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He sat down opposite his mother and said, "I'm pretty sure Sunday brunch comes with terms and conditions now."
Lucia raised a brow and replied, "Are you sassing me, Rafi?"
"Maybe a little," he said. "We might need to schedule a little later next week."
"Why?"
"Because a friend is having surgery and I'm helping with their recovery – and I don't know who will be sitting with her when I leave yet," he said firmly.
"Her." Lucia's tone was flat. "I suppose it's too much to ask that you –"
"Mami," he warned. When she looked suitably chastened, he decided to throw her a bone. "As it happens, I am seeing someone…"
"Someone. Not female? Rafael Eduardo Barba, don't you want –"
"Will you please stop lecturing me long enough to listen?" he sighed. "I'm seeing someone. I don't want to go into more detail than that right now because I'm afraid it will fall apart." He paused and lifted his menu. "The scallion pancakes and crispy duck sound good."
"Are you seeing someone male or female?" Lucia pressed.
"It shouldn't matter," he said. "I'm a grown adult. I make my own choices."
"It matters," Lucia said softly. The waiter came by and she said, "I'd like the stir-fried egg and tomato noodles and the bok choi. And the passionfruit tea."
"Crispy duck and scallion pancakes," Rafael ordered. "And jasmine green tea, please." He waited until the waiter was gone before he eyed his mother. "Why does it matter?"
"Because I want you to be happy, mijo."
"You think I can't be happy sleeping with a man?" he questioned. "I assure you that the mechanics of pleasure aren't that different regardless of whether or not I'm penetrating or being penetrated."
"Rafael, we're in public," she scolded.
"You're the one that wants to talk about my sex life." He scowled. "What you mean is that you want grandchildren. You're being selfish."
"You don't want children."
"I never said I didn't want children. I just happen to think that there are a lot of kids in the world who need a home more than they need me to have a hand in creating them," he said with an exasperated sigh. "Would it truly be so bad for me to adopt? Or foster? To settle down in a loving partnership with a man and raise a family if we were happy?"
"No." Lucia said it with an air of finality. "But that isn't who you are, Rafi. You deserve a son of your own. And a woman who will look at you with all the love in the world."
He snorted. "I hate to break it to you but that's probably never going to happen."
"What, your new love doesn't look at you that way?"
"You're fishing without a net," he scolded.
She sighed and waved her hand. "I need to know you're happy."
"And you aren't going to let me alone until, what… when?" he asked, annoyed.
"Well, that boy who caused you so many problems… I knew right from the start he wasn't right for you and I held my tongue."
Rafael sighed. "Fine," he muttered. "Her name is Olivia."
Lucia's eyebrows rose. "And what does this Olivia do for a living?" she inquired.
"Does it matter?" he asked.
"Only if it comes down to you having to pay her rent," his mother muttered.
"She can pay her own rent," he countered. "Ma, she isn't pity fucking me for money."
"Rafi, so crass," she sighed.
"You're the one who won't leave well enough alone," he grumbled. His phone dinged with a new message and he reached for it reflexively.
"Tell your work to leave you alone on a Sunday," Lucia snapped.
"It isn't work," he said, glancing at Olivia's message.
"If it's your Olivia, you can tell her to join us and not be shy," his mother said.
"I can't do that," he said in a dry tone. "She's busy. She was just confirming what time we're meeting for dinner."
"You'd better be treating her right, mijo – women are different than men," Lucia warned.
"You think I don't know that?" he challenged. "I'm doing my best." He sent a quick message back and turned his attention back to the table just in time for their tea and appetizers to arrive.
"Hi, sorry – I'm here to sit with my girlfriend overnight," Rafael said as he strode up to the nurse's station, briefcase in hand, overnight bag slung over his shoulder. "She's in room 448. Olivia Benson. My name is Rafael Barba. There should be a list or something –"
"Mr. Barba, she's finishing a procedure out of the room," the nurse said with a small smile. "But if you'd like to go wait in the room, I'm sure she will be very happy to see you. Captain Cragen was with her when she checked in, but he was called away around five."
He nodded. "I got here as quickly as I could," he said. "Anyway, I'll go wait in there –"
"If you're hungry, you can order something up to the room. Ms. Benson is on no food or drink after eight, so she'll need to get dinner in as soon as she gets back," the nurse advised.
He went down the corridor and ducked into Olivia's room. He dropped his bag and briefcase on the sofa and stretched, his back popping and making an awful cracking noise as he tried to get rid of some of the day's tension. Maybe he should get a pet or something to distract him.
