Broken Glass
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Monday dawned dark and dreary, like the weather always was in early March. Inuyasha trudged to school, his feet kicking at the mushy ice that was beginning to melt. The snow had passed and the temperature was rising—which meant rain, rain and more rain.
He wasn't in a talkative mood, and thankfully no one pestered him about speaking. The student body was still a little shocked by the death of Naraku. Despite his terrible reputation among the students, no one wanted him dead.
"Inuyasha?" The sound of his name being called roused him from the almost drunken-like stupor he'd fallen into. He blinked his golden eyes a couple of times before he focused on his Spanish teacher, Mr. Kyo.
He stared at Inuyasha, a look of concern flashing in his eyes for a moment. "Is everything okay, Inuyasha?"
"Oh, yeah," Inuyasha muttered as he ran a hand over his face.
"Good, then you can answer the question."
"Huh?" Inuyasha looked confused before his head dropped and he stared at the textbook he was supposed to be reading. "Oh."
Mr. Kyo's dark eyebrow cocked upwards towards his hairline. "Try to pay attention, Inuyasha. Eric, would you be so kind as to answer the question?" The man moved on, leaving Inuyasha to his thoughts.
People glanced at Inuyasha for a moment or two before returning their attentions to the textbook or Mr. Kyo. Inuyasha didn't mind. He barely noticed those around him. He felt as if he were in a world all his own. He wished that he could melt away into the ground, but not out of embarrassment.
The bell rang and Inuyasha's nose picked up the unique scent of Kagome. He had an excellent sense of smell, and Kagome's scent was hard to forget. She had her own unique smell that lingered wherever she was.
Sure enough, when the boy looked up, she was standing there, offering him the tiniest of smiles. "Ready to go, Inuyasha?"
He stared at her stupidly for a second before it clicked in what she was asking. "Oh… yeah… hold on."
He shoved his books into his bag and stood up, towering over Kagome's lithe form. His lips curved into a crooked, half-hearted smile. He saw the smile on Kagome's own face falter and she looked away, her blue eyes dulling to a dark grey.
He stood there awkwardly for a moment before Kagome gently shook her head and gestured to the door. "Come on, we don't want to be late."
"Huh… oh… yeah," Inuyasha muttered idly as he followed after Kagome.
Kagome glanced at him as they walked, her eyes indescribably sad.
Kagome stared blankly at the overhead she could not read perfectly. She was in her Creative Writing class, trying to register what it was she kept reading over and over again. She read it, but didn't comprehend it. Her mind was elsewhere.
Her mind kept drifting back to Inuyasha. He'd been so out of it during Spanish and Math. She was worried about him. Especially since he barely answered any of her questions and didn't even bother putting effort into his schoolwork. She knew that Naraku's suicide had hit him hard, but she hadn't realized it'd been this hard.
She sighed and fiddled with her mechanical pencil, tapping the plastic writing utensil on her wooden desk tenderly.
"Everything okay?" Rin whispered from her spot next to her. Kagome tilted her head and smiled at Rin shyly before shaking her head. Rin frowned. "Liar."
"I'm just worried about Inuyasha," Kagome returned gently. Rin didn't know that Inuyasha and Naraku had once been together. She barely knew anything about Inuyasha. Surely Rin wouldn't realize that Inuyasha's depression came from the morbid realization that his ex-boyfriend was dead.
"Yeah, he seemed really out of it this morning," Rin agreed, brown eyes looking worried. "Is everything okay, Kagome?"
Kagome numbly shook her head. "He's depressed."
Rin's frown deepened. "Do you know why?"
"No," Kagome lied. She looked defeated. "I don't know how I can help him."
Rin thought for a moment, pretending to be working on her assignment whenever the teacher looked towards the two girls. Finally, she leaned over and whispered to Kagome. "Just be there for him. Inuyasha strikes me as the type of person who doesn't need words of comfort. He just needs a presence."
'Yes,' Kagome thought with a small frown. 'But I'm not the presence he wants to see. He wants someone who can't come to him.'
Lunchtime rolled around without any change in Inuyasha's appearance. He kind of drifted through the hallways with Kagome at his side. Kagome was his pillar against which he could lean. His anchor to keep him from drifting away. Though, as far as Kagome could tell, the anchor wasn't heavy enough.
Her hands lightly touched his shoulders as they walked, her hands gripping them as she rested her head against his back. She wished he would smile, she wished he would be happy, but knew that was a selfish wish for her to have. Inuyasha had lost someone very important to him and it wasn't altruistic of her to expect him to simply let it go. It had taken her awhile to release her father.
"Want to sit here?" Kagome murmured and saw Inuyasha's head nod. They sat down at the specified area, Inuyasha's back leaning against the wall. They sat just outside of the cafeteria and watched as lunch-goers scurried by and students with fourth period next scrambled in the opposite direction. Blue eyes surveyed her surroundings before she sighed.
