Guest Ki: Chapter 34
It Ain't Easy Bein' Green
"Um... Ta-he Sipu! Ta-he healese! Ta-he seconde healese, cu-ri-ed Ay-haba."
"'The ship! The hearse! Thesecond hearse', Hiroshi," Miss Hinako corrected. "Try saying it while sticking your tongue out." She demonstrated on a lollipop, licking it while repeating 'the, the, the'.
Behind Hiroshi, Daisuke said something and snickered. Hiroshi went white then red. Barry didn't hear it, but Ninomiya Hinako apparently did. "Whatever did you mean, Mr. Ryuochii?" Hinako asked Daisuke. "That sounded like something a delinquent might say!" The people in the desks around Daisuke began to edge away. "Maybe you should take a bucket and stand in the hall for a while. If you think of a really, really inventive way to apologize for that remark, maybe I won't ki-drain you." Trembling, Daisuke rose from his seat, staggered over to the door and left to get a bucket. Akane and Barry exchanged quick glances.
"Mr. Chukokumi, you didn't hear what that naughty boy said, did you?" Hinako asked.
"N-n-n-no, ma'am," Hiroshi stuttered.
"Mr. Saotome!" she said sharply. He glanced around wildly.
"Did you hear what Mr. Ryuochii said?" she asked sweetly, flipping her coin.
Barry boggled and looked around for Daisuke. "Was I supposed to?"
Defeated, Hinako returned to her desk. "Continue Hiroshi."
They were almost finished with the tale of Ahab and the white whale. Hiroshi stumbled through Ahab's final moments and left the epilogue to Shampoo who rattled it off with practiced ease.
"Very good, class. I'm proud of you all. Even Mr. Ryuochii did well, before acting like a pervert."
"What did he say, Ranma?" Akane asked in a whisper.
"Whatever it was, Akane, I wouldn't be doing you a service by repeating it," he whispered back. "Those two have been real stupid of late."
At least once a week since Ranma returned to school, Hiroshi and Daisuke had been trying to finagle him into helping them with a 'project'. Barry brushed them off, usually before they finished explaining, since it obviously involved either his girl-type or the other fiancées. He wasn't crazy enough to investigate further, as he really didn't want to hurt them, and didn't want any of the fiancées hauled before a judge for assault.
A good example was the time he had come across them a few days after the incident with the porn flick, groaning away in the weight room of the gym.
"C'mon, Dai, I can take more!"
"I don't know, Hiro, I think you're pushing it."
"What are you clowns doing?" Barry heard their voices and poked his head around the door. Finding Hiroshi and Daisuke exerting themselves was odd enough to attract his attention.
"Oh! Hi, Ranma," Hiroshi said cheerily. Reclined on the bench press, he suddenly lost control of the bar and yelped as it started to drop. Daisuke tried to catch it, but he was not centered properly, and only succeeded in deflecting it. Hiro scrunched up his face in anticipation of some real pain.
And slowly opened his eyes again to see the bar caught by an end in Ranma's strong left hand. The martial artist shifted his grip and placed the barbell back in its cradle on the bench frame. "Thanks, Ranma," he said, a bit shamefaced. 'Ranma picked that up with one hand?' he thought.
Barry nodded absently and checked the weights. "You're starting at forty kilos?" he asked. Daisuke nodded.
"I know it's a little light..."
"Nah! Ya gotta start somewhere," Ranma said to their astonishment. "Watcha doin' besides the weights?"
Barry listened as they stammered through a rough sketch of a nearly useless exercise routine. He looked at them concerned. He remembered a time when he (Barry) had tried much the same, totally unaware that he had a congenital problem that did not let him move as efficiently as other boys his age. The desire to excel needed guidance or it could do permanent damage. He just didn't have the time to do it properly. Another line or two for the book, something that Ranma would need to take note of.
"Well, first off, just what do you want? What do you expect to be able to do when you reach your first set of goals in the training?"
"Impress the girls!" exclaimed Daisuke.
"Look like I've got some muscle," Hiroshi added a bit more realistically.
Barry laughed and looked down. "I meant, what do ya plan on doing with yer muscles? Aside from making every girl who sees ya, pant ta get closer?"
They laughed nervously.
"Swimming? Weightlifting? Track? Gymnastics? Martial arts?"
"Well, um... I don't know, Ranma," Hiroshi began.
"What would impress Shampoo, Ukyo or Akane?" asked Daisuke nonchalantly. Barry gave him a wry look.
"Well, in that case, it would hafta be martial arts. You heard Shampoo the other day. Ta win an Amazon, ya hafta beat the Amazon." He eyed them critically. "You guys have yer work cut out for ya."
"We'll lift more weights!"
"We'll run more laps!"
"You'll kill yerselves," Barry snorted. "Ya need a sensei ta guide yer training."
"Yes, sensei!" they chorused.
