...THE DISCLAIMER... none of the characters, likenesses or anything like that belong to me (wails)

this is the third part of the afore-mentioned very long, split into 3 chapter. waaai!

i apologise for how...disjointed the previous chapter was. i sorta contradict myself a few times....eep! i also have to apologise for any mistake towards the end, because i added stuff AFTER it had been betaed (by shi-chan, thankies v.v.v.v much!!! mwah!) so im sorry. oh and make sure u read the A/N at the end.

i also apologise profusely. please dont hit me....

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...chapter 6: another memory scarred

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The silver-haired shinobi grinned widely and pushed his lips onto Kakashi's for a second that sent a chill clear through to Kakashi's bones before jumping to his feet and offering a hand to the ninja on the floor. Kakashi narrowed his eyes, wary. Kabuto sighed and rolled his eyes, waving his hand at the Jounin again and raising his well-defined eyebrows. Against his better judgement, Kakashi reached up and took it, but had barely got to his feet before Kabuto pulled him roughly against his body, thrusting his hand into Kakashi's stomach and digging his fingertips into his abdomen. An excruciating burning pain filled Kakashi's body, flowing into his arms and legs. The blood in his veins felt as though it was boiling and he wished he could just rip them out of his very flesh. A hysteric scream filled the room and it was several moments before Kakashi realised it was his own voice. Then, with a strange sucking sensation, Kabuto removed his hand and the feeling left as suddenly as it had came, although he kept a firm hold on Kakashis arm with his left hand. Kakashi clutched at his stomach which now felt curiously empty. He looked down and saw five marks on his skin, like the five points of a star, around his navel. Staring back up at Kabuto, fury creasing his brow, he reached for the kunai holster on his leg. Quicker than a flash Kabuto had his hand around Kakashis thin wrist, pressing his hand backwards with his thumb. Kakashi winced and dropped the knife which fell with metallic clang that sounded painfully loud in the still and silence of the dark space.

"JUST incase you were planning on exacting a little revenge before you left, I've employed another little trick I picked up on my travels. It's similar to the Hyuuga clans ability to block chakra flow, although nowhere near as effective. You will still be able to use your chakra as normal, except on little old me!" He smiled happily as Kakashi grimaced. "It's a special seal I came up with. I've blocked the neural transmitters that send that little "Kill Kill" signal to your limbs. If you were to try to attack me, I do this," he guided Kakashis hands despite the Jounins protests, placing his fingertips against his open right hand palm, "your chakra will cease to flow and instead will just build up inside your body! In short - you would explode. And don't think I wouldnt, Kakashi. I may not want you dead but if you get in my way I really will have no choice." His face fell. "I'm sorry I had to do this Kakashi, I really am. I care about you in my own twisted way...I hope you can understand."

Kakashi jerked out of Kabuto's grip, his expression a mixture of revulsion and horror. Kabuto merely smiled at him and put his hand in his pocket, drawing out a silver object that glimmered in the pale light. The young ninjas face was split by a wide grin that turned Kakashi's stomach. What had he just done?

Oh god! I have to get out of here...

He turned shakily to the door and walked slowly across the room. He didn't dare look back at the pale smirking face that simply watched him go as a pair of spectacles were calmly slid up its nose.

Maybe I should have told him about the drug that was on the spines in that belt....nah, I'm sure he'll find out soon enough!, Kabuto thought cheekily to himself as he dropped backwards onto the bed, staring at the shapes the moonlight threw upon his roof. The silver light illuminated the boys ghostly palor, heightened momentarily by a red flush on his cheeks and a small smile on his lips, before the blinds were snapped shut and the blackness closed in...

Kakashi stumbled through the night. The drug he was still unaware of coursed through his veins, leaving his thoughts sluggish and slowed. The alchoholic momentum returned to his movements, mud coating his clothes as he ran through yet another puddle. One thing ran through his head, like a scratched record:

Iruka...have to see Iruka.

His head ached, his throat burned and his muscles screamed for him to stop as he powered onwards towards his goal.

Iruka...have to see Iruka.

The rain lashed down, plastering his silver hair to his forehead. His sodden clothes clung to his slender frame and left small puddles on the steps of the house he had reached. Instead of knocking, he braced his shoulder against the doorframe and knocked it open with a jab to the lock. The heavy wood swung inwards and slammed on the wall and he stood, dripping, in the living room as the houses' occupier flew down the stairs at an alarming rate, kunai at the ready. He paused when he saw Kakashi standing in an ever-increasing pool of rainwater.

Iruka.

"Kakashi I -" Lighting fast, Kakashi was on top of the smaller ninja in a second, his finger to his lips and his hand securing his shoulder against the wall of the stairwell.

"Shhh! Please don't say anything." Kakashi purred in Iruka's ear. "Just listen to me."