Inuyasha took out the lunch she'd made for him and stared at it blankly. Golden eyes seemed to stare right through it and he said nothing. Silently, he opened his paper bag and stared at the contents within. Numbly, he retrieved the napkin that Kagome had a tendency to always write a message on. But, instead of a message there was simply a small heart drawn in purple marker in the center of the paper towel.
He turned to look at her and found her oceanic blue gaze staring at him, her lips curving into what she hoped as a reassuring smile. He didn't smile and even if he'd wanted to he wouldn't have been able to twist his lips upwards.
He licked his dry lips and pressed the napkin to his chest, staring at her. "Kagome…"
It was the first thing he'd said to her since second period and Kagome felt a world of relief flooding through her. She reached out and touched his hand, her small smile never once leaving her lips. In her gaze, Inuyasha was able to grasp that moment of reassurance.
The rest of lunch was spent in silence and the two didn't move unless eating. Occasionally Kagome's hand would touch his in her silent comfort and presence, but no words were exchanged.
They finished halfway through lunch period and Kagome stood. She looked apologetic. "I have to speak with Ms. Duncan," she murmured, her blue eyes staring at the boy still on the ground. "I'll meet you back here, okay… Inuyasha?"
The boy nodded and watched as she darted away, hoping to finish her business quickly and return to him. He sat awkwardly against the wall in the hallway for a few moments, staring after where Kagome had disappeared around a corner.
Finally, he stood up and dusted off his hands, freeing it of the stray food crumbs he'd collected from the food Kagome had given him. He stretched idly and stood uneasily. Now what? Just wait for Kagome.
Suddenly Hiten turned the corner, his hands stuffed into his pockets and his head held high. He spotted Inuyasha and smirked, stalking towards Inuyasha in that irritating way he managed to walk; like he owned the world. In his own deluded way, did Hiten own the world? With Naraku out of the way, he'd become the leader of their 'gang'.
When he got within five feet of Inuyasha, Hiten stopped. He stood, with one hip jutted out and his arms crossed over his chest. "Well, if it isn't Inuyasha?"
His smirk chilled Inuyasha to the bone.
"You look like shit."
Inuyasha shrugged on shoulder. He didn't feel like talking to Hiten. Or anyone for that matter. He wished that the boy would just leave him alone so that he could wait for Kagome in peace. He just wanted peace. He wanted to forget all the pain he felt and he wanted to feel better.
Hiten smirked, his lips curving into a nefarious smile. Unaware of whatever machinations within Hiten's head, Inuyasha said nothing. If Hiten had something to say, he'd better say it now.
"So…" Hiten trailed off causally. "How you holding up, Inuyasha?"
Inuyasha snorted and looked away, golden eyes darting down the hallway where Kagome had disappeared in.
"Not so good, huh?" Hiten asked with a manner of arrogance. "I think I have some way to make you feel better…"
Inuyasha's dark eyebrows cocked towards his hairline. Something to make him feel better? "What?"
Hiten shrugged on shoulder. "Can't show you here. Come on." He gestured towards the doors leading to the outside and Inuyasha willingly followed after him, keeping close to the dark haired boy as he walked out towards the parking lot.
As he walked, Inuyasha failed to see Kagome return to the spot and look around. She began searching for Inuyasha. When she finally got outside she was able to watch Inuyasha and Hiten dark into the woods that surrounded the back of their high school. She frowned and quickly set foot to follow after them.
Inuyasha followed behind Hiten as they trudged through the underbrush, darting here and there. Finally, they approached a worn down path made by countless biology students doing a study on organisms and whatnot. (He wouldn't know anything about that, being in Chemistry.)
"Where are we going?" Inuyasha finally asked.
They turned a corner around a thick bunch of trees to reveal a small circle of lush green grass. Leaning against tree trunks Inuyasha spotted Manten and a few other boys he didn't recognize.
Hiten sat and Inuyasha followed suit, staring at the boys around him. Small streams of smoke trailed up towards the tree line and the boys exchanged knowing looks. It hit Inuyasha.
"So, Inuyasha," Hiten said casually as he plucked something from Manten's hand. Inuyasha stared at it and realized it was weed the boy was holding. His eyes widened slightly as he stared at it. "You want to feel better?"
"How will smoking pot make me feel better?" Inuyasha asked snidely. He knew about the harmful effects of drugs. Hell, he'd started drinking and smoking at twelve, for crying out loud. He knew all about it. He'd never gone near pot, even though he was sure Naraku had once or twice.
Hiten's smile disturbed him. Why had he brought him here? What purpose did it serve?