"I don't have time for this," Barry growled. "At least, not right now."
"Ranma!" they complained in frustration.
"When will it ever be time?" added Hiroshi.
"I'll tell ya what," Barry said suddenly, hoping to kill two birds with one stone. "Ya hafta prove ya have the dedication to earn my respect. Every morning, before school and every evening before ya go home, I want ya doing laps around the track. Just laps! Now we do four laps in gym; so, the first week, you do four additional laps, morning and afternoon. Each week after that, ya add one lap per week till ya get ta fifteen laps. Now, I want ya ta keep accurate records of how fast ya do each lap, it'll be important to the next phase. Come to me again when you've reached ten laps and I'll show ya what comes next."
"What about weightlifting?" Daisuke asked looking at the equipment.
"C'mon, Dai," Barry had snorted. "Weight-lifters move like walls, man! No flexibility. What girl wants to make love to a brick?" He was taken aback by the vehemence of their response.
"Yes, sensei!" they cheered, totally misunderstanding his point.
"Idiots!" he muttered, though he couldn't help smiling at their enthusiasm. "Ya should be doin' this for yerselves!"
"But we are, Ranma," Daisuke said grinning. "Isn't the drive to impress the opposite sex a very selfish one?" He picked up a squeeze bottle of water and chugged a huge slug of liquid into his mouth.
"You been leafing through National Geographic again, lookin' for the forest chicks, Dai?" Hiroshi jibed. Daisuke lost control of his mouthful of water with predictable results.
"Jeez!" Barry stood there for a moment in disgust, second-hand cold water dripping from the red hair and plastering the shirt against now prominent breasts. She glared at them suspiciously. "If I thought for one minute that you two planned this..."
They laughed very nervously, which hadn't kept them from eyeing certain salient features with appreciative sighs.
"I'm a guy, you morons!" Barry shrilled red-faced, before stalking away.
Gym class might be Ranma's favorite class, but was hardly Barry's. This was due in part to the disconcerting number of times various boys tried to spill, splash or spray cold water on him in the locker room. He finally resorted to physical punishments for such infractions to stop it.
It wasn't so bad once he got out of the locker room. Making Saotome 'go girl' was considered delinquent behavior, so it was avoided where it might be reported back to Hinako. Instead, the athletic tried to show up Ranma during warm-up or pass him on the laps. Ranma usually played rabbit to their greyhounds, keeping just out of reach of their efforts.
This semester, there were two rabbits, as he also ensured Ryoga didn't wander off during the activity. As they finished their totally unnecessary laps, Barry noticed that Hiroshi and Daisuke were up in the front third of the following runners. "Not bad, guys," Barry said slapping them on the shoulders. "If I'm not careful, yer gonna start pushin' me," he joked.
"All right!"
"Yeah!" They had exchanged high-fives.
"Dai! How did ya get away from Hinako?" Barry asked. "I didn't think we'd see ya in gym today."
"I was extremely persuasive," Daisuke said proudly. "I groveled. I screamed. I cried... and I offered her lollipops."
"Crouch of the Wounded Tiger, hmmm?" Barry commented, recalling one of Genma's less spectacular moves.
"You mean I know a martial arts move?"
"All right," interrupted the instructor with a bellow. Mr. Browner was a fit American, built like a wall with a temperament of a flea-infested bandicoot. "Let's get out there and play football." They groaned. Flag football, an American sport imported by the principal, was not on their list of favorite things to do.
"Kogara, you're captain of shirts! Saotome, you're captain of skins!"
"Sensei, you gotta be off yer rocker," Barry protested. "I ain't takin' off my shirt!"
The instructor pointed to the absolutely clear blue sky and smiled. "Shirt off, Saotome! The weather forecast said no precipitation today."
"You know water always manages to find me."
"Shirt off or sit out, Saotome!" Barry muttered, considered what Ranma might do and regretfully took his shirt off. They chose teams.
Kogara chose Ryoga, who grinned slightly at the thought of challenging Barry in a 'friendly' game. Barry looked thoughtful at this and selected a tall, fast youth, Nokoya Kaisoma, who he knew to be good at soccer and might do as a halfback. The pick went back and forth. Barry's team eventually ended up with Hiroshi and Daisuke, as well as Noitomo and Katanari Masanobi, identical twin brothers whose father worked under Mrs. Morisato's husband. Hitoshi Unryu was a third-cousin to Ryoga's Akari. Sato Dokotonabi hoped to be a manga artist someday and dabbled in jujitsu. Hikaru Gosunkugi was the last to be picked and looked the least happy about the game.
"Hey, Ryoga," Kogara said walking over to his new teammate. "Think you can take Saotome in football?"