His phone buzzed in his pocket and he reached for it. "Barba," he muttered.
"Mijo, we need to talk about your phone etiquette," his mother scolded him.
"Mami, now isn't the best time."
"Your old friend Alejandro came to speak at my school today," Lucia said. "And Yelina was by his side, as always."
Rafael exhaled roughly and stuffed his hand into his pocket. "I don't know what you want to hear from me. I haven't spoken to either of them since Yelina broke up with me."
"He wanted me to offer you an olive branch."
"I hope you told him to shove his olive branch where I used to shove my –"
"Rafael Eduardo Barba!"
"How the fuck do you think I found out I was bisexual?" he snapped. "That she chose him over me when I showed her nothing but the love in my heart and gave nothing but my soul – they're no better than each other. They fucking deserve each other."
"So bitter still," Lucia sighed.
"No, I'm not. I don't care," he said. "I just can't – I can't be wrapped up in their drama when Olivia needs me to be calm and level-headed."
"What's going on with your Olivia?" Lucia asked, too quickly.
"She's having surgery tomorrow morning. After it's all over and she's recovering, I'll think about letting you meet her or –"
"Do you need food?" Lucia asked. "I can't do much to help, but I can do that. I can bring food."
He sighed heavily. "Yeah. Yeah, I guess you can bring food and leave it in my freezer. Not too much, though. She won't be home till midweek next week at the earliest."
"What kind of surgery?" Lucia's voice wavered. "Rafi, are you tying yourself to a sick woman just so you can care for her –"
"No, mami," he said firmly. "No. Olivia is one of the strongest women I've ever met and if she didn't need help, she wouldn't ask for it." He was about to say more, but noise in the corridor and Olivia's bed being pushed back into the room stopped him. "I've got to go. I'll pass on your prayers." He hung up.
"Hey," Olivia drawled, reaching in his direction even though she knew full well she couldn't reach him. "Just been for an ultrasound of both kidneys…"
"And what's the verdict?" he asked.
"They suck," she laughed tiredly. "How was your day?"
"Long. I worried about you all day long."
She smiled just a little as the orderly hung up her IV and got out of the way of the nurse that came in to check her vitals. "I'm fine. I worried about you." Olivia smoothed out her blanket on the bed and frowned. "Who were you talking to on the phone?"
"My mother," he said. "She's going to bring food by and leave it for us."
"That's nice of her."
"And she sends her prayers."
"She doesn't know me."
"I care about you," he said softly. "It's enough."
"Is it?"
He smiled and settled into the chair at her bedside. "I hope you realize that there are very few people I would sacrifice this amount of time for," he teased. "Jo-jo, Rita, and my mother are the other three."
Her small smile returned. "I don't want you to think that you have to –"
"Olivia," he said, "I want to."
It had been a long day. Olivia's surgery hadn't gone entirely to plan and she hadn't come out of the anesthesia as they had planned. So when she finally got rolled back into her room at 9:24 p.m., both Cragen and Rafael heaved identical sighs of relief to see her alert.
"Hey, kid," Cragen greeted her. "How you feeling?"
"Like I fought William Lewis again and lost this time," she whispered, looking up at him with so much pain and exhaustion in her face that it broke Rafael's heart. "I'll be okay. Tell them I'll be okay, Cap." She squeezed Cragen's hand tightly, then her eyes tracked over to Rafael. "You need to go home," she murmured.
"Nope," Rafael said.
"Go," she insisted softly. "Sleep."
"And leave you here to suffer?" he challenged. "I don't think so."
"You look so tired," she murmured.
"I'm not leaving," he insisted, sitting down and trying to get comfortable. "You want me to call anybody?"
She shook her head and mumbled, "Cap will tell the squad. I'm just… tired."
"I get that," Rafael agreed. "Captain Cragen –"
"Barba, I'll step out to let everyone know what's going on and send them home," Cragen said. "And then I'll be back to make sure you two are settled for the night before I leave."
Rafael nodded and smiled. "Thanks."
"Traitor," Liv mumbled. "Cap, make him g'home."
"I don't think that would go well for me, kid," Cragen said. "We had some time to bond, your Rafael and me, and if there's one thing we agree on, it's your well-being." He squeezed her hand again, then replaced his hand with Rafael's.
Rafael kissed the back of her hand. "Hey," he whispered. "You had me really worried for a while."
