Hey everyone,
I know it has once again taken me a very long time to get another chapter up but I have once again been very busy. and if any of you have noticed that this part of the story is going a bit slow is because I had to get some of the techincal stuff out of the way before I could get to the next juicy scene! But don't worry one is in the works and on the way soon, so please be patient and keep reading!
Diary of Ginny Weasley
Everything is so quite here, but it's not a calm quite but an eerie and forboding quite. Ron and I still haven't spoken since we arrived two days ago, Mom and Dad seem distracted and overly worried about things they don't speak of. Though I get the feeling it has a lot to do with Harry's condition. Fred and George come and go through out the day and were here for dinner last night and tried many things to make me and Ron laugh, mostly I would laugh just because I didn't want their efforts to be wasted. Oops it's time for breakfast…will write more later!
Oh Merlin….what is happening to me? After eating with Ron, Mom, Dad, and Lupin at breakfast mom asked me if I wanted to go and see Harry…and of course I did! I'm surprised she even had to ask. At his bed room door on the complete opposite side of the house Mom let me go in alone, and there he was sleeping. He was curled up tightly under the covers of his blanket and from the door I could just make out the mess of jet black locks from beside the pillow. Taking a deep breath, expecting the worst I walked to the side of his bed. I could feel him there, like a part of my mind was buzzing with the connection and the proximity to him.
"Harry?" I whispered softly and he did not respond. I tried again a bit louder but still he did not wake or make any motion that he had heard me. There was a small stool sitting next to his bed and I sat there just before reaching out to touch him.
At the lightest touch on his blanket covered shoulder he jerked awake and sat up suddenly in the large four poster bed. I retracted my hand quickly and couldn't control the gasp that flew from my lips as I saw him well for the first time in almost four weeks. His hair was longer and messier than ever, he was extremely thin so much that his cheek bones were showing from his pale skin, but it was his eyes that frightened and worried me for him. Once they were such a lovely emerald full of laugher , love and care and now they were wild with darkened tints of black and amber, those orbs had seed horrible things…things that I could feel just by looking into them.
He turned away from me in the bed.
"Harry?" my voice was broken as though on the verge of tears and I fought them mercilessly. He didn't answer, nor did he show any sign of answering. I knew it was pointless to try again. Closing my eyes I concentrated on the warm buzz in the back of my mind that I knew was his presence, the connection that we shared….shared….I sent to him all the love, caring , and concern I could gather. I felt him try to block it, he could keep me out of his mind but he couldn't break the connection…whatever it is….and I felt him tense and heard a soft sob break from his lips. He moved to the opposite side of the bed and put his head in his hands, his pale fingers running through this dark strands of hair.
Startled I just sat watching his shuddering back for a long time before I finally stood and walked to where he was and knelt down in front of him. I didn't touch him, some how I knew he didn't want to be touched.
"Harry…." I whispered again, but in a less urgent and more calm way. I felt the question and doubt in his mind and I sighed.
"Harry….please….you can't keep killing yourself over this…." I whispered my head lowering to examine my hands in my lap. I felt him more than actually saw him look up at me, but I did not return to look into those eyes of his.
"I…I know what happened…and I…I'm so sorry…but if you let this kill you then they've won…and everything any of us has ever done was for nothing…..but you can't let them win…you just can't Harry…." My voice faltered and I felt a tear run down my cheek despite how much I was fighting it. I hadn't meant to say anything quite so serious, I don't even know what my intentions were by trying to talk to him.
We sat there in silence for a long time, I felt his mind wondering, questioning…searching for answers that I didn't have and I felt ashamed and sorry that I couldn't help him.
Just as I was about to leave he finally spoke, "It's over …but this is not the end…" I looked up at his barely audible whisper, he wasn't looking at me but out the window , his eyes looked sad and like so many of the people I love around me he looked so much older than he truly was. I started to say something but nothing came out of my opened mouth as I sat there staring up at him.
He turned his head and finally looked down at me, his eyes were so cold, and sad…reminding me of Hermione when she first came back to school last year…so empty.
"You were right, Ginny…he betrayed me…." He said in a dark whisper, I was surprised to see a tear to match mine down his cheek. "He betrayed her too….and I couldn't save her…" he shook his head lightly and then rested it back in his hands like a man who had lost everything in the world, "I can't save anyone….I never can…"
"Oh, Harry…" I whispered as I moved to sit on the bed beside him longing to touch and comfort him.
"I…I killed him, Ginny…I can still…feel it…the way it felt as his pulse stopped—"
" But you had to—"
"No I didn't!" he said harshly and looked back at me, "I didn't have to…he should have gone to jail…but I…I killed him…and…Oh god Ginny I liked it!" he said moving away from the bed to stand at the window, his hands clinched into fists at his sides as he pressed his brow against the window. I watched him in confusion and shock, he couldn't have actually said what he just had, could've he? I noticed for the first time since I had walked into the room that he wore only a pair of baggy sleep pants and that he had several long cuts and greenish bruises across his back and side that must have been much worse a month ago.