Ryoga considered the situation. He had information they didn't about Ranma. As he remembered, football was very nearly the national sport in America, so Barry was probably familiar with it, a big advantage when united to Ranma's physical skills. Barry was just as irritating as Ranma sometimes, so it might be good to knock him around a little. Of course, anything overt was out, but you could get in a lot of good-natured roughhousing with the excuse of taking two little bandannas off a belt.
Finally, he shrugged. If Barry thought Ryoga would hold back for some reason, it was just too bad. "I'm pretty sure he knows a bit about football," he began. "He's faster than me, but I'm stronger. We're both faster than anyone else on your team, so I'm the only chance you'll have to stop him."
Kogara bridled a bit at the 'I'm the only chance...' comment, but smiled ingratiatingly and continued, "Now, I understand you have a directional problem."
"That's putting it mildly," Ryoga said bitterly.
"Not to worry."
Barry knew more about the game of football than the others on his team and decided to start out as quarterback on offense. He'd play middle linebacker on defense and try to assess the skills of Kogara's players.
Kogara's team won the coin toss, which suited Barry just fine. He set up his fastest teammates on the far left and had Nokoya kick off the ball, angling it to his right. They buttonholed Kogara's team inside their own twenty-yard line to start off the first set.
Kogara obviously knew something of the sport and had a decent throwing arm. Ryoga centered his line and worked to neutralize rushes by Ranma. After a few significant gains, Barry recognized that Kogara's offense depended on Ryoga neutralizing his rush and otherwise focused on just two of his team.
One, Asuko, was a black belt in karate and acted as the fullback. The other, Himoni, was not a martial artist but was very fast, and played wide receiver. Barry set himself as the middle linebacker and watched how Kogara set those two as the key to his offense. He had Daisuke and Hikaru cover Himoni when he was sent wide. Neither was fast enough to keep up with Himoni in a straight line, but in a staggered field they were fast enough and enough taller to interfere with his reception of Kogara's passes. Anything too short and Barry was there to intercept. When Kogara sent Asuko forward, Barry was in place to take him as soon as he came out from behind Ryoga. They steadily slowed Kogara's advance, till he was halted at mid-field.
The punt deposited the ball in Daisuke's hands, and the thunder and eager aggressive shouts of the advancing team aroused previously untouched depths of self-preservation in his soul. He made it back to mid-field before Himoni took his flags. Barry slapped him on the back. "Nice run, Daisuke! Now ya got an idea what it's like to be chased by hordes of people."
Daisuke suddenly grinned. "That wasn't half bad, Ranma. Is this why you put up with the ninja, monsters, ghosts, demons, kami and fiancées?"
"No," Barry said slowly. "Actually, that is self-preservation. Those guys aren't interested in flags unless they're made outa my hide."
"Oh!"
"Still, it looks like yer on yer way to bein' an adrenaline junkie, just like me," Barry concluded, slapping him on the shoulder again.
Hikaru Gosunkugi stood to one side shivering. They were going on offense now, which meant all sorts of opportunities for pain. At least when he was acting as… whatever it was, there wasn't much opportunity for bodily contact. Now, however…
"Hey, Gos!" He flinched. Ranma was looking at him. Why he got stuck on the same team as the despicable Saotome was beyond him. It wasn't fair! "Gosunkugi, get in the huddle! Okay, guys, here's the plan."
"You run and we'll follow," interrupted Daisuke. Gosunkugi brightened a little. Maybe he could escape pain.
"What fun would that be?" Ranma said, silencing him. "I'm gonna start with a pass. Hiroshi, you run short in an 'L' pattern. About eight steps out and five over."
"A what?" asked Hiroshi.
"An 'L', the roman-ji character? Like this." Barry demonstrated the 'L' on his hand. "Gos, you do the same but go longer, twelve steps out and six over from the opposite side."
"You're planning to throw that thing at me?" Gos said hollowly.
"I'll try to throw gently."
"Gee thanks, Saotome." It was not said sarcastically.
"I'm going to fake a quick hike and see if I can draw someone offside." He explained this idea and got evil grins from the rest of his team. "I'll go 'Hup!' and wait, then 'hup, hup!' and Hitoshi will hike the ball to me. Watch out for Ryoga, he probably knows some of those sumo-pig training moves, so just try to slow him down unless I ask you to do more. Nokoya, help Hitoshi with Ryoga."
They managed to draw Kogara himself offside with the ploy. They used the same pattern for second down and Hiroshi got good yardage before the fast Himoni took his flags. As it was, they were lucky. Ryoga went right through the two defenders like a hot knife and nearly got Barry in the backfield. The next down, Barry changed his plans and put Hiroshi, who had thrown some football with an American cousin, as quarterback and set himself on the line next to Hitoshi.
Together they stopped Ryoga, but Barry saw Kogara dart in on the hesitant Hiroshi. "Watch out!" he bellowed as the kendo captain swiped at a flag.