"Mmm?"
"So worried I went to the chapel and prayed," he admitted very quietly. "I'm pretty sure I gotta go to confession now. I might have promised the big guy."
She chuckled softly. "I wasn't going without a fight," Olivia whispered. "Got you." She was watching him through glazed, tired eyes, unfocused. "But you need sleep."
"So do you," he whispered.
"Scared to," she breathed. "I saw things in the dark, dragging me under, and I had to fight so hard to come back. I can't sleep – they might try to take me again."
"I won't let them," he promised, kissing her forehead. "I'll be here."
"Work?"
"I'm taking time off."
"You shouldn't –"
He rested a finger over her lips. "It's okay," he promised. "Just rest." When Cragen came back, she had drifted back to sleep, and Rafael was propped on the edge of the bed. "She's struggling against the drugs," he commented dryly. "Whatever they gave her fucked her up good."
"She woke up on the table three times," Cragen said. "Fought the surgeon, apparently, in a panic, the first time. I don't know, Rafael. She's not well mentally or physically since Lewis took her, and we can't convince her to do anything but the bare minimum."
"You can't," Rafael said pointedly, stroking her hair back from her face. She whimpered in her sleep and he frowned, knowing that her pain would get worse before it got better.
Rita watched Johanna come out of the dressing room and gestured at Rafael. "Say something," she said.
"What do you want me to say?" he said. "I hate it."
"Absolutely not is what you say," Rita snapped. "Little miss thing, pedal it back in there and put on one that looks a little less like two strings and a coconut." She waited for her daughter to stalk back into the dressing room before she rounded on him. "For fuck's sake, where is your head, Rafi?"
"I'm sorry, Rita – my mind is on other things," Rafael muttered.
"Clearly," she grunted. "Lateral transfer to Manhattan, I hear? And after taking some time off? What's that about? Because we both know what it's not about."
"No, you tied those strings tight," Rafael said with a grim smile. Johanna appeared wearing a perfectly decent teal dress that set off her hazel eyes and dirty blonde hair. "Good choice, kid. Bag it and tag it."
"This?" Johanna asked. "Mom, seriously? What's wrong with Uncle Raf?"
"Fuck if I know, kid," Rita replied, "but he's paying for it and half your tuition so we don't question." She smiled grimly at Rafael. "How's Lucia?" she asked as Johanna disappeared back into the dressing room.
"She's good. Harassing me, as ever, about settling down… doesn't understand why you and I never got together for good, etc.," Rafael said, rolling his eyes.
Rita snorted. "She would spontaneously combust if she knew Jo-jo was yours," she said. "Hell, if Jack knew, he would –"
"Which is why no one knows," Rafael snapped. "Enough." He took a deep breath. "I'm seeing someone."
"Are you? That's… good."
"Olivia Benson."
Rita was silent for a long moment, then she turned to him with incredulous disbelief on her features. "In what universe did you think that was a good idea, Rafael?"
"Be careful, Rita, someone might think you still care," he accused.
"I do, you idiot," she muttered. She paused. "Benson? Seriously?"
He nodded. "Yeah."
Johanna came out of the dressing room in leggings, a hoodie, and Converse. "Let's go," she muttered. "I want to get some food before mom drags me home and makes me do my homework."
"Why doesn't Rafi introduce us to his girlfriend?" Rita suggested sarcastically.
"Jealous, Calhoun?" he shot back, flipping out his credit card to pay for the dress.
"In your dreams," Rita scoffed. "We both know how you –"
"Whoa, I do not need to hear this," Johanna said, holding up her hand. "But I want to meet her."
"Unfortunately, she's still in the hospital," Rafael said. "She had surgery and –"
"I heard she was out on leave, but surgery?" Rita said, concern flashing in her eyes. "Are you okay, Raf?"
"I'm fine," he dismissed. "She's struggling. I'm just trying to be there for her and make it easier."
"Yes, well, excuse me for being concerned –"
"Could you two stop?" Johanna asked. "I'm done with you two. I can't anymore. Mom, you act like Uncle Rafi is your best friend and your worst enemy at the same time and Uncle Rafi… I don't even know. I don't know." She sighed and added, "I thought all the weirdness would go away when I found out you were my dad but no, it just got worse."
Rafael gaped at her. "How did you – when did –"
"I'm not stupid," Johanna said. "And mom has some paperwork in the safe for you if something happens to her that I'm not supposed to know about."
