Well hello!
This is another chapter for all of thoses of you who are still reading . I know it has taken a while to actually get back into the story line but I had alot of ground to cover. Anyway! This chapter is rated R for sexual content! Please do not read ifsex makes you uncomfortable. Please read and review!
-Phantom Writer.
Diary of Harry Potter
What is happening to me? Everything is strange, distant, changing. I guess the only thing that is constant in my life is change. Makes no sense does it? Why when the past few weeks I have been filled with heart break, depression, and self doubt do I now feel alive again? Why do I feel so happy when I have lost someone I loved? When I have been the cause of so much pain, how can I deserve this happiness? I fear that this is not meant to be, and that I will end up more hurt than before in the end. I guess the question now is weather or not the things that happen in between the beginning and the possible end are worth the outcome. Am I just being stupid? Is Ginny right that Draco only tricked me into loving him? That I was so desperate for love that I could find it even in my enemy?
But now I have Ginny…and my thoughts drift less and less to that part of my life…the emotions and desires I had for Draco have become faded, like a memory. Yet still inside me there is a hallow place, like I am still missing apart of myself.
It's been almost two weeks since we all arrived back at the burrow, my training with drill sergeant wizard from the past still continues. Every morning he wakes me up before everyone else and insists that I fight him with a sword. I don't know how I am suppose to be learning anything of value from him when I know that Voldemort wont even think about using a sword to fight me! And it's not as though he really takes it easy on me, by the end of the morning session I am sore and bruised. Even though he is mixing the Mage Magic, which is what he calls wand-less magic, with the sword play I was still missing the point. That is until on a particularly frustrating day, yesterday to be exact, the wizard out smarted me and slammed the hilt of his sword into my jaw, sending me flying across the yard.
I was already very worked up by now, my shoulder was badly beaten, and my temper got the best of me. Standing I saw the normal coy expression on my teachers face and I lost it, charging at him full force in my animagus form, which I soon learned was very, very stupid of me. Before I even reached him my entire body was frozen in mid air and I was totally unable to move in any direction.
"Now now…Harry…you have got to learn that your anger is a weapon that your enemies can use against you." He said as he circled me, his sword back in it's holster on his hip and he crossed his arms over his chest. "If your enemies know that they can get to you by making you angry then they will do so. You must show that you have no weakness, even if you do…you must hide them. That's how people get hurt." He said in a softer voice, the last sentence he looked very sad, just as he waved his and I fell from my frozen animagus state to my human form on the ground.
Rubbing my sore jaw I looked up at him, "What are you talking about? My anger can't get other people hurt…well not other than the one I am trying to take my anger out on." I said with a small shake of my head and to my surprise Vaynel turned on me. Was I seeing things or were there sparks in his purple eyes?
"You foolish boy. You're anger could be your downfall…and then what would be come of everyone else? Not to mention that when you are angered your powers overwhelm you! You could hurt anyone around you without knowing it. You must learn to control your powers along with your emotions!" he said heatedly as his hand gripped his sword hilt.
But I was too heated my self to back down to his angry , yet powerful, words. "Is that why you are teaching me how to play with toys! The Death Eaters would never even dream of picking up a sword let alone try and fight with one! Why don't you teach me control instead of this crap?" I yelled in return throwing my hands up in frustration.
"This is teaching you control! It also teaches you how to be light on your feet, to dodge spells, to fight even when you have no strength and no weapons. There is a limit to your magical abilities and when you meet that limit you will be totally unable to defend yourself unless you learn different methods." He said coolly apparently haven gotten control over his lose anger.
I looked at him and opened my mouth to yell something else at him but there was nothing I could say to that and I lowered my head and tried taking a few deep calming breaths before looking back up at him.
"Sorry." I said but not with out a note of bitterness still hanging in my voice.
"Well, it's a start at least." He said and to my surprise he smiled at me a genuine smile.
