A/N: I know I am a terrible, terrible person, and I am sorry this took so long. Homework and relationship problems had me spiraling to a mood of Not Funny and Not About to Be Playful Until I get Revenge.

Disclaimer: As always, only Damien belongs to me. The rest belongs to the ever wonderful J.K. Rowling. Dedicated to my Muse, my Inspiration: Alfonso "Teenagers have orgies" Cuaron. I have long admired your ability to transform a book from a beautiful work of literary art to a smutty, soap-opera-esque hormone fest. I'll never be able to do it as wonderfully as you!

And Now…

Dumbledore makes a speech, or Damien Exposed! or The Tale of the Persian Rug

"…And now comes the part of my speech when I like to warn you all of imminent danger: There is imminent danger. A powerful, beautiful, smart, talented, and all-around-wonderful witch will save us. All the same, there is imminent danger. Speaking of which, Hello, Miss Granger! Now, you may eat."

Dumbledore sat down and Neville clapped enthusiastically. He was the only one. He continued clapping, illustrating his stupidity, and promptly tipped pumpkin juice on himself.

Hermione sighed.

"Oh Draco! What will I do without your face? Without your breath? Without your sweet, sugary kisses even though we have only been speaking for two days?! Oh woe is me! Woe, WOE!" She fell into a fit of tears, which slithered sneakily down to her bosom, which was clothed in a black tee-shirt that was tight, but not too skanky, as you could only see one nipple, not two.

With this the author embarked on a two page description of Hermione's shirt and the way it clung artfully to each breast, exposing her stuffed-looking wonder to the benefit of many adolescent boys.

"Wait!" cried Dumbledore, leaping from his seat at Hermione's anguish, "I forgot, this year's Head Boy and Girl are Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger, who will be sharing a common room and have their own dormitories with a King sized bed each, a bathroom, and kinky sex toys."

Hermione squealed in Malibu-Barbie glee—oh, the happiness!

"Also, we have an American Exchange student from Nevada, even though no one in this room knows where Nevada is and we have never accepted transfers before. Please welcome Damien Shit!"

The Great Hall clapped on cue, Harry sadly ran his hand up Damien's leathered thigh.

"Damien is gay, I believe?"

The students burst out into excited chatter, Damien sighed, and Harry morosely stood up and shouted, "i'm gay too. i love the penis." A few people laughed, no one else heard him.

Suddenly, while the Laws of Space and Time took a light nap, Hermione and Draky-poo suddenly appeared in their common room.

It was a delightful blend between Gryffindor and Slytherin, the other houses not being worthy of representation. There was a fireplace in the front of the room with a golden heart and green etchings in the metal, with exactly 48 diamonds in it to let the heat out. The rug on the floor was Persian, bought at Woolworths, with a 5 quatrillion thread count and a coffee stain the size of a penny on it in the upper-right corner. There was a scarlet and silver vase in the middle of a mahogany table with gold trim and four legs, and this was flanked by two candles, one Green, one Gold. There was a couch with three medium sized, fluffy cushions on it, just the right size for one person to lie length-wise, two width wise.

With this the author embarked on a journey of discovery of the rooms. The Laws of Space and Time tried to throw her off a cliff, and in retaliation she ignored them, sending Draco and Hermione to bed with no Incident or Explanation, while the Laws of Space and Time sat quietly on the sofa and sobbed.

Fin.

A/N2: I'm writing chappie 6, don't be disheartened, loyal fans! I hope it will be better.

I'm sorry.