Guest Ki: Chapter 22

Recipe for Change

"You transferred?" It wasn't really a question. Barry wondered how he could have been so distracted as to miss Kodachi's entrance to the room and her approach.

"Of course, Ranma-darling. Why whither away in that drearyCatholic school, when the center of my universe is within my reach? Ohohohohohoho…" Her soft laughter caused the hairs to rise on the heads of nearby students. Barry, buffered by Ranma's experience, groaned. The entrance of Miss Hinako interrupted further dangerous discussion.

"Anybody bad while I was gone?" Everyone sat silently. Barry sweated. He felt like an animal in a trap. He was surrounded on all sides by Ranma's fiancées, official or not. Barry wondered if the Saotomes were related to someone named Murphy. "All right. Shampoo? Could you come to the front of the class and introduce yourself?"

The purple-haired girl bounced to the front, to the enjoyment of the males in the class. She turned, performed a sketchy bow and smiled cheerfully.

"Am Xian Pu from Bayan Har Shan in China. You say Shampoo and Bayan Kala Mountains. Am Joketsuzoku, woman warrior. Shampoo's people live in Matriarchy, where woman make rule because tired of dumb-boy mistakes."

The girls in the class giggled at this and looked aside at favorite targets. "Am strong martial artist, like sports, like music, no much like Japanese fashions, sorry!" She dipped a curtsy and continued. "Know many boys want date. No can do. Amazon choose mate, unless lose to outsider male." She looked pointedly at Ranma and ignored Akane's low growl. "Am done." She bounced another sketchy bow and returned to her seat.

"Thank you, Shampoo. Now, if everyone would please open their books to the beginning of chapter fourteen."

As Kodachi tried to pass him a note, Barry took a page from Ranma's book and slowly and methodically began to beat his head on the desk.

They met the new history teacher just before lunch. When she walked in, even Akane, did a double take. She didn't really look like Kasumi Tendo, but… Mrs. Morisato smiled gently at the rowdy class and cleared her throat. That simply, she had everyone's attention.

Barry felt himself straighten in his chair and noticed that everyone else in the room was also unconsciously attempting to present their best behavior and appearance. He gave Mrs. Morisato a second look, definitely a Kasumi-type. She seemed to be a beautiful woman in her mid-twenties with hair that was sort-of brown with gleaming golden highlights. When you met her eyes you immediately felt as if you were the focus of every good thing in creation. He wondered whatever had possessed the Fruitcake to hire her. It was not his style of control.

After she was certain of everyone's attention, she moved to the board and pulled down a map of Japan. "I see we have some new students in the class. You may call me Mrs. Morisato. This is my first teaching position and I'm very happy to be here with all of you." She beamed at them and even Kodachi found herself smiling back. "For the new students' benefit, we're studying some of the earliest origins of the Japanese people and culture this semester; long before the samurai dominated the social and political structures of the islands. Before, properly speaking, there existed a Japan at all." Her head tilted to one side and Barry half expected a Kasumi-like 'Oh, my!' to come out of her mouth. "If you don't mind, I'll call roll from Miss Hinako's latest chart and make sure I know who everyone is."

There was of course, no objection. Barry blushed when he almost forgot to rise when she called Ranma's name. It didn't seem right, somehow. He wasn't sure what to make of this new instructor, but she would definitely bear watching. He grinned suddenly. Also, he definitely had to get Mrs. Morisato and Kasumi together in one room. Their joint cheerfulness and optimism would probably subdue Happosai, Herb or Taro, and you never knew when something like that might prove a bonus.

Lunchtime.

Barry sat quivering at one corner of a square of females determined to feed him. Unfortunately, he didn't trust any of them today.

Kodachi's was almost certain to be drugged, though her preferences tended more to local and general anesthesia, than to mind-altering drugs. He really didn't want to antagonize her too much, either. While no longer much of a direct threat to Akane, she was sneaky and very good at attacking an opponent's weaknesses. She also had no code of honor to inhibit the direction of attacks.

Shampoo's food would taste good, he was sure. She also had to be watched though, because it was well within her honor system to drug him into compliance with the airen thing. He also needed to avoid antagonizing her, especially since he was going to need at least partial Amazon cooperation for his ki research.

