The Grass is Always Greener
Chapter 3: Erik's Day as the Vicomte (A.K.A. Erik's Day in a Living Hell)
Author's Note: Hello people! I'm in a very giddy mood, so this chap will probably be one of the either stupidest of funniest chaps I've written, you guys decide, and let me know what you decided by REVIEWING! Also, sorry if Christine is too nagging or over emotional too much in this chap, couldn't be helped :) ! And, please forgive any mistakes in this chap, I was kind ofrushed when I was writing it.
To: jeevesandwooster : Hey thanks! Glad that you thought it was funny! Hope you'll like this chap!
To: SoniaM2005: Yeah, haha, the update comment was so funny. :)Anyway, thanks for the nice review! Hope you like this chap!
To: Mominator124: Glad you liked how Mme. Giry turned the tables on Erik (For once :) Hope you find the twists and surprises I have in store to your liking! Thanks for reviewing!
To: PhantomLover05: Hey! Thanks! Hope you like!
To:Kitsune Blade: Okay, I'mtrying to avoid the "wooden spoon of doom" (whatever the heck that is ?), so I updated. Thanks for the review, hope you like!
Disclaimer: Okay, I don't own it. But I do own a Phantom of the Opera piano book and I can play all the songs in it! Come on, doesn't that count for something?
Erik got out of the taxi and looked around. God, this place was HUGE! How filthy stinkin' rich was the Vicomte to have a huge mansion like this? Erik walked inside the door and grinned evilly. 24 hours with a beautiful girl, servants, and a huge house. He hoped Raoul wasn't that dumb that he hadn't figured out that he had agreed to a sucker bet!
And he couldn't believe the size of this place. Huge marble pillars, a gold, grand staircase, polished marble floors, a chandelier in every room, need he go on? He could get used to this place.
He walked in further down the hallway. Just in time, Christine came running down the hallway, flinging herself into Erik's arms and screaming "Oh Raoul! I was so worried! You left and didn't tell me where you went or who you were with! You could have gotten killed! Or shot! Or run over by a carriage! Or poisoned! Or stabbed! Or-"
Erik put his hand over Christine's mouth, shutting her up. he removed it and said "Uh Christine, in case you haven't noticed , I'm not Raoul" he said, pointing out the obvious.
Christine stared at him in shock, and then flung herself in his arms again and said "Oh, my angel! You've returned! Wait a minute.. ANGEL!" she said. She broke away from him, and right on cue, instantly started singing:
Angel of music
Guide and guardian
Grant to me your glory
Angel of music
Hide no longer
Come to me
Strange angel!
Christine stopped singing and looked confused for a moment. She looked at Erik and said sounding very similar to a dumb blonde ( A/N O.K., she's a brunette, but her I.Q. could be compared to a dumb blonde's) "Wait a minute.. If you're my angel, you can't just walk in through the front door! You have to come in through the mirror. Don't worry, Raoul has mirrors all over the place."
Erik looked at her oddly "Christine, you do know that that whole 'Angel of Music' thing was just a hoax to win your affections, right? I'm not really an angel" he said
Christine sank down on the floor "You're not?" she asked, her lower lip heavily quivering,with puppy dog eyes
"No"
The dam broke loose. Christine sobbed uncontrollably, saying in between cries and sobs "But Daddy told me my Angel was real! He was real! Just like Santa! And the Easter Bunny! And the Tooth Fairy!" she sobbed. Erik sank down, hugging her in shock. "Oh boy. Christine, you have got to be kidding me. You cannot be that stupid you actually believe all that stuff really exists, can you?"
Christine stood up "Oh, so now you think I'm stupid?"
