Disclaimer: No!

Chapter thirty-four! I had some trouble focusing this week. School was a little hectic. I had a huge paper in Health that wentcompletely went wrong, and so I couldn't write for a bit. Sorry.

Note to all BBRae supporters: If you'd like me to put your thoughts on BBRae on the new page of my website, email me about it.

I didn't get my choir solo, but it's OK. I don't honestly care that much.

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The darkness of night slowly dwindled away to the first dull tints of gray light on the horizon, and the world melted slowly through its shell of lethargy and began to come to life. The impending light of morning washed the darkness slowly away, but the mood in Titans Tower had not lifted even slightly for it. A deep, impenetrable gloom had settled over every silent corridor, every cluttered bedroom, every dusty corner of the huge building, emanating from off the four despondent teenagers who currently sat in the living room in absolute silence.

Cyborg considered the steaming liquid in his coffee cup with feigned interest, struggling to keep his mind on something besides the gloom-and-doom attitude that had settled over the little group. He stole a glance over at Beast Boy. The green boy sat glumly on the other end of the sofa, his gloved fingers scraping rhythmically over the material of the sofa's arm in a despairing gesture that seemed to keep him from exploding at the world. Beast Boy was taking this much better than Cyborg had expected. He had been imagining a hysterical, completely broken-down version of the young changeling. The truth, however, was that Beast Boy seemed strangely together. Cyborg could sense that barely a fraction of an inch beneath the surface, Beast Boy was screaming for help and cursing the world, sobbing and breaking and losing grip. But he had never known Beast Boy to keep emotions, especially powerful ones, inside. It was strange, unnatural, and it made Cyborg wonder if Beast Boy had completely lost his mind at the loss. It disturbed him, and he couldn't shake off the worry he felt for his friend.

As far as Cy could tell, Beast Boy was the only one who wasn't wearing his heart on his sleeve besides himself. Robin and Starfire had made perfectly clear their feelings on the subject of Raven's departure. Starfire was hopelessly wounded and afraid both for Raven and for Beast Boy. Robin, however, was full of a feeling of frustrated anger and betrayal. But one could only guess what was going on in Beast Boy's mind. Cyborg was also keeping his feelings to himself. At the moment he was mostly in the stage of struggling to accept the loss of his friend. The parts that were real were the sadness and the strange guilt…guilt for not knowing something had been wrong enough to make Raven want to leave. These things hurt. They hurt deeply. It was one of those moments when he wished he were a full-robot, just a big emotionless lump of metal who knew no pain, no loss, no struggle. He wanted to express himself, but he wasn't sure how. He felt like a traitor. He could sense resentment toward Raven coming out of the other three….maybe even Starfire. Cyborg felt none of this resentment, only pain. He was afraid of turning the others against him if he dared voice this. He knew they would never express any of it out loud, but inside they would seethe and agonize and wonder how he could possibly feel no bitterness.

The answer was simple. He felt no bitterness toward Raven because he had been in her place. He too had abandoned the team without so much as a goodbye or a look back when he had decided to join the Titans East. He knew how the others must have felt now, how hurt and let down they must have been. It made him glad that he had chosen to return before they all completely closed themselves off to him. It made him immutably guilty, but he shook off the guilt. He stared back into his coffee for a moment before taking a sip, drowning his emotions with caffeine.

Beast Boy stared blankly ahead out the window, watching the soft gray water rippling in the light breeze. It was already evident that the sun would not be coming out today, not in any sense. He struggled to keep himself from exploding completely. He wasn't even exactly sure what he was feeling right now. He felt desperately heartbroken and he wanted to break into sobs, but at the same time he felt so terribly betrayed and didn't want to devote tears to someone who obviously did not care for him any longer. He had never felt so confused in his life.

Beast Boy tried to concentrate on something else. Anything else. There was nothing in the room, though, but the silence. The unbearable, pressing silence, the silence that somehow roared in his ears, deafening his mind and drowning his control. He could stay in that room no longer. He couldn't spend another second with the silence and the gloomy faces pressing in on him from all directions. Grabbing the small package Raven had given him, he stood up.

"I'm gonna go think," he said, figuring that he owed his friends at least some semblance of an excuse for his running off. And with that, he turned and walked out of the living room. The hallway was unnaturally cold and dark, and seemed a thousand times longer than it ever had. He was desperate just to reach the sanctity of his own bright bedroom, but his door didn't seem to be getting any closer. When he finally reached it, he could have cried out of relief.

The bedroom was silent. Still. A room holding its breath. He was hit with the realization that the last time he had been in this room, Raven had been a member of the team and everything had been just how he wished it were now. These things slammed into him like a brick and he could feel his legs threatening to collapse. He made his way shakily over to the bed and threw himself facedown onto the crumpled sheets, struggling to keep breathing normally. As he lay there, he caught a scent of herbal tea and lavender from his sheets where Raven had lay with him so many times. His breath caught in his throat and he could feel the acridness of the tears trembling on the edges of his lashes. He quickly quelled his tears and lay there motionless for a moment, inhaling her scent deeper and deeper, hoping it would somehow give him an answer for what he was supposed to feel. It didn't. He felt even worse. He threw himself off of the bed, leaving the tissue paper-wrapped package on the wrinkled sheets and falling with a thud onto the floor. He fought the tears that threatened to come once more.

"Get a grip, Beast Boy," he told himself. "Come on, be reasonable. There's no use crying over her. She left by choice. She obviously doesn't even care about you anymore, much less love you. Stop wasting your time with this pointless moping."

His words were calm, collected, and firm. But his insides didn't even come close to mirroring this. Inside he was sobbing, screaming, searching for release, and though he wanted to believe that he was only wasting time mourning over the loss of Raven, was he really? Had she really stopped caring for him? Was he just dismissing hope too quickly?

Beast Boy's head swam uncomfortably with so many things running through it. He wanted nothing more at the moment than to simply shut off and sleep.

"Stop it," he said to no one in particular, clutching handfuls of his olive hair in frustration. "Just…go away!" he lay there in frustration, not knowing whether to cry or to scream. Whether to be angry at Raven or to miss her. He was so confused. He switched back and forth between the two emotions a few times before he gave a scream of utter misery and rolled over, beating his fists against the floor like a child.

Beast Boy stopped and raised his head slowly. He rolled over and reached slowly into his sock, pulling out his razor blade, pulling the thin cardboard guard cover from the cutting edge. Even in his times of happiness, even during his relationship with Raven, he had always kept it handy. Not to use it. Just to remind him of his stupidity. But he needed it now.

Beast Boy slowly pushed back the sleeve of his shirt, peering down at the smooth green flesh of his wrist. Poising the sharp edge above it, he slowly braced his mind for the unthinkable deed. An image flashed through his mind. It was Raven, the night he had attempted suicide, not so long ago. There was a look of immeasurable pain and fear in her eyes and on her normally expressionless face.

Beast Boy flung the razor blade as hard as he could against the wall, away from him, away from his vulnerable skin. He pulled his sleeve back down and curled himself into a ball.

"No!" he told himself sharply. "You're not going to be that stupid and selfish again! You've got three friends who care about you. It would hurt them if you died. Especially over someone who doesn't even care. She doesn't deserve your tears. She left you. She ended everything because she didn't care enough to even consider your feelings. She isn't worth it." he uncurled himself from his little ball and sat up straight. "She never was."

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More soon. Wow, I'm horrible. Please don't lose hope for this story.