Akane had obviously madelunch while he was out checking on Ranma's mom and picking up Ryoga. If she followed camp rules, he was fine, but there was no way to guarantee she had.

So he sat there and pondered just what he was going to do about the situation.

"All right, I give. What's in it, 'Dachi?"

She blushed at the familiar shortening of her name. "Rice, pickles, octopus…"

"No! I mean what's in it? Paralytic, hypnotic, soporific…"

"Ranma-darling, you wound me," she said pouting. "Here, I'll even taste it for you, if you don't trust me."

"Feh! I know you dose yourself with antidotes all the time."

"Shampoo always nice-nice," offered that individual. "Try Moo Go Gai Pan, Ranma!"

"You better try mine, Ranma," Akane said coolly, "At least, if you know what's good for you." She gave him a cool, calculating look when he glanced her way.

"Oh, really? Did you bring a stomach pump for desert, Tendo?" The Black Rose appeared amused at her own wit.

"What did you say?" Akane slowly rose to her feet.

"Ranma, you lucky dog," Hiroshi commented, slapping him on the shoulder. "Three gorgeous girls fighting for your attention…"

"Yeah," sighed Daisuke, looking longingly at Shampoo who frowned back.

For a brief, irrational moment, Barry was tempted to feed the offered meals to the two. Then he realized that whatever Kodachi and Shampoo decided was an appropriate dose for Ranma, it might well kill them. He wasn't that desperate yet.

"Hey, Ranma," Hiroshi interrupted his attempt at an escape plan. "After you finish eating, Dai an' me wanted your opinion on something."

"Yeah!" enthused Daisuke. "This could make us some real money."

"Uh-huh. Why do I have a bad feelin' 'bout this?" Barry queried, fixing them both with an icy glare. "Oh, well, let's get it over with." He turned back to the girls who were now all on their feet.

"Bimbo!"

"Servant!"

"Tramp!"

"Girls!" They jerked at his tone. "Remember, Hinako's standin' only twenty meters away. Yer really settin' yerselves up for a ki-draining." Akane and Shampoo subsided, but Kodachi rolled her eyes.

"Surely, Ranma-sama, you would protect me," she smirked.

They stared at her.

"Right. This is what we're going to do. Shampoo, try Kodachi's. Kodachi, try Shampoo's. Akane, if ya didn't follow camp rules, try some of yer own, carefully." He turned toward Ranma's two friends and added over his shoulder. "Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back."

"All right, you two. What's up?"

"It's great, Ranma!"

"You'll never believe it! We managed to get our hands on an actual copy of 'Vixen of Kyoto!" Dai ran the back of his hand over his face, reflexively.

Barry restrained a shudder. That… that film…

"It is hot!"

"Yeah! You've got to see this! Eeep!" Daisuke cringed as a ripple of energy visibly flickered about the shoulders of his pigtailed friend.

"Sorry, Dai." He licked his lips. What were these two up to? "This the movie with… the performer who looks somethin' like my girl-type, right?"

"Oh, your girl-type is way cuter," Hiroshi assured him.

"Definitely!" agreed Daisuke.

"Oh, man… I don't want ta hear anymore!" He turned away in disgust then reversed himself. "Why would Iwant ta see something' like that? What were you guys thinkin' of? Holdin' a private showin' with me servin' refreshments and gettin' my butt pinched, while a bunch of you losers drool in your seats?" They gulped at the look on his face. "Well have fun, but do it without me!" He stalked away; hoping his opposition to the idea would make them drop it. Now to stop by Ucchan's grill and get something to tide him over what was sure to be a disaster.

"But…" Hiroshi stared after Ranma.

"You know, that wasn't a bad idea," muttered Daisuke. "Wish we'd thought of that."

"Too late now," sighed his friend. He felt a muscle in his arm. "Are we losers, Dai?"

"By Ranma's standards? Definitely." They looked at one another. "What are we gonna do about it?" They looked at one another's less than impressive physiques.

"Let's bulk up."

"No time like the present."

"To the weight-room!" they cried.