After that I felt a bit better about getting my arse kicked all the time by the Mage and I have found that I am getting faster on my movements and dodges. Also I am still working on my temper, but there are so many frustrating things going on in my head all the time that when provoked I just lose all control. The nightmare I had before leaving Grimmuald place has yet to be repeated, thank goodness, but now I am haunted by the images of those faces every night so I sleep very little. Draco's voice has yet to be repeated either, and I have stopped hoping that it will return. Since the events of last night I have really begun to doubt that my feelings for him were genuine.
Last night….I probably should have written about that first…
Woken by the images of the dream I was unable to return to sleep, and I actually didn't want to considering I knew what I would find in my subconscious. I decided to go and get some fresh air, like I do many nights. Dressing in a pair of jeans and a shirt I left the Burrow as quietly as possible. There was a crescent moon over the black sky, since there were no lights on anywhere the stars in the sky could be seen perfectly. Walking out to the paddock, where I practiced Quidditch with Ron, Fred, and George, I felt her presence there. I leaned against the old wooden fence , that was probably only being held up by magic, and looked around for her.
I jumped back a bit when I saw her twenty feet above me flying her broom at a casual speed around in a large circle. She moved gracefully and the wind whipped her loose red hair behind her slowly. The small amount of light offered by the moon barely showed the angles of her face and I watched her entrapped by the vision of her flight. Even from that distance above me I could feel her emotions, the night air and the act of flying its self calmed her and helped her sort her troubled thoughts and feelings. Ever since our strange kiss in the shed she has been very distant around me, only speaking every now and then and not more than one or two words. But I could still sense and feel her, more than I could feel anything or anyone else in the house I could feel her. She tried her best to avoid me but when you are as connected to someone as I am to her she knew that I could feel everything she felt and was unable to hide her consistent love for me, battling with herself every moment she looked at me.
"Ginny…." I whispered to her though she was a great distance away. She didn't appear to hear or see me still the same. I closed my eyes and searched my mind for the glowing ember that was the connection between us and called to her. This time she stopped mid air and turned around to see me on the ground. A bright smile broke over her features but I could feel the nervousness and dread that also arose with in her along with the pleasure of seeing me.
Landing in front of me I smiled at the flushed color of her cheeks from and how wind blown her long hair was. She wore a pajama matching top and pants with small white sandals.
"What are you doing out here?" she asked me in a breathless way and I shrugged.
"Couldn't sleep…you look great up there." I said, and it was then I realized I was staring at her, my eyes wondering freely over her face and body and she blushed brightly and adverted her eyes from mine.
"Another nightmare?" she asked in a whisper and I looked at her with surprise. "Yeah I know about them…I don't know what they are about but I can feel it when you have them." She said in the same tone as she walked around the gate to where I was standing, her broom at her side.
"Oh…" I said dumbly with a small shake of my head. "Why…why have you been avoiding me?" I asked though I knew the answer and she looked up at me with a small sad smile.
"Because I can't deny the way I feel about you….and being near you just creates so many …difficult emotions. It's not fair to either of us. I want us to be friends, but it hurts being so close to you and unable to…be with you." She said in a broken voice and turned her back to me.
"I'm sorry…I didn't mean to—"
"You didn't do anything, Harry….it's not your fault you don't have any feelings for me."
I closed my eyes and sighed deeply, I could feel everything she was feeling. The acceptance of me never being able to love her was eating away at me. I couldn't deny how this connection between us pulled me to her, how I needed to feel her around me because she was the only person I could truly trust. We were silent as I walked behind her to the broom shed, she walked inside and put her broom beside the others against the wall then walked back out to lean against the back of the building looking up at the stars above us as though deep in thought.
"Wh…what if I do…" my voice broke the silence between us in a horse whisper.
She turned and looked at me as though I had lost my mind.
"What if you do what?" She asked with wide eyes and I could feel the hope and doubt battling inside her.
"What if….I do…feel something for you?" I asked slowly, taking a cautious step towards her, my heart beat was racing inside my chest and I could feel her excitement at that one simple step.
"Harry…don't…don't play with me…" she said , her breath growing deeper.