"Well," Hiten said nonchalantly, shrugging one shoulder. "It helps you relax… and Manten always feels in a better mood afterwards, don't you, Manten?" Hiten's brother obediently agreed, nodding his head, his second chin bopping up and down as the light reflected off his bald head.
Inuyasha still looked skeptical and Hiten frowned.
"Come on, Inuyasha," Hiten said as he slung an arm around Inuyasha's shoulder, revealing the slim joint. A small stream of smoke trailed off its butt. "It's not bad at all. It's nice, actually."
"I don't know…" Inuyasha looked lost.
Hiten's lips curved into a nefarious smile. "Come on… Inuyasha… don't you just want the pain to end?"
Inuyasha bit his lip.
"Don't you want to be… happy?" Hiten chuckled.
Inuyasha clenched his eyes shut. Part of him knew it was wrong… but… he was just so desperate for some kind of release. He just didn't want to feel the pain anymore. Would marijuana help him?
He plucked the joint from Hiten's fingers and held it between his index finger and thumb. Golden eyes stared at it for a long moment as his heart sped. He wanted it. He wanted the sweet release.
He stuck the joint in his mouth and inhaled.
It was an odd sensation. He hadn't had any kind of drug (not including Doxepin, of course) since he was thirteen years old. Suddenly being thrown into the world of illegal drugs was not only a thrill but a shock, too. The sweet scent of the weed surrounded him and cradled him, almost. The taste of the pot lingered in his mouth and he felt his eyelids fall shut as he relished in the feeling the sweet drug gave him.
He leaned against the tree trunk behind him, feeling himself bathe in the sweet release the drugs gave him. Golden eyes, misting over as he stared at the sky, blinked a couple of times. He exhaled, smoke blowing from his lips before inhaling again. The sweet taste returned and he fell into the delightfulness the weed brought him once again.
Slowly, the others sunk away from his view and he was left alone with his joint. It was wonderful. He felt all his life's worries and sadness float away with every exhale of smoke. When he opened his eyes again he was alone. The others had left. But he didn't dare move. He simply rested, bathing in the luscious freedom the weed provided him.
'Why did I ever give this up?' Inuyasha questioned himself silently as he puffed away on the joint. 'I feel so alive.'
In the haze of his drug delusion, Inuyasha heard his name being called. He closed his eyes and relished in the beautiful, melodic voice that resounded through the trees. Whoever was calling to him had the most beautiful voice he'd ever heard. And it kept on repeating his name over and over again.
He felt like he was drowning. But he didn't mind. The way that he fell deeper and deeper felt like he was being locked into a warm embrace. The embrace of a mother long since gone. He shivered from the delectable chills that racked his spine and puffed again on his joint.
His peaceful reverie in the small circle was interrupted when he heard something crash through the thicket and the body of a girl came into the circle with an unceremonious thump.
His eyes focused on the figure and he tilted his head to the side. Everything looked wavy. His heart was speeding and bloodshot eyes stared at the body on the ground as it released a small groan and sat up.
"… Kagome…?" he heard himself say and his own voice sounded hoarse to him. His throat felt incredibly dry. He looked away from her as he puffed on his joint. He tilted his head to the side.
Kagome sat up and rubbed her now bloody knees. She'd tripped in her attempts of finding Inuyasha. She'd followed after him but had gotten lost in the woods. Only now, after about an hour, had she found him. How long had he been…?
Her eyes fell on the joint in his hand and her blue eyes widened. She dashed forward and grabbed the joint. "Hey," Inuyasha protested meekly, trying to focus on Kagome but unable to center his bloodshot eyes. "That's mine…"
Kagome shook her head fiercely and tossed it into the woods. Inuyasha idly thought about going after it, but couldn't find the strength in his body.
"What are you doing?" Kagome demanded, staring at Inuyasha with such woebegone eyes. She looked like she was about to cry.
"Huh…?" Inuyasha asked. "I…"
"Do you remember why you came out here?" Kagome demanded to know, looking almost angry for a moment. She reached out a hand to touch him before extracting it and cradling the hand against her chest. She looked away for a moment before returning her oceanic gaze to Inuyasha. "What were you thinking?"
"I don't remember…" Inuyasha said weakly, his tongue wetting his dry lips.
"Why were you smoking? What are you thinking, Inuyasha?" Kagome did start crying then. A single tear dripped down her cheek and she shamefully wiped it away. "Are you out of your mind?"
"No…" came his delayed response. It took him a moment to comprehend what it was she was saying. She felt her heartbreaking and she felt another tear run down her cheek.
"Inuyasha…" She bit her lip, resisting the urge to cry. She'd chased after him for more than an hour and was missing fourth period class because she thought he was in trouble. Never would she have thought he'd actually be out here doing drugs. "What have you done?"