Barry patted his stomach and waved to Ucchan as he walked back to the tree. He had told her of the trouble and she had had pity on him. He was still upset about Hiroshi and Daisuke. He slowed, taking a couple of deep cleansing breaths for control. His third breath caught in his throat.

Shampoo was flat on her back. Kodachi had her face in her hands and sat quietly to one side. Akane had a peculiar, red-faced, cross-eyed expression that did not bode well for her lunch either. He sighed and knelt before her first.

"You okay?"

"Too much pepper sauce," she choked out.

"Everything considered, that's pretty good, Akane," he said gently. She glared. "It was a weird morning. You'll get it next time."

He moved over to Shampoo, touching her arm. He quickly withdrew his hand as she shivered and faintly arched her back.

"Yo, Shampoo?" She writhed faintly before becoming still again. It looked like she… He dropped into ki-vision and verified that the wheels of energy that defined her sensory system, especially her pleasure centers, were three or four times as bright as they should be. Scowling he turned to Kodachi. "What about you, Kodachi?"

"A delicate and surprisingly powerful derivation of an unidentified valley orchid." She dropped her hands and gazed lovingly into his face. Her eyes seemed to glow. "Quite delightful, I must say, and gender specific. I'll have to see about importing some. Ooohohoho." She wrapped steely arms around his neck before he could retreat. A growl from behind them made the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end.

"Kodachi," he asked quietly, trying to ignore the Akane threat. "What was in your lunch and what did it do to Shampoo?"

"A compound derived from my roses, of course," she answered languidly. "A little different, this time, since we were going to be in public. Shampoo thought to deprive you of the lunch I prepared for…"

"She ate the whole thing?"

"Shampoo was redefining unladylike," Akane said in disgust.

Barry tried to restrain a grin. It would be so-o-o easy to honk off everyone conscious by exclaiming 'a girl after my own heart!' He turned his attention back to Kodachi. "The antidote, Kodachi?"

"She's not in any pain," Kodachi observed, trying to maneuver him to a prone position with subtle leverage.

"If ya actually managed to get me down," he murmured, more serious now, as he thought of the possible consequences, "Hinako would have us both drained before ya did anything."

"That's if I didn't get to you firstRanma!" Barry rolled his eyes toward Akane and froze. She looked damn serious and had her mallet out. Kodachi gazed briefly at her without a hint of concern.

"Damn! I would speak to my father about that little girl, if I thought it would do any good." She sighed and released him to fumble in her purse. "Here."

"Thank you." He looked at the small vial. "Ya drink it, right?"

"It is usually easiest that way," Kodachi murmured, blushing.

Barry scanned it cautiously with his ki-sense before administering about half the contents of the vial. After a minute, as Shampoo sighed and relaxed, he gave her half of what was left, watching the course of the antidote through the Amazon's body.

Shampoo blinked up at Ranma and shuddered. She really wanted him, but she felt disturbingly weak… She sat up suddenly and put a hand to her head as the world spun around in a pleasant manner. With Akane and her new training behind that mallet, Shampoo would have to be careful. Even Ranma was not invulnerable.

"Shampoo?"

"Ranma," she breathed with longing, starting to reach for him. She stopped when Akane twitched.

"Do you have the antidote for the stuff Kodachi got?"

"No." She wobbled and pouted as Barry frowned. "No need, only last hour or so." She smiled and pointed to him. "Want give Ranma big hug, but no want pervert-girl to hit." She wobbled some more and giggled. "Feel drunk. Hey, hyena-girl! You get hangover from this?" She pointed to herself and toppled over.

"No, you meatball head," Kodachi sniffed disdainfully. The sniff turned into a snicker, which continued until Kodachi was almost in tears. Barry heard her say something about a 'reenee' and 'maxied mini-moon', which made no sense at all to him. Akane was visibly irritated and sweating, holding her mallet warily before her.

"Can I hit them?" she asked, as Shampoo crawled over to Kodachi and giggled about 'in your dreams'. Actually, she was quite upset that her two biggest, personal villains obviously watched and enjoyed the same animé she did.

"Akane," came the dry reply, "you hit 'em now, they might get entirely the wrong idea."

