...THE DISCLAIMER... none of the characters, likenesses or anything like that belong to me (wails) AT LAST, the update youve all been waiting for! its been soo hard but i got there in the end. this chapter might seem a little short to you, but this is because its actually part of one chapter that go so long it had to be split into 3 parts, so stay tuned! many thanks to my beta-reader, shi-chan, the lucky devil who knows whats going to happen next (or does she?? O.o) lol. anyway. just read the damn thing and review your little hearts out! ive got a target to reach ya know!

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...chapter 4: ...and the make-believe ran out

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Kakashi swayed slightly in his seat and hiccupped gently. His hand waved as he tried to reach out for the sake bottle, missing it quite a few times. Finally securing it, he raised it to his lips but grimaced as he found it to be empty.

Damn! I wash suure th'r ws one m're dr'nk in there.

He thumped the bottle heavily down on the table top, where it rocked slightly before toppling off and landing at his feet with a dull thud. The barman sighed as Kakashi signaled for another bottle. He sidled from behind the bar reluctantly, cursing as he cracked his shin on a chair for the fifth time that night as he strained to keep his eyes averted from Kakashi's unmasked face. Other folk in the village might be curious as to what the mask concealed, but the barman wasn't one of them and so had dimmed the lights in the corner the ninja occupied. Kakashi had abandoned his mask when he realized, after the second - no third - bottle that he was just too drunk to care anymore and so it lay discarded in a small puddle of alcohol, much like Kakashi himself. And so, Hatake Kakashi sat alone, in the dark, drinking his sixth bottle of sake and silently falling apart.

[flashback to earlier that day]

"What the HELL was going through your mind, Kakashi, hmm? Care to explain to me WHY you chose to assault a citizen of our village for absolutely NO apparent reason?" Tsunade slammed both her hands, palms down, on her desk and took a few deep breaths to try and contain her temper while Kakashi stood motionless before her.

She had stood and waited at the village gates as he and his team arrived back from their mission, bloody and beaten. Greeting the others with smiles, she took a firm grip of Kakashi's arm and steered him towards her office. Kakashi had put up no resistance. He knew it would have to be done sooner or later, and now was fine by him.

So now he stood, trembling inside but as emotionless as he could manage on the outside while the blonde Hokage ranted and raved. It was anger that stirred his innards though, not fear of the woman before him. He couldn't help but feel it was her fault that he had acted as he did. Petty, he knew, but somehow he just couldn't admit to himself that it had been HIS entire fault.

"As far as I remember, Hokage-sama, it was your instruction that I sever all connections, and that is what I did."

"You know FINE well that wasn't what I meant, you moron! You could have just explained, you could have let him down gently. What possessed you to attack him?" She stared at him with a mixture of fury and pity. "He's just a boy, Kakashi. He didn't deserve that."

"I - I can't and won't make excuses. I acted cowardly because I knew I couldn't face him. But I will not take full responsibility for my actions. I was put in an impossible position by you and while I would never disrespect you, Hokage-sama, I urge you to put yourself in my shoes."

Tsunade sighed. "I can understand where you're coming from, Kakashi, really I can. But you're right. It's not an excuse. It was still wrong and can't go unpunished. I will however take into account that you were acting on my orders and thus not strip you of your Jounin title, but I am suspending you from all further missions and teaching duties until I say otherwise. I don't think many people trust you anymore, Kakashi."

Kakashi's eyes widened. "People - people know?" he stuttered, aghast.

Tsunade nodded her head gravely. "Unfortunately, yes. Not everyone, but enough. Asuma, Gai and most of your fellow Jounins. Asuma was there when Iruka told me what you did. It was Asuma that found him actually. You might want to avoid him the most! They have been sworn to secrecy, as we decided it wasn't a good idea for the general public to know incase you were run out of town. Iruka is well liked around here, especially by his colleagues and the parents of his charges." She smirked, but there was no humor in her smile. "I can't hide from you the fact that aside from losing all trust in you Kakashi - that more than anything else - I'm disappointed in you. Disappointed that you let your emotions run wild, which as you know is the worst thing a ninja can do. I have, sadly, lost all respect for you. You can go now. I believe you have a lot of explaining to do." She turned her back on him and pressed her fingers onto her eyes. She had a headache starting...this was the last thing she needed.

Kakashi bowed and turned, striding out the room and closing the door quietly behind him. He continued to walk, head high, until he reached the confines of his own apartment, where he sagged against his front door, physically and emotionally exhausted. The Hokage's disappointment burned in his gut. He knew he should consider himself lucky that he got off as lightly as he did, but it was nothing compared to the look of pity in Tsunade's eyes. That was the worst punishment he could have been dealt. But there's nothing I can do about it now, he sighed to himself.