Erik could feel he was getting into hot water, so he stood and changed the subject "Uh, ya know, you haven't asked-" when Christine broke in
"WHERE'S RAOUL? OH MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED? WHY ARE YOU HERE INSTEAD OF RAOUL?" she gasped and looked at him "You kidnapped him, didn't you? Well, FYI, I'm not marrying you, even if you are a hot and sexy angel." she said
Erik took a deep breath "Christine, calm down! I'll explain everything. You see, me and Raoul were talking-"
"Wait a gosh darn minute! You mean Raoul was associating with someone I didn't give him permission to see? Anyone that's going to be near my Raoul-Raoul has to fill out a resume and liability wager first, and he knows that! I can't believe he did that behind my back!" she said huffily
"Anyways, Christine, he was, uh, saying that you and him needed to, um, oh, hell with it: He said you were wrecking his life, I said my life was horrid, and we both thought our lives were more horrible than the others, so we made a bet to see who could last longer in each other's lifestyles without cracking first" Erik said in a rush.
Christine instantly brightened "That's okay. You can take Raoul's place today. We're going to have loads of fun." she said
Erik grinned seductively "Let's start right now" he said, leaning in for a kiss.
Christine pushed him away "Not that kind of fun silly. Here's what we're doing today." she said handing him a To-Do List.
"I have to go get dressed."
Erik looked at the gorgeous silver dress she was wearing and he said "What's wrong with what you're already wearing?" he asked
Christine immediately got defensive "Oh, so just because this is the third dress I've changed into this morning, you think it's ugly, huh? Well, I'm not going out dressed in this old thing. I want something prettier, and I need to change clothes!"
Erik backed down "Okay, so go change"
Christine immediately got upset "Oh, okay, so now you agree that I'm ugly and that this dress just makes me look uglier, huh? Well, what if I don't wanna change? What if I like how I look? Huh?"
Erik was stunned at her. " I don't really care what you do." he said
Christine cried yet again" Great! Now you don't even care about me!" she said
Erik stood there in shock "Christine, what is wrong with you? You never were this moody the whole time I knew you. What the Hell happened?" he said
She looked at him "I was always like this. You just never realized because every time I saw you, I was always singing."
Erik remained speechless.
Christine went skipping up the stairs "I'm going to change. You need to look over that to-do list while I'm gone" she said
Erik went into the living room, threw himself into a chair while saying "It's only for a day, it's only for a day" He decided to look over the to-do list
To-Do Today
Go shopping w/ Raoul
Watch latest romantic comedy at movies w/ Raoul
Exercise at Gym w/ Raoul
Eat at Buffet w/ Raoul
Read latest romance novel aloud w/ Raoul
Discuss feelings w/ Raoul
Erik realized with a sinking heart that every thing written "w/ Raoul" after it, he was going to have to do today! "God, I need a beer"
Two hours later, Christine came downstairs. By that time, Erik had found Raoul's stash of concealers. Excitedly, he grabbed every one of them, and rushed into the bathroom to try them out. Unfortunately, he didn't read the ingredients, and put on sixteen different types of concealers on his deformity at the same time, which made his face look great... for about five minutes. Afterwards, his face broke out horribly in a rash, which made his deformity look even worse than it did before. He flipped out when he saw it, and ran around screaming, but fortunately covered it up with a spare mask he had on hand. He also tried everything on earth possible to unblock football from the T.V., but it was no use, so he watched a Spanish soap opera until Christine called to him.
She was wearing a pink T-shirt, tight hip-hugger jeans, and flip flops, with mascara, eye shadow, lipstick and blush. Erik looked confused "When were those clothes invented?" he asked. Christine looked ready to cry, and Erik didn't want her to demand to change clothes again, so he hurriedly said "I mean, they must have been invented especially for you, because they look so great, honey" he said.
Christine smiled and wrapped her arm around his waist "Nice save. You know, having you around today instead of Raoul might not be such a bad thing" she said.
Erik smiled "Yeah, you think so?" and swiftly gave her a kiss on the lips, much to her dismay, because it ruined her make up, which she had to take ten more minutes to fix. Little did Erik know his day in Hell was just beginning.
Erik thought that living in complete isolation and solitude from the rest of the world for almost twenty years was hell. God, was he wrong! After about an hour with Christine, he truly knew what hell was, and was totally willing to live completley cut off from civilization for the rest of his life rather than spend another minute where he was. He wanted to run for his lair, but the only thing that swayed him was the thought of losing a bet to Raoul. So, Erik, who had thought himself a complete master at torture, had a lot to learn.