Ryoga Hibiki stood off to one side and watched for a change. He could tell that something stupid was happening with Ranma's fiancées. However, for once, he was out of it. He only kept an eye on Akane out of habit and no longer felt the need to rush to her defense. She could very nearly defend him now. Not that he needed it, of course. He wasn't the one with demons, mystic princes and what-have-you coming to visit all the time.

His thoughts were interrupted as Akari handed him another morsel from the meal he was picking at. He accepted it with a smile and basked briefly in the smile he received in return. Akari was such a nice girl and somehow that was the trouble. Even watching her compete against Jani-san in the Ramen Noodle Wrestling hadn't changed his basic image of her as fragile and in need of protection. And he felt so… clumsy around her... afraid of what he might do to break her fragile heart.

In fact, across the lawn was one of the stones in his life that could easily kick up and do the damage. Ukyo Kuonji flipped okonomiyaki and chattered easily with her customers. The image was at odds with that kiss in the woods. He felt himself blush and strove to concentrate on Akari's words.

"…so sad when I watch Ranma over there, trying to get his life together," she was saying. "Anyone can tell that he loves Akane, but the other girls won't take the hint."

Ryoga ruffled a little at that statement. He could have told Akari that the young man over there was really only pretending to be Ranma, but it wasn't his secret. Still he probably ought to keep an eye on Barry. Married or not, Akane was pretty and if Barry were stuck here for a while… He felt his fist clench. No stranger was going to assault Akane while Ryoga Hibiki was around! Why he'd…

"...but then, I suppose if you've never been in love, it's hard to see it in someone else." Akari sighed and laid a possessive hand on his arm.

He gulped and as was usually the case in something important, started to say one thing, only to have it fly off in another direction. "Akari… Heh-heh, heh! Um… Do you…" He intended to ask her if she loved him. Something he really wanted to know and had been trying to get up the courage to ask. Instead he finished, "…ever, you know, I mean, meet any special guys?" She looked at him in surprise.

"You mean besides you?" she asked. Ryoga blushed and looked at his toes. "When I was very small I had a special friend who lived on the next farm over. I think they were regular farmers, because Mommy and Daddy used to buy a lot of food from them, and sometimes his daddy and mine would shout at one another when the pigs got out." She shook her head wryly. "Sometimes, we'd play right under their feet while they were shouting. It didn't matter. He and Daddy were friends. Then we had an earthquake and he didn't come anymore. The farm was sold and the new people… well, they were nice, but it wasn't the same."

Ryoga put an arm around Akari and hugged her comfortingly. Almost everyone born in Japan has lost family or friends to the forces of nature within living memory. "What was his name?" he asked.

"Ryoga, we were children. He called me 'Ari' and I called him 'Kenna'. I don't remember if I was ever told his real name."

Somewhere in Nerima, a colorfully dressed individual sneezed. "Can I take your order, please?" he asked the next customer in a voice pitched high from habit.

Ukyo though nearly thirty meters away, had, with that peculiar sense developed from years of self-sufficiency, known Ryoga was looking at her. She too remembered a certain kiss and blushed again. It was quite annoying. All you had to do was look at the way Akari leaned into him, and the fact he didn't pull away blushing, and you knew this man was taken. She held no illusions that he felt anything for her, aside from the weird friendship that most of Ranma's friends and rivals developed about one another. It wasn't like they had shared that much over the past year. Well there was that onsen race… and Ranma and Akane had thought they were an item at the Cave of Lost Love. Then there was the time…

She blushed, thinking about that kiss again. As she poured the last of the batter on the grill, she looked around, only to discover that there were no more customers. Oh, well. She had gotten her own lunch in a lull earlier; now what to do with a large okonomiyaki? She threw on some toppings she knew wouldn't keep on a warm day, gave it a flourish and wandered over toward her rescuer while she waited for her grill to cool.

"Hey, Ryoga, Akari…"

"Uh… Hi, Ukyo."

"Ukyo-sama." Akari sketched a bow. Something about Ukyo made her nervous, but she didn't know what. She thought she was quite nice and Katsunishiki, whom she trusted to warn her of threats, seemed to like her, too.

