This is a very humorous "alternate script" to Titanic written by my best friend, who would like to go by Lumos. I am posting it for him as he does not have an account here on FFN. My friends very much enjoy making fun of me for my obsessive love of Titanic, and Lumos wrote this in jest for me. "Stephanie" in the story is me, by the way.
Disclaimer: Neither Lumos nor I own Titanic.
The Titanic: An Alternate Script
Scene 1: Rose and Jack are stranded in the frozen waters of the Arctic
Jack: Rose! Climb onto this hunk of wood!
Rose: Wait! Where's my pan-seared salmon?
Jack: Don't you get it Rose? There was no dinner party. It was just a ridiculous façade constructed in a vain attempt to distract the foolish from noticing that the ship is sinking!
Rose: So...
She thinks hard
Rose: Does that mean I have to leave a bigger tip?
Jack sighs, rolling eyes
Jack : Forget it Rose. Just grab on to the wood and you can get old and die and have your flashbacks and junk.
There is a pause as Rose struggles over to the hunk of wood, and climbs on
Rose : (panting due to exertion) You know what, Jack?
Jack: (under his breath) With you Rose, there's just no telling. (out loud) Yes, Rose, darling?
Rose: I'm going to leave a smaller tip! I haven't had service this bad since…
Soundtrack begins playing Hymn to the Sea : Rose looks into the distance, lost in memory
Camera pans up and to the right, following Rose's faraway gaze
Scene 2: A fancy dining room, doilies adorn everything, there are at least sixteen forks per person
Rose: (shrieking, rising to her feet) THIS isn't a salad fork!
Record scratch. Started diners wheel around to look at Rose. Scene fades into blackness.
Scene 3: The Arctic waters (again). Close-up of Rose, who is still experiencing a flashback.
Rose blinks slowly, lost in memory
Voice (muted as if far away) : Rose? Rose? Rose?
Voice becomes louder, more agitated
Voice: Rose? Rose! ROSE! DARN IT ROSE! WHAT IS WITH THESE (expletive deleted)ING FLASHBACKS?
Jack is shaking Rose violently
Rose: Wha—?
Jack : Listen to me, Rose. I want you to promise me—
A battered and torn lantern, completely submerged in the icy water with absolutely no power source drifts by. It shines at least as bright as the sun beneath the waves. Perhaps more brightly. Rose watches its progress, fascinated.
Jack slaps Rose across the face.
Jack: Snap out of it, Rose! This is important! I want you to promise me that you'll go on, ok? Hear me? Didja hear me Rose? Will you go on for me? Please? I need you to GO. ON. Okay? Remember that. Remember it Rose! GO ON.
Rose (crying softly) : Okay Jack! I will!
Jack: (very much relieved) Keep that promise Rose! Forever and ever!
Rose: (bewildered) Promise?
A few moments pass in silence. Jack turns blue in the frozen sea, his hair, while still held rigidly in place by a vat of hair cream the size of a blue whale, is covered in frost. He coughs violently, and gags
Rose: Are you okay Jack?
Jack: Well, seeing as I chose to remain here with you on this wretched little plank as opposed to swimming a maximum distance of about three feet and grabbing some new chunk of wreckage from the countless amount strewn about the immediate ocean that came from a ship that was basically made out of chunks of debris…(he trails off). I'm an idiot.
Rose: You really are, Jack. I don't know what I ever saw in you.
Jack: (becoming angry) You were the one that tried to jump off the edge of the freaking boat, you crazy woman.
Jack retches violently, and falls silent, collapsing onto the plank. Rose stares into the distance, once again lost in memories. Scene fades into blackness.
Scene 4 : A rescue ship drifts across the sea, which now has the air of a graveyard. Soundtrack plays "A Promise Kept"
Camera pans to Rose, who is by now also covered in ice, and is blue with cold, although she is oblivious, still staring into the distance
Voice In Background 1 : Is anyone alive out there?
