"Why didn't you tell me?" Jake whispered in the darkness.

There was no response, just a random sniffle that let him know she had been crying. He took a deep breath and climbed on the bed beside her, rubbing her shoulders as she tensed beneath his touch.

"Jake…"

"How long?"

She sighed.

"I didn't do them, Jake."

"But they were yours?"

Peyton nodded.

"Yeah."

"And you were going to do them…"

"Yeah. Look, it was stupid. Jake, I don't have an excuse, okay? I was weak and I scored some coke and I made a really bad decision to do it but right before I did Amanda walked in and stopped me."

Jake shook his head.

"Is this because of Ellie?"

Peyton shrugged.

"Because of Ellie. Because of everything…because of me."

Her voice was so quiet he could barely hear her.

"I understand", he answered softly.

Peyton buried her face in the pillow.

"You don't understand."

"Babe…"

"Jake, don't say you understand because you don't. You can't. Okay? And I'm not blaming you because I know you care and I know you try but you'll never understand. Hell, I don't even understand it."

"Well, make me understand, Pey. I'm here for you."

"It's too much, Jake. I don't even know how to explain it. It's just so much. Everything is so overwhelming and I'm doing everything I can to keep my head above water but no matter how hard I try, it's like I can't stop drowning."

"What can I do, Peyton? Baby, you have to tell me because I don't know what you want but whatever it is, I am willing to do that to make you better…to make us better."

"I'm okay", she sighed. "I just need a little time to figure some stuff out."

"I'll take some time off work. Maybe we both should", he suggested.

Peyton shook her head.

"Don't be stupid, Jake. This is your first year with the team. You guys are in the most crucial part of the season. There is no way you could just take off…"

"Pey…"

"And I don't want to. I can't. Teaching, as stressful and crazy as it can be…well, I'd go nuts if I didn't have it. I love those kids. They need me as much as I need them."

He nodded.

"Well, maybe you should see someone, you know, like a…"

"You want me to go back to rehab?"

"Peyton, I want you to get help."

"I'll go to some Narcotics Anonymous meetings and stuff and I'm gonna get a sponsor."

"Is that going to be enough?"

"Yes."

"Babe", he treaded carefully. "It's just that we've been down this road before."

"Don't you think I know that?" Peyton all of a sudden snapped. "Jake, I messed up. I made a mistake. It was dumb and it won't happen again. But I need you to trust me…"

"And I need you to trust me, too. Peyton, look, I know you're not perfect. None of us are. We're all human and we all make mistakes. But you and me…we're supposed to be a team. When things get too crazy or life is too much or Ellie just shows up out of the blue on our doorstep…you have to tell me. I know things won't always be easy but whatever you're going through, at least we go through it together."

"I know", she said in a quiet voice.

Jake's voice began to quiver.

"I don't want to lose you. I don't want anything to come between us. You know how much I love you. I'd do anything for you. I'd walk through the fire with you and for you but you have to be honest with me and you have to let me in. You can't shut me out."

"I know", she said again.

"And I can't deal with the drugs, Peyton. Babe, I just can't. They almost ruined you last time, they almost ruined us. And now that Jenny is here…"

"I know, Jake. No more, I promise. I'll start the meetings and get a sponsor first thing tomorrow. And I'll talk to Jenny."

"And Amanda?"

"She really helps me…"

"Peyton!"

"I know you don't like her. And I know you don't want her around but she has really been there for me, Jake. She has really helped me. And I can't ignore that. I know she has to go. I know she can't stay here forever even though sometimes I feel like I want her to."

"The Gillespies are good people."

"I hope so. But Jake why did you do that? Why did you go behind my back?"

"What was I supposed to do?" he asked quietly.

"Come to me. Talk to me. Follow your own advice, maybe. I mean, you say I have to let you in but you have to let me in too, Jake."

"Alright", he nodded. "I love you. Peyton, I love you very, very much. And I love Jenny. And more than anything, I want us to be a family again. We were happy once…do you remember that?"

"I remember", Peyton said softly. "I want that too."

"Then we have to start being there for each other and for Jen. And I'm sorry but I don't want Amanda here anymore."

Peyton wiped a random tear away.

"Why?" she asked tearfully. "I mean, what did she do, Jake? What is so bad that you want her out of here?"

Jake just looked at his wife. Where did he start? And how would Peyton react if she heard the whole truth?

"Pey…"

He looked in her eyes and the words just wouldn't come. She had been through so much lately and had drifted dangerously towards the edge. He didn't know what exactly would be the one thing to send her over it.

"Jake, just talk to me. Tell me."

"It's just too much", he finally found a voice. "All of it. We just can't handle it anymore and she just needs to go, babe. Pure and simple."

Peyton nodded, still crying.

"Okay. I'll reschedule with the Gillespies. I'll check them out and if it's okay, then she'll go. She seems to like them and I think they like her."

"Good."

"Jake…"

"You don't have to say anything, Peyton."

"I know but I want to. I feel like I should. Jake, I do love you and I love Jenny, too. And I am happy. It's not like we have this horrible, miserable life. I just made a mistake. Things overwhelmed me and it got to be too much and I thought I could handle stuff. I want you to know that I'm not going back to the drugs. Sometimes the temptation is there but getting high is not worth losing you. You and Jenny and Brooke and Lucas and Nathan and Haley mean everything to me…but so does Amanda. I love her, too."

"Why?" he asked, looking right at Peyton.

"Because when I see her, I see a part of me…who I used to be and some of even who I am now. It's like looking in the mirror sometimes almost. I identify with her and I love her and I want to help and protect her with everything. Is that so bad?"

Jake shook his head as he swung his long legs over the bed and pulled his wife into his strong and loving embrace.

"No, it's not so bad."

Peyton sighed.

"I guess I'm just afraid. When she leaves, I won't have that bond anymore."

"All that love, all that protection…for God's sake, pass that on to Jenny, Peyton. She's your daughter, our daughter. And she needs both of us, especially you."

"Jenny hates me."

"Jenny is a lost, scared little kid who had to grow up with Nikki as a mother. Look, I know Amanda had it rough and I do feel for her but my main concern is and always will be our family. Peyton, that means you, me and Jenny."

She looked at him for a moment and he kissed her tear stained cheek.

"I'm sorry, Jake", she whispered.

He sighed as he held her close. He was sorry, too.

"It's going to be okay, babe", he whispered. "I promise, Pey. Everything will work out."