"I want to… forget…" Inuyasha whispered and gave her a loopy smile. "I don't want to talk about it anymore, Kagome…" His voice was overly distressed. He wanted more drugs. He craved more drugs. "Just leave me alone."
He saw her raise her hand and before he could stop her he felt her hand against his cheek. His head whipped to the side out of surprise as the slap reverberated around the small circle of grass.
She sobbed. "Don't you dare say that again, Inuyasha! What makes you think that pot will make it better? Or any drug?"
He moved his head slowly, the head lolling as bloodshot eyes stared at her in surprise. "Kagome…"
"Where the hell did you get the idea that smoking will make it better?" Kagome cried out as she wiped away her tears, trying to remain strong but failing. She felt her resolve weakening and she cried freely. "What is wrong with you?"
She shook her head. "There are people who love you. I love you. I don't want you to do this. What makes you think that smoking will make it better? Did Spring Creek mean nothing?"
He stared at the ground and fisted the soft dirt around him. Kagome continued crying.
"Don't you even remember the way you once were? Before you were sent away? Before you got helped and changed your life around?" Kagome shook her head. "Drugs ruin you, Inuyasha! I know it hurts. I know you miss him… but smoking isn't going to help you. It never will!"
"But…"
"It won't bring him back!"
His eyes widened as Kagome scrambled to her feet, attempting to leave. She grasped her head, her eyes falling shut as she fell to the ground. She was exhausted from running around searching for him for over an hour. She sobbed silently, her hands covering her face. Her glasses fogged up but she didn't care. Tears ran down her cheeks.
Her words echoed in his head and he found himself repeating it like a mantra. It won't bring him back. It won't bring him back.
Naraku was gone.
Kagome wrapped her arms around her knees, attempting to stifle the tears running down her cheeks.
"Kagome…" he wheezed out. He stood up and hobbled towards her. He moved sluggishly, his eyes took in the wavering and wavy landscape skeptically before he tripped over his own feet and fell on his knees, ripping his favorite pair of jeans.
He stared at his bloodied knee blankly before staring at the sobbing Kagome. "Kagome… I'm…"
Kagome shook her head numbly. "Please…" he heard her whisper out, her voice wavering just like his vision. "Don't do this to yourself Inuyasha. Don't do it."
Suddenly the sweet release the drugs had given him turned sour. Bloodshot eyes looked around widely as the realization of what he'd just done hit him full force. All he'd worked for over the past three years had just flown out the window with his first puff. All his hard work had drifted away with the smoke he'd blown from his mouth.
He stared at the ground and fisted his hands. He was a failure. He'd failed. And now he'd made Kagome cry. Again.
He crept towards her. "Kagome…"
She sniffled and raised her head, looking at him.
His anguished look nearly made her heart break in two. His tongue darted over his dry lips and he struggled to speak. His throat felt scratchy. "Kagome…" he murmured and fell forward, his arms wrapping around her waist as he rested his head on his shoulder. "I'm so sorry."
She stared ahead, tears pooling in her blue-grey eyes. Hesitantly she nodded.
She tried her best to comfort him, whispering to him, patting his back, cradling him against her and running her fingers through his hair. She looked him in the eyes and praised him, trying to convince him of how truly beautiful and wonderful he was.
"I'm always here…" she murmured in his ear, her eyes falling closed. "I'm still here."
Rin stared at Inuyasha curiously as he rested his head against the table where they were supposed to be drawing something in their art room. One of her eyebrows cocked upwards towards her hairline.
She poked him with her stick of charcoal. It left a mark on his shirt, right above his shoulder blade.
"Hey," she said cautiously. Inuyasha didn't stir. "Hey."
He roused and lifted his head. Rin frowned as she looked into his bloodshot eyes. He was very tired, she deduced, her mind never once straying to the possibility that Inuyasha might have done drugs.
"The teacher's watching you," Rin said with a frown. He'd been late to class. Inuyasha and Kagome hadn't been in block class. She'd been worried. She was reassured to see Inuyasha there, but his actual condition did little to settle her worries.
"Oh," he muttered and picked up his piece of charcoal. He stared blankly at his page and then around the room, searching for something suitable to draw. Most of the students had chosen to draw the bouquet of flowers on the teacher's desk. Inuyasha chose the doorstop holding the studio's door open. Simply because he could and it was easy to draw.
Rin observed his picture. "Interesting."
"Hm," was his uninterested answer.
Rin rolled her eyes. "Whatever."
She kept glancing at him, worried. Kagome was right. He was really out of it.
"Is everything okay?" Sango asked Kagome when she saw the girl plop down next to her. Kagome numbly shook her head. Sango frowned. "What's the matter?"
Kagome meekly told her, "Inuyasha."
