A/N: So...tired...here's a chapter, I hope it is better than the last, and I hope more people review this time!
Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling, nor am I making any money. In fact, I still get pocket money. So if you are looking for money, get fat and sue McDonalds. If you are looking for repeated-not-so-subtle innuendo, read on!
Oh! Special Thanks to Kyra4--who is fabulous and suggested a good deal of stuff I decided to incorporate. Dood...I hate Cuaron too, man...that was tragic... Look, folks, you review, you suggest, you get what you ask for . That's me! The Fanfiction Whore...
-:-Penis!-:-
Harry gloomily bounded out of bed.
hmm...he thought miserably, damien is still asleep…how horrible…
He disconsolately snuck over to Damien's bed and peered at his sex-ay face.
bwahaha…dreadful…when the other boys wake up and find me in bed with damien, it will be all over school in days…
Frowning harder than he ever had before, Harry whipped off his pajama shirt to reveal a sculpted, muscular, white-painted chest—because Quidditch is so good for one's chest—and peeled back the covers…
Hermione woke up feeling refreshed, rejuvenated, and ready to start school.
In a flurry of motion the eye cannot follow, she suddenly dyed her hair to a dark auburn!
"Wait!" The Laws of Space and Time called from its poker game with Incident and Explanation, "It takes time to dye one's hair! Longer than—"
"Actually," said Explanation, "She is such a powerful witch that she can do wand-less self-transfiguration."
"When did that—"
"Last summer. Ante up."
Hermione flung her black lace lingerie from her well-endowed body, grabbed a towel, and ran to the bathroom, where she started a shower in the palatial bathroom. It was silver with scarlet trim, and had two toilets—one with scented water—a double sink with a vanity mirror, a bath-tub as large as a lake, and a shower stall with rosewater and bubble jets.
She sighed happily as steam began to fill the bathroom and started singing.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!" Harry screamed as he peeled back the covers and saw a blonde and decidedly female head lying on Damien's chest. Then, remembering that exclamation points are against the rules and capital letters would get him banished, he changed his scream to an indignant, "ahhhhhh."
Damien sleepily opened his eyes as the blonde girl's head jolted up, "Hey Harry, what's up?"
Harry's eye twitched, "i thought you loved me are you hetero?"
Damien laughed, "Well, d—"
The author hissed from the wings, "No you are not!"
"Oh Harry, of course I'm not hetero! How disgusting! Oh no, I am definitely a fan of the penis. Jenny is only here because…umh…because…"
"I'm Hermione's long lost sister."
hmmm…thought Harry, that's different…
Draco woke up with his teeth pointing out.
Cursing, he made them come back in—no one could know he was a vampire! No one!
As he picked up his towel a fresh change of clothes, he thought about his abused childhood—constantly hit…slapped around…a tiny tear ran down his face and he brushed it away—Malfoys don't cry.
There was a loud, "AWWWWWWWW!" It was the sound of millions of teenage girls offering Malfoy their virginity.
As he came to the bathroom, Draco could see the steam pouring out from under the door and decided to wait for Hermione to come out of the bathroom before showering.
"No!" Hissed the author, "Go in!"
Draco looked shocked, "No! That's rude!"
Then Little Draco said, "So?"
"She'd be mortified!"
"She'd be naked."
"She'd never speak to me again!"
"She'd be naked."
"What if she started crying?"
"She'd still be naked." Little Draco gave Draco a hard poke, "And she might cry on your shoulder…naked."
"All right, I can't disagree with you. In I go."
And with that he opened the bathroom door to a very interesting scene…
Well, I hope you all enjoyed that . Review, my pretties! And maybe I'll put in a crossover...just no Lord Of the Rings...