Dragging himself upright, he wandered towards the bathroom to clean his aching body. He was desperate to go to Iruka's to try and apologize even though he knew it would be futile but still, he had to try. But for now, he thought it best to clean himself up and try and get his head straight or he would just make matters worse. The sight of Kakashi covered in blood would most likely give Iruka a heart attack on the spot. Stripping off, he eased his long lean body under the warm stream of water and shuddered as it coursed over his broken skin. He stared unseeing at the white porcelain under his feet as little rivers of red ran down his arms and legs into the plughole. His mind went onto autopilot, scrubbing his white skin until it burned pink as he tried desperately to think of what he was going to do, going to say, but his mind was completely blank. Ah, fuck it. I'll just have to wing it, I suppose. Face set in a look of grim determination, he stood and turned the water off, getting out the shower and roughly drying his body. No time to waste. Just go do it. Don't think about it. You'll back out if you think about it too much. He slung on a clean dark blue sweater and trousers, yanking his mask on but not bothering with his Jounin vest. Somehow, it didn't feel right anymore.

Kakashi arrived at Iruka's door ten minutes later. He glanced in the window, and his heart leapt into his mouth when he saw the Chuunin in the kitchen, engaged in some random act of domesticity with a large, happy smile on his innocent face. That was one thing Kakashi had always loved about Iruka. How simple things seemed to bring him so much pleasure. He took another sad look at his former lover before he slid back to the door and raised a shaking hand to it. His breath came in short sharp gasps as he rapped his knuckles on the hard wood three times.

Kakashi barely got a glimpse of the younger ninjas face, only catching the look of horror that crossed his tanned features before the door was hurriedly pushed shut again. But Kakashi was too quick for Iruka, and had his foot in the door before he had a chance to close it fully. Kakashi put his hand to the door and pushed against it.

"Iruka, please, let me in"

"NO!" Iruka shrieked. "GO AWAY!"

"No, Iruka, please! Let me explain!" Kakashi shoved the door hard and staggered slightly as it gave way, and he heard frantic scrabbling as he peered around the edge into the clean and tidy living room. Iruka had fallen and was now scrambling to his feet and backing towards the wall, his face a mask of terror. Kakashi's heart ached for the younger shinobi,and he cursed himself for being the one to cause his agitation. He started towards Iruka, who yelped and held his hands in front of him.

"P-p-please don't come any closer, Kakashi-sensei. Please, I'm begging you!" His breathing was fast and erratic and although Kakashi was concerned, he HAD to speak his mind.

"Iruka, please, just hear me out. I know you won't be interested in anything I have to say but I beg of you, please just listen! I promise I won't come near you."

Iruka's breathing slowed slightly, but his face didn't lose its rabbit- caught-in-headlights expression as he slowly nodded his head. He gestured with tilt of his head towards the couch at the end on the room.

"Five minutes....you have five minutes then I want you out of my house and out of my life."

Kakashi nodded. Feeling like his intestines had been replaced with lead, he walked slowly to the couch, never taking his eyes off the Chuunin as they sat at opposite ends of the sofa. Kakashi turned to face Iruka, suddenly unable to think of a single word to say except, "I'm sorry."

Iruka just stared at him. "You - you attacked me for no reason! You stabbed me and left me bleeding and all you can say is SORRY?" he shouted incredulously. "You have some nerve! Do you think you can come round here and look at me with puppy-dog eyes and say you're sorry and expect that to be enough?"

"Of course I don't think that! I never said I did! I just - I just don't know what else to say." He tapered off, looking down at the floor. This was exactly what he was expecting. "There just isn't anything else I can say."

He raised his head and stared into Iruka's chocolate-brown eyes, so full of misery and pain. A small single tear leaked out the side and ran down his smooth skin and Kakashi longed to reach out and kiss it away - kiss away all his pain and fear, hold him in his arms forever and never let him be hurt ever again. But Kakashi knew he would never even so much as touch Iruka ever again. A small tremor ran down his spine.

Iruka sighed and wiped his eye. He stared down at a spot on the floor, eyes somewhat unfocused as though he wasn't really seeing, his mind elsewhere. "It was cold - so cold. I felt as though every part of me was slowly slipping away from me, as thought I was being drained. Well, I guess I was in a way!" He laughed bitterly. "I don't know how long I lay there. It could've been hours, might have been minutes. Either way, it was enough to land me in hospital for a few weeks, because the flu I caught being out in the rain made it hard for my body to heal. Asuma barely left my side the whole time. He kept saying he felt guilty because maybe if he'd been there earlier, he could've stopped it." Iruka stopped talking and finally looked up at Kakashi, his eyes shining with tears but a with a strangely bright expression on his face. "But he couldn't have stopped it, could he Kakashi? He would have tried, but then he would've ended up the same as me. Because you wouldn't have cared who got in your way, would you? You wanted me dead and you - " Iruka was cut off as Kakashi leapt to his feet, enraged.

