Song Taken From Tommy Dorsey and His Orchestra, "Oh! Look at Me Now!" Sorry, guys, I don't feel very funny tonight...

Disclaimer: Is this really necessary? Yes. Nothing is mine. If it were, I would tear my hair out. Honestly, people, since when does Malfoy sing?!

Harry rounded on Hermione angrily and...

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"And...and it was just...horrible!" Hermione sobbed into Draco's shirt, "How could someone I spent most of my school career with call me a traitor for wanting to follow my heart? Oh, Draco..."

Draco patted Hermione's back as she cried against his shoulder. They were on the train, on their way to Hogwarts, in a compartment all by themselves.

As he watched Hermione's pretty tan neck heaving with phlegm from crying, pointy teeth suddenly peeked out from his gum line as if to say, "Here we are!"

"WAIT!" The Laws of Space and Time cried out in anguish, "WHEN did Malfoy become a vampire? WHERE DID THOSE TEETH COME FROM?! HOW can he be outside in the sunlight if...mmph!" The Laws of Space and Time promptly shut up, as Ron covered it's mouth and hissed, "Ssh! The author forgot to pen in a story about him becoming a vampire!"

In the meantime, Harry was plodding around, despairing that nobody loved him, wondering why it was that he was so upset over Hermione and Draco.

oh sure, he thought bitterly to himself as he applied more mascara in the bathroom and touched up his lipstick, he's my worst enemy, shes one of my best friends...but why should i be so upset over this? maybe i'm gay...

Harry stopped with his mouth hanging open, lipstick a mere centimeter away from his lips. Of course! What better way to add to his gothic outcast-ness?! He wouldn't be straight, or even bisexual, he would be gay!

Puckering up, he looked at himself in the mirror and made the shape of a clawed hand. He smirked flirtatiously and morosely said, "meow."

bwahahahaha...he frowned happily at the mirror, this is going to be quite terrible...

"I must tell you something very important about your heritage, Hermione, you see, you once belonged to a-"

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"Oh Draco," Hermione sighed, looking deep into his eyes, "Please, tell me how you came to know you loved me..."

"It happened suddenly...and without warning..."

"Oh, really?" Hermione batted her gargantuan black eyelashes and sighed heavily. Ron stared pointedly at her chest.

"Yes. I woke up one morning, and suddenly and without warning realized I loved you!"

"Oh Draco!"

"It changed me...you see... 'I'm not the guy who cared about love
And I'm not the guy who cared about fortunes and such
Never cared much...'"

"'Oh, look at you now!'"

"'I never knew the technique of kissing'
I never knew the thrill I could get from your touch
Never know much'"

"'Oh, look at you now!

You're a new man, better than
Casanova at his best'"

Ron clapped his hands over his ears and shrieked, "AUGH! Make it stop! I. Can't. Take. More. Tommy. Dorsey."

"Oh Ron! Why are you never supportive of anything I do?" And Hermione descended into tears.

There was a dark chill creeping into the room while Hermione sobbed, ample breasts heaving. And then, All of a sudden, something crucial and vital Happened! Unfortunately we will never know what. The scene is lying on the floor of Alfonso Cuaron's chopping room.

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