BACK AT HOME

Charlie: rushes in I GOT THE GOLDEN TICKET! Wootness.

Grandpa J.: Yippee! Let me dance crazily and break a hip to celebrate.

Mrs. Bucket: But it's like, Tomorrow dudes! Who's gonna take Charlie?

Grandpa J.: ME! MEEE! waves hand

Charlie: No. We need the money more than we need the chocolate. This scene only proves how adorable I am.

Audience: MELTS

Grandpa G.: Aww, shut up. We all know you're going.

FEBRUARY FIRST

Like, half a zillion people have gathered outside the gates of the factory, and the ticket winners are all lined up by the gates.

Mr. Salt: I am pompous, but afraid of my daughter.

Veruca: Yes you are. I WANNA GO IN!

Mr. Salt: whimper

Mrs. Gloop: If anything, I'm more of a pig than my son. I also have no fashion sense.

Augustus: Runs in the family! chomp chomp munch

Charlie: Do you think Mr. Wonka will recognize you grandpa?

Grandpa J.: No, I was WAY less wrinkly back then.

Mrs. Beauregarde: I have a mini-me for a daughter. We even have matching underwear!

Violet: chews gum, totally oblivious

Mike: There are no explosions, scantily clad women, or save points anywhere. I am totally bored.

Clock: strikes 10:00

Disembodied Wonka Voice: Open the gates! Come forward! Do the hokey-pokey!

Charlie: Even his VOICE is great!

Grandpa J.: Boy, I think you may be a lil obsessed.

Disembodied Wonka Voice: Dear visitors! I welcome you to my humble factory. And who am I?

Me: Like it wasn't painfully obvious…

Puppets: appear from nowhere and start dancing All your base are belong to Willy Wonka!

Ticket Winners: WTH!

Puppets: catch on fire and explode

Mike: Nope, still bored and NOW creeped out.

Willy Wonka: DIDN'T THAT RULE! clap clap

Mr. Salt: Where the crap did YOU come from!

Willy Wonka: Good Morning Starshine! The earth says…hello!

Fans: writes that down I think that's our new favorite line!

INSIDE

They're in a large hallway. It's not as interesting as the one in the '71 film, but hey! None of you are actually looking at it. You're all hypnotized by Wonka's hotness, huh?

Violet: hugs Wonka I'm a brown-noser!

Wonka:…I don't care. walks on

Veruca: My name is Veruca! curtsy

Wonka: Yeah, well you're annoying already.

Augustus: chomp chew I'm---

Wonka: --Disgusting. Out of my way.

Mike: TOTALLY bored.

Wonka: Nice to meet you! turns to Charlie And you, well you're just lucky to be here, aren't ya?

Charlie: You're WAY hotter in real life. My pipe cleaner statue doesn't do you justice.

Wonka:……I am both flattered and terrified. motions to everyone This way!

Door: I am tiny. Where is Alice when you need her?

Mike: Watch me be even MORE obnoxious than I was before.

Veruca: Is that even possible?

Mike: Yes.

THE CHOCOLATE ROOM

It's big. And smells like chocolate. It looks pretty too.

Wonka: Gene Wilder's got nothin' on this.

Augustus: …..I have died and gone to heaven. Salivates

Waterfall: I mix the chocolate, and make it light and frothy.

Wonka: that's MY line! Oh, whatever. Go stuff your face everyone!

Augustus: No need to tell ME twice! DART

Mr. Salt: stares at Wonka incredulously

Wonka: Got a problem?

Mike: HULK SMASH! jumps on a candy pumpkin NOW I'm not bored!

Veruca: Look! points what is it?

Mr. Salt: It's a pygmy!

Mr. TeeVee: It's an alien!

Wonka: no no no, it's Deep Roy clones! I got them in a little country that only I know about, and I pay them in cocoa beans.

Oompa-Loompa: You cheap bastard.

Augustus: Wow, I really AM a fat cow. Literally. falls in the chocolate river

Mrs. Gloop: MY SON! Help him!

Wonka: looks bored I wonder what's on television…

Mrs. Gloop: HE'S GONNA DROWN!

Wonka: whistles It sure is a nice day….

Augustus: I really, really hate you right now. gets stuck

The Oompa-Loompas start humming and getting ready to sing.

Oompa-Loompas: sings their little song We describe grotesque mutilation in a fun, kid-friendly way!

Wonka: Aren't they just ADORABLE?

Mr. Salt: That was rather creepy.

Wonka: Get used to it, we've got three songs left. Shall we keep going?

The boat arrives, propelled by at least 50 jacked-up-on-cocoa-beans Oompa-Loompas.

Seahorse Boat: I am stunning, and mysteriously only have enough seats for nine people.

Wonka: Huh, what a coincidence. ALL ABOARD!

They all get on. Mrs. Beauregarde flirts with Willy Wonka, but that just creeps him out.

Wonka: I shall sit in the very back, because everywhere else is full. Really, that's the reason.

Me: yeah, right.

Charlie: Wow, I'm sitting next to Mr. Wonka! I'm in fanboy heaven. Time to ask some exposition questions.

Wonka: Woah, flashback.

WONKA'S CHILDHOOD, PART ONE

It's Halloween in a stereo-typically British neighborhood, and lots of little weirdos are running around in tights.

Little Willy: I am adorable and angsty. Fear my headgear from hell.

Dr. Wonka: I am evil and sadistic. I shall taunt my son for five minutes before burning all his candy.

Little Willy: Can't I try a piece to see if I'm allergic?

Dr. Wonka: nope. I'm too evil for that.

Candy: BURN! BURN! THE ROOF IS ON FIRE! makes creepy blue flames

Little Willy: WAAH!

BACK TO PRESENT

Wonka:….need to stop drinking cough syrup.

The boat goes flying down the tunnel and passes rooms that apparently weren't important enough to be in the film. Wonka stops the boat outside a room marked "Inventing Room, or 101 ways to bump off a Beauregarde".

Violet: I am starting to feel very, very nervous.

INVENTING ROOM

And we thought the opening scene had a lot of overly-complex gadgets. Lots of flashing lights and levers, liek woah.

Wonka: Please don't touch anything.

Kids: okay! goes and touches stuff

Wonka:….yeah. Okay! This is a Gobstopper. Points It lasts forever, and it's really nifty. Now THIS….points is Hair Toffee. Perfect for bald men and Michael Jordan.

Mike: You're really stupid. BORED NOW!

Wonka: And THIS is my super-special gum! It's a full three-course dinner!

Violet: Wow! I want it, cuz I'm impulsive and arrogant. grabs

Wonka: This can only end well. Does nothing to stop her

Violet: Augh, my butt's suddenly huge! swells up

Mrs. Beauregarde: Even though my daughter is now the size of the Hindenburg, I show no real concern for her well-being and instead gripe about how she can no longer compete.

Oompa-Loompas: Here we go again! sings Now we make fun of destructive habits to a funky 80's beat.

Wonka: dances Woo! …..I mean, what a pity.

Mrs. Beauregarde: I no longer have any desire to seduce you. rolls Violet to the Juicing room

Wonka:….thank GOD.