"That is NOT how it was at all, Iruka! How could you even THINK such a thing? I LOVE YOU!"

"WELL, YOU'VE GOT A FUNNY WAY OF SHOWING IT!" Iruka was on his feet now as well, face contorted in anger and confusion. He gritted his teeth and tried to simmer down. "If you loved me, WHY did you -" He sobbed and collapsed back onto the couch, all his energy suddenly spent "Why did you just leave me for dead?"

Kakashi's mouth was dryer than a desert. He knelt down before the Chuunin. "Firstly, it's not 'loved' past-tense. I LOVE you. I still do and always will. But secondly, I did it because I was told to."

This caught Iruka's attention.

"You - you were TOLD to? By who?" he asked, voice incredulous.

"By the Hokage. Well, she didn't tell me to do that exactly, but she - she told me to sever all ties with the village. It was her way of telling me she wanted nothing to distract me from my mission and that was exactly what she saw you as - a distraction."

Iruka's eyes widened. "She knew? How?"

Kakashi let out a small humorless laugh. "Do you remember that first night? That night in the forest?"

Iruka smiled a little and his expression softened. "Yeah - yeah I guess I do."

"Well, she saw us!" Kakashi was glad he had kept his mask on as a slow blush crept along his pale cheeks but he smiled when he saw the same redness flush Iruka's face.

"Oh my god!" the bemused Chuunin mumbled. "I'll never be able to look her in the eye ever again!"

The two men giggled, their heartache momentarily forgotten. But the moment wasn't to last and Iruka turned to Kakashi, his expression again grim and serious.

"Thank you for the apology, Kakashi. But I can't just forget what you did. You've scarred me for life in more ways than one." Dressed in just a lightweight top and trousers, he leaned back and lifted his sweater, exposing his tanned toned midriff and, along with it, a five-inch scar that ran from his navel and along to his right side. "This wound has healed. But it'll take a lot longer for these ones to do the same." He tapped his forehead and stared up at Kakashi sadly.

Kakashi raised his hands to his mouth and gagged. Faced with the consequences of his actions here and now, in the flesh as it were, he felt physically ill.

Oh my god. I'm a monster.

"Iruka - oh my god, Iruka I'm so sorry. I'll - I'll - leave you alone now."

And before Iruka could move, before he had even finished his sentence, Kakashi was out the door. Slamming it shut behind him, he strode down the street as fast as he could, the taste of bile rising in his throat. He was a bundle of nerves. He couldn't think straight. He needed a drink, and he needed it fast.

[end flashback, back to the pub]

And that was how Kakashi came to be slumped over a dirty table in a dirty pub, unable to focus on his hand two feet from his face - never mind aiming for the glass - and thus drinking sake from the bottle. A hollow clunk signaled the bottle rim colliding with his teeth. He groaned and moaned into the bottle, "What am I DOING?", his voice echoing dully. He took a slug from the bottle and then gently slumped forward, his head landing on the scarred tabletop with a resounding thunk and the bottle clattering on the flagstone floor as his arm flopped by his side.

The barman hissed between his teeth and started toward the table. These ninjas! Think they're so tough but they cant handle their drink. "Come on now, I think you've had qui - " an arm was thrust across his chest, cutting the barman's sentence short.

"Leave him to me," came the smooth voice of the arm's owner.

The barman wheezed and clutched his chest and looked up at the young man then to Kakashi and back to the man again, doubt written on his face. "No offence now kid but you know who that is, don't you? That's Sharingan Kakashi, the man they say - "

"I am well aware of what they say about him. More than aware." The stranger interrupted the barman for the second time. "Now, if you will excuse me, I'll take it from here." The smaller man stooped and slid his arms under Kakashi's armpits, hoisting him and slinging one arm around his shoulder. Weaving his way skillfully through the crowded bar, he hauled Kakashi out into the chilly night air.

Kakashi whimpered as the bitter cold tore through his sweater and had he not been so drunk he would have regretted not wearing his Jounin vest. A frosty gust whipped his face, amplifying his drunken stupor tenfold so he all but collapsed in his helper's arms. Yanking him back to his feet, he pulled Kakashi round to look him in the eye. Kakashi muzzily tried to focus, but all he could see where two soft dark eyes that made him feel as though he was falling - irresistibly falling under his spell. The figure before him ran a finger across the bridge of its well defined nose as though scratching it and then put his hand against Kakashi's blue tinged face.

"You feel so cold. Is there somewhere you'd like me to take you to...warm up?" The air of suggestiveness in the honey-coated voice was unmissable, even to someone as oblivious as Kakashi.

Kakashi swayed slightly on the spot, lifting his arms and wrapping them tightly around the smaller ninjas neck before he fell upon it, savoring the taste of the warm soft flesh beneath his frigid lips. He raised his head slightly a moment later and murmured,

"Take me home."

...TBC...

O.o stay tuned for chapter 5!

-b4k4-