"W..what do you mean?" I asked ,my voice shaking.
"I mean…that when I killed him….as it was happening…I …it wasn't disgusting…I…longed to make his heart stop…but afterwards….when I had…realized what I had done…I just…." His shoulders sunk and I felt his pain and sorrow…and his desire to have killed himself for taking another persons life, and for having been tricked and betrayed again leading someone else to be killed.
"Harry…" I gasped a bit shaking my head at his overwhelming emotions, "None of this was your fault." I said moving closer to him.
"How can you say that?" He asked not turning to look at me.
"Because it's the truth." I stepped right behind him and finally reached out to touch his bare shoulder and he finally turned around to look at me. "Because no one blames you….everyone knows that it was not your fault, Harry."
"I'm a murderer…and I put so many people at risk—" tears were now flowing slowly from his emerald eyes.
"Each and everyone of us knows and willingly accepts the risks of the lives we choose by your side….no listen to me---" I said as he started to turn back away from me and I gripped his wrist and pulled him back to me.
"You can't keep blaming yourself every time something like this happens…bad things are going to happen and many of them you can and never will be able to stop….no one blames you for anything...everyone is so worried about you---"
"Just because I am their saviour." He said bitterly.
"No…Harry…it's because we love you…." I said then bit my lower lip wishing I would learn to keep my mouth shut. "I don't love you because some damned seer said that you would save us all….I love you because you are a kind, generous, courageous and loyal human being. Mom and Dad have seen you as one of the family since you met Ron---"
"But Ron was only my friend because Dumbledore asked him to be…and you're parents knew about it….I know they did, I can read the guilt on them every time I see them…"
I couldn't help but smile a bit, "Harry they are guilty because they know that they should have told you about it…but they didn't want to hurt you…not to mention the fact that you were a hero to Ron before he even met you, he would have died to be your friend even with out the letter from Dumbledore."
"But I'm not a hero! I was only famous because Voldemort killed my parents and I survived….who wants to be famous for that?"
"No one harry but that's not my point…Dumbledore never asked my parents to let you stay here all the time, never asked them to care about you like they do, he never asked them to love you like they do….Harry no matter what you want to think my family considers you a part of it…and we wont just let you drown in some pool of depression and self doubt over something that was not your fault!" I said a bit loudly and he looked into my eyes with mild surprise before looking down at where my hand held his wrist.
We were both silent for a long time and I took a deep breath and finally released his hand and turned to leave him to his thoughts.
"Thank you, Ginny…." He whispered but he knew I would have been able to hear him.
"You're Welcome…I'll bring you something to eat in a little while…" I said before walking out the door. Once I closed it I leaned back against it and shut my eyes wishing that I would have had the courage to comfort him and fighting the desire to run back inside and pull him into my arms and tell him that everything was going to be okay, but I'm not even sure if it is going to be. We have lost so many people already. How many more will we have to lose before the end of this war?
I moved away from the door knowing that he could feel what I was feeling and I didn't want him to worry about me or the things that I am concerned about , he is already going through so much. I brought him a sandwich but he and I didn't speak as I left it on the desk in his room, he was still standing there staring out the window to the muggle street below that couldn't see him. I watched him for a moment, not even sure if he knew I was there or not.
Dinner time….Write more later…
At dinner tonight Mom and I were talking about a few spells that would help us clean out the attic up stairs when the door bell rang, making us all jump and for the portrait of Mrs. Black to begin screaming curses and vile things as mom cursed about telling everyone to not ring the door bell then told us all not to move as she went to answer it. All of us being Ron, Lupin , Dad and me who just chuckled and went back to eating the stew mom had made. When the door to the kitchen reopened I couldn't help but smile widely.
"Ahhhh!" Ron jumped up from his seat quickly as Hermione pressed her cold hands to the back of his neck, causing us all to laugh. When Ron finally saw who had scared him his expression changed faster than Tonk's hair color and he embraced his girl friend with a huge hug and even spun her around before she squeeled and fwaped him telling him to put her down. When he kissed her full on the mouth just as mom walked in I expected either her or dad to say something but they both just looked at them with strange and similar expressions and I felt a stab of pain in my chest. None of us knew what would happen in the coming months, letting those two have their happiness as long as it lasted was something that my parents wouldn't dream of taking away from them.
