The Grass is Always Greener
Chapter 4: Raoul's Day as the Phantom (A.K.A. Raoul's Day In A Living Hell)
Author's Note: Hello everybody! I am feeling extremly hyper and stupid right now, so this chap will probably be very funny :). Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chap! I'm wondering: Who do you guys want to win the bet? Erik or Raoul? Please review and let me know! Also, there is a minor Titanic reference in this chap.Can any of you guys find it? If ya can, please R and R and let me know. Hope you like this chap. Also, please forgive all the spelling and other stupid errors that are in this chap, I am to hyper to proofread, and it's also 11: 55 P.M.:) .
To: SoniaM2005: Hey there! Your story was so great!Anyway, I am way too hyper right now, so cutting to the chase : Thanks for the nice review! Glad you think the story's funny. Yeah, hahaha, the update comment was so hillarious, your story was marvelous, hope it was fun to write!
To: GerrysISUChick04: Hello! Glad you liked a ditzy Christine! Thanks for reviewing, here's your update. Hope it's funny :)
To: Reltistic: Hey! Glad Chap. 3 was funny. Hope you like this chap! Thanks for the review! And sorry if I disturbed you too much ;)I LOVE your latest story! It is so hillarious! PLEASE update soon!
To:Kitsune Blade: Okayyyyyy, anyway, here's your update! Hope you like it!
To:jeevesandwooster: Happy to see you like the story so much! Your reviews are so great! Keep 'em coming! Hope you like this chap!
To: MouetteHeartsErik: Thanks for the review! And thanks for the compliment about Christine, though I'm not exactly sure what you said about her, because big words make my brain hurt:) Hope you like this chap!
To:erikphan24601:Thanks for the review! Hope this chapters just as funny!
Disclaimer: OK, I've gotten several nasty notes and phone calls from ALW about claiming to own POTO, so here it goes : Don't own it, never have, never will. There, are you happy now ALW?
Raoul sat alone in the lair, his feet up on a table and leaning back into his chair. "God, this will be so sweet! 24/7 access to all the football, Phantom-y stuff and naked ballet girls I want" he said, chuckling. Unfortunately, he was so busy imaging himself as the Phantom, he leaned back waaayyy to far in the chair, and fell backwards onto the floor. "Ahhhh! That hurt! O.K., where's the Phantom keep his first-aid kit, cause I got a really bad boo-boo!"
After about ten minutes, Raoul realized that there was no first aid kit. He sat down, and realized his "boo-boo" was a slight cut that wasn't even bleeding. He then found the mask and the cape. "Oh, I guess I'm supposed to put these on" He fastened the cape around his neck, and was beginning to put the mask on, when he realized something important. "Oh no! If I were this, I have to cover half of my adorable face! I'd be denying the world my beauty!" Then, he remembered wearing the mask was required of The Phantom of the Opera, and if he wanted to win this bet, he had to wear it. Fighting back tears, he heaved a sigh, and said "Sorry face" He began to put it on, but it wouldn't fit. "What the hell?" Then Raoul realized he had it on upside down, with the eye and nose holes at the bottom of his face. "Hey, my face isn't shaped this way ! What kind of freaky face does the Phantom have?" He tried again, this time putting the mask horizontally across his face. That wouldn't fit either. Finally, on the third try, he got it right. "Ahh, that's better! Now I need to see my reflection and check on how I look"
Raoul walked all around the lair, searching for a mirror. When that didn't work, he tried calling to it "Mirror! Oh mirror, where are you? Come here mirror! Good mirror, come out, come out wherever you are! O.K., ally ally oxen free! COME OUT YOU STINKIN' MIRROR!" Raoul was beginning to get worried. He ran all around the lair, screaming like an idiot "WHERE'S THE MIRROR?" He then ripped the entire lair apart. He pulled out and searched in every drawer, threw all sorts of covers off of things, and pushed all the sheet music off the organ, into the lake. He paused for a moment. "Oh godammit , I'm a dead man" So, Raoul pulled all the music out of the lake, and shoved it back onto the organ, trying to fan them dry. After that was accomplished, Raoul continued searching for a mirror. Eventually, he realized that, tragically, there wasn't a mirror in the lair. He didn't know how to deal with this information, so he curled up into a fetal position, sucking his thumb, and rocking back and forth, saying repeatedly "Mirror, mirror. Where's the mirror? There's no mirror! I need a mirror. Somebody help me!"
