A/N: Alright! I finally updated! Whew! It's been like a month ^__^;; Sorry 'bout that. I've been lazy. . Here's chapter 9. May this fic give you laughter! ^_~
~~~Upstairs and Downstairs~~~
Quatre paced back and forth on the kitchen tiles. He twiddled his hands in front of his chest, focusing only on his dancing fingers. Quatre's shoes squeaked to a halt.
"Are you sure I can't do anything to help you?" he solicited with puppy dog eyes.
Wufei sighed. "Alright, alright. If you're that bored, then I guess you can stir this." He took a step back away from the sizzling stove.
Quatre accepted Wufei's invitation and proceeded to mix the concoction. "I wonder what's taking the girls so long to return with Heero and Duo," he asked to break the silence.
"They're probably on their way here as we speak," Trowa stated from the kitchen table.
"I pray they're not," Wufei added with his arms crossed. "For the first time in a long time, it's been quiet and peaceful around here."
Quatre shook his head. "I'm sure you'd miss them all after a while, Wufei."
"Yeah," he scoffed. "In sixty years when I'm old and deaf."
Trowa managed a soft chuckle at the thought of Duo in a wheel chair chasing Wufei with a walker at a retirement home. "There's something I'd like to see…"
"What was that, Barton?"
"Nothing," he replied with a cool head.
*~*~*~*
Hilde and Relena barged through the massive doors of the Winner Mansion with the babies in their arms. Duo was still trying to shake the sand out of his braid, while Heero shifted uncomfortably in his moist diaper. The girls stepped into the living room and collapsed into the love seat sofa.
Duo sprawled out on Hilde's lap and wiggled his toes. Then for some strange reason, the fidgeting creatures enticed him. He firmly grasped his foot and in a slapdash fashion shoved them into his mouth.
Heero remained confined, mostly because Relena glued herself to Heero, forever embracing him in a snuggly hug. He glanced at Duo only to quickly turn away in disgust. 'How could he do such an idiotic thing? It's pathetic…' During these thoughts, he involuntarily inserted his thumb into his mouth.
All the while, Relena silently squealed at Heero's abnormal and cutesy behavior, while Hilde was cursing herself for not buying a camera.
"Oh, hello, ladies," Quatre smiled as he poked his head from around the corner.
"Hello," Relena and Hilde greeted in unison.
Quatre strode through the living room and parked himself in the armchair in front of them. As soon as he saw the infants, Quatre rubbed his eyes to make sure that they weren't playing tricks on him. It was no trick: Duo was definitely eating his foot and Heero was indeed sucking on his thumb. Quatre knelt down to their eye level.
"Hello," he smiled with a hidden smirk.
The boys finally realized the contents that occupied their mouths. [O.o] Heero quickly swiped his thumb out of his mouth while Duo immediately ushered his foot out of his. Their faces (especially Heero's) flushed crimson.
Quatre eased their embarrassment and changed the subject. "So, how was the trip to the park?"
"It was… interesting," Hilde spoke up after a round of snickering.
"Yeah, it was interesting. Heero had an accident," Duo grinned as he wiped the drool from his mouth.
Heero jerked his head and gave him a death glare. Duo just sat innocently, totally immune to Heero's trademark.
"Well, that's good," Quatre responded and proceeded with curiosity. "Did Heero and Duo have fun?"
"I'd say they had… some exciting moments," Relena answered after pinching Heero's cheeks.
"Yeah, we had some exciting moments, but Heero got a little too excited at one point." Duo snickered and received another death glare combined with a shallow growl from Heero.
"So, where are Trowa and Wufei?" Hilde implied while wiping the slobber off from Duo's foot.
Quatre answered, "They're in the kitchen. Wufei insisted on preparing dinner."
"Really? That was nice of him."
"Well actually, he said that he wanted to show us what a 'real' meal tastes like."
"Sure, that works too," Hilde sweat-dropped.
Relena rolled her eyes. "So, what's he cooking?"
"Lo Mein," Quatre slowly pronounced. Wufei had made sure that he wouldn't butcher the Chinese language. "He said it's chicken, shrimp, beef, and pork, stir-fried with noodles."
A trail of saliva oozed down from the cracks of Duo's mouth followed by the low growl from Heero's stomach.