"I had some batter left over and some toppings, not pork. Want a free 'yaki?"

"Um… No thanks, Ukyo; Akari made a huge lunch for me," Ryoga said.

"Thank you, no, Ukyo-sama, I ate too much already." Akari blushed. Ukyo was so nice. It was a shame about Ranma.

Katsunishiki snuffled and bumped against Ukyo's legs hopefully.

"Oh, ho!" laughed the 'yaki chef. "I have a customer." She glanced smiling at Akari. "May I?"

"Oh, dear," Akari giggled, embarrassed. "He's such a… well, he is a pig. If you don't mind?"

"I always enjoy watching someone enjoy good food." The huge sumo pig managed her treat in three bites. "Wow! Ranma has some competition!" They all laughed at that. "You know, Ryoga, I want to apologize," Ukyo said as the pig snuffled in the grass for crumbs. "I used to really lay into you about being a directionless jerk." Akari gasped, shocked. Ukyo bowed to her as well. "Sorry, but I did. I guess it is true; you gotta walk a mile in the other guys shoes an' all." She grinned and cocked her head back toward Akari. "You got one of the best, girl. Better hang on tight." She flipped her ponytail and walked away to stow her equipment for later.

"I will," Akari said to Ukyo's back. "I will."

And in the middle of the first class after lunch...

"I don't often do this, you understand, but I do apologize," offered the Black Rose, now of Furinkan High.

Shampoo just laid her head flat on her desk, ignoring calculus in lieu of damage control. "Ranma?" she croaked, temples throbbing.

"What, Shampoo?" he whispered over his shoulder.

"Not know high school so dangerous. Be more careful next time."

"I have some aspirin," offered Akane, taking pity.

The last class of the day was chemistry.

The instructor looked over the five newcomers and grumbling, set up two more equipment stations in the lab.

"We're working with partners here, students." He glanced over to where Shampoo was whispering to Kodachi about that animé. "Miss Pu? Since you seem to get along with Miss Kuno, you are now her lab partner."

"But…" Shampoo and Kodachi both protested at once, looking Ranma's way.

"This is my partner," called out Ukyo, latching onto a male arm. She did notwant paired with Akane. She blushed to her toes. Her actions had surprised even her. 'I am not chasing Ranma, I am notchasing Ranma…' she chanted. 'I can't believe I reached out and grabbed…' She looked up at 'Ranma'.

"Ryoga?"

"Very well, then Miss Tendo will pair up with Mr. Saotome."

Akane ground her teeth and sighed. It really didn't matter who she was paired up with, but it was ironic that she'd be paired with Ranma only when it really wasn't Ranma.

"Oh, hell!" muttered Barry. "What was I thinkin'?"

"What is it, Ba—…ka," she finished after a false start.

"Never mind."

"Tell me, Barry-baka," she whispered. "And stop playing Ra— …you know! I don't need this," she added more introspectively.

"Sorry, Akane," he replied mournfully. "I just realized. This is Chemistry!"

"Well, duh-uh!" she growled. "What did you think it was?"

"You don't understand. I stink at Chemistry." His voice was clearly audible to the tables immediately around them.

"So?" she said louder and with an edge. Unnoticed by them, the other students were taking cover. Even Shampoo noticed and slid off her chair with a groan.

"So," he growled, irritated by her lack of comprehension, "Chemistry is like cookin', tomboy! Ya think yer up to it?"

(BAM!)

Barry exited the lab rather more quickly than he had entered it.

Akane ignored him as they walked toward the Nekohanten after school. Shampoo had followed Kodachi home with the invitation to see some of the latest releases of their newfound, common interest: 'Sailor Moon'. Akane would have died rather than admit it, but she would have killed to see the tapes herself. Between Ranma's absence, Barry's gaff in chemistry and the deprivation of her one entertainment interest, she was definitely in a bad mood.

When Mousse met them at the door, he immediately attacked 'that vile Saotome'. Actually, he attacked Akane; but since he wasn't wearing his glasses and Akane was pissed and needed to work out some frustration, and Barry wanted some privacy to talk to Cologne, they let him keep his illusions.