After doing that for about ten minutes, Raoul sat up and got into a chair. "O.K., if there's no mirror, I'll just have to-ooh, shiny." Raoul noticed the antenna on the T.V. Set. He played with it, flinging it back and forth for a few minutes. Then, he realized something important " T.V.! Wow, I can watch all the football I want to!" He turned it on, and sat for four hours, watching two football games and some wrestling. By the third hour, he was drooling at the sight of a football game, something he hadn't seen in over a year, and by the four hour, he was hugging the T.V. set, stroking it while saying "Nice T.V. Nice sports, good sports. I love you sports." He was kissing the T.V. screen, when he realized he was hungry. So, he went over to a halfway, kitchen- like area to look for some food. He then realized, he couldn't find any. Just when he was going to gnaw the leg off of the table, he found a note on top. "Hey, maybe I could eat this" Fortunately, the fop looked at it first
Idiot boy,
I know by now you're probably hungry. Even though I'd love to see you starve to death, that would mean there wouldn't be a fop around to pay me my one hundred francs when I win this bet. In case you're so dumb you haven't noticed, there isn't any food in the kitchen. Call take-out instead.
O.G.
"Hey, he called me mean names! Wait, what do 'idiot' and 'dumb' mean?" Raoul exclaimed. After re-reading the note several times, Raoul figured out that he had to call a fast-food joint for some food. So he did, which ended in disastrous results.
"Hello, Pizza Hut? Yeah, I'm starving, and I need some food. I want one large stuffed crust pizza, with cheese, pepperoni and mushrooms. Delivery please. Address? I dunna know. Somewhere way underground in a Phantom's lair way beneath the Paris Opera House. What do ya mean, exact address? I don't know my address! Quit giggling! I don't think this place has an address. Yes, I'm sure it doesn't have an address. Wait, let me check.Nope, don't have an address. Stop laughing!Whatdaya mean 'we can't deliver without an exact street address'? I'm starving here! Well, fine! I don't want pizza anyway. You people are mean!" Raoul slammed down the phone. After about five more calls to other fast food places that sounded extremely similar to the above one, Raoul gave up and finally found some crackers in his pocket, gave up and ate those.
He then remembered it was his job as the Phantom to sneak around the Opera House and be ghost-like. He decided he was going to give it a try. "But first, I need to give my face a healthy moisturized glow. Now, where's Mr. Opera Ghost keep his makeup?" Once again, Raoul walked a bit around the lair, looking for mosturizer.After five minutes, he was looking all over the place, and was slightly concerned. By ten minutes, he was panicking, throwing everything on the floor, screaming "MOSTURIZER! CONCEALERS!WHERE ARE YOU? I NEED MY MAKEUP!" Twenty minutes later, he was once again in the fetal position, sucking his thumb, and rolling back and forth, muttering to himself like a crazy person "It's okay Raoul. Control yourself. There must be some makeup somewhere. The Phantom can't not own makeup! It's not possible. It's okay. I don't need makeup! I don't need face cleansers and cover ups! I'll make it! Only sixteen more concealer makeup-less hours to go. I can do it!" he said, then burst into tears and screamed "I CAN'T DO IT!"
After twenty more minutes of crying, sobbing, and screaming, Raoul resigned himself to the fact that, for once in his life, he was going to appear in public without any makeup. He got the boat, unlocked the lake's gate, and was beginning to push the boat away from shore with the stick thing while muttering to himself comfortingly" I know, Raoul. It's o.k. It's only for a little while. Besides, no one will know it's you. You're the Phantom of the Opera. Yeah... Yeah! I AM THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA!"
