Road to Nowhere

Part 19

Jack let himself back in the house. Magnum heard him and met him in the foyer.

"You okay, Jack?"

"Peachy," Jack growled feeling like crap physically and emotionally.

"Where's Sam?"

Jack allowed himself a small smile remembering the gravel flying as Sam sped out the drive. "Let's just say that it wasn't so smart to leave your keys in the Ferrari. That woman loves a fast car."

Thomas looked sincerely terrified.

"I see you've ridden with her. I'm sure she'll bring it back in one piece." Jack shrugged, "If not she can put it back together. She's good at crap like that."

"Should be out alone?"

"Probably not. But if she were here we'd probably kill each other by -" Jack stopped and the interior of the house seemed to dissolve into Apophis's dungeon. "Skaara…" he gasped, his knees buckling and Thomas rushed to support him.

Sam drove for hours. She had always found driving cleared her mind and luckily the car had a full tank of gas. As much as she would have loved to let loose in the Ferrari, she was careful to abide the speed limits. It wasn't like she had her diver's licenses, fake or otherwise, tucked into her bikini.

In the course of her drive she realized that even though she probably had some right to be hurt that Jack pushed her away, she had basically acted like a bitch. She also kept hearing the words of her former fiancée over and over in her mind. 'Healer of the emotionally wounded,' he'd taunted her. Jonas was right. Jack was right. She wanted to fix everything and everyone. But some things couldn't be forced into logical order. Some things couldn't be fixed. Some things a person had to do on their own. She had always known Jack to be an intensely private man. She knew he had to face his demons in his own way and was probably trying to protect her from the worst of them. She promised herself, she would be there in whatever manner he allowed her to be.

While she was waiting at a stop light on the way back, Sam stared at the chipped gaudy hot pink polish on her nails as her hands rested on the steering wheel. She really hated seeing the chipped polish. She decided she needed a manicure. She had earlier found in addition to foolishly leaving his keys in the car Magnum had also left a gym bag in the passenger's seat that contained a change of clothes and his wallet. Sam decided she would get a manicure and a pedicure.

Sam quickly found a nail salon and pulled up. She took a navy polo shirt out of the gym bag and pulled it on over her swim suit. Then she put on his over sized flip-flops and walked into the salon.

"Have a nice drive?" Jack asked not even looking up from the chess board separating him from Magnum.

"Lovely," she smiled sincerely at him, feeling a lot more relaxed after her drive and having her nails done. He didn't notice her smile. She didn't mind. She knew how intent he could be at chess.

Jack moved a piece across the board. "Ha!" he smirked. "Checkmate."

"Damn it!" Thomas growled and took a sip of his beer. He looked up noticing Sam standing there for first time. "That's my shirt."

"Well, you know the rule: No shoes, no shirt, no service." She handed him his keys and wallet. "The car's fine. I do owe you a couple of bucks though."

"Tell you what, Sam. You beat him and we'll call it even," Thomas said to her and then glared at the smirking triumphant Jack. Magnum stood and Sam took his place as Jack set the pieces back up. He rotated the board so that she had the black pieces. A peace offering. They normally fought over them.

"Thanks."

Thomas drained the rest of his bottle and asked, "Hey, Sam, you want a beer?"

"Yeah, thanks."

"Grab me one too," Jack called after him.

"No!"

"Sore loser!" Jack taunted, then turned his attention to Sam, "Your move."

Sam studied the board for a moment and the looked up to meet his tired brown eyes. "Jack, look I'm-"

"I know."

"I didn't mean-"

"I know."

"Jack…"

"It's okay."

She nodded and looked down at the board, absently fiddling with the queen.

"I think those are against regulations, too."

"What?" she asked confused and then followed his gaze to her bright red nails. "Yeah, this is better that hot pink though." She held out her foot for his inspection and wiggled her toes.

"Oh, look bloody toes. My favorite."

Sam laughed and they commenced their game. She knew they would be okay now.