His day began when Christine dragged him into a shopping mall, and immediately headed to a huge department store, where she dragged Erik to the men's section.
Erik looked around. "What are we doing here?"
Christine looked at him stupidly " Buying you some new clothes. I'm sick of you wearing black suits and those low cut ruffle shirts every day. You need a whole new wardrobe buddy"
Erik looked insulted "What's wrong with the way I dress?"
"You look like a fop"
"Hey, that's Raoul, not me. And besides, I wore a red suit to the Masquerade Ball last year!"
"Whatever. Bottom line, you are changing your wardrobe! And I'm helping"
"Christine, you do know I'm only staying for twebty four hours, right?"
She looked insulted "Of course. But while you're there, you're going to dress nicely"
She then proceeded to forcibly drag Erik around the store, throwing misilanious articles ofclothing over his arms.
"Oh Erik, look! This baby-blue shirt looks so cute! Wow, these orange shorts look great!And look here, this pink shirt looks so cute. You know, it takes a real man to wear pink"
Erik groaned "Christine, I've gone through a lot for you. But I am not wearing a pink shirt! Or dressing in bright colors!"
Christine put a pair of pants onto the bundle of clothing and patted Erik's arm "Yes you are dear, let's not argue about it."
"Christine, there isn't one single thing here that's black!"
"So? Oh look Erik! They have some boxer shorts. And there's little music notes on them! Oh, these are so adorable!" she squealed in a high voice
Erik tugged at his collar nervously "Christine, I know they're cute, but I'm not wearing them. They're ridiculous."
Christine lost it "OH,SO NOW MY TASTES IN BOXERS SHORTS ARERIDICOLOUS? YOU ARE SO INSENSITIVE! THEY'RE ADORABLE, AND THESE BOXER SHORTS LOOK ADORABLE ON YOU!"
Erik loudly shushed her "Okay, okay! I'll wear 'em. Please don't start screaming again!" he begged, conscious that everyone in the store was starring at them.
Christine also picked out other things for Erik to wear, including a ton of light colored cotton t-shirts with patterns on them, pastel colored shirts and pants, and tie-dye shirts and shorts. By then, Erik had lost it.
"Tie-dye? TIE-DIE! Christine I have done a lot for you, I've been through hell and back to win your affections, but I draw the line at dressing in tie-die!
Ten minutes later, Erik and Christine left the store, Erik carrying four bags filled with brightly colored cotton t-shirts, bright pastel shirts and pants, six sets of matching tie-die t-shirts and shorts, and four packages of boxer shorts with music notes printed onto them. Erik was a bit annoyed, especially since the bags full of clothing he didn't want weighed a ton, and they weren't even done shopping yet!
After twenty minutes in Bath and Body Works,(a horrid store, in Erik's opinion,) Christine had three new bottles of lotion and perfume, upon which leaving the store, she immediately put some hideous smelling lotion on Erik's hands and unmasked side of his face. He about had a heart attack when he read the label
" Peony? Peony! You put Peony lotion on me! God, even the name reeks! It sounds like you're saying 'pee on me' or something. This stuff smells horrid!"
"Erik! Don't be so dramatic! Read the label, it tells you every thing that's in it."
"'Fresh peony blends with luscious garden rose in this beautiful and feminine interpretation of a classic floral fragrance' Goody, not only does it stink, it's a feminine scent!"
"Erik, stop it! You need to smell like something other than smoke, lake water and candle wax every once in a while! Now come on, we're gonna be late for the movie if we don't hurry up!"
"Gee, what a shame that would be" Erik said, his tone dripping in sarcasm.