Sango's eyes narrowed. "What did he do this time?"
"Nothing to me," Kagome protested meekly, her blue eyes staring at the ground. "I'm just worried about him. He's really depressed."
Tuesday morning's weather was far better than Monday morning's. The clouds had cleared and the sun was beating down. Despite that, the cool March atmosphere kept the jackets on, sun or no sun.
Kagome shuffled her feet on the ground, the black and white shoes brushing over the carpet that adorned her high school's hallway. "I'm just… scared he'll do something rash."
Sango frowned. "Like Naraku?"
Kagome shivered and nodded. "Yeah, like Naraku."
Sango frowned. "There's not much you can do."
She sniffed disdainfully. Despite the fact that Inuyasha had proven that he did care for Kagome and Sango knew she did, it didn't stop her from being jealous of the attention the girl paid the boy. She was only human. Already the relationship with Kagome had dampened and she felt like she was continually drifting away from her. She knew that Kagome liked hanging out with Rin and it frightened her that perhaps her best friend was moving on and leaving her behind.
"I know, that's what Rin said." That sentence proved Sango's point.
Sango frowned. She knew she should be supportive of her best friend but she couldn't help the streak of jealousy that ran up and down her spine.
"Well…" Sango trailed off when she lifted her head. She forced a smile to spring over her lips. "Inuyasha. Good morning."
Inuyasha was a mess. He was disheveled and Kagome resisted the urge to gasp at his condition.
His beautiful, chin length silver hair, usually bright and silky, looked dull and lacked any luster. His golden eyes (no longer bloodshot, Kagome realized with a wave of relief) were dull as well.
It appeared as if he'd dressed in the dark. His jeans were ripped at the knees from the countless times he'd fallen over when Kagome and he had finally worked up the urge to leave the safety of the forest. (They both had detention for skipping block.) His button down shirt was wrinkled; it was easy to tell, even though he had a tee shirt over it. The said tee shirt looked dirty.
He looked tired.
Kagome stood and walked over to him. In a moment of boldness she wrapped her arms around him as a greeting and stood there, resting against him. She clenched her eyes shut so that she wouldn't have to see him. He didn't smell like smoke. She was relieved.
"I'm glad you're here," Kagome whispered and Inuyasha nodded lightly. She squeezed him tight until he wrapped his arms around her. He cradled her against his chest and his lips twitched, suggesting an almost smile. The smile didn't reach his eyes.
"You're still here," he murmured, his golden eyes falling shut and his faint smile never leaving his lips. "Kagome…"
"I said I'd always be here," Kagome vowed, pulling away and looking at him. Everything melted away. It was just the two of them. Sango was gone. The teachers were gone. The stupid freshmen playing hackie sack in the hall were gone… it was just them.
He nodded. "I'm glad."
She pulled away completely and offered him one of her trademark reassuring smiles. The one she only gave to him. It made him feel at ease, for the most part. It almost made him forget that she'd seen him stoned. It almost made him forget that he'd caused the suicide of one of his friends.
He frowned and sighed, readjusting his beanie on his head. He flattened his shirt, trying to make himself look presentable. He didn't want to look like a slob in front of Kagome.
Kagome inhaled deeply and grabbed his hand.
"Come on," she whispered and began pulling him away. Her face turned red when whoops and a chorus of long whistles echoed down the hall via the freshmen. Inuyasha turned around and glared at them, causing the boys to cease their teasing. They bit their tongues and withheld their taunts, no matter how much it looked like Kagome was dragging Inuyasha off to the broom closet to have her way with him (anyone who knew her would know that was not the case).
She turned a corner and found a small alcove between the hallway and the stairs leading to the second story before shoving him underneath and following suit. They were safe from the world of their high school.
Kagome sat and adjusted the wrinkles in her skirt with a critical eye. Tucking black hair behind her ear she turned to Inuyasha expectantly and one eyebrow rose towards her hairline.
She lowered her head and cleared her throat. "I want to talk to you."
"Eh?" He titled his head to the side in confusion.
Kagome cleared her throat again, working up the nerve. She reached forward and grabbed his hands, drawing him close to her. "I'm concerned," she said as she lifted her head, revealing the saddest eyes Inuyasha had ever seen. "I don't want anything bad to happen to you, Inuyasha."
He stared at their intertwined hands, his golden eyes saddening, mirroring the miserable look in Kagome's own orbs. "I…"
"Don't tell me you're fine. I know you're not," Kagome insisted, her cheeks burning red. "After what happened yesterday I know you're not okay."
He frowned and meekly nodded his head. "I guess I'm not."
"Look… Inuyasha…" Kagome looked at him seriously. "I know it's not my place… but… do you want to talk about it?"
"It?" he echoed.