Hiroshi, suddenly aware of imminent danger rifled the ball long. Gos took it in the breadbasket and went down, dropping the ball in the process, the wind knocked out of him. Barry helped the tall, skinny boy stand as the rest of the team gave him a ribbing for being a wimp.
"Awww, give him a break. He's trying," Barry said. Gosunkugi was shocked again. Ranma was defending him? "Gos?" He stared at his long time nemesis. "When we pass to ya, we'll try to loft it. When ya catch it, run like hell until ya think someone's close, then drop and cover. Just hold on to that ball. Once both knees are on the ground, the ball is considered dead and nobody is allowed to touch ya, okay?"
"Uh… Thanks, Saotome."
Barry did a draw play next, with himself as quarterback. It might have worked if Ryoga had been just one step slower. Ryoga slammed right over him, stripping him of his flags and the ball, before he could hand off to Nokoya.
"Better watch out, Ranma," he said, tossing the ball up and down in one hand, a long-toothed smirk lighting his face. "This might be one you lose." Barry rose, his eyes gleaming.
"Run!" Kogara and Asuko yelled.
"From him?" Ryoga scoffed, turning to them in astonishment. Barry reached over and stripped off his flags. He handed them back to a puzzled Ryoga while his teammates groaned.
"When ya stripped the ball out of my hands, that was a fumble, Ryoga," Barry said smirking just slightly. "You guys now go on offense, but if ya had run, ya might have gotten a touchdown."
"W-what?" Ryoga shrilled. "Oh, hell! I forgot about that rule."
"Take it easy, buddy," Barry laughed. "Ya did get the ball back for yer team. It's up to them to do somethin' with it." Grinding his teeth, Ryoga started to walk to where he thought his team was. Barry caught him in two steps and turned him around. "Lighten up, Ryoga," he hissed. "It's just a game."
"Thanks, Barry," he whispered back. "You better remember that Ranma never treats any competition as 'just a game'."
"Good point," Barry sighed. "I'll try to remember that."
Kogara took advantage of field position and Ryoga's blocking to send both Himoni and Asuko as receivers. It paid off and Kogara smirked at Barry as his team scored and went up by six points. Extra points were handled by a single try from point-blank range to get into the end zone, and Barry tipped the pass just wide of Himoni's fingers.
Barry called a quick huddle before the kickoff. "I want Hiro and Dai to keep no more than two or three steps to the wide side of the field behind me after I catch the ball," he said quietly. "I could probably dodge everyone else, but with Himoni and Ryoga, they've got a good chance of getting me." They nodded, looking worried. "So, especially if Ryoga catches up with me, I'm going to lateral pass it to Daisuke. You're allowed to do that. Hiroshi, you follow Daisuke the same way. The rest of you concentrate on blocking Himoni and keep him away from the action. I'll handle Ryoga after the lateral." They pumped arms and broke the huddle, spreading wide.
Gosunkugi watched Ranma field the ball and begin to run. He ran, too, unthinking of the consequences until Kogara bore down on him with a self-satisfied smirk. Gos yelped and ducked forgetting for the moment that Ranma said that this worked when you were holding the ball. Kogara, thrusting hard with his hands to knock the skinny youth ass-over-teakettle, yelped himself as he met no resistance and tripped over Gos's back, taking them both down.
Barry danced down the field, shifting and twisting from lesser attempts to de-flag him. As he double-faked Asuko, his eyes were on Ryoga and Himoni who danced and moved laterally with him, herding him toward the sideline with Himoni on the outside. The Masanobi twins were suddenly there, blocking Himoni. Seeing his ally in trouble, Ryoga bore in before Barry could take advantage of the opening.
"Go, Dai!" Barry yelled, lateralling the ball to the young man.
Daisuke made tracks as Barry, relieved of the ball, blocked Ryoga away from Ranma's friend. After a moment, he realized that Ryoga was only resisting him, but not really trying to follow Daisuke. Puzzled, he stepped away and looked downfield, where Hiroshi moved across to block Himoni, who had nearly caught up with them, allowing Dai to score.
"What's up, Ryoga?" he asked. "Why didn't ya chase Dai?"
"According to Kogara," the tall broad-shouldered martial artist said, "all he wants me to do is stop you. That way I won't get lost."
"Oh, man, Ryoga! I'm feelin' the bruises already."
The extra point was good since Barry had Hiroshi literally run up his back to leap into the end zone, while Barry blocked Ryoga.
The kickoff was bad. Not just a bad kick, but a comedy of errors as well. A gust of wind tipped the ball slightly as Nokoya kicked it, and it skittered across the turf to bounce right into Ryoga's hands. Ryoga, shocked, looked up to see Barry barreling toward him and took off in a straight line with Barry as the guide. He slammed into Barry, ricocheted off and started toward his own end zone. Himoni caught him and turned him around just in time to run Barry over again. Barry stripped a flag as he went down and moments later, the twins, combined with Hiroshi and Daisuke, slowed him down long enough for Hitoshi Unryu to strip him of the other. By that time, though, Kogara was first-and-goal inside the ten-yard line, and most of Barry's team was nearly incapacitated. Kogara made it in, faking deep to Himoni and passing short to Asuko, who bulled in from the two-yard line before Barry could recover. Barry managed to slip Ryoga's block to prevent the extra point as Kogara tried to run it in.
