God of Epyon, a.k.a Clifford the Big Red Giant Robot, does not own Hellsing. That's Kohta Hirano's job. There are reasons why God of Epyon does not own Hellsing. If Mr. Hirano gives the word, then this thing is gone.
Yes, folks, I'm back. You all know me. I created the infamous "Your Orders are to SLOWDANCE!". Of course you've read it. WHAT? YOU HAVENE"T? GO READ IT RIGHT NOW! AND LEAVE A NICE FAT REVIEW THERE WHILE YOU'RE AT IT! TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT IT, TOO! AND LEAVE A REVIEW HERE!
Well, here it is. REVIEW ME!
THIS IS NOT A ONESHOT
Hellsing: Your Orders Are To SLOWDANCE! II
Part One: Preparations
Integra danced around her room, dusting things off and picking out random pieces of clothing. Ahh, it was a dream come true! A ball!
Something is seriously wrong here.
Yes, the Queen was hosting a ball, called, appropriately, "An Opportunity for Many, Many Characters to Get It On and Create a Corny FanFic that will Hopefully Make You Laugh and Leave the Writer a Nice, Fat Review."
Integra was extremely excited. And I mean excited. The kind of excited that gives Trojan it's buisness, as stated in the previous paragraph.
Walter smiled happily. He loved it when Integra got like this. It meant he got a break. He happily sipped a cup of tea. Aah, Earl Grey, piping hot. The official drink of Star Trek: TNG. Our favorite butler flipped the channel. "YEAH!" He shouted. "YOU GO, PICARD! SHOW THOSE ROMULANS WHOSE BOSS! YEAH!"
"Well, doobie doo." Everybody's favorite Count grinned, floating in from the floor. "Walter's watching cosmic football again." Suddenly, Alucard noticed Counselor Troi being forced into an uncomfortable position. "OH, YEAH!" our favorite vampire joined Walter in the shouting "You go, Riker! Get some!"
SLOWDANCE II: THE DIVIDERSeras woke up, a massive headache pounding her skull. "Uugh…" She yawned, stretching up her arms, completely unaware that she was naked. (Fanservice warning)
Peanut Gallery: THE HILLS ARE ALIVE
WITH THE SOUND OF MUSIC…
Our favorite vampire chick looked down, on a whim, and noticed that she had no shirt. She then noticed the large lump under the sheets next to her. A braid was sticking out from under it.
"Nnnnngh." The lump said. Seras fell back down on the pillow, wondering how much blood had been required to get her this happy. Oh well. She always had liked the guy-
"Police Girl."
"EEEEK!"
The seven-foot form of the God of Red Coats and Fedoras loomed over the bed, the mischievous grin focused on her.
"M-m-master…"
"Come on-we have a job to do.
"WAZZAT!" Pip uttered, springing up in bed. "Oh…. M'sr All'card…Hiii…" Boink. Captain Bernadette landed in Seras's lap with said noise, which is believed to be dirty.
THE HILLS ARE ALIVE
WITH THE SOUND OF MUSIC…
Seras was about as red as her breakfast. Lunch and dinner, too.
"Y-yes, master…" She muttered, embarrassed to the point of suicide, which was not possible, because she was (A) a vampire, and (B) just lost her virginity.
She untangled herself and got out of bed, grabbing-
THE HILLS ARE ALI-
SHUT UP ALREADY!
Some CLOTHES (There, happy, Mr. Censor?) and Harkonnen, and was out the door.
SLOWDANCE II: THE DIVIDER
"I see you were having quite a bit of fun in there." Alucard said, squashing in the face of a ghoul.
Unnnnnnngh… Our favorite fledgling thought. Here it comes…
"So how was it?
What the- OH HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO!
"What do you mean, master?" she asked cheerfully, blowing the shit out of what appeared to be the host vampire.
"I mean 'How Was It?'" Alucard asked again, making the 'finger through hole' sign.
"Hmm…" Seras grinned, an unnatural bout of malicious intent surfacing from under her timid being. "I think some vampires are a bit sex depraved…"
Alucard kept silent for the rest of the run home.