Over the next couple of days Jack's nightmarish episodes became increasingly less frequent and there really didn't seem to be any lingering effects. Thomas used his contacts in Navy Intelligence to satisfy his curiosity about a rumor he'd heard about an Air Force officer he'd formerly served with going AWOL. He reported back that the rumor was true and that the Air Force officer in question had apparently abducted his second in command and disappeared without a trace. The NID was investigating but had no idea where they could be. Sam and Jack congratulated themselves and began discussing options.

"So, why don't you stay here? I mean, who would even consider that you decided to take up residence in Hawaii?" Thomas asked.

"That's…actually a very good idea," Jack responded mulling it over. "Whatcha think, Sam?"

"Well, it's not exactly the third world country I was looking forward to living out the rest of my days in, but I guess it'll do," Sam gave him a teasing smile.

Higgins offered them a roof over their heads until a more permanent residence could be found, which oddly didn't take too long. It seemed that Mrs. Yashida and Miss Nanahara had become lonely living in their separate houses alone and decided to only live in one together. They offered Miss Nanahara's former establishment to Sam and Jack to rent at a

ridiculously low rate. They had apparently taken quite a shine to Jack.

A Japanese-style garden separated their new home from their benefactor's house. It was a beautiful house, a combination of traditional Japanese design and 1960's Modernism. Sam liked the simple elegance and clean lines. They both loved the huge widows overlooking a patio complete with a small pool and their own private stretch of beach.

Sam allowed Jack the larger more masculine decorated bedroom. They seemed to reach a mutual unspoken agreement that they needed to take a step back and move slowly in their relationship whatever it may be. Not that really had much time for anything else while they organized their new life.

With the securing of lodgings Jack broke out their new identities. They took off their wedding bands and became Samantha Tesla and Jack Donovan. With the fresh start Sam had also insisted that they visit a salon to restore their normal hair color. Jack was pleased to have his favorite blonde back.

The first official night in their new home, Sam had stayed up late building her new computers in what Jack was referring to as her 'evil lair', complete with quotation marks in the air. She had been so immersed in her project she hadn't even noticed when Jack went to bed. In fact, she hadn't taken any notice of him at all since TC brought her home with her computer components. Well, except when he'd forced her to eat some of the pizza he had ordered for dinner.

As she quickly ate she noticed he seemed to be in pensive mood. He just kind of stared off into space not really seeing or hearing her. Not once did he interrupt her technobabble schpiel. He just let her talk not even pretending to listen and she was too excited about her new computers at the time to notice or wonder at his mood.

She was jarred out of her intense concentration by a scream. The raw nature of the scream caused visions of pain sticks and Goa'uld torturers to flash through her mind. She was quickly on her feet and running to Jack's bedroom, though not before grabbing her new gun.

She found Jack curled up on the bed in a fetal position whimpering like a beaten dog. It was the most disturbing thing she had ever seen in her entire life, even with all her travels across the galaxy. Colonel Jack O'Neill, Intergalactic Hero, did not cower, did not whimper, did not beg, but he was doing all those things now. It broke her heart.

Sam knew she had to be careful when she woke him. She had been briefed before about how to deal with someone having Post-Traumatic Stress nightmares and flashbacks. She carefully sat on the bed. Even the tiny bit that she had jostled the mattress caused him to curl up even tighter, if that was possible.

"Jack, wake up," she said softly and gently. "You're safe, Jack." She carefully reached out to touch his shoulder, wary that he might unconsciously lash out. He began to shake and muttered something in what she thought was Arabic. "Jack, you're okay. It's Sam. You're not there anymore. You're here safe with me. Please wake up."

He was unresisting as she rolled him over onto his back. He flinched as she ran her hand through his sweaty hair, brushing it off his forehead. "Jack, it's okay. You're safe. You're home you're not there. You're safe. Please come back to me."

