Author's note: I decided that since, up to this point, the perspective has always been from Zach's point of view, that I would do one chapter devoted to Kendall's thoughts. Specifically, we are doing over the previous chapter from Kendall's point of view.

Chapter 10

Kendall came down the stairs armed with linens. As she entered the living room, she saw that Zach was unfolding the sofa bed. She also saw that he had stripped down to his underwear. She wondered if he was trying to needle her or if she was just paranoid. She doubted he was trying to impress her, but he did anyway. He must get out all that sexual frustration over Maria at the gym. After they made the bed, Zach abruptly lay down and pulled the blanket up over his shoulder. He didn't even ask her which side she wanted, sheesh.

Kendall started to move to the other side of the bed, and paused. Zach might be tired, but she wasn't. Her brain was going a mile a minute. If she turned in now, she wouldn't fall asleep for quite awhile, and she would eventually become consumed with thoughts about being in bed with Zach. Not that she was attracted to him, or anything. Of course not. She would only be thinking about it because this man was Michael's brother and Ethan's father. She had slept with both Michael and Ethan, and so naturally her thoughts would eventually meander in that direction. It had absolutely nothing to do with her realizing for the first time just how fine his body was. A nice body certainly didn't translate to attraction.

She glanced over at the reading nook. Maybe if she read for a little while, that would make her tired enough to go to sleep right away. She asked Zach if the reading light would bother him. He mumbled something about it being fine. She took a few steps towards the reading area. It was so quiet she could almost hear the snow falling. Some imp made her ask Zach if she could play some music. His response was more grumbly this time. She smirked as she turned on the reading lamp. Then she turned on the radio and adjusted the knob so there was no static. Disappointed that the holiday music had ended, she turned to look at the book shelf provided by the landlord. As she perused the pitiful selection, the words of the music on the radio began to penetrate her brain.

"Every night I say a prayer in the hope that there's a heaven
And every day I'm more confused as the saints turn into sinners
All the heroes and legends I knew as a child have fallen to idols of clay
And I feel this empty place inside so afraid that I've lost my faith"

This was how she had felt, all those months that she thought Miranda was dead. As if that wasn't enough heartache, during that time she lost Ryan, in the most humiliating way possible. Her mother had gone on a bender. It just went on and on. The only good thing that had happened was that Ethan had come to town. Ethan, who understood her so completely. He was like a nice dip in a warm spring after she had been tromping through freezing rain. Yet somehow, her feelings for him didn't seem to flow like they should. He didn't seem like someone she could fall for. He was more like, as the saying goes, best friends with benefits. Was she unable to take that next step because she was still in love with Ryan? She shook her head. No, he had shattered her love in a million pieces when he rejected her so harshly. She still cared for him, just like she inexplicably cared for Greenlee. But the hurt was so deep. Anyway, it seemed clear that even though Ethan wasn't exactly Rebound Man, he wasn't going to be the love of her life, either.

"Show me the way, show me the way
Take me tonight to the river
And wash my illusions away
Show me the way"

Kendall listened to the song a little more. The cynical side of her wanted to sneer at the idea that there was someone out there that could wash all her illusions away. But the little child in her pleaded in the same way that the song pleaded to show her the way. She thought of Miranda again, and how that sweet little girl had brought back some hope into her life. She would have liked for Miranda to show her the way, but that was too much responsibility for such tiny shoulders. Kendall would have to find peace on her own.

"Take me to the safe place." Kendall looked up, wondering if she heard correctly. Zach seemed to still be asleep, but his body was twitching and his forehead looked damp. He whispered the phrase again, almost sounding like a plaintive child. Then he sighed deeply, and was quiet again. Kendall stared at him. He was having a bad dream. This man who wielded power and swaggered in arrogance was actually distressed by some personal demon. Kendall wondered what it was about, maybe his past with his father? Up until now, she had always been so amazed by the fact that he had hidden his Cambias identity, that she had never really examined what had led him to take such a drastic step.

What else might have triggered a nightmare? Was he feeling remorse over what he did to Ethan? Was it Maria? They had obviously broken up while she was still Maureen, though Kendall didn't know the details. It seemed apparent to many people in Pine Valley that he wanted her back. It was also apparent that she was attracted to him, but had chosen Edmund. Kendall had never really thought about Zach as having feelings, but he must have feelings if he was pining for Maria. Kendall's eyes drooped, and her mind wandered to Ryan again. For awhile, after he rejected her, she could tell that he was still drawn to her, and she tried to exploit it. Her attempts hadn't worked. She had continued to be rejected over and over and over again. Was that what Zach dreamt about? Was he being rejected over and over again by a laughing demonic Maria, like Ryan did in her dreams? Kendall's eyes closed completely.

"And as I slowly drift to sleep, for a moment dreams are sacred
I close my eyes and know there's peace in a world so filled with hatred
That I wake up each morning and turn on the news to find we've so far to go
And I keep on hoping for a sign, so afraid that I just won't know"

In her dream, Ryan was laughing at her again, his arm draped around Greenlee. This time, instead of hurt, Kendall felt rage. She wanted to go over and slap Ryan hard. The urge grew so great that she stood up. But instead of walking towards Ryan, she turned and walked to the door. As soon as she opened the door, she heard more laughing. She went through the door and saw Maria laughing. She sat in Edmund's lap, and she was staring at Zach in contempt. Kendall walked up to her and slapped her so hard that she flew to the ground. Feeling immense satisfaction, Kendall turned to see Zach's reaction. He smiled at her and held out his hand to her. "Thank you for showing me that she isn't worth the heartache." Kendall smiled back and took his hand. She turned her head to see Maria still crouched on the floor, holding her hand to her cheek. When she stood up, it was no longer Maria, but Erica who looked at her in horror. "What is it with you and these Cambias men?"

"Show me the way, show me the way
Bring me tonight to the mountain
And take my confusion away
Show me the way, show me the way
Give me the strength and the courage
To believe that I'll get there someday
Show me the way"

Kendall was startled awake by a wail of agony. She was stunned to see Zach writhing on the bed, crying "No, no, no!" She rushed over to him and jiggled his shoulder. He sat up abruptly, almost knocking her in the head. He looked at her, confusion in his eyes as he tried to come back to reality. Kendall asked him if he was okay and explained to him what he had done while asleep. His only response was to whisper her name and squeeze her arm. Kendall suddenly felt pulled back into the dream she had been having when Zach woke her up. Or was she still dreaming and none of this was real?

As if reading her mind, he whispered, "Am I real, or am I an illusion?" It sent shivers down her spine. Trying to make light of it, Kendall made a crack about him still dreaming. She lowered her head to see if his eyes were focused. Deciding that was a stupid idea because it brought her closer to him, she started to pull away when Zach's grip on her arm tightened. Her eyes widened. Engulfed by a confusing wave of emotion and physical desire, she almost didn't hear the banging and shouting from outside the cabin.