"That sounds delicious!" Hilde declared. "I've been craving Chinese food lately." She stood up and handed Duo over to Quatre. "I'm going to go watch how he makes it. Maybe he could show me an ancient oriental technique and give me some recipes!" She beam and waltzed away.
"Wait for me, Hilde!" Relena plopped Heero into Quatre's lap and pranced after her frantic friend.
Quatre sat momentarily stunned as he gawked at the infants in his lap. Then it finally dawned on him, "Wait, ladies! Wufei won't like that!" Quatre swiftly scooped up the babies, set them on the sofa, and darted after Hilde and Relena.
Heero and Duo shared an awkward silence for a moment or two.
"…"
"…"
"Did Quatre just ditch us?" Duo implied casually.
"Hn…"
"…"
"…"
"Are you thinking what I'm thing, Heero?"
"Hn…"
*~*~*~*
"My answer is NO!" Wufei roared.
"But, WHY?!" Hilde beseeched.
Relena stepped between the two to provide a temporary boundary. "We just want to know your recipe, Wufei. That's all!"
Quatre had tried to warn them, but girls on mission are hard to persuade. He gave up on the argue ten minutes ago and remained quiet on the sidelines with Trowa.
Pilot 03 was pretty wise. He gave a new definition to "silent as the dead" and let the girls quarrel with Wufei.
"I'm not going to give away my recipe so easily!"
By this time, Relena submitted to Wufei's stern answer, but Hilde was still persistent.
"Well, I'm not going to give up so easily!"
"Injustice!" A large vein popped out of his forehead. "Baka onna… You remind me of the braided baka!" Wufei's expression suddenly appeared startled. "…Where is Maxwell?"
The girls looked at Quatre's empty hands and the room became soundless. All at once, everybody stampeded out of the kitchen and into the living room. As they all had feared… Heero and Duo were nowhere to be found.
*~*~*~*
Heero led the way on his hands and knees with Duo close behind him. They traveled a great distance away from the living room and ventured through many hallways, rooms, and dead ends. Throughout their little escapade, Heero was soundless, but Duo continued to babble on and on about random stuff. Whether it was the funny looking vase on the funny looking shelf, or the constant "I spy with my little eye…" game. But what really annoyed Heero the most was the fact that Duo—who rarely looked where he was going—would occasionally head-butt Heero's butt. Every collision, would unpleasantly remind Heero of his soggy diaper.
"Will you stop that," Heero growled and snapped his head around and faced him nose to nose.
"…Stop what?" Duo replied with a sheepish smile.
Not letting his emotions get the better of him, Heero retorted in a slow monotone voice. "Just watch where you're going and keep quite. Everyone knows we're gone, and are probably searching for us as we speak." He faced forward and proceeded crawling away.
Duo shrugged and followed after him. "Don't worry, Heero. I'll shut up and watch where I'm—OOF!" Will Duo ever learn?
The terrible, disgusting, repulsive, squishy, and squashy feeling returned to Heero's sensitive skin. His shoulders shuddered from the feel of the urine-infested diaper. Frustration overcame him and a raging fire flickered wildly in Heero's eyes. He fiercely turned around and got right in Duo's face.
"Don't… do… that… again," Heero snarled through his bared teeth.
Duo swallowed hard and nodded.
*~*~*~*
"I can't believe you lost them!" Hilde shook her fist in Quatre's face.
Quatre waved his hands in protest. "It wasn't my intention, Hilde. I would never lose them on purpose!"
Relena had already started to search for her "darling Heero". Every so often, a flash of Relena streaked by the living room.
Trowa and Wufei were in no hurry to locate the downsized teens. They knew very well whom they were dealing with: the Perfect Soldier and the Stealth Pilot. It was going to take a while to find them…
*~*~*~*
"Whoa…" Duo stared up the elongated staircase. "Things sure look big and tall from a baby's POV."
"C'mon, let's go," Heero crawled away from the steps.
"Wait, let's go upstairs, Heero!"
Heero shook his head. "If we go upstairs, then we'll have no way of escaping if necessary."
"Well, sure… there's that. But, it'll be an adventure!" Duo's eyes sparkled.
Heero wasn't amused. "Do what you want, but I'm not going upstairs." He crawled away without waiting for Duo to respond.