Something or possibly nothing she said finally clicked and Jack opened his fear filled eyes. "Carter?" he croaked in disbelief. She nodded running a tender hand across his cheek. He turned into her caress, but the fear in his expression didn't go completely away, it just mostly turned to confusion. "What…"

"You were dreaming," she told him as she resumed running her fingers soothingly through his hair.

He took a long shuddering breath and closed his eyes, willing away the memories still racing through his brain. "Go away, Sam," he whispered raggedly. "Please go away."

"No, Jack. You're not pushing me away this time."

"Please, Sam. Just go."

"Why?"

Jack opened his eyes and she was shocked by the raw desperation she saw there. "Because I need you," he whispered raggedly. "I need to feel alive. I need to feel real. And God help me I want more than anything to lose myself in you."

"I'm not going anywhere, Jack."

Jack awoke with a ragged sob. The sickenly sweet scent of burnt flesh lingered from his nightmare. He bolted from the bed to the bathroom and emptying the contents of his stomach until it was only dry heaves. He barely registered the hands rubbing his back in soothing circles. Finally he collapsed bonelessly against the cabinets forcing himself to breathe calmly and deeply. A small cup of mouth wash was pressed into his hand. He obediently swished his mouth out and spit into the toilet before falling back against the cabinet, closing his eyes. A cool damp cloth glided gently over his face and chest, washing away the cold sweat he had awoken in. When he felt sufficiently calm, he opened his eyes and half expected to find himself a world away. Instead he met a pair of concerned blue eyes. "Carter?"

"Yeah, Jack," she smiled reassuringly and reached out to grasp his hand.

He didn't say anything at first seemingly satisfied that she wasn't an apparition. Then his eyes trailed over her naked form and widened in shock a the bruises marring her pale skin. He reached out to touch the bruises on her neck. His fingers trailed down tracing the bruises on her breasts, hips and thighs.

"I did this." He remembered letting go and losing himself in her arms, but he'd thought it was a dream like so many others. He met her calm gaze and found nothing fearful or accusatory. She hadn't flinched away from him when he reached out to touch her. That confused him even more. "God, Sam, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, Jack."

"No, it's not! Look at yourself! I hurt you!" his voice verging on the hysterical.

"No, you didn't," she said calmly. "It's not like you forced me to do something I didn't want, Jack."

"But I look at what I did!"

"Jack, stop. Listen to me. I enjoyed it. There's nothing wrong with a little rough sex now and again. Sometimes we all need it." He still looked aghast. She sighed. "I just bruise easily. You know that. It looks worse than it is. It's not like you're unscathed either. You've got quite a few bruises yourself and your back is probably scratched up."

It was true his back did sting a little, but that was no solace. "I used you, Sam. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do that."

"You didn't use me."

"Please let me make it up to you."

"There's nothing to make up for, Jack."

"Please, Sam. Please let me make it up."

Sam studied him for a second. It hurt her to see him upset over something she had thoroughly enjoyed. She knew when he was like this there was nothing she could say to make him believe that he hadn't hurt her. She knew from experience that Jack O'Neill could lay one hell of a guilt trip on himself and there wasn't anything you could do but allow him to 'make it up' if he wanted to.

She stood and held her hand out to him, "Okay, Jack, whatever you want."

What he wanted was to drive her absolutely insane with his hands and mouth. Their first time in LA had been everything she hoped it would be and more. Then last night when he had sought to lose himself in her one of the most intense experiences as she reveled in his strength and passion. None of her experience with Jack or with any other man had been close

to the all and all assault on her pleasure centers that he had been waging. When she was able of forming a coherent thought she wondered if it was possible to die from pleasure. Screw going out in a blaze of glory on a battlefield, she preferred death by Jack.

She lazily opened her eyes and met apprehensive brown ones. She knew he was silently asking her if everything was okay, but she had no words to express how okay it was. She reached for him and he pulled away. She followed him across the bed, "Your turn, Jack."

"No." He scooted even farther across the sheets.

"What do you mean no?"

"I don't deserve it."

"Trust me, after that you deserve the galaxy on a gold platter," she snuggled up to his back her hands roaming down his chest. His hands stopped hers before they reached there destination.