SLOWDANCE II: THE DIVIDER
"Well, Alucard?" Integra asked pointedly, making a show of playing with her gun.
She stared at the vampire's face from behind her gloves. His hat was pulled extremely low today, so his face was completely covered.
After a long silence…"The mission was a success."
"Alucard, what's wrong?" Integra sighed exasperatedly.
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…The police girl has accused be of being in a state of abstinence for twenty years."
Integra faceplanted straight into her desk. Don't ask me how, it just happened!
"Men…" she muttered, straightening her glasses.
"Alucard, it's only been four years."
"And you are still a virgin." He said.
"A vampire under the Cromwell Initiative cannot... yyyyeah." She smiled. "However, as we discovered, you were still capable of being a nice...exactly. Yes."
"Sir Integra, may I leave?" Walter requested from his little corner.
"Permission granted."
"Thank you."
"As I was saying," The blond director continued "I am being requested to attend a ball at Buckingham palace. I need a partner."
Alucard jumped up and did a little jig.
"Excellent, master! Let's go paint the town red!"
'SLAP'Alucard promptly left Integra's office. As he went, he felt something slide into his coat pocket, and noticed Walter walking by, whistling very suspiciously.
Alucard pulled a little purple box out of his pocket, staring at it with distaste.
"My Horse is not Trojan." He muttered, tossing said 'item' in a nearby trashcan.
SLOWDANCE II: THE DIVIDER
The major sat at his desk, slitting open the invitation with his little letter opener, shaped like a Leinenkluegal.
"Hmm… An inwitation to the Royal Ball for me und my colleagues…" Our favorite Nazi Remnant leader said with relish. "They must be wery, wery short on funds to invite us… I tink ve shall go…"
(A/N: All misspellings are intention anal. Including that one. This HAS been spell-checked. Twice.)
"SCHRODINGER!"
"Yes, mein Fuhrer?" the young werewolf said, his ears twitching.
"Inform ze staff… Ve vill be attending ze queen's royal ball, und by inwite, for once…"
SLOWDANCE, TOO: IT'S A RANDOM JOKE: DIVIDER
"Dude! BRO!" our favorite punked-out, rapid-fire language cannon yelled into the other room. "It's (BLEEP) awesome, dude! We've (BLEEP) been (BLEEP) invited to the Royal Bitch's (BLEEP) party, man! We gotta (BLEEP) raid NERV's (BLEEP) clone tanks and get us some (BLEEP) girlfriends!"
"I LIKE TO MOVE IT, MOVE IT! I LIKE TO MOVE IT, MOVE IT!"
"He's still (BLEEP) watchin' that (BLEEP) family movie (BLEEP) Madagascar, (BLEEPBLEEEEPBLEEPBLIP BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOPBLOOOOOOOooooooo…
CENSORING MACHINE HAS SEIZURE)!"
(BLEEP)
(Watch, horrified, as the world explodes when a censoring machine self-destructs with it's Nuclear Thingamajig.)
BLOWDANCE: IT DOES BLOW, DOESN'T IT? DIVIDER
Pantless Paul plopped down next to his lover, Incognito.
"Life sucks."
"Yes it does, Paul."
"I hate being a girl."
"Good thing I don't know how you feel."
"Shut up."
"Millenium's been invited to the Ball."
"WHAT!" Paul shrieked, jumping up. "How DARE they give our invite to them? I'LL KILL THEM-"
'BANG-PING-POW-WHIZ-POP-FOO-ZOP-TING-SPLORK'
The two vampires found themselves in shards, slowly regenerating on the floor. Rip Van Winkle stoo0d behind them, her gun still smoking-
"Ef you say 'Gun' et sounds like I am a guy. This is unacceptable."
Sorry, Rip.
-Her MUSKET still smoking.
The Captain's gonna kill me for that one.
SLOWDANCE II: PART ONE END
Now it's time
I fear to tell
I've been holding it back so long…Wow. We're not even at the dance yet and the bad Eva puns have started already. I suck. This Is NOT a oneshot.
I'LL BE BACK (EVENTUALLY)