"You know what I mean. I know that it's hurting you… and it's dragging you down. If you want to talk about it, I'm here." She squeezed his hand, offering him the tiniest of smiles.
He sighed and hesitantly ran his fingers through his hair. He was silent for a long moment. "I guess I've been… a little out of it."
Kagome nodded her head, still offering him her tiny smile.
"I've just been running through all the what if's," Inuyasha said gently, his eyes lowering to the ground where their legs were crossed. He sighed gently and shook his head. "I've replayed everything in my mind, thinking of what I could have done differently to keep him alive. I realize now I was just… terrible."
He shook his head again, his golden eyes staring at his shoes. "I was terrible to him. I cast him aside because I just got bored of him. Because I thought he was a bad guy. Because I failed to see anything past the delinquent within him. I remember…" He snorted sardonically, a small laugh ripping through his throat. The cold, hollow laugh lacked mirth and amusement and it sent a shiver down Kagome's throat. "I remember that before I went away we always talked about anyone who couldn't see past our façades were fools."
He sighed. "Naraku wasn't bad… he was just born under the wrong circumstances. I allowed myself to be pulled down by him. I don't know. Maybe a part of me really is bad, who knows. I know that I don't want to disobey. I know I don't want to be a criminal. I came to that conclusion after many nights at Spring Creek."
He raised his head to look at Kagome. "My decision to change didn't happen over night. It was subtle. But… I never once considered that maybe Naraku had changed. Or stayed the same. Or anything. All I saw were the memories of the past I'd left behind."
Kagome processed what he was saying. What was he saying? He seemed to be rambling a bit, but she could hear the pain and sorrow in his voice. She listened earnestly, her blue eyes softening as she spoke.
"I became exactly what I always said I wouldn't," Inuyasha said gently. "A hypocrite. That's what I am."
"You're not a hypocrite, Inuyasha," Kagome said gently. "You just put your needs before Naraku's. That's natural. You're human…"
"But…"
"It's a common human instinct to pursue your own happiness before anyone else's. You saw Naraku as a threat to your happiness because you remembered his behavior. You let society's expectations for people like Naraku to blind you away from… what he really was. Your friend. He was your friend, Inuyasha."
She paused to let this sink in. Inuyasha didn't say anything, but she saw his head move in the tiniest of nods. Kagome took that as a sign to continue.
"You made a mistake, Inuyasha," Kagome said gently. "But we all make mistakes."
"Have you ever made a mistake so large that it caused someone to die?" Inuyasha whispered pathetically, his eyebrows knitting together. "This is an unforgivable mistake."
"Inuyasha…" Kagome said gently, releasing his hand so she could run her hand along his jaw. He looked her in the eyes and Kagome did not waver. "Please. Listen to me. You made a mistake, but now you can learn to never make it again. Naraku may be gone. But he's still here."
Her other hand touched his chest, right above his heart. They sat in silence for a long moment, Kagome's hand on his heart. Slowly, as if afraid he'd be burned or shooed away, Inuyasha's larger hand covered Kagome's, his fingers curling around her palm.
She gave him a small smile which Inuyasha tried to return. He felt his lips twitch but couldn't force a smile to emerge from him. He didn't feel like smiling. His heart sped up under Kagome's touch but Kagome didn't remove her hand. She kept her eyes locked with his, the oceanic depths swirling with her emotions.
"Don't force yourself," Kagome whispered.
"Huh? What?" Inuyasha asked, confused as to what Kagome meant.
"I don't want you to smile if you don't feel like smiling," Kagome said seriously as she touched his lips with her fingertips. She pulled away and blushed. "You smile when you're happy. You're not happy right now, Inuyasha. I know that. You know that. Please don't try to hide behind your smile."
"I won't…" Inuyasha promised.
"When you're happy again, smile. Smile like you used to. Before you started hiding," Kagome said quietly, her voice wavering as she bit back tears. "When I see that smile, I'll know that you're happy again."
She stood up and retreated from the alcove. Inuyasha followed suit. She turned to look at him, her own lips in a reassuring smile.
"I'll be waiting… until that day, Inuyasha," she told him gently, her blue eyes soft. Inuyasha nodded, unsure what to say.
With that, Kagome retreated from the alcove, but Inuyasha didn't follow. He stood for a long moment, alone at the back of the school near the stairs.
What was he going to do?
Towards the end of block Kagome knew something was wrong. Despite the talk they'd had earlier which had soothed some of Inuyasha's worries, the boy still seemed distressed over something. She tried to help without imposing, but it was growing increasingly hard. She flummoxed over Inuyasha's problems, but couldn't deduce what it was that was plaguing his mind.
She didn't press it. When they were ordered to do a reading with a partner about the United State's reasons for entering World War One, Kagome quickly partnered up with Inuyasha.