Less than two minutes remained when Kogara kicked a nice booming shot down the center of the field. Using Ranma's superb reflexes, Barry only lost one flag to the initial rush and managed to cross centerfield before Ryoga and Himoni boxed him in. Their positioning did not allow a lateral and Barry had to settle for first down on the forty-two-yard line with thirty-seconds left.
"One shot, guys," Barry informed them. "Hiro, Dai, Hikaru, go long. If yer open, run like hell after ya catch it."
"Ummm... What about..." Gosunkugi began, nervously.
"Just run like hell, Hikaru. Run like hell."
On the rise above the field, the girl's gym class was returning after volleyball and stopped to watch the football game. Kodachi had seen several games before and was roughly describing the rules. The fiancées were suddenly riveted by a remark from Sayuri concerning Ranma, "Is it wise, all things considered, for Ranma to be without his shirt..."
At that, the entire gym class was focused on the martial artist, commenting on the play of the muscles beneath his skin and giving sidelong glances to the fiancées who had the potential, at least, to enjoy them. Barry's rush up field brought cheers and whistles from the crowd, and inquiries quickly determined that Ranma's team was behind and this was literally the last try.
Barry was too focused to even notice the girls. He checked his receivers, nodded and took the hike, dropping back and to the side to avoid Ryoga's initial rush. A twist avoided Kogara, but Hiro and Dai were in man-to-man coverage with Himoni and Asuko. There was no one to throw to except...
"Hey, Gos!"
Gosunkugi was scurrying down the sidelines, hoping to avoid this whole painful ordeal. He was feeling more than a little guilty. Ranma had been very civil for a change, but he really wasn't an asset in situations like this. He'd go to the end zone like Ranma wanted, then smile when they congratulated Ranma and either Hiroshi or Daisuke for having won the game. Somehow it was unthinkable, even to a sworn rival such as Gosunkugi considered himself to be, that Ranma would not pull this off.
"Hey, Gos!"
He turned hearing his name. He was just in the end zone; thankfully no one was near him. Ranma was dodging around like a cricket on a skillet, one flag gone and yelling... to him? Even as he watched, the pigtailed martial artist's arm went back and snapped forward. The ball arced high in the air, hanging for what seemed like long seconds.
"Hey, Gos! Catch this camera! It's got pictures of Akane from the ramen fight!" The last was sing-songed in a wheedling manner.
That got his full attention. His eyes snapped to Ranma who stumbled away from a late grab at a flag by Kogara. His eyes snapped up and widened as he focused on the odd shaped camera case with those pictures… He couldn't let them hit the ground. The film would be ruined if the case popped open. The spinning object grew steadily larger. His large bony hands reached out, caressing leather as the object slapped into them, and he pulled it protectively into his chest. The impact knocked him to the ground. But he didn't drop it. The world seemed to freeze in silence as he rolled to his side and sat up, the odd case cradled safely in his arms.
"All right, GOS!"
Suddenly, sound crashed back in on Hikaru Gosunkugi, as he was pulled smoothly to his feet, then hoisted in the air. What was going on? His bony form was being carried in triumph on the shoulders of Hiroshi and Daisuke? They let him slide to the ground in front of Ranma, who grinned and gave him a respectful bow as if he, Hikaru Gosunkugi, had done something... right?
"Great catch, Gos," Barry said. The members of both teams crowded around, congratulating the skinny youth. Girls suddenly were part of the crowd; one in particular seemed to glow as she approached Ranma.
"What was that I heard about pictures?" Akane Tendo stood, not one meter from Gosunkugi, her dark eyes flashing dangerously at Saotome.
"Chill out, Akane," Ranma replied smirking. "I was just giving the poor guy some incentive. It worked, too!"
"You claimed that had my pictures!" Akane seemed to swell large in his vision. "Ranma!"
Gosunkugi looked down at the football in his hands and fainted. Then the sprinklers came on.
A short, green-haired, busty, topless girl suddenly faced her classmates, as the sprinklers hissed and drenched everyone on the field. Hiroshi and Daisuke boggled at the new hair color, and water sizzled against the aura Akane was projecting. A low animal growl sounded from the males on the field, still adrenaline charged from the game.
