Chapter Five: Heart and Shoulder
They rode on quietly. This country really was a beautiful one, and Shang had never appreciated it more than then. They had been softly discussing the scenery, exchanges snapshots of memory from childhood, such as the first time they'd seen the cherry blossom in the spring, or the first time they'd seen the snow. It filled the awkward gap left in conversation, seemed to appease the pink elephant of tension that sat between them.
Shang looked over, and saw the mountains in the distance. Memories of the Tung Shao pass thundered into his mind, he seemed unable to fight it. His father's helmet. Falling in the snow. Mulan fading before his eyes. Holding her own sword over her head.
"Shang? Shang, what's wrong?"
He looked over to her. She was flicking between herself then, the girl he'd almost killed, Ping falling in pain, the girl he'd ignored at the Imperial City... "I..."
"Shang!" She took the reigns from his hands and pulled his horse to safety. Dismounting she used all the strength she had to pull him to the ground. "Shang, what's wrong?" She repeated, her hand on his shoulder as she knelt in front of him. "What is it?"
"I'm sorry." He whispered, eyes meeting hers. "I...At the pass...I wasn't going to kill you...Never...And...Thank you. For your support about my father...I...Everyone I love...They've gone."
She made a gentle noise of sympathy, tenderly placing her arms around him and allowing him to sob softly into her shoulder.
It was devastating, the power of memory. A mountain, the pass, death, death of his father his mother his brother. This man had never cried before, or at least very few times before now.
"Not everyone is gone." She whispered softly, leaning back from him and tried to wipe the tears from his face. "You still have your sisters, don't you? And...And I promise I'll be there for you. Always." He gave her a watery smile and put his arms around her, hugging her tightly. She sighed a little, holding him. "What brought this on?"
He shook his head. "I...I don't know. I...I've never really opened up before." He smiled again, still weakly. "I think it's you...You're...Easy to talk to…You're my best friend, Mulan." Things had changed a lot. When she'd let herself open up to him, their relationship had vaulted forward. The friendship that Mulan hadn't been sure of at first had evolved swiftly, the casual banter had become deeper affection.
Mulan leant her head on his shoulder. "Thank you." She smiled peacefully. "I don't know when it was that you became my best friend. But you are. And...I'm glad." Really she wasn't sure how she could've fallen in love without him being her best friend. Perhaps, until that moment, she hadn't. Perhaps until then it had been a mess of affection, lust, respect, trust, want. But now she knew-it was love. It had to be love, and it had to be him. She moved to face him. "Shang…if you want to tell me what happened…then it's ok. You don't have to, but it might help."
He didn't seem to think about it, meeting her eyes with his and deciding. He sat up a little. "I've never told anyone outside of my family this… When I was 15, the week after my birthday, actually, and accepted for the military academy, there was an attack-the huns."
Mulan nodded slightly. "I remember that…my father went to help fight them. It was then that he was injured."
"Father left, to lead the troops. My family was so proud, we waved him off at the gate. He left my brother in charge, to take care of the family. Sen was a great warrior, he taught me a lot of what I know now. Sen swore he would protect us, no matter what it took. Not that there was that much risk, really. Li is a fairly common name, and nobody had even tried to attack us in the past."
The penny dropped for Mulan. It was becoming clearer. She placed her hand on his arm, so that he would know she was there.
"It was a warm evening; the breeze blew through the house. I'd been practising with Sen-he'd told me how much I'd improved, and then we heard Mother calling. We went into the house-she'd just finished preparing dinner, and she asked me to go and get my sisters from their rooms. I remember the smell of dinner as I left, nothing has ever smelt as good. I called my sisters; we laughed and joked around as we made our way to dinner. Even though Father was rather serious, Mother wasn't-she was so alive, she'd tell us stories of our ancestors. She encouraged us to play." He smiled nostalgically.
Mulan tenderly rubbed his arm, encouraging him to continue. She could see tiny, sparkling unwept tears, glimmering like diamonds in his eyes.
"The smell changed as we approached. I could hear fighting, and my mother…crying…screaming. I was going to go forward, but Sen saw me. He shook his head, he made a motion for me to escape. So I did, I did want he wanted me to do. I got my sisters far away, we went into the family temple. Father had always told me if the worst happened, the ancestors would guide us. We prayed, and my youngest sister, Jada, she found an opening into the ground, a tunnel that lead to the bottom of the house. We escaped into it, and didn't leave for three days, until we knew it was safe. When we emerged, the house was empty. My Father was sat, alone, in the centre of the kitchen. It was the only time he ever hugged us, the only time he ever cried. I couldn't…at least, until now. I told Father what I knew, and he informed us that it was one of the huns, angry at the death of his comrades, and the victory of China. From that day on, it was my father that taught me how to fight, and I who protected my sisters, until finally the day they were married. We never had fun in the same way again."
"Oh, Shang…" Mulan whispered, holding him so tightly she feared she would die if she let go. He returned her embrace's intensity, his eyes closing as he leant his head on her shoulder. She could feel his tears on her shoulder, and closed her eyes as she held him. The position looked incredibly uncomfortable, but in all honesty, it was the most comfortable either of them had ever felt.