Voice In Background 2 : (raspy) I…am…
Voice In Background 1 : We found another one!
Splashing noises, sounds of man being hoisted into boat
Voice In Background 2 : Praise you! Praise you all!
Voice In Background 1 : Just doing our job, sir. Have a blanket. What class did you say you were in, by the way?
Voice In Background 2 : Uh…they put me in third but…ack!
Sounds of man being shoved overboard. Gunshot.
Voice In Background 1 : (disgusted) Filth. Ah, well. Let's see if we can find any privileged folk alive out here. (shouting) Is anyone alive out there?
Rose: (rasping) Help…
Voice In Background 1 : I said, 'Is anyone alive out there?'
Rose: (shaking Jack) Wake up Jack! Jack, wake up! The boat thingy is here! Jack…(she cries)
Jack: (very much annoyed) Darn it, Rose! You woke me up!
Rose: (beaming) Oh, Jack! You are alive! I assumed that being half-submerged in subzero water would freeze you to death within minutes! Obviously, this is not so!
Jack: Yeah. I was going to swim to that bureau over there, but sadly my hands became bonded to the wood plank. Boy, am I ever wretched!
Rose: We should call the ship, Jack.
Jack: (heavy sarcasm) Wow, Rose. That just might work.
Rose: (rasping) Help…
Voice In Background 1 : (singsong voice) I can't hear you!
Jack: Too bad we are both stricken with pneumonia, and cannot speak above a whisper.
Voice In Background 2 : Oh, geez, it's cold. Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold. I'm not dead, yet, by the way.
Voice in Background 1 : Darn it!
Gunshot. Silence.
Jack: Maybe we'll have better luck with that whistle which is luckily strung around the captain's neck. Go get it Rose!
Rose swims over to the Captain, who is trying in vain to blow the whistle and be rescued himself. Rose doesn't notice this, and rips the whistle off its string. The captain's eyes are filled with panic. He attempts to gesture to Rose, but she does not notice. Rose swims back to Jack.
Rose: Although unable to call for help, I somehow garnered enough energy to obtain a whistle. (brightly) Yay moi!
Rose attempts to blow the whistle. A faint screeching noise ensues.
Rose: Drat! Even though we didn't have enough energy to speak, I was sure that we'd be able to whistle instead!
Rose pauses momentarily, as she has forgotten what she is doing. Rose notices the whistle in her hand, shrugs, and drops it carelessly into the depths below. Jack's eyes widen
Jack: (rasping) NO, ROSE!
He attempts to let go of the plank, is unable.
Jack: (violently trying to free his hands from the plank) Why did you drop the whistle, Rose? That was the only thing standing between us a watery grave!
Rose: (placing one finger on her lips) Oops! Maybe I have something in my purse…!
Jack makes a "why me" gesture towards the sky as Rose paws through her pockets
Rose : (under her breath) Gum…lipstick…priceless diamond… (frowning, to Jack) Oh, drat. Not a single life jacket in sight. Reminds me of that time…
Rose gazes into the distance, lost in memories. Jack makes a "see-what-I-mean?" gesture towards the heavens, and jerks his head towards Rose.
Voice In The Background 1 : (very near) Hallo there!
The boat, unbeknownst to them, has sailed closer and closer through the previous scene
Jack: (rasping) How did you—
Voice (henceforth known as SAILOR) : Find you? hearty laugh. I just followed the trail of money to this young lady over here! Say…he peers at Jack. You don' look very rich to me—reaches smoothly in pocket for gun
Jack : (furiously) Fine! Don't save me! Save Rose! She's the rich one, what with her fiancé's jacket and all!
Rose : (listless) I didn't like that guy much.
Sailor : Righto. Up you go now, ma'am. lifts Rose, who is oblivious, into the boat. The boat begins sailing away Bye now!
Jack: (referring to the Sailor) (expletive deleted).
Voice In Background 2 : (timidly) Please save me?
Sailor: Darn it!
Gunshot
Scene Five : Rose is riding towards home in the rescue boat.