"Ah, ha-ha-ha! Akane, I only mentioned it to help Gos! It's not like nothin' never happened up north!" She began back-pedaling, eyes wide at the possibilities. "Guys! Guys! Just remember, I'm a guy; I'm not a girl, even if I look like one right now." Barry broke and ran. With a howl, the mob was after her. She ran, legs churning, arms pumping, breasts bobbing disarmingly. "C'mon now! Leave me alone, dammit! I'm a martial artist, for Pete's sake!" She zigzagged up and over the rise, passing Kogara, laughing beside the sprinkler controls. A single thrust of an arm bounced him off the wall of the building and into the path of the oncoming mob. Kogara was messily trampled.
Down on the field, Ukyo clucked in irritation and picked up a little black pig and his clothes, while Kodachi retrieved a soggy, pink cat and her clothes.
"Actually, it has been rather quiet of late," commented Kodachi, tucking Shampoo under an arm.
"It coulda stayed quiet, thank you," grumbled Ukyo. A squeal from the pig seemed to agree, 'you said it!' "Let's get these two changed back and get to class."
"That seems a most reasonable course, Kuonji."
Around the perimeter of the school, a green-haired form yelled and complained in its flight, while pursuers, and a growing number of spectators inside the building, yelled suggestions to the leading participants.
Daisuke and Hiroshi were actually close to the front, hauling a kettle between them. "Ranma," they shouted. "Slow down! We've got hot water and your shirt with us!"
"Why the new hair color? Is there something you're not telling your best friends?" added Daisuke.
"Hiro! Dai! Speed up!" she shrilled back. "I got a tomboy chasing me!"
On the third floor, Miss Hinako and Mrs. Morisato exchanged glances. Hinako drew out a fifty-yen coin and readied for their next pass. Mrs. Morisato looked skyward for guidance.
Barry wandered over to Ukyo at lunchtime. The okonomiyaki chef seemed angrier than normal and Barry suspected that it was not because of the incident at gym.
"Hi, Ukyo."
"What is it, baka?"
"Need a shoulder to cry on?" Barry offered. Across the lawn, Ryoga sat with a dark-haired girl and a huge pig. Ukyo froze for a second, glanced over at Ryoga and then glared at Barry.
"Not yours," she said flatly. She flipped a 'yaki and swept her arm across to dazzle it with sauce, then seemed to shrug, lightning movements floating it onto a plate. "Kusinaro, your order's done!" She flipped another okonomiyaki on her grill and let it cook while she readied some more batter.
Barry took in the extra-large circle of batter beginning to sizzle and felt his taste buds grab him by the throat. "Um, who's that one for?" he asked plaintively. His stomach growled.
"The pig."
Barry frowned. "Ukyo... I mean, I say bad things about Ryoga sometimes, to keep up the act and tease him, but you really shouldn't blame..."
"Not Ryoga," she said impatiently. "The pig! Katsunishiki." She flipped the smaller pancake and crisscrossed it with two sauces and laid it aside. "I don't blame Ryoga or Akari for my stupidity," she told him. She added toppings to the sizzling disc and, after a moment, flipped it.
"It's funny," Barry said after a moment. "Of all the fiancées, you've been hurt the worst by Ranma, paid for it in years of self-denial and training, yet you're the most normal of them all."
"I'm not impressed and flattery doesn't work on me, Barry-baka," she hissed at him.
"Flattery is when you lie, or stretch the truth out of proportion for your own, or someone else's, benefit," he said quietly. "The honest truth always has power."
She shivered slightly. Barry was dangerous in totally unexpected ways. "You're a manipulative bastard, Barry."
He shrugged. "I won't argue with you, Ukyo. I have an idea I want to bounce off you. We have a unique opportunity in this martial arts competition. It's possible that the university library might have the information we need to get Ranma back." Ukyo nodded. After her initial anger at discovering the situation dissipated, she acknowledged that herself. "The trouble is, Nabiki doesn't have the time or the background to search for the information and most of the time Ryoga and Akane have is spent on the train, not research."
"Get to the point," she said impatiently, swirling sauce over the giant okonomiyaki and using her mega-spat as a plate to lift it from the grill. She reached under and shut off the gas, letting the residual heat keep her own lunch warm.
"I wondered if you'd be interested in opening a second branch of Ucchan's at the university," he said. "I know Nodoka wants to restore honor between the Saotome's and the Kuonji's. This would be a start in her eyes, and if we ran a special, as you sometimes do to attract customers, we might be able to get other people to do our work for us."
Ukyo's face was stony as she considered his idea. "What kind of special would this be?"
Barry barely restrained a sigh of relief. He had half-expected outright rejection. "October 31st is Halloween in America. If we made some connection to that and gave a discount for authentic tales of the supernatural from our own cultural heritage, with bibliographical proof, we'd have the university students hunting our information for us. Ryoga could visit from time to time to sift out the useful source material."
She snorted. "And who would run this start up franchise? I certainly don't have the time."
"Not even for Ranma?" Ukyo went still, giving him an icy stare. "Sorry," he mumbled. "I shouldn't have said that."