"Granny?" Barry poked his head into the kitchen. Cologne turned, her eyebrows quirking up as she followed the sounds of combat outside.

"Hello, son-in-law."

"Hey, Granny, what's the business with Shampoo usin' a love potion on the first day of school? I mean, isn't that like poachin' or something?"

"Now, now, all's fair in love and war, son-in-law," she graveled, chuckling at him. "And Amazon love often qualifies as war."

"Well, tell Shampoo when she gets back to watch out for guerrilla action from Kodachi's corner, okay? She's not tough like Shampoo, but she's probably as sneaky as you are." Cologne frowned.

"She's not with you? Then who is playing with Mousse?"

"Akane needed a little workout and I can't really imitate his style, so…"

"So. She's that much better from your little trip and Mousse isn't wearing his glasses again." She sighed, looking old. "She's planning on challenging Shampoo soon, as well?"

"I'd rather she didn't." Barry looked at the little mummy and tried to tie the conflicting feelings Ranma had for the Matriarch together. "But I'm not here about that. This is… Amazon business. And it's about somethin' I found out about Shampoo while on the rescue mission. I meant to tell ya when we got in the other night, but…"

Cologne held up a tiny hand. "Matters about Amazon women and Amazon business are not discussed with men, son-in-law."

(Sploosh!)

Barry put down the glass and smirked, tossing back her damp red bangs. "You was sayin'?"

"You're still a man, Ranma."

Barry flashed a Ranma-smile. "I could hug you for sayin' so, Granny, but that ain't gonna stop me from talkin'."

"Oh, very well." They both winced at a loud crash that shook the building.

"Anyway, I know about Shampoo's… condition."

"Condition?" Cologne shifted uneasily. "What condition?"

"Oh c'mon, Granny," Barry challenged. "Ya mean with a century or two experience on me, ya haven't a clue what's wrong with yer granddaughter?"

Cologne paled. Had that silly girl gone and… But Mousse would have been acting… Was there someone else and…

"She admitted it while we were chasin' Ukyo."

"She did?" Cologne boggled. Shampoo admitting to that? Still, if Ranma had suspected, the boy could be devilishly persuasive when he wanted to be. "How long…"

"How should I know?" Barry grumped. Cologne was acting like the end of the world was nigh. Weird! "But the more I thought about it, the madder I got!" she shrilled. This time they both ignored the yells and impacts, as the fight outside carried over the roof of the Nekohanten. "If this is some kind of Amazon training… Well, I think it just sucks!"

"But, but, but…" Training? What were they talking about here? "Stop!" Cologne held up her hand again. "I think we're talking at cross purposes and if I find out you did this deliberately, you scamp, I swear I'll curse you with jock-itch till you agree to marry Shampoo."

Barry subsided confused and replayed the conversation internally. With a long braying snort, she faced Cologne with a manic, I-can't-believe-you-thought-that expression. Cologne must have thought Shampoo had gotten pregnant!

"Sorry (heh!), honored Elder." Body shaking and hissing with snickers, Barry waited for Cologne's next move.

"Are you through?" Cologne asked exasperated. The sounds outside had subsided. "Now what is this really about?"

"I was showin' Akane some beginning ki stuff and Shampoo looked… Well, I offered ta show her too, an' she told me that you had told her she couldn't do the ki fighting techniques like Ryoga an' I use."

Cologne sighed. "She really shouldn't have…"

"That's beside the point." Barry hurried on, wanting to finish before Shampoo returned or Akane dragged duck-boy in. "On the way back, I was checkin' things out with a new technique I've got — I call it ki-vision — and I saw why Shampoo can't do the techniques. She's got a block all across that part of her aura. I woulda said somethin' then, but I thought it might be some Amazon trainin' thing to make her use her martial arts skills…" She wound down as she saw Cologne pale even worse than when she suspected Shampoo of fooling around. "But I guess not," she trailed off lamely.