Unfortunately, Raoul got so distracted with his little motivational speech there, he didn't realize how much he was rocking the boat, until he lost control of the stick thing, and toppled off the boat into the water. He came up, spitting out water, and gasping for air while yelling like a moron" Help! Help me! I can't swim! I'm gonna drown! I can't swim! Help me, someone, please. I'm so cold. I can't go on! I can't feel my body. For the love of God, somebody please, SAVE ME!" he finished dramatically, until he realized the water was only about four feet deep, and he could walk to shore. He also remembered what Erik said about the lake being the-well, you all know what-, and immediately ran into the bedroom, flung off his suit and cape, and screamed "Ewww! Grossss! My god, I was drowning in the Phantom of the Opera's toilet!" Twenty minutes later, Raoul had changed into another suit, but he was deeply upset. "My god, all that Phantom owns is black! Black, black, black! Jeeez, he really needs some color in his wardrobe. Maybe pink. Or tie-dye."
Finally, Raoul made it upstairs. Unfortunately, he got lost in all the confusing secret passage ways, and decided to ditch them, and walk out in the open, where everyone else was. Five minutes later, he was running from an angry mob and about fifteen Phantom fan girls trying to rip off his mask and/or clothing to sell them on Ebay. He eventually got tackled by them, but mysteriously disappeared and made his way back into a secret tunnel, escaping the mob, and the Phantom fan girls, who unfortunately made off with a ripped piece of fabric from his cape, and one of his shoes. Five minutes later, he found what he was looking for. "Ahh-ha! The two way mirror into the Ballet brats dressing room!"
Raoul (amazingly, for his intelligence level) figured out how to work the two way switch, and sat for an hour, watching numerous skinny, hot ballet girls changing clothes. He feasted on the sight of some of them in skimpy little dancing girl's costumes, and practically passed out when two of them, including Meg Giry, got completely nude.
Unfortunately, he was so distracted by their beauty, he accidentally pulled down the lever all the way, allowing him to see the ballet girls, and now allowing the ballet girls to (unknown to him then) see him. Making things worse, he muttered "God, those girls are hot. Specially Meg Giry" Two seconds later, one looked over and screamed "Some pervert's watching us through the mirror!"
"Really?" one asked, looking Raoul's direction, and starting to perform a stripper routine, peeling off her undergarments. Meg Giry screamed "He's here! The Phantom of the Opera! And he's watching us change!" The girls all hastily grabbed something to cover themselves with, much to Raoul's disappointment. He then realized that they could see him.
At that moment, Mme. Giry came rushing in, her ballet cane in hand "Girls! What on earth's wrong? Why are you screaming bloody murder in here?"
Meg spoke up" Mother, the Phantom of the Opera's watching us change clothes through the mirror! And he said I'm hot!"
Mme. Giry instantly turned around to face the mirror "WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE? WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT MY BALLET GIRLS NAKED?" she screamed. Raoul turned to run, but Mme. Giry opened up the mirror, ran after him, caught him, and started beating on him with her cane. "Stop! Please Mme. Giry, stop! Ahh, the pain! O.k., I'm sorry for spying on your girls naked, especially Meg, but God, she was hot!" which only caused Mme. Giry to cane him harder, and make Raoul scream like a girl. By now, a few of the ballet girls had dressed and were giggling uncontrollably at the sight of Mme. Giry caning the Opera Ghost and making him scream like a girl.
Eventually, Mme. Giry shooed all the ballet brats out of the passageway, sealed it up, and dragged Raoul by the ear back to her dressing room.
"Vicomte!" she growled "This better not be about that damn bet again!"
"Well, it kinda is. But you can't imagine the horrible day I've been through!"
"Try me"
"Well, first I had to cover my face with a mask, which is pathetic, because I'm the cute guy in this story. The phantom didn't have any mirrors, so I just about had a mental breakdown. Can you believe that? He doesn't want to look at himself"
"Well, no shit Sherlock, he's deformed."
"Anyway" Raoul continued, unaware he'd just been insulted " then I watched T.V. for a while, then I got hungry, so I tried to order a pizza, but the mean guy on the phone wouldn't deliver one to me cause the Phantom's lair doesn't have an exact street address. So, I survived by eating some crackers. After that, I decided to sneak around like the Phantom. But guess what? The Phantom doesn't own any moisturizers or con-con-concealers" Raoul's lower lip began trembling, and he fought back some tears.
Mme. Giry sighed "Can we get on with this?"
"Anyway, for the first time in my whole entire life, I left the house without any makeup"
"Poor baby" Mme. Giry sarcastically remarked
"Yeah, I know. So then, I was starting to leave, when I rocked the boat and fell into the lake. Then, I had to change my clothes. Would ya believe all the Phantom has to wear is black suits? All dark, no colors."