"Damn straight."
"If Konatsu ran the business there, I would help you here the way Ranma did when he was working off the Gambler King debts." He held up a hand as she began to object. "When we're in school, Nodoka would cover Ucchan's. She's a trained gourmet cook, Ukyo. I think you can teach her enough to cover for Konatsu, and Nabiki could find housing for Konatsu on campus."
"You've got this all figured out?"
"Let's say I've explored the available options."
Barry swallowed at her indecipherable look. "I'll get back to you."
Ukyo turned and walked away, a smile lighting her face as she approached the couple under the tree. "Nice to see you back, Akari."
Akane slid up to Barry's side. Glancing around to make sure Shampoo and Kodachi were otherwise occupied, she whispered, "What did she say?"
"I think she'll help, but she's still pretty pissed at me and upset over herself and Ryoga."
Akane shook her head sadly. "You remember that Ranma and I thought they were pretty close a couple of times?"
"Yeah. Maybe they were closer than even they thought themselves. But they wouldn't let go, so now here they are." Barry sighed. "We better find our resident Machiavellians before they come up with any new plans to drug my food or ambush me in the halls."
"Come on, Barry; Shampoo's not doing that any more."
He grinned. "It's nice not to be glomped, but I swear I can feel her twitch sometimes. I know I'm... Ranma is still in her sights."
"Ranma, Akane!" Hiroshi and Daisuke slid over. Akane glowered at them and they slid sidewise to place Ranma between them. "Heh-heh. You're not still angry with us, are you?"
"Dousing me with the hot water, then suggesting I rub against Ranma to make him change was not my idea of a good idea!"
"We're sorry. Ranma ducked when we were trying to douse him," Hiroshi quavered.
"From one of your mallets, I might add," inserted Daisuke darkly.
"We hit you by accident," Hiroshi finished, scowling at Daisuke for being so stupid as to criticize Akane while in reach. Akane, in fact, began to shift around Ranma and soon they were circling the pigtailed boy like planets around a sun.
"Yeah," Daisuke agreed, ignoring the glare. "Hinako was coming, and we didn't want Ranma to get into more trouble about perversion..."
"And you are his fiancée!"
"So I was supposed to impress Miss Hinako by rubbing up against a half-naked girl?" Akane shrilled.
"It would only have been for a few seconds," Daisuke pointed out.
"Guys," Barry said warningly. He could hear Akane's molars grinding.
"I mean it turned out that way, anyway, when Hinako zapped us all!"
"Only because baka, here, grabbed me and tried to shield me with his body!"
"Her body, at that point," Hiroshi primly pointed out.
"Guys, ya ain't makin' this better," Barry said alarmed as he felt Akane's ki powering up. The shorthaired girl faked left, then spun right, around Barry, to grab two collars in hands that could shatter stone. "Akane, come on," he protested. "They're not martial artists!"
"Ummm," stammered Hiroshi. "Besides, we were coming over to tell you something."
"Yes, something important!" chimed in Daisuke.
"Something you really want to hear!" Hiroshi agreed as Daisuke bobbed his head in agreement.
"Like a couple of perverts like you have anything I want to hear," sneered Akane, twisting their collars. Barry looked around for Miss Hinako, not for Akane's sake, but for Ranma's friends.
"It has to do with the winter play," hinted Daisuke.
"Yeah! When Ranma torpedoed South Pacific, they had to come up with a different one."
"It has something to do with Christmas and sugar-plum kami, or something," Daisuke finished lamely, glancing at his friend for support and accurate information. Hiroshi shrugged desperately and Daisuke groaned. Neither one was doing well under pressure. Salvation came from an unexpected source.
"Are you talking about the ballet, The Nutcracker Suite, and the Dance of the Sugar-Plum Fairy?" Ranma asked in disbelief. Akane released the pair with a gasp of recognition.
"Yeah, that!" said Hiroshi in relief, loosening his collar.
"Exactly! Hot off the presses!" agreed Daisuke, who was a reporter on the high school newspaper staff.
Barry felt a shudder run through Akane's ki and glanced at her with concern. He almost gagged. She stood on tiptoe, hands clasped before her breast, eyes filled with stars. 'She has it bad!' he thought. He waved a hand in front of her face. "Yo, tomboy! Anybody home?"
Hiroshi and Daisuke knew opportunity when they saw it. They retreated rapidly, Daisuke calling out over his shoulder, "Auditions are second week of November. See you there!"
As they departed, Hiroshi nodded to Daisuke. "You were right, I'll give you that. She reacted the same way when she was offered the part in Romeo and Juliet."
"She's got it bad," said Daisuke. He looked over his shoulder at Ranma who was being joined by the other martial artists of their circle, still trying to get a response out of Akane. "You know, I bet Ranma has it bad, too."
"It would explain the green hair."