"A block? Assuming that what you detected is real… How could this have happened?" the little Matriarch whispered. "Yes… and her sisters, too…"

Barry heard the front door open and shut. She looked out to see a customer looking around. Barry scratched her head. The old ghoul was really out of it. She hadn't budged from where she was mumbling over Barry's revelation. Sighing, she decided to fill in the gap left by Mousse and Shampoo's absence and Cologne's inner turmoil.

"Nekohanten! Can I help you?"

The older gentleman smiled at the pretty redhead before him. His smile broadened as he recalled she had worked here before almost two years ago. Ranma's memories remembered him as a nice, non-hentai, salary man who liked Cantonese Duck and green tea. She got him water, tableware and the tea and then waited for the order.

"I doubt if you remember, but I rather like the Cantonese Duck…"

Akane and Shampoo chose that moment to stomp in shouting insults at one another, nose to nose. Akane was snarling something in Japanese about Mousse attacking her and Shampoo was shrieking something back in Chinese that didn't sound too complimentary. Apparently, at some point during or just after Akane's fight with Mousse, Shampoo turned up and had not been happy about Akane playing with Mousse. Shampoo was carrying the bemused and unresisting Master of Hidden Weapons under an arm. As she reached the table Barry stood beside, she plopped the 'ducked' boy on the table and turned back to Akane.

"Um…" Barry tried to interrupt, but was ignored. She swallowed. This nice old guy apparently didn't have a clue that a major military action was about to commence. He stared at the duck before him with a peculiar expression on his face.

(BANG!) Something exploded at floor level between the two girls, causing them to scream and jump apart. Barry turned toward the kitchen to see Cologne looking out impassively, a string of firecrackers in one hand.

"It's not a Happodarikin; but then, it was short notice," she said blandly. The girls blinked at her, turned and looked at one another and began to frown again. The next interruption was even less expected.

"Excuse me," the salary man interjected timidly. "I think this duck is a bit raw."

Shampoo suddenly giggled. "You no know how true words you say!"

Barry relaxed with a sigh of relief as Akane joined in. Laughter was definitely preferable to the alternative. Suddenly a thought transfixed her.

"Akane! Tell me ya didn't… Ya didn't beat…" If she had a brain in her head she would've thought of this earlier. Damn!

"I haven't had to deal with these people for the last two years without learning something, Ranma!" Akane giggled. "Mousse knocked the cap off of a fire hydrant. The only thing I did was spend fifteen hundred yen to buy him off the poultry man who caught him."

"Poor Mousse!" Barry agreed. "Where's his clothes?"

"Down a storm drain, I think."

"Then he's raw, all right."

"Maybe we say Akane beat Mousse," offered Shampoo gliding up. "Ranma beat Shampoo, we have double wedding, everyone happy."

"In your dreams," Akane mocked, "meatball-head." Shampoo purpled again, then laughed wickedly.

"You jealous because Akane look like Mercury-girl but no can swim!" As Akane reddened, Shampoo added, "I no know hammer-sensei, but…"

"I am not!" Akane wailed.

"Shampoo," Cologne barked. "Order up!" A plate and bowl came sailing, to be deftly caught by the Amazon and served to the customer. The matriarch pogo-ed over and smiled ingratiatingly at him. "Please forgive the noise and confusion… Consider your meal to be on the house."

"That's quite all right." The salary man looked over his meal approvingly. "I have three daughters at home myself. Between them and their friends…" He shuddered and dug in.

"Shampoo. Kitchen." Cologne turned to Akane who glowered. "Dear, why don't you go up to the family quarters? There's a small TV there and I think it's about time for that show you girls were talking about. I need to talk with Ranma for a few more minutes."

"Thank you, Cologne," Akane said. She hesitated at the door and looked pointedly at the redhead. "Don't surprise me, baka."

Barry shrugged. "I'll try not ta; but you know me…"

Shampoo glanced at the direction Akane was going, then at the clock on the wall. Her brows suddenly furrowed in dismay. Running to the foot of the steps she called up after Akane.

"Perv… Akane tape show? Use one have green sticky-dot on side. Is already cued. Can do?"

"It would be nice to get a please for something like this," Akane's voice echoed down the stairwell.

"Amazon no say 'please'. Just see need and do," Shampoo explained.

"Oh… In that case, of course."