"Gee, maybe it's because he wants to blend in when he's STALKING IN THE SHADOWS!
"Whoa! You don't need to get sarcastic on me here. I was just saying. Anyway, so then I got lost in the secret passageways, walked out, got attacked by a mob, and watched ballet girls through the mirror."
Madame Giry stared at him threateningly "For how long?"
"'Bout a hour."
"WHAT?" she said, and instantly grabbed her cane and raised it up towards him
"Uh, I MEAN FIVE MINUTES!"
Mme. Giry sat back down and sighed "Well, that's good. I never knew that mirror was a two way. I'll have to seal it off"
"The Phantom won't like that"
Mme. Giry stared at him inquisitively "How do you know that?"
"He watches the girls through it. He's the one that told me it's there. Oops"
Once again, Mme. Giry raised the cane "I'm going to wring your neck and the Phantom's, after I cane you both for watching my daughter naked!"
"But she's a babe"
Needless to say, Raoul spent an anguishing fifteen minutes getting the tar beat out of him with Mme. Giry's cane. Raoul left the dressing room, moaning, while Mme. Giry cheerfully called "Come visit again some time!"
Well, Raoul spent about two hours wandering around the secret passageways, trying not to get lost. He finally found a tunnel that led to the rafters above the stage. He looked down, before he remembered he was scarred of heights. There was a rehearsal for the opera's latest production going on, and luckily, some costume covered with sequins on the stage distracted him and made him forget about being afraid. "Oh no! That costume totally doesn't go with her skin tone! What a mess!" Raoul walked up and down the rafters a bit, until he found a megaphone." Ooh, this must be what the Phantom uses to make his voice all big and boomy and scary. I wanna try"
Raoul turned it on, causing a horrid feedback that lasted for about five minutes. Then, when everyone was looking at him, he said through the megaphone "Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please? Thank you. Ahemm, I am the Phantom of the Opera! Behold my scary, ghostly powers and un-moisturized face and tremble! I'm your worst nightmare! Beware!" with that, Raoul dropped the megaphone, and tried swishing his cape really mysteriously, like the Phantom does. Only Raoul, (being the idiot he is) pulled the cape up way too high, and pulled it up over his eyes, causing his head to get tangled in the cape. He wildly tried to free himself, running all over the rafters screaming " HELP! MY FACE IS TRAPPED! I CAN'T ESCAPE! I CAN'T SEE! EVERYTHING'S DARK! OH MY GOD, AM I BLIND? HELP ME!" While Raoul was running around wildly, he stumbled, and tripped, falling off the rafters, and fell face first onto the ground. He pulled off the cape. "Oh my god! My face! Is it okay? Did I ruin it!"
Everyone stared in amazement at the Opera Ghost, fallen in a heap on the floor, worrying about his face. Madame Giry slapped her forehead and muttered to herself "Great going Raoul. Way to protect Erik's rep"
After everyone got over the shock, Raoul realized what he had done, and took off running. But, everyone quickly caught up with him, and mobbed him. Some of the male performers tried to beat him up, but Raoul was mercifully spared a major beating by about twenty-five screaming Phantom fan girls who threw themselves around him, then tried to rip his clothes off, kiss him, or beg him to marry them. When he finally escaped them, his exit was cut off by about ten ballet girls who slapped him and spit on him, because wanted revenge for him watching them change through the two way mirror.
So, as Raoul trudged into the lair, he looked for a bed to throw himself on. "I guess I'll have to sleep on that weird red, black, swan bed thing" So, he laid down on it, and tried to get comfortable, which he soon found out was impossible. He couldn't find a position that didn't either
A) Jam his spine into the hard back
B) Conk his head on the swan's head
C) Cramp his legsor
D) All of the above.
Finally, Raoul just decided to sleep on the floor, muttering angrily to himself "God! How's a guy supposed to sleep on that thing! Now I know why he only puts uncurious, swooning girlson it, 'cause they can't feel anything!" He eventually fell asleep, knowing he only had to hold out 'til eleven A.M. tomorrow. Then the torture would finally be over.