he knew it was something he had to do.

Very, very slowly, Raven drew back from him and he quickly freed her from his arms. His sensitive nose noticed for the first time a distinct metallic scent of blood, and he was slightly confused. He pushed it aside in his mind.

"Thank you Beast Boy," Raven said quietly. The two of them sat there in silence for a moment, looking at anything but each other. Beast Boy lifted his hand and wiped the tears from her cheeks gently.

"So…um…you wanna tell me what's the matter?" he asked. Raven looked at him for a moment, and then shook her head, lowering her eyes.

"I can't," she said softly.

"Why not?"

"I just can't," she told him, her normal tone returning for a moment. She was avoiding his eyes.

"Oh come on Raven, you can tell me," he said, placing a hand on her arm. He was instantly aware of the fact that her arm was wet. He drew his hand back and looked closer. The blood that was soaking into her leotard around the slash marks in the material gave off a slight shine in the moonlight. He was instantly alarmed. Before Raven could protest, he yanked the sleeve of her leotard up, revealing the four deep cuts in the pale flesh of her arm. They were still bleeding and had obviously been done very recently. He inhaled sharply and stared at her with frightened eyes. "Raven, did you-" he was unable to finish at first. "Did you do this?"

Raven looked up at him, her face trembling. She looked horrified at being discovered, like a bird in its nest when it realizes that someone knows it's there. Her eyes were wider than normal and they stared at him with a mixture of guilt and fear. "Yes," she fairly whispered.

"Raven," Beast Boy said sternly. "What the hell were you thinking?"

"I don't know," she whispered meekly. "I just….I wasn't…" there was no way she could finish that sentence in coherent words, and she closed her mouth.

Without a word, Beast Boy rolled up his sleeves and held his arms out to her. The light of the moon illuminated the sight before her. The smooth green flesh of his arms was marred by innumerable cuts. They were obviously not recent: they had all scabbed over and were healing quite well. But the fact that they were there at all, along with the sheer number of them, alarmed Raven severely.

"You never want to end up like this, Raven! You know what happens? You cut yourself to make it go away, and after a while it stops working. And so you do what I did. You take more drastic measures to make the pain go away," he said, and Raven glanced at his wrists quickly, knowing what he meant. The memory of them gaping open, looming before her like the maw of some horrible monster, ran though her mind and she almost threw up.

"Beast Boy I…I'm so sorry," she said quietly, watching him roll his sleeves back up.

"Don't be sorry. Just never do that again. You have no idea how much it would hurt me if anything happened to you," Beast Boy answered. He was looking straight into her eyes and she could tell how serious he was about those words.

"Really?" she asked uncertainly.

"Really," he said. He slipped off one of his gloves, reaching for her hand, which was lying limply on her knee, and held it tightly in his to prove his point. "You are the best friend I've ever had in my life. If I ever lost you, I don't know how I'd survive." he carefully laced his fingers with hers and gave her hand a squeeze.

Raven was slightly shocked by the abrupt sensation of his skin against hers. She had never really touched him without some thin barrier separating their flesh, and here he was holding her hand. His hand was warm, and if she concentrated enough she could feel his pulse slightly. She felt slightly intoxicated. She was almost overwhelmed by a strong desire to throw herself on him and kiss him. She had never experienced such a strong feeling of love like this before. It made her breath come shakily and her eyes almost start to tear up again. She had never imagined that she could actually love, or that it would feel this wonderful. Just because she was afraid of it didn't mean she didn't still like it. Now that the initial shock had worn off and she was willing to accept the way she felt about him, she really did like the feeling it gave her. She didn't deserve to love, but it was happening either way.

Raven didn't feel like herself. Normally, if someone tried to hold her hand, she would pull away quickly and have some sarcastic remark ready, or perhaps even a smack into the person's face. But now she only sat in silence and stared. This was what love was doing to her. It was making her an entirely different person around Beast Boy.

Maybe that was why she feared it so much.

Beast Boy desperately wanted to speak. He wanted to burst out and tell her how completely and sincerely he loved her and how he wanted to be with her for the rest of his life- wait. Where had that come from? He hadn't realized he felt that way until this moment. He really did want to be with her for the rest of his life.

'Just tell her you love her,' he thought. 'Say something. Say anything. Don't just sit here like an idiot.'

Instead of speaking, he let go of her hand and slowly pulled his glove back on. He felt stupid and strangled himself mentally. He had had the perfect moment to tell her how he felt and he had chickened out. That long, profound silence had been an ideal window of opportunity, almost like one of those cheesy scenes in the romance movies that he detested so much, and he had missed it. The silence stretched wide between them.

"Um…you should probably get rid of those," he said, pointing to Raven's arm. Raven nodded. A single glowing white hand hovered over her arm, and in a moment there was no sign of any wound. She pulled her sleeve back down and proceeded to heal the cuts on Beast Boy's arms.

"Those powers sure come in handy. Thanks, you didn't need to do that," he said as she pulled her hands back.

"I know. I wanted to. Now both of us are healed. We can start over, and not do that again," Raven said, feeling very stupid after she said this.

"Too bad you can't start life over," Beast Boy said thoughtfully. Raven nodded.

"Some things are best left alone," she said. She paused. "Beast Boy?"

"Hm?"

"I'm really, truly glad beyond all reason that I found you before it was too late. I'm glad that you're alive," Raven said.

"Really? I would've thought you'd like a permanent vacation from my stupidity," Beast Boy joked.

"Don't ever say that," Raven said severely. "Don't even joke about it. I would never want a break from you." were these words really coming out of Raven's own mouth? She felt like she couldn't control her tongue.

"Are you serious? I mean….not even for a while?" Beast Boy ventured.

"Not even for a while," Raven said. "I love having you around." she almost accidentally added 'and I love you', but she caught herself before it came out.

"I'll remind you of that next time you're screaming at me," Beast Boy said, smiling.

"I look forward to it," Raven said with a hint of her usual sarcasm, and for some reason Beast Boy was actually glad for a glimpse of Raven's usual self.

"Aww, come here," he said. Raven moved cautiously forward with a look of suspicion on her face, and he hugged her. She returned the embrace. Beast Boy rested his head on her shoulder, feeling completely content for a moment. He very cautiously kissed her cheek, and she didn't seem in the least bit alarmed for some reason. They sat there in silence for a moment, Beast Boy willing himself to kiss her for real again. He couldn't bring himself to do it.

"We should go inside," Raven said very suddenly, breaking away from him. "It's getting late-I mean it's getting early."

This was true. Faint hints of sunrise were showing on the horizon. Beast Boy retrieved the book and flashlight.

"Yeah," he agreed. They started inside.

When they reached Raven's door, she wanted nothing more than to look Beast Boy straight in the eye and tell him how much she loved him, and let whatever might happen then happen.

But she didn't. She said goodnight to Beast Boy and turned calmly and went into her room.

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Dammit, Raven!