It made me long for Harry more than I knew I could long for some one and the small sharp pain in my chest grew steadily sharper. I wondered if I would ever love anyone as much as I loved him…would he ever love me? Would I ever be able to be with someone before I died in this war? But how could he ever love me? I'm not what he wants…am I just meant to be alone? Should I just forget about how much I love him ? Suddenly the pain grew stronger, as though something sharp had pierced my hear and I gasped audibly as it took over my chest and I unconsciously gripped my shirt and tried to move away from the table. Dad turned to me and I saw his face cloud with sudden concern but I couldn't really hear what he was saying to me.
There were little white stars in my vision , it was hard to breath as I finally stood from the table I fell back…gasping I moved past my brother and Mom tried to reach for me but I moved away from her , the pain was so intense there were tears in my eyes. I finally stumbled and was falling for what seemed like forever when he caught me. Everyone surrounded us but only his voice broke through the fog of my pain.
"Ginny…Ginny…" he called over and over in a sweet soft voice. I couldn't see him as my vision was consumed by black but I could feel him, in my mind and in my body, I could feel him. He was here with me…he had come to me. Slowly the pain ebbed away and my vision returned and there he was over me, looking into my face with utter concern. As I blinked a few times he smiled down at me relief spreading over his features.
"Hi…" I whispered and he smiled a bit and pulled me into his bare arms. I heard mom give a sob.
"Oh Ginny are you alright!" She exclaimed and as Harry released me a bit I nodded. Slowly he helped me stand up, keeping his arms around me as I felt sharp pain in my head.
"What happened?" Harry asked in a raspy voice next to me and I felt him look at the others in the room.
"We don't know…" Ron started, "Just after Hermione walked in the room she started breathing really hard and clutching her shirt like she was having a heart attack."
"No if she were having a heart attack Ron her arm would have hurt first." Hermione said in her usual bookworm way. "What? My dad is a dentist he had a lot of medical books around when I was a kid." She blushed.
"I'm fine…" I tried to say but the room was spinng.
"No I think you need to go lay down." Mom said in a flustered voice and I nodded which caused a fresh wave of dizziness and pain and I swayed in Harry's arms.
"I'll take her." He said and mom opened her mouth to object but quickly closed it, I guess it had something to do with the fact that Harry was still only half dressed. (Which I didn't realize till later, hehe). Anyway, he let me lean on him heavily as we made our way up the stairs. I can still feel how warm he was against me as we walked slowly up each step, I wish that my mind hadn't been so clouded by the residing pain so that I could have enjoyed it more. Once at the door to the room that I was staying at his god father s house he opened the door for me.
"Are you going to be alright?" he asked in his normal horse concerned tone as I tried my best not to look at him. I nodded a bit and tried to move in through the door on my own but I was still very dizzy and he ended up having to walk with me into the darkened room. Once I was able to sit on my bed at the center of the room I took a few deep breaths.
"Ginny…what..what is happening to us?" he asked after letting me go to sit and he stood in the darkness beside me. Suddenly I felt cold with out his arms around me and I sighed deeply before leaning back against my pillows.
"I…I honestly don't know.." I whispered into the dark just before he lit the lamp beside my bed. "You felt it didn't you?"
I asked looking up at him and I noticed the very distracted look in his emerald eyes , he wasn't even looking at me but at the dancing flame in the lantern. I smiled a bit as I admired the way the light highlighted the angles of his face.
"yes…" he said after a long moment of silence, "I can feel everything you feel…but only when you are near me…I could feel your emotions and sense your thoughts…but the actual pain I was only aware of…I couldn't feel it myself." He said as though not really talking to me but to himself as though trying to figure it all out.
"W…what do you think it means?" I asked, wishing my voice didn't sound so panicked.
He shook his head then and sighed deeply before moving to sit on the side of my bed.
"I don't know….but…what was it that caused you such pain….what were you thinking about? I know it wasn't anything good…but I didn't want to push into reading your actual thoughts---" he cut off then and looked at me with a strange expression, as though he had just finally figured something out
"What?" I asked tilting my head to one side as he just continued to stare at me and I felt my cheeks go flush with heat.
"I…you were thinking about me…" he said without question and I lowered my head as though slightly ashamed.
"Yes…"
"But why would thinking cause you physical pain?" he wondered his voice soft and dazed.
"I….I don't know….maybe—" I started but then broke off with a choking sound as I realized that a tear was falling down my cheek.
"What…what is it?" he asked and I could feel his eyes looking all over me as though he expected me to be clutching my chest in pain again.
"Nothing…it's nothing Harry…" I said finally with a smile and lifted my head with a fake smile, "I'll be fine…I think I am just going to go to sleep now… thank you for walking me back to my room." I said with another smile hoping that he would leave so I could cry in peace. He blinked a bit, surprised , but then nodded and stood to leave. Once the door was closed behind him I crumbled and let my tears fall freely. I know what I was going to say…maybe…maybe I was in pain because I just couldn't stand the thought of being with out him? Maybe it was because my heart was breaking….