Iruka's face creased in complete dumbfoundedness. What was this guy on? "Kakashi-sensei, we went through this earlier on today! You promised you would leave me alone if I let you apologize, and I did! So will you PLEASE get out of my house?" But Kakashi didn't move, and the strange, dead look in his eyes told Iruka that Kakashi wasn't quite all there tonight. He gulped down the little ball of fear that had lodged in his throat and tried again. "Ok Kakashi, I - I'll listen to whatever you have to say, but THIS is the last time." But the look remained, changed only by the slight smirk that twitched the corners of his eyes up a fraction of a centimeter. The smell of alcohol on Kakashi's breath made Iruka's head reel. God he must be about one hundred percent proof! I always hated it when he drank - not that its any of my business now.

"Take me back Iruka, please! I'm lost without you...I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't function without you by my side. It's as though I've cut off my right arm. Something's missing and it can't be replaced." Tears began to work their way down Kakashi's cheeks, and small quiet sobs caught on his breath.

The anger boiled in Iruka like a hot spring. Who the HELL did Hatake Kakashi think he was? He had some nerve! He fixed his face into a stern frown and worked his hands between himself and the Jounin and pushed him away slightly. "I'm sorry, Kakashi, but it's just not going to happen. I - I just can't, I couldn't! It's not enough for you to cry. You're drunk...go home and sleep it off. I promise I'll come and speak to you tomorrow, ok?" he said gently. Getting angry with him wouldn't help.

Unfortuntely, this only made the weeping Jounin worse. He began to wail.

"N - no no no, Iruka, you don't understand...I have to have you! I need to have you now!!!" He fell against the Chuunin, his weight pinning him to the wall. He looked up with heavy eyes as his hand wandered towards Irukas' waistband.

NO!

Iruka pushed with all his might against Kakashi's chest, shoving him roughly against the opposite wall and dashing back up the stairs. Kakashi staggered for a second, winded, then gave chase. Iruka heard Kakashi's thundering footsteps as he raced into his bedroom, locking the door behind him. He leapt to the other side of the bed and crouched low on the floor, knowing the lock wouldn't hold back the older shinobi for long. He heard a thump and could tell Kakashi had reached the door and thrown himself against it, before raining down pounding blows. As the insistent hammering continued, Iruka prayed feverently that the amount of alcohol in Kakashi's system would slow his senses enough to keep him from breaking in straight away. He closed his eyes and tried to block out the low sweet voice seeping through the door. It still sent shivers down his spine.

When he had opened the door that morning, the terror that gripped him had been unbearable. Images of Kakashi's merciless gaze and the sharp tang of the cold night air swept through his mind. Cold - so cold. The burn of steel penetrating his abdomen, the rain that spattered on his face as he fought to stay awake, and the icy eyes of the person he had truly believed loved him. When Kakashi was standing in his living room he couldn't shake the vision of him standing over him, droplets of blood slipping from his gloved hands onto the ground by the Chuunins' head. Iruka still never took showers, only baths, unable to bear the feeling of the water dripping onto his body.

But against his better judgment he had let the man in, let him sit on his couch and listened as he attempted to apologize. For a split second, when Kakashi had recounted Tsunade's words, he had been tempted, for some inexplicable reason, to just take the Jounin gently by the hand and lead him upstairs. The feeling of the closeness they had once shared washed over him like a warm breeze on a summer's day as he recalled the night he spoke of. But he had come to his senses just in time, disgusted with himself for what he almost did. He shuddered just as Kakashi dealt the door an extra heavy blow. The soft cooing floated into Iruka's ears again.

"Iruka-kun, please come out. I'm not going to hurt you," There was a slight pause. "Again" he then added, almost as an afterthought. "I just want to talk to you. I need you so bad. This life I'm living means nothing without you..." the voice petered out at the end, and a lurch of misery ran through Iruka. That voice. He wished it would shut up. He could feel his stony reserve crumbling as Kakashi's weeping continued.

You still want him, don't you?

Of course I do! I don't know why. Even after all he did, I can understand why. It took every ounce of strength in me to turn him away today, but I had to, and I still have to. But I - But I -

I still love him.

Finally, the door swung open, the lock ripped from its moorings landing on the floor by Iruka's dresser. Iruka threw himself flat against the wall behind him, trying to cower into the shadows as the tall figure advanced across the room. He could see Kakashi's face bathed in moonlight towering over him, the eerily glazed look still in his eye. He looked sickeningly evil in the strange silver light, the wet lines on his face shining. All traces of Iruka's last thought were erased from his mind and numb terror took hold of his body when he was caught in the sight of two mismatched eyes. He wished the wall would open and swallow him whole as Kakashi stooped to his level and reached out to him, touching his bottom lip with his thumb. Iruka shook more violently at this contact.