"He is a bit of an exhibitionist." Daisuke considered. "So is Akane! Remember the Ramen Noodle fight? Wow!"
"We're doing them a favor," Hiroshi said gleefully.
"Do you think Shampoo...?" Daisuke asked hesitantly.
"I ain't gonna ask her," Hiroshi retorted shuddering. "I'm not that fond of wedgies!"
Back at the star-struck Akane, Barry straightened as Ukyo, Ryoga, Shampoo and Kodachi joined them.
"Kodachi, you using paralysis powder again?" Shampoo inquired, waving her hand in front of the transfixed girl's face.
"Even my concoctions don't work this well, Shampoo," the other retorted while peering at Akane, poking her in the ribs with a finger and getting zero response.
"Sheesh!" exclaimed Ryoga. "She's under deeper than Mousse was the other night."
"Maybe pork-boy want try to wake up same way?" Shampoo suggested slyly.
"W-wh-what do you mean by that?" stammered Ryoga, his eyes darting around to see if Akari was still in earshot. His face reddened. "We're just friends, now, dammit!"
Shampoo snickered and watched Ukyo for some reaction.
"Hah, hah!" Ukyo said dryly. "So how do you plan to wake her, baka?" she asked Barry. 'If you say with a kiss, you're in a world of hurt,' her eyes promised.
Barry grinned at Ukyo and pursed his lips, leaning forward just enough to get her knuckles white on her mega-spatula, then whistled the opening bars of the Dance of the Sugar-Plum Fairy. Akane's attention flickered and she half turned toward him. Assured of her attention, he deliberately soured the notes until Akane shuddered and covered her ears.
"Barry." She fell silent as she became aware of her audience.
"Yeah, a ballet," Barry covered for her. "I knew ya were inta Shakespeare, but I never thought ya liked prancin' the way they do in that sorta thing."
"Oh, my god!" Akane covered her face in embarrassment. She couldn't remember the last time she zoned out like that! But next to Romeo and Juliet…
"What happen, Akane?" asked Shampoo. "You really out of it. Ask Ryoga marry you," she added.
"I did what?" Akane turned wide-eyed and gullible to the Amazon.
"Shampoo," shouted Barry and Ryoga in unison.
"Just teasing, Akane," she said with a smile. "Really! You look like girl in shoji manga." Shampoo briefly assumed Akane's blank-eyed position. "What do?"
"Grammar, Shampoo," sighed Barry. "'What did that?' It was caused because Akane here (grumble) apparently likes to act and they're putting on some ballet called Nutcracker… Now what?"
Shampoo had dissolved into snickers again. "You know what English slang mean, you know this one good show for Akane!" (Snicker!)
Ryoga was grinning. Barry, well aware of possible connotations, groaned. This could get ugly. He turned to Ukyo. "Ya might wanna warn Konatsu that you'll be gone this weekend. We need ta sign up for the competition. If yer interested in that business proposition I asked ya about, we could also look around for property, or materials for a yatai, if that's what ya prefer."
"All right," she answered him, still looking puzzled by Shampoo and Ryoga's humor and Akane's growing agitation. "I'm still thinking about it, but I should be able to decide by then."
A light hand made Barry jump as Shampoo recaptured his attention. "Airen, I talk with Grandmother about competition. She say maybe Shampoo show Japanese womans... women, how Joketsuzoku fight." She smiled. "So, I in. I am in," she corrected.
"I'll have a ticket for you. Mousse or Granny planning to go?"
"Just Shampoo," she answered warmly. Barry felt his temperature rise. Either Shampoo was finally watching and copying the right performances, or his long separation from Gwen was beginning to wear on him. Besides, she smelled good.
"Uh-huh. Let's see... Akane, Ukyo, Ryoga, Shampoo and me. We have at least five of the eight events covered and…"
"Count me in, please."
"What?"
Kodachi considered her nails and smiled secretively. "I agree not to attack my opponents before the match and to use nothing but standard equipment in the competition." She smiled when everyone acted as if she'd grown a third head. "That is, provided Ryoga and you, Ranma-sama continue to train me."
"Count on it," said her lodestar.
"Sounds great!" admitted the cute fanged boy, so like Ranma in many ways.
"Kodachi become warrior!" Shampoo pumped the air and yodeled.
"Welcome aboard, Kodachi," Akane congratulated her.
For an instant, the barriers dropped and they saw Kodachi, not the Black Rose. She turned, suddenly shy, and walked quickly away. "Please, reserve me a ticket for tomorrow, my love," she threw over her shoulder at Barry.
"Was that freak-me-out-laughing, Black-Rose Kodachi?" asked Ukyo astonished. "I didn't think she knew how to say 'please'!"
"Black Rose never say 'please'," Shampoo agreed, smiling.
Akane nodded. "Maybe we're finally seeing Kodachi."