...THE DISCLAIMER... none of the characters, likenesses or anytning like that belongs to me, i just like naruto and have a think for kakiru fics smiles i dont claim any of the character or their names to be mine and just wrote this for funs sake. now that i have the legal mumbo jumbo over with....
ive read many kakiru fics but not many of them focus on Kakashi in moments of emotional distress. i guess this is because he is supposed to be, after all, emotionless, but i thought it would be interesting too the jounins side of things for a change....
...chapter 1: realisation
a figure lay in a darkened room. Not moviong, barely breathing, the only sounds being the occasional dry cough followed by faint sniffing, and the rustle of the curtains waving in the breeze coming through the open window. The figure stirred as the cold wind stroked his bare arms. He groaned and turned, burying his head in the tangled covers.
"I wish it would all just go away......please, just leave me alone."
He lay, and he waited. What was he waiting for? Kakashi wasn't sure himself. Maybe he was waiting for the pain to go away. He didnt think that was likely. Maybe he was waiting for...he didnt even want to THINK their name. It seared across his mind like a branding iron. He knew he was waiting for them to come back, like the fool he was. He laughed bitterly and his breath caught as his laughter became a sob. He choked it back and looked around the room.
There was a memory in every corner, on every surface. He stood and walked around the room. A net shirt left discarded on the chair, hairbands on the dressing table, photos in frames lying either in disarray on the dresser or smashed on the floor. He bent and cleared some broken glass from a photograph, lifting it gingerly as though scared to look at it. He studied the two figures...both smiling, one tall and silver haired, with arms around the smaller brunette in front of him. He traced the outline of the second figure with trembling figures. He couldnt believe how far he had fallen for this person. He fell, he drowned, and now he was lost.
Lost...he had felt like that for what seemed to be forever, until they had found him... He gripped the picture and stood up, walking over to the chair to the chair in the corner, where the net shirt lay. inside it was a plain t-shirt the wearer had worn underneath. Kakashi couldnt help but smile. Typical, he though. He brought the shirts to his nose, inhaling the scent of sweat, tinged with the fresh flowery soap the wearer always used. His head reeled as he recalled when the shirt was thrown onto the chair, and exactly why it smelled of sweat.... He clutched the clothes and photo to his chest and sat heavily down on the bed.
"Why?", he whispered into the darkness.
He smelled them again, buring his face in the soft fabric as it brought back memories of gentle, searching fingers, teasing kisses and hours spent lost in the joy of each other in the velvet shroud of the night.
"Oh God your smell, and your taste....oh, your face, it plagues me", he choked between the soft whimpers that had replaced the dry, wracking sobs that left him sore and exhausted, longing for the once-sweet respite of sleep. Ahhh, to sleep, perchance to dream....but that was the problem. He didnt want to dream because they only contained the same thoughts that filled his every waking moment. Sometimes it would be different, and he would dream of better days, happy times when he had never had to say what he did and would never have to watch his only love close the door on him.
Oh yes, its so easy just to close the door...
But the happiness was short-lived and always followed by the paralysing realisation that he really was alone and would maybe never see that beautiful face smile once more... "Oh your eyes...they were like molten chocolate. I felt like i was drowning in them everytime you looked at me", he moaned as he recalled the soft brown gaze that had smiled at him so tenderly, enveloping his senses with a mere glance. Kakashi clenched his fists and grimaced. You idiot, Kakashi, he thought angrily, you complete and utter idiot. Why did you let your damn pride make you throw away the best thing thats ever happened to you?
Because you were scared, werent you?
Scared? Scared of what?
You know what...
That i'd be left for someone else?
Maybe....you're just scared of being hurt.
Hahaha, no i dont hink so...he's not capable of that.
How do you know?
Kakashi shook his head. No, that wasnt it, was it? Was he just scared Iruka would leave him first? No, thats just absurd....
Is it? You know youd rather get in there first...save having to show any real emotion in front of him...you dont want to look....
Weak.
Suddenly it hit Kakashi. It made perfect sense. He just couldnt stand the thought of Iruka ever leaving him, telling him he didnt love him anymore, so hed found it easier just to get out before that happened. His accepting the Hokages mission was just a convenient excuse.....
...TBC...
well, thats the end of my first fanfic. this is the revised version but nothing has been changed from the original except spelling and things like that. constructive criticism is most welcomed, i hope i didnt do too badly......tune in next time for confessions and confusions in Too Lost In You part 2
Toodles!