Kakashi tilted his head to one side. "Why are you shaking? I'm not going to hurt you. I love you, Iruka." He pulled his thumb down, opening Iruka's unresisting mouth slightly. "Such beautiful lips, always ready and willing." He smirked and Iruka's stomach churned. Another tear slid from Kakashis eye and landed on Iruka's bare leg.

Two hands took hold of his shoulders and slid him away from the wall, onto the carpeted floor, which scratched Iruka's bare arms. The little voice inside screamed at him to resist, to yell and draw attention and escape the situation, but Iruka was paralyzed in the arms of his former lover, and no sound left his lips except a few dry whimpers as Kakashi leaned down closer to his face, sliding his body on top of the chuunin's. Weight pressed down on Iruka's quivering stomach, sore from holding himself as rigid as possible. Kakashi's mouth sank onto his neck just below his earlobe and Iruka's senses fought for supremacy, part of him retching as Kakashi's clammy, alcohol-laden breath caressed his skin. But the other half was in turmoil as it recalled the intense pleasure the jounin's attentions had brought him in the past, the magic those lips once worked on the young shinobis body. No matter what his body felt though, Iruka was nauseated at the thought of the jounin touching him in his current state, drunken and sobbing, and wished like hell it had been the old Kakashi so maybe, just maybe, he would considered putting the past behind him and trying again.

Iruka yelped slightly as Kakashi released his hold on one of his shoulders and slid his hand down his narrow body until he reached the chuunin's boxer shorts, which he had been sleeping in. It was when Kakashi began to tug them down that Iruka finally regained his voice and movement, grasping Kakashi's wrist and trying to halt his actions.

"N - N- No please, Kakashi-sensei! Please, I don't want you to!"

Kakashi ignored Iruka's pleas, shaking off his hand as though it had been a bothersome insect and removing the item of clothing. His hands roughly groped Iruka's body as he then removed his t-shirt. "So beautiful." Kakashi murmured, ignorant to Iruka's whispered begging for him to stop. He leaned up over the chuunin, and gently slid his legs apart. Iruka shot away, the enormity of the situation suddenly sweeping over him, lending him new energy.

N-n-no, it CAN'T be...it just can't!

"Kakashi, please! Don't do this to me, I mean, what do you want?!" Iruka shouted as he struggled to get to his feet. He fell heavily onto the floor again, winded, as he felt Kakashi's weight hit him from behind. Now rough hands held him hard against the floor, his face pressing onto the rough carpet. Tears began to fall freely as a soft, sickeningly sweet voice stroked his ear.

"I want you, Iruka-kun. I know you want me too."

Iruka desperately wanted to argue back to the contrary, but the weight of the Jounin on his back prevented him from doing anything but breathing, albeit shallowly. Every muscle in his body tensed as he felt Kakashi ease himself between his legs.

Oh god, please make him change his mind, please don't let him do this to me, please, please, ple-

Iruka tried to scream but a gloved hand was clamped over his mouth as Kakashi roughly entered him, tearing him apart inside. Iruka almost wished he had been stabbed again. The agony was so unbearable, as thought he was being ripped in two. Wave after wave of searing heat coursed through his body, and he almost wished he would pass out just to escape. He wept against the rough fabric of Kakashi's glove as he pounded into him, gagging as he listened to the orgasmic little moans that had once turned him on so much. Now, it turned his stomach.

It couldn't have lasted more than two minutes, but to Iruka it felt like two lifetimes. He winced and sobbed as he felt the intrusion disappear, leaving him with a burning ache below. A slick wetness coated his legs, as though he was bleeding, but desperate as he was to check, his limbs were shaking too violently for him to move. He tried to lie as still as possible, terrified that Kakashi might decide he hadn't had enough. His mind was a sea of painful thoughts, a thousand hands ripping apart every good memory of Kakashi he had. He had been violated, he had been penetrated, he had been ...

Raped.

Iruka gagged as he thought the word. He could feel Kakashi presence lift off his body. He struggled to find his voice. If only -

If only I had taken him back when I was going to, this would never have happened.

"I - I - I'm sorry."

Kakashi blinked. He looked down at the chuunin on the floor, who had rolled onto his back and was now staring up at him; his brown eyes more like empty sucking voids.

"I'm sorry, Kakashi-sensei. I must have done something really bad to you to deserve that...I'm so sorry."

Kakashi's mouth opened and closed, the drug-induced stupor lifting at last. He stared at the naked figure lying curled in the fetal position, and realization dawned. He clapped his hand to his mouth and gagged again, for what was probably the hundredth time that day. But then he realized his glove was wet with Iruka's sweat and tears and he whipped it away again, staring down at his hands as though only recognizing them for the first time. He peered at Iruka through his fingers as he placed them against his eyes, his other hand still clutching the stricken chuunin's clothing.