Duo crossed his arms. "Alright, fine. I'll just go alone."
*~*~*~*
Hilde and Relena continued their investigation. They searched high and low, in front of this, and behind that. Each attempt came up empty handed.
Quatre, Wufei, and Trowa looked around for Heero and Duo… sometimes. Whenever one of the girls passed by, each of them bolted into action and hunted for them in every nook and cranny, but as soon as Hilde or Relena left the scene, they immediately stopped and slumped back into their seats.
*~*~*~*
Duo once again stared up the long stairway. The more he stared, the longer and higher it seemed. Duo beamed at the challenge ahead of him and began to climb.
The first step was the most difficult. Duo slowly placed his right hand on the first step, then positioned his left hand next to his right. …Halfway up the first step… His right knee rose higher and higher until it finally arrived onto the step with an unpleasant stretch. …One more leg to go… Duo bent his arms in a push-up position and shifted his weight from his left leg to his upper body. Within thirty-seven seconds, Duo had managed to pull himself up onto the first step.
"One down, ninety-nine to go…" Duo groaned.
*~*~*~*
Heero let a smirk escape his lips. No more annoying conversations, no more "I spy" games, no more head-butts, and best of all no more Duo. Ah, peace and quiet, until…
"Heeeeerrroooo! Where are you?! HEEEEEERRROOOOO!!!!!"
'Relena?!' Heero frantically looked around the large library for somewhere to hide. He scurried over to a small antique bookcase and squeezed through the tiny crevice located behind it and held his breath.
As Relena randomly approached Heero's bookcase, she scanned between and behind each book on each shelf. Unsuccessful, Relena got on her hands and knees and waddled under the end table next to it.
Hilde entered the room and knelt next to her.
"Any sign of them?" she asked.
Relena sighed with frustration. "There's no trace of them anywhere!"
"Don't worry, Relena. We'll find them." Hilde paused, deep in thought. "I'll go check upstairs, ok?"
"Ok. I'll stay downstairs and keep looking."
Heero cursed to himself under his breath. 'I should've gone upstairs…'
Hilde vacated the room, while Relena kept searching. For the time being, Heero was trapped in a tight spot between the bookcase, the wall, and Relena.
*~*~*~*
"Man! Those stairs never ended!" Duo panted as he slouched over the last step. He peered through his long bangs and watched a bead of sweat trickle down and land on the floor.
Duo's ears perked up as a new noise arose. The step underneath him vibrated with each bonk… bonk… bonk. His head zipped around causing his braid to swoosh behind him.
'Hilde?!'
Luckily, she was looking down at her feet as she ascended the staircase and was unaware of him.
Duo dashed up the last step and frantically hunted for a hiding spot. Hilde was drawing closer and closer, and Duo was clueless and confused. A sign of hope appeared to him in the shape of a heavy door slightly ajar. Duo scampered inside the shadowy room and concealed himself behind the door. He kept watch and held his breath as Hilde's shadow gradually passed by.
*~*~*~*
"I FOUND HIM! I FOUND HIM!!" Relena screeched.
Trowa, Wufei, and Quatre jumped from their seats. And to startle them even more, Relena came parading through the living room with Prune-Face-Heero in her arms.
"I found Heero!!" Her face gleamed as she shoved Heero into their faces.
Heero scowled.
The guys were completely baffled. How could the Perfect Soldier be discovered so easily by… Relena?
"Where did you find him?" Quatre asked.
Relena squeezed Heero briefly, and sat down on the crouch next to Trowa. "Well, I walked out of the library feeling utterly upset and unsuccessful when all of the sudden, I heard a loud crash. I quickly turned around and saw that one of the bookcases had fallen over with all its books scattered everywhere." Relena paused dramatically and ran her fingers through Heero's hair. "And who do you think I found buried under the books?" She couldn't contain the smile that slowly crept on her face.
"Let me guess…" Wufei added sarcastically.
Relena cut him off and answered her own question. "Mr. Heero Yuy, himself!"
Wufei rolled his eyes. "Foolish onna…" he mumbled.
Heero squirmed in Relena's grasp. It was his fault for being caught in the first place. If he hadn't tried to wiggle free from the tight crevice so quickly, then he wouldn't have knocked over the bookcase.