Now, Erik had always considered himself to be a mastermind when it came to torturing others. Boy, did he have a lot to learn. There was a whole world of horrible painful torture that Erik never knew existed: chick flicks. Whomever wrote and directed this movie obviously was extremely talented at torturing others. two and a half hours of stupid, cheesy romantic lines, hopelessly romantic situations, and internet dating services. Erik could feel his mind getting numb more and more each minute he sat there. Christine ate a jumbo bucket popcorn, smacking her lips obnoxiously when she chewed some gum, and slurping every time she took a drink from her extra large Coke. she cried and/or laughed every five minutes at a cheesy line or stupid joke. Then, she had to make two bathroom breaks, and was furious when Erik couldn't fill her in on what had happened that he missed because he wasn't paying attention, and was counting the tiles on the ceiling.The ONLY positive thing about it was that he got to sit down, and not have to carry the heavy bags from the department stores.
The second the movie was over, Erik ran from the theater, screaming for joy "IT'S OVER! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! HALLELUJAH! THANK YOU GOD!" until he ran into a wall, and Christine caught up with him, and smacked his arm hard for deserting her like that.
After that, they left the mall, and headed straight to the gym, four blocks away. Erik had to endure two stinkin' hours of treadmills, lifting weights, a yoga class, and an intense aerobics class. His pants legs got caught in the treadmills, throwing him on the floor until he set himself free. Christine couldn't lift more than ten pounds, and when she accidentally dropped a weight on her hand, Erik had to kiss it and her, carry her into the waiting room, and sing "Music of the Night" to her (much to Erik's delight) four times before she calmed down enough to go back in. In the middle of the aerobics class, he fell onto the floor, panting and begging for water. Christine got down beside him
"Erik! Stop being such a drama queen! It's only an intense aerobics class!"
"Can't make it! Go on without me!" Erik said, fighting for breath to speak, until he passed out, and when Erik awoke twenty-five minutes later, class was over much to his delight and Christine's disappointment.
Next, they went out to eat lunch at a cafe, which Erik thought was going to be fun, until the only thing Christine let Erik have from the buffet (since she forced him to go on a low carb diet, the South Beach Diet, and a whole grain diet all at once) was some celery, a few soda crackers, some water, and a carrot for dessert.
They finally returned home at two o clock, and Christine made him read two romance novels with her aloud, discussing their feelings about the characters before starting a new chapter. Erik was ready to either
A) Pull his hair out
B) Strangle Christine
C) Tear both the novels up into tiny pieces or
D) all of the above, when the maid announced that dinner was ready. That was another form of torture. Even though there was a delicious meal in front of him, Erik lost his appetite.
"Erik, I don't think should eat all this."
"Why not?"
"I'll get fat."
"Christine, you're not fat"
"Oh, well who said I was fat? You are so insensitive!"
"What?"
"And you never listen to me either! You don't ever pay attention to me!"
"Yes I do!' Erik said while he was stuffing his face with turkey.
"You haven't visited Raoul and me in over a year!"
"Christine, I'm a deformed musical genius living five stories beneath an opera house, that used to be obsessed with you, and made a mortal enemy out of your husband."
"Didn't mean you couldn't drop by once in a while"
" Can we please change the subject?"
"Great! So now you aren't even interested in what I'm talking about!"
After dinner was over, Erik accompanied Christine to a golf game at the local course, which to Erik sounded like heaven after the day he had been through. Erik was pretty good at golf, and he was planning on getting a golf corse installed in his lair. Unfortunately, Christine wasn't very good at playing golf, and even when Erik showed her how to do it correctly, she still stunk. So, she figured it out when Erik let her win, and refused to speak to him on the drive home, but she made up five minutes after they got into the house by kissing him mercilessly (which was the best thing that happened to Erik that day). Unfortunately, Erik had to watch Titanic while Christine knitted and cried through the whole thing. Erik was ready to strangle himself. The only scene he paid attention to was when Jack drew the portrait of Rose naked, which caused Christine to slap Erik when she noticed what he was doing, and skip to the next scene. after the movie was over, they got ready for bed. Erik slept in the guest room.
As Erik lay in bed that night, he couldn't believe what he had been through. He suddenly realized this was what his life would be like if he had married Christine instead Raoul. He quickly thanked God he wasn't married. e fell asleep that night trying to rejuvenate. He only had to make it until eleven A.M. the next day to win the bet.