"What - what did I just do?" he whispered, partly to himself. His eyes shifted slightly as he watched Iruka heave himself against the wall, where he sat slumped. Iruka raised his head and stared at Kakashi with those empty eyes.

Irukas' perception of reality was skewed because of the pain currently coursing through his body. Although the sensible part of him knew it was ridiculous and that Kakashi was just a sick bastard, the small part of him that would never stop loving the jounin no matter what believed undyingly that there must have been something - something he had done to push Kakashi to the limit, to make him snap. It was this part of him that made him say again:

"I'm sorry Kakashi-sensei."

The words pierced Kakashi's heart like a million acupuncture needles. He had never felt so sober in his life. His legs threatened to collapse as he stood up straight and turned around. He lifted his face to the moon and without a backward glance, he hoisted himself onto the windowsill and was gone.

Iruka didn't watch him leave and didn't get off the floor. Instead, he reached with a shaking hand between his legs, and fought back a wave of nausea as his hand came in contact with something damp and sticky. His raised it to his eyes, the pale moonlight illuminating the viscous red liquid, laced with drops of pearly white. Without removing his eyes from the substance on his hand, he reached with his other arm to his uniform lying on the chair by the window, removing a kunai from the pouch on his belt. Placing the cold metal against the smooth tanned skin of his arm, he closed his eyes and vowed, as the steel sliced a thin gash in his arm, he would be the only person to spill his blood from now on...

Kakashi heaved and choked as he jumped over the nearby rooftops, swinging himself finally into his open bedroom window. He landed heavily on the floor. Shaking uncontrollably, he stared down at the item of clothing in his hands before looking around the room through teary eyes. He tossed the shirt onto a chair as he crossed the room, reaching the dresser which held the usual debris of everyday life...loose change, hair bobbles, pens and paper, photographs...

Photographs.

Of Iruka.

With one fluid motion of a slender arm, he sent a flood of objects to the floor, each smashing piece of glass sounding around the room like a death knell. His breath hitched in his throat as he raised his head to see the reflection in the large mirror attached to the dresser. What looked back was not the Hatake Kakashi that had left the house that morning. Kakashi lifted shaking hands to remove his headband before placing them on the cool glass, tracing his own features with long thin fingers...the curve of his chin, the scar that sliced through his left eye, the tracks left by tears that had dried long ago. His eyes widened as he regarded this complete stranger.

He has my face...he has my eyes...but this isn't me. Not anymore....I left him behind the second I set foot in Irukas house.

So who am I now....?

He stared for a second longer. Suddenly, he seized the mirror's large wooden frame with both hands and jerked his head back, bringing it forward again a second later, colliding with the heavy glass with a sickening crunch. He stood unflinching as silver shards fell like stars around him, glaring at the new reflection he had created. He paid no heed to the thin rivers of red that trickled down his forehead, the length of his nose, across his cheek and down his jaw, where it formed a perfect teardrop before landing silently on the dusty wooden surface. A new Hatake Kakashi looked back at him from the fragments of glass held in place by his forehead. Stained, shattered, imperfect....

Broken....

That's more like it.

Kakashi stood, trembling slightly, glaring into the mosaic of glass for what felt like a lifetime before his hands finally disengaged themselves from the wooden frame. He glanced numbly at the small cracks in the varnished wood as he turned, sweeping the glittering shards to the floor as he moved then lifting his head to stare out the window to the huge silver moon that hung in the sky like the baleful glare of some vengeful god. Lips ruby red with blood parted stickily to utter a single sentence:

"It's not enough for you to cry...."

A small giggle escaped before Kakashi collapsed onto his knees into the pile of broken glass and torn paper on the floor. He sank his hands into the sea of broken glass, a smile crossing his bloodied features as he felt the bite of the glass cutting into his palms. The smile widened into a grin so chillingly manic it would have frozen the toughest of adversaries to the spot. He stared unseeing at the red stains that formed on his gloves as he ripped them and his sweat and rain soaked sweater off before he crawled over to the unmade bed and heaved himself on top of it.

A cold wind blew through the open window....

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-----TBC-----

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A/N - right, first things first. i know certain parts of this sound a bit contrived and also, its pretty much all OC although i didnt mean it to turn out that way, but its an emotional scene so it had to be done. i apologise to anyone who doesnt like this chapters content, but this isnt for you, is it?

now THIS is where things get confusing so PLEASE pay attention! THIS brings us BACK to chapter one. do you understand? every chapter AFTER one is a flashback, and THIS chapter ENDS where one starts. get it? end of flashback! chances are you all knew that already, but some people have been having problems, so i had to mention it somewhere. from now on, the story will be told....emm.....NOT im flashback! (i cant think of the word i mean, because i dont mean the present tense....hmmm) i hope you know what i mean!

either way, i hope you enjoyed this. stay tuned for chapter 7

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