"Oh, dear…" Cologne muttered as she glanced Shampoo's way and shook her head.

"What's wrong, Granny?"

"Nothing to do with you, Ranma." She shook herself again and turned to the redhead. Shampoo glided over to stand beside Cologne. They turned back to the stairwell as a sudden commotion shook the building again. Faintly, an irate Akane could be heard.

"I am not Shampoo, Mousse! Wear your glasses!"

This was followed by a series of thumps and Mousse appeared, making familiar contact between each step and his backside on the way down. He stood, trying to recover his dignity and wishing the stairs had been carpeted.

"Jeez, Mousse! When ya gonna learn. Girls don't like bein' grabbed like that."

"Ranma Saotome!" Mousse seemed to struggle with a bad taste in his mouth. "Do you have any idea how I felt when I finally realized I was fighting Akane Tendo?" He snarled. "I have no desire to be dealt the same card as yourself, Saotome. Had I been defeated, honor would have required I marry Akane. Between her cooking and that mallet, I wouldn't last a month!" he screamed, grabbing Barry by the shoulders.

"Mallet, bonbori, what's the difference? Akane knew better, Mousse," she replied, grimacing at his grip. "An' watch where ya got yer thumbs, huh?" Mousse jerked his hands away in time to be sent to the floor by an iron pan with some English to it. Shampoo tossed the dented pan aside and sighed.

"If being pervert, Mousse, do with real girl, okay?"

"Are you offering" he asked dazedly. (WACK!)

"Mousse, don't forget your place," Cologne drew back her staff and sighed. "In fact, watch the restaurant while I speak with Ranma and Shampoo here."

Grumbling, yet unwilling to take more damage, Mousse retreated.

Cologne turned to Shampoo and laid a hand on her arm. "I'm afraid that if what Ranma told me is correct, I have failed you terribly, child." Shampoo blinked and darted a look at Ranma. "Failed you and quite probably your sisters, as well," the matriarch added.

"How you fail Shampoo?" Shampoo then switched back to the language native to her village. ""You have raised me like your own daughter, great-grandmother. I cannot see how you could ever fail me.""

""A mother is the protector of her children until they can defend themselves,"" Cologne said. ""You told Ranma of your lack in using ki and Ranma was not satisfied to hear it. He looked within and says he found that the lack was a blockage forced on you, not the fault of your birth.""

Shampoo stepped away, a hand to her mouth in shock. Trembling, she looked to Ranma. "Is… is true?"

"If yer talkin' about yer ki-block? Yeah, it's there all right. I didn't tell ya cause I wanted ta talk ta Granny 'bout it first." Shampoo still trembled, but she started to get red in the face. "Uh, you okay, Shampoo?" Her eyes suddenly dropped to her toes and the trembling grew worse. "Shampoo?"

She suddenly straightened and gave an inarticulate screech toward the ceiling. ""Evil Magician! Shampoo will find you and make you pay!"" she screamed again. "Magician, you I kill!"

There was a clatter from the kitchen and a thump from upstairs. Akane and Mousse appeared almost simultaneously, ready for action.

"What's going on?"

"Shampoo! If Saotome's harmed you, I'll…"

"I ain't harmed nobody!" Barry replied, disgusted at being the object of suspicion. "I'm just tryin' ta help, dammit!"

"Akane! You remember Shampoo say about ki?"

"You, um… can't do it?" Akane replied slowly.

"Ranma find some evil person make Shampoo this way! When Shampoo find evil one… grrr!"

Akane looked appalled. She turned and grabbed the red-haired girl by the throat. "You are going to help her." It wasn't a question.

"Gaak! Sure, Akane!" she choked. "S'not like I have… (wheeze) …anythin' better ta do. Lego already!" Akane released her like a hot poker.

"Better to do?" she murmured eyes going large and moist as her face paled. "Ranma…"

"Hey! Yer right, Akane," Barry said to cover a possible gaff and trying to play Ranma to the hilt. "It is our duty as martial artists, after all." 'How the hell am I gonna turn this to our advantage anyway?' he thought. 'Honor can be awfully inconvenient, sometimes.'