"You little shit," Rita snapped.
Johanna looked at her. "Well, if you wouldn't lie to me, we wouldn't be having this conversation, now, would we?" she said. "Not that I need a father anyway because I do perfectly fine with just an idiot uncle who pays for random shit anyway."
"Watch your mouth, kid," Rafael grumbled.
"You were an accident," Rita said, "but I didn't think I should get rid of you either."
"So you lied and said I was the other guy's?" Johanna asked. "Thanks."
"The reasons and justifications aren't simple," Rita said, taking the dress in its bag. "But Rafael has always been in your life. Always. I would never take him away from you, kid. And if Benson knows what's good for her, she won't keep him from you, either, should this… dalliance… progress into something more."
"Rita, don't go single white female on her," he warned.
"I won't, but my kid comes first," Rita said.
"I'm not a kid," Johanna said. "And I want to meet your girlfriend, Uncle Raf."
"I think Olivia would like to meet you when she's feeling better," Rafael said. "We'll arrange something when she gets back on her feet."
Rita was still looking at him oddly. "Of all people, Olivia Benson?"
He shrugged and gave her a little smile. "Yeah," was all he said. "I need to get back to the hospital." He gave Rita a peck on the cheek and enveloped Johanna in a tight embrace. "Kiddo, don't give your mom so much trouble," Rafael said softly. "She means well."
Johanna gave him a dirty look. "She sucks. Can't I come live with you?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Not your real dad."
"Biologically by swab."
"Only technically."
"Sperm donor by law –"
"Jo-jo, don't argue," he scolded. "You're your mom's kid by law, period, full stop. My sperm contribution doesn't matter. Your dad didn't think it was an issue when he finalized the divorce, or he would have insisted on a DNA test beforehand. So let's not even go there. We're done. Go home."
Johanna sighed. "Fine." She took a couple of steps, then said, "But I'm not going into the law."
"Power to ya, kid."
"Maybe not going to Harvard –"
"Now, those are fighting words," he warned.
He headed back to the hospital, grabbing a coffee along the way and went to Olivia's room to find her resting. "Hey," he said softly, alerting her to his presence. "You hungry, mi amor?"
"I could eat," Olivia murmured. "Was your mission successful?"
"Johanna has her winter formal dress, yes," he said, taking a swig of coffee. "What are you hungry for?"
"Maybe some toast and tea?" she said. "How is Rita?"
"Snarky as usual," he said. He called in her order and sat back. "Liv… can I tell you something without you getting angry with me?"
"You have a captive audience," she said softly, her lips twitching up into a tiny smile.
"Rita and I have always had a contentious relationship," he said, making a little face. "We dated at Harvard, a little. Never really made it work. It was more like hate fucking than actually dating. And then when we got back to New York and started working, she got married and started working at the firm and I went to work at Kings County and worked for the DA and we… went back to hate fucking on the side when things got… heated." He twisted his cup around in his hands. "Her marriage wasn't good. And, uh… it's no excuse. But we definitely made things worse by having sex. She got pregnant and had Johanna, and Meathead decided enough was enough when Jo-jo was two and they got divorced. It was pretty ugly, but I don't think he ever figured out that we were –" He looked up and winced hard at the look on Olivia's face. "Johanna is mine, biologically. But Rita… Rita refuses to let me be anything but her godfather, Uncle Rafael. It's a legal distinction and I get it. But it hurts the kid and I – I don't know if…"
"You're a father." Olivia's tone was hollow and very quiet. "With Rita Calhoun."
"Only in the strictest terms of biology. We all make mistakes," he said softly. "Jo-jo isn't a mistake, but… the way she came into the world maybe wasn't my best set of moves."
Oliva laughed sadly and wiped at her eyes. "I just…"
"I love you," he said softly, leaning down to kiss her gently. "And if we're fortunate to have a child together, Liv… it won't be a mistake."
"Why are you telling me this?" she whispered. "To torture me? To mock me?"
"No," he said quietly. "Don't you understand, Olivia? I've never told anyone about Johanna. Not even my mother. I'm trusting you with my biggest, darkest secret. I need you to help me keep her safe. Please."
She paused for a long time, the longest time, then breathed deeply and murmured, "I love you, too."
"I wish we'd have met a long time ago," he said.
"You would've hated me," she whispered. "I wasn't very nice. I'm still not."
"We'll work on it," he teased, offering her some water, which she sipped gratefully.
TBC...