They sat silently, reading their assignment, peeking small glances at one another when the other was distracted. Kagome sighed gently; her eyes barely reading the lines and her mind uncomprehending the words that she read. Inuyasha was in a similar boat. Only, he didn't bother reading the words before him.
At the end, the teacher gave permission for the students to speak and they began discussing the questions and determining the correct answers.
"What's the matter?" Kagome questioned instead of the first question involving the relationship between the United States and Germany. "Inuyasha?"
He sighed. "I've been thinking a lot lately."
"About?" she questioned. The what if's again?
"About us," he said gently. Kagome felt as if a bucket of ice water had just been thrown over her. About them? The way he said it made it sound like something bad. Kagome felt a sense of dread creeping up her spine.
"And what have you been thinking about regarding us?" Kagome whispered and straightened when Ms. Duncan walked by. "Uh, yes, so Germany and Austria went to war first…"
When she passed she shook her head and returned her attention to Inuyasha. She looked at him, a latent frown threatening to pull her lips downward.
He cleared his throat, his fingers moving through his hair nervously. "I think that…"
Kagome felt that same dread creeping up her spine and encasing her entire body. She shivered and rubbed her arms, trying to give them warmth. Inuyasha trailed off and stared at his desk for a long moment.
Kagome watched Mrs. Bacon pass by, "And the Archduke was assassinated by…"
"Kagome," Inuyasha said gently, bringing her attention back to him. "I can't help thinking that I'm a burden to you."
"What?" Kagome asked, shocked. Where had this self delusional idea taken over Inuyasha's mind?
"Everyone I care about ends up dying, Kagome," Inuyasha said seriously. "First my zadie and now Naraku. Who knows, you may be next."
"Don't say things like that Inuyasha," Kagome insisted. "I'm not going anywhere. Nothing's going to happen. You shouldn't dwell on the 'what if's."
He released a small breath, the air from his lips ruffling the paper on the desk before them. "Kagome… It's just that… I don't want you to feel burdened to me. The way I am now, at this moment in time, isn't ideal for you to be around. I just have a lot on my mind right now."
"I understand that, Inuyasha, but…"
He shook his head, cutting her off. The bell rang in the background and Inuyasha collected his things. Kagome followed suit. They stuffed things into their binders and flung pencils into their proper pouches before shutting their backpacks and zipping them shut.
Inuyasha stood to his full height, slinging the strap of his knapsack over his shoulder. Kagome limply stood up, slouching, and pulled on her backpack. They stood facing each other as people filed out. Kagome watched distractively as Rin trailed out of the room and the others as well.
Inuyasha summoned up whatever it was he was about to say, his golden eyes staring down at her sadly. "There's a lot I need to deal with right now. I don't want you to feel unnecessary pain because of it."
Kagome nodded, unsure what he was getting at.
"The best thing I can think of," Inuyasha told her with a serious expression. "Is that if you're not near me, you won't be hurt."
Kagome's eyes widened as Inuyasha took a step away from her. He pushed in his chair and made his way towards the door. Kagome instinctively followed after him. She reached out her hand but Inuyasha was too quick and darted away from her outstretched hand.
He paused at the doorway and stared at her. The heartbreaking look in his eyes nearly made her cry.
"What does this mean?" Kagome questioned.
He looked at her seriously. "I love you, Kagome." Kagome nodded slowly. "But I think we should break up."
Before Kagome could protest, or even register what he'd said, Inuyasha darted out of the classroom, leaving Kagome alone. It took a long moment, but Kagome finally heard what it was he'd said and she felt her knees shake.
She burst into tears.
He stared at the bottle for a long moment as he stood in front of his mirror inside his bathroom. Bubbie had replaced it after his other one had been broken. He frowned thoughtfully. 'I just can't deal with anyone anymore. I know that Kagome's just trying to help… but I'll drag her down. It's best if she moved on.'
He turned the Doxepin bottle in his hand, staring down at it with a bitter look of distaste.
'I guess I really do need you now, huh?' he questioned silently. 'I was looking forward to not being on this shit anymore.'
He glared at the bottle and the pink and blue pills inside. He despised his medication. He despised the feelings of helplessness churning within him. He despised everything about this house.
He breathed quietly. 'November… November and I'll be eighteen. I can leave then.'
He clenched his fist around the bottle of antidepressants and glared at his reflection in the mirror.
"I know she's hurt, okay?" he told himself with a frown. "I heard her crying. I saw her face when she climbed onto the bus after school. I know I'm hurting her. But it's for the better. She'll get over me and then she can move on and be really happy. I'll just be dragging her down."
His reflection didn't say anything since it was just the parallel image of himself. He lowered his eyes and stared at his bottle again. He snarled at it and chucked it against the mirror. It bounced off it and hit the ground with a thump and a jiggle of the pills within.