*~*~*~*
Fifteen minutes passed, and there was still no sign of Duo. At Hilde's desperate request, Trowa assisted with the hunt; he looked downstairs and Hilde searched upstairs.
Relena assembled herself on a comfy armchair with Heero in her lap—of course. She played with his hair, his toes, his fingers, and even poked his plushy belly.
Heero kept still, scowling and cursing. 'If I only had my gun right now…'
Quatre gracefully set the table as Wufei laid out the food. Trowa entered the dining room and leaned against the wall.
"Still no trace of him?" Quatre inquired as he folded the napkins.
Trowa inhaled the scent of Chinese food and exhaled deeply. "No."
At that exact moment, Hilde's voice thundered from upstairs, "DUO!! What do you think you're doing!?!"
Everyone quickly dropped what they were doing and bolted to the base of the stairs.
Quatre hollered up the steps. "Is everything alright, Hilde?"
Hilde emerged from the top of the staircase and stomped down to meet them, while holding Duo loosely in the crook of her arm. His arms and legs dangled and wobbled, and his eyes were slightly red and crossed. Food crumbs littered all around his grinning and giggling mouth.
"So… where was he?" Relena edgily asked. "And why is he… like that?"
Hilde narrowed her eyes at Duo. "He was hiding behind the bar, drinking sake and eating bread!"
Duo chuckled sheepishly as the others sweat-dropped.
"You have a bar?" Wufei raised a brow as he addressed Quatre.
"It's not for me," he eagerly defended. "It was built for the Maguanac Corp."
Trowa nodded. "That makes sense."
Hilde sighed and rubbed her forehead. "Let's just eat."
"Good idea," each nodded.
"Well, Duo already ate his dinner," Hilde glared at you-know-who. "Has Heero eaten anything yet?" She faced Relena.
Relena took a seat at the dining room table. "Actually, I was planning on feeding him after dinner."
Hilde paused to gaze at the delicious meal on the fancy table. "Ok, that's fine; Heero can wait. But until then, where can we put these two while we eat?"
"How about an icy, cold prison cell with and unreasonably small amount of breathing space," Wufei mumbled under his breath.
Quatre elbowed him gently and cleared his throat. "I'll go find something to place them in," Quatre kindly offered. Within minutes, he returned carrying a tall and moderately large, blue laundry bin with tiny, eye-sized holes scattered throughout its surface. As a bonus, Quatre graciously stuffed the flooring with pillows.
"This will do just nicely. Thank you, Quatre!" Hilde placed the laundry bin on the floor near the table and carefully dumped Duo and Heero inside.
Duo immediately latched onto Heero with a big hug. "Hiya, Hee-man!" he slurred.
Heero gave him a fair warning: "Get off me."
"But *hic* you're sho comfy and warm."
Not in a touchy-feely mood, Heero violently shoved him away. Duo toppled onto his back and giggled.
Duo slowly rose up and swayed back and forth. "Hey, Hee-chan. You should've come *hic* upstairs with me. I had the best sake! The *hic* bread wasn't bad either."
Heero remained silent with his eyes narrowed. "How many bottles of sake did you have?"
"Uh…" Duo stared at the ceiling and let his head hit the pillows. "I losht count after *hic* six."
Heero shook his head in disgust at the drunken baby.
"Don't worry, buddy!" Duo reached into his diaper and pulled out a small bottle of sake. "Look! I saved some for ya!" He asserted the bottle in front of Heero's face with a crooked grin.
"I don't want any." Heero pushed the alcohol away from his face.
"C'mon! It's really good!" Duo took sip for himself before thrusting it back within Heero's personal bubble. "Aren't you hungry?"
Heero was starving. His stomach sent shocks of pain through his body each time it growled. Perhaps a couple of sips would ease his pains until he gets some real food… Heero reached for the bottle and paused in realization. "Did you just pull that bottle out from your dirty diaper?"
"I sure did!" Duo hiccupped.
Heero quickly retracted his hand. "It's not worth it."
Duo shrugged. "More for me!"
A/N: Well, that was a long and weird chapter… Thanks for reading it! ^__^ Please review and let me know what you thought of it! Feel free to submit any ideas. Oh, yeah! This chap. was based off of Karen McCoy's idea. So, thanks!!