Rose: (to self) It's a good thing I found this toasty warm blanket in my purse! Too bad I didn't find it earlier. Gee. My hair is still wet. Weird. (Pause) Wonder what happened to Jack?
"My Heart Will Go On" begins playing. Rose gazes into the distance, lost in memories. Suddenly, a man covered in seaweed claws his way onto the boat.
Rose: (horrified) My evil fiancé!
Man Covered In Seaweed: Yes! I am your evil fiancé! Ha!
Sailor: You know, I can't let you on here. pause Alive. He pulls out gun again
Evil fiancé pulls random child out of its mother's arms. Mother cries out in alarm. Child bawls.
Evil Fiancé : Look! It is my darling son—
Anguished mother: Daughter.
Evil Fiancé : Whatever.
Sailor: Well, if you have a child, I guess it's ok.
Evil fiancé hurls child back at mother, climbs into boat.
Evil fiancé: Now I have you in my clutches! laughs evilly. And there is nothing you can do ab—
Rose spits into his eye
Evil fiancé: Darn it! (wipes eye, resumes ranting) There is absolutely nothing (Rose gargles, preparing to spit again. Evil fiancé looks alarmed) Nothing—including spitting-that you can do about it! (Rose looks dejected.) When we get back home—
Stephanie leaps from off camera, looking demented and furious. She is wielding a flaming spike-covered sledgehammer.
Stephanie: Die, you vile defiler of romance! Die, die, die, die, DIE! (She beats the(expletive deleted)out of him)
Evil fiancé : (gurgle)
Sailor: Phew!
Stephanie turns to leave. Pauses.
Stephanie: (emitting primal roar of fury) AIEEEE! she leaps towards him, beats him senseless again.
Sailor: Ummm…
Stephanie : (satisfied) Right, then. Now that that's over. (Looking very windswept, albeit extremely pleased, she marches primly offstage)
Rose: Are we there yet?
Sailor: I dunno. Gee, that was some fiancé you had there. (he glances down at the bottom of the boat, grimaces, shudders).
Stephanie: (from above) DIEEEEEEEE!
A high-powered satellite mounted laser cannon fires from above, vaporizing the evil fiancé into his component molecules
Sailor: Erm…
Rose: Heehee. (kicking feet happily) This blanket is toasty!
Scene fades to present time
Scene Six: Old lady surrounded by a bunch of technical types, who are staring at her, stunned.
Old Rose: (drools, staring off into distance)
Tech type 1: Um..lady? You've been staring into space and drooling for the past couple hours? Do you know anything about this Heart of the Sea thing or what?
Tech type 2: Yeah! I thought you were going to tell us a romantic, forbidden, and daring tale about love, status quo, and violent girls wielding satellite mounted laser cannons!
Old Rose: (drools)
Tech type 3: Forget it. She's completely lost her marbles.
Tech type 4: (jokingly) Maybe the old bat's dead! Har!
Awkward pause. Everyone present begins to seriously consider that
Old Rose: Wha—
Tech type 2: Finally!
Old Rose stands stately before them, and an air of mystery fills her voice as she begins reciting.
Old Rose: A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets, an endless pool of mystery, a rushing and untamed waterfall gushing forth gallons of…um…(she dances awkwardly on the spot) Do you guys have a bathroom around here?
Tech Type 3 : (in a tired voice) Down the hall, to the left.
Rose exits. Camera follows. Rose reaches the deck, and searches her pocket
Old Rose: (under her breath) Mints…uh…nope! Hmmm. You're not a mint, are you? (searching deeper) Minty minty mints…oh!
She pulls out the Heart of the Sea, glances nonchalantly at it, shrugs, and hurls it into the sea
Jack: (in the sea beneath the ship) I made it! (the Heart of the Sea hits him squarely in the middle of his forehead, and he is knocked unconscious.)
Old Rose: Hello? Oh well. Now where are those darned mints?
End Credits