He rested his forehead against the glass, his breath fogging up the mirror. "I don't want to… but I have to. It's for the better, right? Besides, we're just teenagers, it's not like we're… we're…"
He closed his eyes and released the tiniest of sighs. "Who am I kidding?"
He sighed again. "I'm sorry Zadie. I'm sorry Naraku… I'm sorry Kagome."
He straightened himself and retreated from the bathroom after taking his nightly dosage of Doxepin. He slumped into his bed, his head colliding with the pillow. He clicked off his light, shrouding his room in darkness save for the moon beaming in from his window. He stared at the moonbeams filtering through his window with a weary gaze.
He watched the wind outside breeze through the trees' branches and felt a tear slide down his cheek. He bashfully wiped it away. He didn't want to be so weak. But he was. He was a wreck. A speeding train heading on a one-way course to his own living hell, that's what he was.
He rolled over onto his back, staring at the ceiling. The shadow of a tree branch danced on his ceiling, surrounded by the pale moonlight.
He laughed mirthlessly. "Wherever you are, Naraku, I hope you're happy."
He tried to sleep, but sleep never came. He tossed and turned, beckoning the sublime sleep to overtake him. No such luck, of course. Inuyasha was cursed with insomnia.
He sat up and pushed his covers away from him. He stared out the window again. The moon had moved and was in the far right corner of his window. His eyes softened and he brushed silver hair from his golden eyes.
"I guess I really do miss you," Inuyasha whispered. He loved Naraku, yes. But not as he once did. His love for Naraku had dimmed in their years apart. He regarded Naraku as his brother more than his boyfriend now. Perhaps it was for the better. He had… well… used to have Kagome. His love for Naraku was no longer a romantic love. "I miss you, Naraku."
He moved from his bed and sat on his windowpane, staring at the moon for a long moment. The serene orb glowed in the night's sky, shrouding the world he lived in with a dim, magnificent radiance. He felt spellbound by the gorgeous brush of moonlit warmth.
He closed his eyes and rested against the windowsill. "I hope you can forgive me, Naraku, for what I've done."
He fell asleep, then, his thoughts drifting away from him and leaving him to the sanctuary of his mind. Within him, however, there was a war raging. His mind battled against his feelings, his emotions flying in a tornado of turmoil.
He dreamed.
He scrambled along the dreamscape, his feet pounding on a worn road through a forest of trees. He panted, his silver hair whipping around him. Golden eyes swept over the horizon as he ran towards a sunset. It beamed with a shining radiance that he marveled over. It was the most beautiful sunset he'd ever seen.
He longed to reach out to it. His hand whipped in front of him, as if he could pluck the sunset from the horizon and keep it next to him always. "Wait," he called out to the sunset as the sun lowered towards the horizon. "Wait for me! Don't leave me."
"You're so far away," the sunset whispered, as if it had its own conscious. "Don't run away."
Inuyasha marveled at the beautiful voice the sunset produced and he quickened his pace towards it. "Catch the falling stars, Inuyasha," the sunset whispered.
Inuyasha complied. He reached out towards the stars that were falling from the sky. The large chunks of space rock collided into the sunset.
"Wait!" he called again as he ran down the path. He whipped aside foliage and spider webs as he ran. The spider webs attached to his skin and refused to leave. Leaves got stuck in his hair. Maple leaves sprouted from his hair, trying to cover his ears and his eyes.
"Leave me alone!" Inuyasha told the leaves and the spider webs. They didn't listen.
"Catch the falling stars," the sunset beckoned as its last heavenly glow spread over the dreamscape. Inuyasha felt himself stumble and fall into a nest of spider webs.
Darkness fell over the dreamscape and the trees shifted in a nonexistent wind. Inuyasha sat up slowly, covered head to toe in the white silk.
A dark, resounding boom struck through the trees, leveling them to the ground. The dreamscape shifted and left Inuyasha standing alone in a field. The moon stared down at him, covering itself in a dark cloud.
Insects flew at him and he screamed, his arms flailing as he ran away from them. The dark exoskeletons surrounded him, suffocating him. He gasped for breath.
He stumbled and fell down a hillside, tumbling and turning as he cut himself on rocks and blades of sharp weeds. He fell still at the base of the hill, near a babbling brook. He coughed up blood and stared at the water. The crystal-clear water flowed by him.
He struggled to sit up and stared at his reflection in the water. Slowly, the water began to evaporate and flames sprouted up all around him.
He screamed, for lack of anything else to do. The flames blazed around him, surrounding him and choking him. He was robbed of his breath. His hands touched his throat, trying to will the air to push through. But to no avail.
He woke up in a cold sweat.
Fanart:
(By me):
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