"I left for the academy soon after my sisters were married-it wasn't very long after what happened, and they were only too happy to marry the ones the matchmaker picked-and I knew they were fine men. They're very happy now; I have many nieces and nephews. I was at the academy, rose to the top of my class, mainly because I wanted to protect the family I had left, maybe even start my own one day… Father made me captain, and you know the rest."
He waited for her reply, but realised that she was asleep, leaning on him and with a slight smile on her lips. He closed his own eyes, and found that sleep arrived quicker than it had for a long time.
Shang felt safe.
He had been in a camp filled with top notch soldiers. He had lived in an academy with guards at every door. His father had been able to fight off any man. He himself could fight fiercely. But for the first time in his life, he felt safer than ever before. He looked over at the mountains, and waited for the guilt to rise. It didn't. Had he absolved himself? Or had she absolved him? His best friend.
He realised that it was dusk. Luckily that morning they had made great progress, more than expected. However, he was still left there.
"I think your sweetheart is asleep." A couple were going by, a tall man with his arm around a young, smaller woman. Both were smiling.
Shang opened his mouth to contradict them, but realised quickly that he didn't want to. He nodded slightly. "We should be heading home, really, but I don't want to wake her."
The woman beamed. "You're married? That's wonderful! Were you put together by the matchmaker?"
"No...She found me." Shang absent-mindedly stroked her hair, enjoying this fantasy, this idea. It filled himwith a sort of comfort, a sortof hope for the future."And I'm glad she did."
The woman looked to her young man and leant against him. "We were the same, but he found me...My family were most impressed."
"It's not very traditional, but that doesn't matter, does it? You should do what is right in your heart, shouldn't you?" The man grinned. "I was at the war, and you get so used to following orders-but that Mulan girl, she showed how it's more important to do what you think is right..."
Shang nodded. "She always said that her duty was to her heart..."
"You knew her?"
He smiled slightly. "You could say that."
The couple grinned at one another, before looking at the sky. "We should be going. Come along, Mae. Take care."
"Goodbye." Shang smiled-his mother's name had been Mae, and that couple reminded him of a portrait of his parents, drawn long ago. It was of them standing together, in the usual formal way, but if you looked closely you could see the hands entwined and the almost giddy smile on his mother's face-and though his father's face was the perfect picture of sobriety, the artist had captured the slight sparkle in his eyes that had always been there when he'd been around his family, at least before the incident.
He had always loved the portrait, and the family one that hung next to it. It was of his parents, his sisters, his elder brother and himself. His three sisters had been drawn as refined and elegant, although her remembered them running around playfully, charming the artist. They'd been a little younger than Mulan at the time-15, 16 and 17 if he recalled correctly. Sen, although drawn as noble and composed (with his hand on Shang's shoulder, who was looking much the same way but shorter-a way that Shang had been described for the majority of his life) had in actual fact been drooling over the girl next door. Shang recalled that this girl had been very pretty, an accomplished dancer and very sweet. She'd rather liked his brother, but at the awkward age of 18 his brother hadn't been at all sure what to do. Shang (at the rather black and white age of 14) hadn't understood why they didn't just get on with it and get engaged. However, he finally understood now.
It had only taken 5 years or so.
Mulan stirred a little. "Did I fall asleep? Sorry...Your hair is still a mess." He let go of her and she stretched her arms sleepily.
"It's alright...I don't mind." Shang grinned at her. "Shall we set off, then?"
She looked at the sky. "Travelling at night?" She absent-mindedly took down his hair and retied it. He privately decided it was something he could get used to, if she wanted to make a habit of it.
"Well, we've both slept, and we do have a fearsome dragon."
Mushu was currently lying asleep on his back, legs kicking in the air and making the odd growling sound. A small puff of smoke escaped his nostrils, and he made the odd comment about being a dragon, not a lizard or anything else like that.
Mulan giggled (bringing great delight to Shang) and nodded. "Oh, I think your shirt is dry. Just as well, it's cold at night." She gave him a pointed look.
He smiled innocently and pulled his undershirt over his shoulders, tying it at the side. After a few moments he was fully dressed again, and Mulan had woken Mushu up. "Let's get going."
Incidentally, what happened to Shang is possible-it's due to context-dependant learning, where an external factor can trigger a memory. Like when you learn something somewhere, and then when you're in the same place you remember it. Fear the power of psychology revision! Hehe
I'm sorry this chapter is so short. I've been working on it for a while, and it is longer than it was first time round…I am however rather proud of it. I suspect if I tried to make it much longer now then it would simply drag it out, and lose some of the impact. It was written whilst I listened to Strange Fruit (Nina Simone version) which I think influenced me rather a lot…
Oh, and the title of this comes from the song by Heather Nova, which is a gorgeous song:
"Powerless to change your world,
I'm powerless to stop the hurt,
I'm trying hard to be your tower of strength,
I'm trying hard to bring back to joy,
I'll give you my heart, give you my shoulder,
I'll give you my heart, give you my shoulder"
Obviously I own neither that pretty song nor the characters (aside from Shang's family, or at least, their names). This chapter is to henceforth be known as "The Angsty Part" The pink elephant thing is inspired by half of the Harry Potter fanfiction I've read…and because pink elephants are marvellous things to sit in corners and be ignored.
…and I just realised that Sen is, of course, the name Chihiro is given in Spirited Away. There's a bit of trivia for you. Especially since I watched it recently.