"I'm not, Gin…I can't deny that I feel something for you. The way we are so connected, how I can feel everything you feel just draws me in. Not only that but you're so kind, and honest…you've always been there for me even if I haven't always been there for you…I..I can't say that I am in love with you….but I do have feelings for you. I don't know what I would do if I ever lost you. I know I've put you through a lot and I could never expect you to---"
I couldn't even finish my sentence, while I had been speaking I had been taking slow steps to her and at this moment she closed the space between us. The soul shattering kiss stole my breath away. Everything outside of she and I seemed to vanish as our arms wrapped around one another and our tongues swirled together in a passionate kiss. I was instantly flooded by her emotions as I released any shield or hold on the connection that binds us together and I gasped, breaking the kiss as her love, desire, and happiness rolled through me like a wave.
Our eyes met and I saw the desire and question written in her brown orbs and I smiled softly. Her lips were red and swollen from the kiss and her cheeks were flushed a flattering shade of red. We stared into one another's eyes for a long moment, savoring one another's mixed emotions and the pleasure they caused us both.
"Harry…." She whispered, my name a horse prayer from her lips called to me on every level of myself and I brought my lips back to hers. I slid my arms down her small waist and pushed my body flush against hers, her back pressing against the shed behind her as she moaned lightly at the contact of our bodies. Doubt and fear flickered in her mind and I tried to send to her all the comfort I could, showing her what I felt for her, and how much I needed her. Our mouths moved over one another, one of her hands smoothing through my hair as my aroused body pressed softly against hers.
She broke the kiss to toss her head back and moan, I wondered at that sound for an instant before I felt her pleasure. My erection was pressing against her firmly and the excitement, joy and extreme need that she felt from the contact poured over me and I groaned. I knew each touch would bring new sensations, new emotions…and I craved them, for with each one, unspeakable amounts of pleasure shocked my body and I desired more and more of them.
I moved my hands beneath her shirt as my lips took to her neck, since her head was tilted back. I planted sweet kisses down her sensitive flesh to each one she gasped lightly and I was rewarded with her pleasure causing emotions, and my desire grew to dangerous levels. I wanted her so badly that I didn't care were we were or who could possibly find us, all that mattered was that I not stop touching her.
"Harry…oh please…" she whispered in a deliciously hungry voice.
I pulled back from her, causing a disappointed cry from her lips and she brought her eyes to mine with a questioning thought and I smiled to only pull her nightshirt from her torso and up over her head. She wore nothing beneath it and she stood there willingly for my gaze in the soft light the moon and stars provided. As I looked over her hungrily her breath was heavy and she was trembling slightly. I pressed back against her with a low growl, her bare breasts pressing against me, animalistic desire feeding the fire in my loins. After another long wonderful kiss I dipped my head to capture one hardened pink nipple between my teeth. She gasped and moaned loudly, one of her hands smoothing through my hair and the other around my back holding on to me as though she was afraid she would fall. Pleasure, her pleasure, physical and metaphysical rushed over me and my erection jumped in response. I was painfully hard but I wanted to tease and touch every part of her before letting it end.
I swirled my tongue over her sensitive bud , my other hand moving to firmly grip and mold her other breast and she began grinding against me. The heat was rising between us and a thin line of sweat covered her soft flesh. I broke away from her delicate nipple and her lips found mine again. Her hands moved between us and she fought to unbutton my shirt, with help she managed to get it off my shoulders and pull me against her.
We gasped together as our bare chests touched the feel of our hot skin pressed together was too much and lust over came us both. Our mouths worked together in a series of furious hot kisses as we quickly fought to be rid of the rest of our clothing. She was naked before me and I was over come with uncontrollable lust to be inside her, to feel the emotions it caused, to feel her pleasure relayed back and forth between us. I moaned at the very idea, watching as her small hand unzipped my pants and released my rigid sex from my pants. I leaned my hand against the wall behind her as her hand came in contact with the overly sensitive flesh and she stroked me slow and hard for a few moments. I shuddered violently as her thumb swirled the drop of fluid on the tip around the head of my member.
"Oh…gods…Ginny!" I thought to her as my eyes closed, pleasure riveting my every pore.