"No."

She pulled away from him and sat up in the bed. She studied him almost curled up into a fetal position again. Apparently, 'making it up' to her wasn't enough to satisfy his guilt. He had to deprive himself of his release as well. "Jack, please don't hide from me."

"I'm sorry, Sam. Just go to bed," he mutter hoarsely in his pillow.

She looked at him a moment longer, before she laid a hand on his shoulder leaned over to kiss his cheek, "Good night, Jack." She pulled the covers back over her and settled down beside him on the bed.

A few moments later, Jack rolled over to face her, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

"Why should I be?"

"Because I used you…like they did me…like I did Sara," he said whispered so quietly she almost couldn't hear him.

Thinking actions spoke louder than words, she slid over to and snuggled up close to him. This time he didn't move just held her tightly, one arm wrapped securely around her waist and his other hand rested on the column of her neck his thumb stroking her jaw. He took a deep breathe. "After I came back from Iraq, I was in bad shape," he began quietly. She tried to look at him but he kept her head pressed firmly to his chest. When I was in the hospital they had these shrinks come talk to me. But you know me, I told them what they wanted hear but I didn't really tell them anything that really happened. I just wanted to go home, to my wife and my son. Sara didn't visit me much. She couldn't really deal with seeing me like that. I couldn't really blame her, but she wouldn't even bring Charlie to see me. When I finally got home it was hard. Sara was walking on eggshells around me and Charlie just didn't really understand what was wrong with his dad. I knew they'd get over it eventually and it was great to be home, but it just felt like a dream. I was afraid I'd wake up." He paused and let out a heavy sigh. "Sara just didn't really know how to help me with what I was going through. I would wake up screaming, so I slept in the spare bedroom. One night it was just to much. I need my wife.. I needed to feel loved. So I went to her. I didn't mean to hurt her. It wasn't like I hit her or anything, but I scared her. I needed to know it wasn't a dream. I needed her so badly and she was scared. I wasn't the man she'd married." He gave bitter little laugh, "She had me committed. I spent months in psychiatric care. She asked for a divorce and kept Charlie away. I don't know why, but for some reason she started to come to see me and we got counseling together. We eventually worked things out, but it wasn't ever the same as before. I think maybe she was always a little afraid of me even before that. I hated that. I hate being out of control. I don't want you to be afraid of me. I don't think I could stand it."

Sam didn't know what to say, she had never known Jack to be so open before. Part of her hated Sara for turning her back on Jack, because she knew he would never really hurt anyone that he cared for. But then part of her understood it. Jack had needed professional help whether he wanted it or not. It said a hell of a lot about how he pulled himself from the brink that he wasn't given a medical discharge after that. She pressed a kiss to his chest, "I have never been afraid of you, Jack."

His hand moved up to ruffle her hair and she felt him press his lips to her forehead. "I love you, Sam."

"I know. I love you too, Jack." His arms tightened around her. "Do you know why I had level three advanced training?" she softly asked. "Given my position in the Air Force before the SGC, I didn't really need it."

"I had wondered."

"You remember Jonas Hanson?" She felt him nod. "Remember how I said he liked to be in control? He used to like to control me. He only got physical once, but it was enough. I though he was going to kill me." She felt him tense up. "I didn't want to ever feel like that again so. I learned how to protect myself. My point is the reason I was attracted to Jonas in the first place is that he had the potential to be dangerous. That was appealing to me and he did scare me, even before he physically hurt me. That was part of the reason I was attracted to you too, but the difference is you've never made me feel anything but completely safe. I trust you and I'm not afraid of you. So please don't feel guilty. You didn't hurt me."

"Okay, Sam. Point made." He tipped her chin up and gave her a tender lingering kiss. "I almost wish that bastard was still alive so I could kill him myself." She pulled out of his arms. "Where you going?"

"Nowhere." She sat up and straddled his hips. "We have some unfinished business." She leaned down and kissed him.

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TBC