"Yes….oh…Harry…" she thought in response, and her pleasure at our communicating without words trilled her and myself. I was so pulled to her, so needy so desperate for her I couldn't wait any longer and she knew it. A low growl rose in my throat, something within my core was pulling me to her, swirling emotions and lust taking over all thought as I pushed her hand away from my throbbing sex. I hadn't even finished undressing but it didn't matter, I had to have her. As before in the locker room a few months ago my hands went to her bare hips and I pulled her up against the wall so that her legs could wrap around my waist.
A flash of fear flicked into my mind , not my own but Ginny's but it was too late to turn back now, and as my sex found her soaking wet, hot center I drove into her In one fluid motion. A soft yell broke from both our mouths. I can't even begin to describe how insanely amazing that feeling was. Wave after wave of her deliciously sinful pleasure and emotions shocked my body and I climaxed instantly but I couldn't stop. I rocked into her with a wave of my hips and she cried out as intense pleasure flooded her body, I know because I felt it too.
All incoherent thought was lost, all that mattered was the pleasure, the connection between our mind and our bodies as I drove in and out of her with deep and long thrusts. Her center was soaked as though she was climaxing over and over, her fingernails dug into the flesh of my back only enticing me more to push further inside her.
"Yes…oh…yes…" her mind cried to mine and our lips met again in a wondrous kiss, her unconditional love for me flowed easily into my body, mind and heart.
"Ginny…oh…I love you…"I thought to her without thinking, but I knew I did. How could I feel so much for her and not love her? How could our physic connection be only a coincidence? I let my feelings flow through that connection and into her and I was rewarded with all of the love and desire that her heart could hold. As our worlds melded together love, lust, and pleasure consuming us both we climaxed together, moaning loudly and crying out one another's names.
After letting ourselves come down from the after effects of our orgasms we slowly redressed ourselves. I realized that the connection between us was now even stronger, I could sense every tiny thing about her, how she was moving, how her body temperature was slowly cooling from the sexual encounter, and how her passion had not yet abated. I felt her fear as I stood there watching her dress, she thought I was going to leave her now, and tell her it was all a mistake, but she was wrong. I did love her, I knew it the moment I was inside her, how perfect it felt, how connected we became. And how even standing there beside her I wanted her.
"I …Um…" she started to say once she was fully dressed, but I wouldn't let her speak, I simply pulled her into my arms and kissed her deeply and she fell against me.
"Ginny…I do love you…." I said, pressing my brow against hers after I broke the kiss. She slid her arms around me and sighed deeply. "I just…never realized it until now…gods how could I have been so blind?" I asked myself with a shake of my head.
"What..what about….Draco…" she asked in a broken voice.
"I…I don't know…It's hard to love someone who hates you…and I still don't know if it was all just a trick…which is very possible…but I can't keep telling myself that I don't have feelings for you or love you…not after what I felt through you a minute ago….this connection between us means something, Ginny…I don't know how, but the fact that I have realized I love you has only made it stronger."
"Harry …I.---" she started to say and I could feel her doubt her questioning mind.
"No…please…. Ginny I want to be with you…please…I know I've hurt you but please….give me a chance…" I said in a soft whisper that sounded broke and pleading. She sighed deeply and shook her head before looking up into my eyes and kissing me sweetly.
"I love you too, Harry." She said with a smile and I hugged her tightly.
After walking her to her room and saying a long good night I went to my room slept for the first time in months with out a single nightmare. It's incredible how different I feel, how alive I feel right now. I never thought that I would ever be able to love again, but my heart is full with the feelings that I have for her now. And the memories of Draco seem faded and lost, as though it never happened. And my lightheartedness makes me a bit nervous. Were the things I felt for Draco really apart of some game, some spell? Or did I really love him and he was only playing with me? What is going to happen if I see him again? How will I feel? Suddenly , now with Ginny, I doubt that I will feel anything. My heart is so full with love for her that I don't mourn my relationship with Draco. It's the past…and it doesn't matter. I love Ginny and I know there is nothing that will ever change that.
This connection between Ginny and I still confuses and slightly worries me. I think that I will mention it to Vaynel tomorrow morning, there is something about it that seems too strange, like I shouldn't be able to talk with her mind to mind, can other wizards do that? Or is there something really wrong with both of us?